Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dice
I’m not domesticated—yet.
Waking up beside Lot is all a man could ever want.
Sheets still damp. Room still thick with the scent of sex and peaches.
Sunlight sneaks through the blinds, striping her back.
There’s a love bite in the soft curve between her neck and shoulder.
Must’ve happened when I lost my mind. Damn near blacked out.
First time without a condom. I don’t play with that.
It’s not just a matter of safety. Jasinder got knocked up by a low-ass motherfucker who didn’t love her, didn’t want her…
or his own child. I wasn’t ever going to be like him or be some baby daddy.
I wasn’t leaving my seed in nothing but my hand or a condom.
Even if a woman said she was protected, I still suited up—every time.
Except with Lot.
And that messes with me. Just how much I let my guard down with her. How deep I let her in.
I didn’t plan on telling her about my shady past. Didn’t plan to crack my chest wide open and lay the bones bare.
But Lot didn’t judge. She looked at me like I was something good, something worth loving.
I wanted to grab hold of it like a found treasure.
Wanted to tell her I’m the man she needs.
The one who sees her. Who accepts every snarky, messy, independent, brilliant, and beautiful part of her.
It was easier to just play house in the dark. To fool myself into believing none of it was real. Now I have to face the truth. Docks won’t be mine to run solo anymore. Maurice coming back means suspicious eyes and less room to breathe. Lot’s out tomorrow, back to her city, to her life.
And me? I’ll still be right here, doing my best impression of a carefree man who’s got it all together.
But I don’t.
And for the first time, I’m not sure if I can go back to pretending that I do.
When Lot stirs soon after, I press a kiss to her shoulder.
“Morning, Sleeping Beauty.”
“Mornin’,” she murmurs as her drowsy eyes search mine. “Sleep okay?”
“Like a log. You’re more potent than a tranquilizer.”
She gives me a corner-lipped smile, but she’s already kicking off the sheets. “What time is it?”
“Around ten thirty. Checkout’s not till noon. We could order brunch.”
“Just coffee for me. Today’s busy. I should get back as soon as possible. Sort out Queenie. Say my goodbyes. Pack.”
She’s on the run now. I know her. I know what avoidance looks like dressed up in busyness. She’s winding herself up, prepping to leave with a quick economy. No emotions.
“Just gonna get ready,” she says, climbing to her feet.
My eyes trail her as she walks across the room. I enjoy the view, but not the energy.
Less than an hour later, we’re dressed, packed, and on the road with coffees and breakfast sandwiches to-go. Lot scrolls on her phone while the sounds of Cameo pump between us.
“Any word from your mom?” I ask.
“Nope. Nothing. No news is a good sign, right?”
“Should be.”
“Then again. She’d just manage rather than ruin my trip with you.”
That has my head snapping to face her. “I assumed she thought you were with Rayne.”
“No. She put it together and knew we weren’t just hanging out.”
“Damn.” I return my attention to the road. “What does Miss Belinda think of that?”
“She knows we’ve always been close.”
“Close and sleeping together are two different things.”
“I’m a grown-up, Dice.”
“I know that. But I don’t want her to think I’m disrespecting you. I like your mom. I should say something.”
“You better not.” She side-eyes me in warning. “Mom likes you too. She knows you’re not disrespecting me. I promise. So just… don’t.”
I nod, agreeing to abide by her wishes, but still feeling a way. “Maurice must be loading his shotgun.”
“He doesn’t have a gun.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I didn’t tell him,” she says, picking up her coffee. “And I doubt Mom did either. She knows I don’t want things to be worse for you at work.”
“I can handle your father, Lot.”
“I know. But it’ll be a whole thing. Not worth it when I’m leaving tomorrow.”
Those words hang in the air. Thick and heavy. Her gaze drops to her paper cup before she adds, “Rayne’s taking me to the airport.”
“What?” My tone cracks with surprise and a punch of angst to my chest. “I thought I was taking you.”
“It’s better this way.”
“Better how?”
“A quick goodbye. Instead of dragging it out another night, and over a two-hour drive, I’d rather just get my stuff now, rip the Band-Aid off, and be done.”
My grip clamps around the steering wheel, strangling the leather. Nobody can piss me off like Lot. Even when she’s not trying to. “Sounds like you got the peel-and-go kind.”
Her eyes flash with irritation, and her voice spikes. “I’m just trying to make this as clean a break as possible.”
“It’s not clean,” I snap. “It’s fucking messy.”
“I know it is. Why do you want to make it messier?”
“Because for once, I’m not burying the shit. I’m trying to deal with it.”
That slows her anger. Rolls it to a stop. She draws a deep breath before her voice comes again, soft and sincere.
“I’m sorry. I’m… I’m just stressed out. Focusing on tasks instead of feelings. I didn’t mean to sound cold. That’s just how I cope… or pretend to.”
“I get that, Web.” I reach over and take her hand. “It’s what we both do. But I don’t want to pretend this time. I want us to be real. Can we do that?”
She pauses, then curls her fingers around mine. “Yeah, we can do that.”
We share a tentative smile. Wobbly footing, unfamiliar ground. But we’re still standing.
The rest of the drive is quiet. Two people working to make sense of something that doesn’t come with instructions. When I pull up to her mom’s, I look over at her.
“Want me to come in with you?”
She shakes her head. “I’ll text you later.”
I nod. I know her rhythm. I know she hates pressure. Too much, and she either blows or shuts down. I don’t want to cause either.
“I’m here if you need me.”
She leans across the console and presses a kiss to my lips. “Thanks, Jones, for being amazing. And for an unforgettable trip.”
