Chapter Twenty-Five ~ Nathan
It’s been two weeks since Fiona left. Nobody mentioned her for the first several days, to the point where conversations became stilted and awkward.
It felt too much like how things were before, and I didn’t want that.
The people who love Fiona should be able to talk about her, mention her casually in conversation, and bring her up without fear of somehow setting me off.
One night last week when we were all together at Mae’s for dinner and silence had descended upon the table, I announced as gently as possible that while I appreciated what they were doing, I wasn’t a delicate flower, and they could talk about Fiona.
The relief was almost palpable, and it made guilt gnaw at my stomach as it occurred to me what it must have been like for them to steer clear of mentioning Fiona for all those years.
After dinner, when Mae and I had a moment alone, I asked her how things had gone with Fiona and Mila quitting.
Her smile had been one of pride as she’d simply told me, “Mission accomplished.” I’d felt like I was missing something, but I didn’t have a chance to ask further questions before Rex came tearing into the room to demand we join everyone for the board game they were about to play.
I could have probed later or even in the week since, but if Fiona wanted me to know details, she would have told me. Who knows, maybe she will someday.
And so life goes on, as it always does. Even though Fiona was home for over a month, there are moments when it feels like she was never really here, as if her time in Honeywell and the time we spent together was a lucid dream.
I’ve heard people describe grief as a delineation of before and after, and I remember that feeling from when my mom died.
Now life feels like it’s split three ways: before Murph died, after Murph died, and after Fiona left.
I didn’t have a chance to adjust to Murph’s absence before Fiona showed up.
We’d been prepared for his eventual passing, but nothing compared to the reality of life without him.
Now the heartache I feel over Murph’s death is tangled with everything I feel for Fiona.
The initial hostility I felt when she arrived, the realization I needed to put the past firmly behind me, the tentative rekindling of a friendship that quickly turned into something more.
I was right when I told Fiona we were never meant to be just friends. There’s always been something more between us, something deeper. Just like my soul knows her soul, my body knows hers on a cellular level.
Now two of the people I love most in the world are gone, albeit in different ways, and I’m doing my best to carry on.
Carrying on looks like long hours at the B&B worksite, regular meals at Mae’s, and helping my loved ones where I can.
Today, that included picking up Rex after school, taking him to his swimming lesson at the community centre, and then spending an hour at Sweet Escapes for his usual post-swim snack and visit with Mae.
When we get to Thea’s place afterward, Rex takes his time removing his seatbelt and gathering his things. The kid is a mini version of Liam, so I recognize his thinking face.
“What’s up, buddy?” I ask.
This seems to be all the invitation he needs, because he swivels to face me. “Did you know there’s less than two months left of school?”
“I did, yeah,” I say slowly. Rex loves school, always has, so his enthusiasm makes me wonder if that’s no longer the case.
“I hear Ireland is nice in the summertime,” he says, his eyes wide and guileless.
I stifle a laugh. “Oh, you’ve heard that, eh?”
“Mmhmm. Smurph always said how nice it was, and Aunt Mae has talked about it too.” He pauses, his mouth twisting as if he’s trying to decide whether or not to say what else he’s thinking.
Finally, he adds, “Auntie Fi has talked about it too. But she says it’s beautiful all year, not just in the summer. ”
“I bet it is beautiful all year,” I say. “It was fall when I went with Murph, and I loved it.”
“Now that Smurph gave you his house, you can go anytime you want,” Rex says.
“And let me guess, you think I should take you with me this summer?”
Rex grins. “I do. Aaliyah told me that Auntie Fi is helping her and Aneesha plan a trip to Scotland this summer, and it got me thinking about how I’ve never been anywhere cool except for Toronto, and that barely counts.”
I try—and fail—to suppress another laugh.
“Let me talk to your mom about it, okay? I’m not sure about the logistics of taking you out of the country on my own, so it’d probably have to be a family trip.
” And as much as I love the kid and have spent his whole life feeling responsible for him in some form, I’m not sure if that extends to taking him to a different continent on my own.
“We should all go!” Rex says, bouncing in his seat. “You, me, Mom, Uncle Liam, Aunt Joss, and Aunt Mae! Auntie Fi too, if she can.” His wide smile stays in place, although his eyes shift out of focus for a moment before returning to mine. “Smurph would love that.”