Then she’s gone. Slipping out of the car and up the walkway with a small wave and that signature sway in her hips. I watch until she disappears into the house, feeling the pinch in my chest spread into something hollow.
Back home, I carry our bags inside. The quiet swallows me up. I’m not used to sitting in my feelings. Instead, I pour them into a mix, blending my old-school favorites with Lot’s, and share it on Spotify with her. Damn, like a parting gift.
I change into jogging gear and hit the waterfront hard. My playlist is blasting, but the thoughts are louder. Still, the movement helps. By the time I pull up to the café, I’ve burned off some of the edge.
It’s the afternoon lull. A few familiar customers sip their drinks inside the cozy warmth. Jamar is wiping down the espresso machine. I give him a two-finger salute. “Where’s the bossman?”
“In his office.” He inclines his head in that direction. “You want a Black Eye?”
“Naw, I’m good, thanks.”
I head to the back room. C’s at his desk, Santana playing in the background, brows furrowed as he works. I rap once on the doorframe.
He looks up from the computer screen. A grin starts to form, then falters when he clocks my face.
I drop into the chair across from him. “Where’s Lex?”
“At the studio. It’s really coming together.”
“Yeah, Lot mentioned that.”
“Lex has really appreciated her help.”
I nod. “I’ve been meaning to stop by and see it.”
“Still in the early stages,” he says. “How was Lakehead?”
“Revealing.”
“Oh yeah?”
I cross my ankle over the opposite knee. “I told Lot some things about my past. Things I haven’t even told you.”
C leans forward. “I hope you know you can.”
“Yeah, I do. I will—just not today. Still reeling with it, to be honest.”
It’s been nearly twenty years since I testified.
Since I last saw Jasinder. A jailhouse visit after she’d been sentenced.
Three years in state prison for Class 2 felony theft, plus another five years for wire and mail fraud.
I don’t even know why I went. To face her, I guess.
I hadn’t in court. Couldn’t. I kept my head down while giving my testimony—spilling all her secrets and criminal activity.
But that day, in that cold visiting room, I didn’t look away.
I’ll never forget the venom in her eyes.
Pure, burning hate. She lunged at me, causing the guards to restrain her and drag her out as she screamed, her voice bouncing off the concrete walls.
“You’re dead to me, you fucking piece of shit. Dead to me.”
Her words, like claws, left their indelible marks. But I shake them off now. No regrets. I did what I had to. What I wished I’d done sooner.
“Jasinder would be out,” I say, because C knows that part. “Unless she got sent up again. But my guess is she’d have learned how to better cover her tracks.”
He eyes me. “Where you going with this, Dice?”
“Not sure. Just got me thinking about a couple strange calls. A week apart but the same dude. The first time, he asked for me by my government name, then hung up. When he called again, he said his name was Damon. That’s it.
Both times I tried the number he called from and it just rang.
No clue who he is or what he wants. But it’s got some of Jasinder’s fingerprints.
Her M.O. was to appear nervous, uncertain, so no one suspected she was running game.
That’s how this dude might be playing it. Reel me in then hit me with a con.”
“And you think Jasinder could be behind it? Like some kinda payback?”
I shrug. “Might be way off. But it’s something.”
C hums in thought. “One of Lex’s friends is engaged to a security expert, the one who works for Micah Peters.”
“Right. Man was a beast on the courts. Forgot you had connections in high places now,” I say, ribbing him.
“Mick’s good people. Stiles too. Shoot me the number and I’ll see if he can help.”
“Appreciate that, man.”
He gives me a short nod, but the gesture’s not empty. We go back too long for him not to have a good read on me. “That’s not the only thing that’s got your head swimming. You said Lakehead was revealing.”
“It was, but I don’t want to hear no shit about that grail,” I warn. “I’m not domesticated—yet. But Lot’s got me deep in it. She’s leaving tomorrow, and I’m not ready.”
“You want to ask her to stay?”
“No. She loves her life in New York. Loves her work. I’d never expect her to give that up, especially when I don’t even know what I’m offering. A relationship? Never wanted that before. Do I really want to give up my freedom? Can I even commit?”
C tilts his head. “Big questions. But if you’re in love with her…”
“Never said that.”
“So you’re not?”
“I don’t know what that looks like.”
“I think it’s different for everybody. How do you feel about Lot?”
I scratch my beard, trying to put it into words, and just let it spill out.
“I’m all wrapped up in her. Like she’s the only woman that exists.
Like I want to take care of her, please her, protect her.
Like I’d do anything for her. But does that mean I’m in love?
Or is it just the intensity of the last few weeks?
We have a long history. We have this… this easy, natural rhythm.
Not just the physical. Though… damn! It’s more than that.
Still, I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling. ”
C chuckles with a gleam in his eye. “I gotta tell you, bro, that sounds a hell of a lot like being in love.”
That’s what I was afraid of. “Even if it is, what am I supposed to do with it? A relationship would be tough enough for two people who’ve never had anything serious before. But long distance?”
“You start where you’re at. Then figure it out together. Like Lex and I did.”
“I’m not you, C. What if I can’t be what she needs for the long haul?” I ask, my heart in my throat. “What if she agrees to take a chance on me and I fuck it all up?”
“What if you don’t?” he counters in that calm way he has. “What if it turns out to be everything you both need? Love and relationships are risks. No guarantees. But if you’re willing to be honest, do the work, and protect each other’s hearts, then you got a good shot.”
He meets my eyes. “You gotta ask yourself one question. Are you willing to do those things? If you’re not, let her go. But if you are… Don’t let Lot walk away without telling her.”