The comment hits me square in the chest. “Yeah, buddy, he would.”
Rex lunges at me and gives me a long, tight hug.
I hold on just as tightly, riding out the wave of emotion his words have stirred up.
When he releases me, he gathers his things and hops out of the truck.
“Love you, Uncle Nathan. See you soon!” he says, closing the door without waiting for a response.
As I watch him trail up the front walk, another flood of feelings hits me out of nowhere.
The kid hasn’t had the easiest life—no father, Thea struggling with alcohol addiction for most of his life, and now losing Murph—and yet he’s happy, well-adjusted, and secure.
He knows he’s loved, and he doesn’t hesitate to express that love in return.
Growing up, I heard the words ‘I love you’ more from Mae and Murph than I did from my own mom, even though I knew she loved me. The words didn’t come easily to her for whatever reason, and so they were hard for me to say for a long time too.
Thea opens the door as Rex reaches it. She hugs him so tightly his feet leave the ground. I can hear him giggling as she peppers his face with kisses. He squirms out of her grip and darts inside, and Thea straightens, blowing me a kiss before following Rex into the house.
When Rex and I were at the café, Mae invited me for dinner, so I head to the Murphy house next. Liam’s truck is in the driveway when I arrive, and I find him in the kitchen a minute later.
“Hey,” he says from where he’s standing in front of the open fridge. “Mae’s on the phone with Fiona, and she ran upstairs to look something up. Want a beer?”
“Sure, thanks.” I drop into a kitchen chair, letting out an involuntary groan. It’s been a long day. Hell, a long year, and it’s only May. I’m still not sleeping well. At the end of each day, my body is exhausted and sore, but my brain doesn’t ever seem to shut off.
Liam hands me a beer and taps his against mine before sitting across from me. “That B&B project, man. I love the work, but sometimes I think we should take a step back and let the others handle it. Isn’t that why we hired more people?”
“In theory, yeah. If only we weren’t a pair of control freaks.”
He chuckles and scrubs a hand over his stubbled jaw. “True enough. You still enjoying the work, though? We could take a step back, you know. The others could handle it.”
“I’m enjoying it,” I assure him. “We used to dream about projects like this.” I take a sip of my beer, thinking about how satisfying it is to see progress every day, to know we’re making the B&B owner’s dreams of expansion come true.
“It is nice knowing the others could take over at any time, though. It was just the two of us for so long.”
I stifle a yawn, and when Liam does the same, I shoot him an apologetic look. He just shakes his head.
“I feel like we haven’t talked properly in the last couple of weeks,” he says. “How are you feeling about everything?”
I huff out a laugh at the question that’s both broad and yet vague at the same time.
In the last two weeks, I’ve been expecting Liam to pull me aside for a heart-to-heart.
The man isn’t afraid to go deep with his feelings, and he seems to enjoy digging around in mine too, especially since Joss came along and has helped him open up even more.
We’ve been working side by side at the B&B nearly every day lately, but our conversations have remained mostly surface-level, and I’m okay with that.
“I’m feeling a lot of things,” I tell him. “Life without Murph is really fucking hard. I know you get that.”
“Really fucking hard,” he agrees. When I nod solemnly and don’t say anything else, Liam adds, “And?”
I groan. I guess we’re doing this. “And I miss Fiona. I don’t want to, and I wish I didn’t, but I do. Having her here stirred up all kinds of things, and now I’m figuring out how to…contain them again?”
Despite the last part coming out sounding like a question, Liam nods as if he understands. “Do you love her?”
“I think you know the answer to that,” I say, giving him a sardonic smile.
He lifts one shoulder and makes a sound of acquiescence. “So that’s a yes. Do you want to be with her?”
I release a heavy sigh. “Yes, but nothing has changed. I feel like I’m twenty all over again, watching her leave, having my heart broken, and knowing that’s it for us.”
“It doesn’t have to be it, though,” Liam says.
“I remember telling you back then to ask Fiona to stay, and you being adamant that you wouldn’t.
I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now.
It would have been selfish to put that pressure and guilt on her.
I think part of you knew it was safer to stay quiet because she was going to go regardless, so you were saving yourself the added layer of heartache. ”