Chapter 9
9
E ven days later, I’m feeling antsy for my group therapy even though it’s two days away. I have a lot to report on—my dating app, my unsuccessful date, my friendship with Jae…my kiss with Jae. It’s safe to say I am feeling a lot and handling it questionably. Jae and I have not spoken much while I paint the mural.
I type out a text to Jae.
Are you busy?
Depends. Who’s asking?
I’m asking. It’s Riley. Do you not have my number saved?
I know it’s you. I have your number saved. What do you want?
What do I want? My friend. I don’t know.
Wanna watch a movie?
Where?
My place. I have popcorn. :)
Cringe. What was that? A smiley face?
Just come down and knock on the door. 301.
I’ll be down in 5. Be decent.
I’m ALWAYS decent.
What did he mean by that? Was he expecting me to be indecent? My face is hot. I fan myself with my hands. Why am I so nervous? It isn’t a date. It’s not even a practice date. I speed-walk to my bathroom like a dad on a Sunday morning and splash some cold water on my face as if it would make a damn difference.
I am nervous. The last friend I had over was a casual acquaintance in the old apartment, seven months ago. What have I done? There’s a knock and I speed-walk to the door, undo the chain bolt like my life depends on it, and ferociously swing the door open.
“Hello!” I’m out of breath, and I have only walked thirty feet from my bathroom to the door. “Welcome!”
“Are you good?” Jae asks. “You’re not going to murder-suicide us, are you?”
“No, not this time, but please, come in,” I open the door further and gesture to my sparse but homely apartment.
“So this is it, huh?” Jae steps in, automatically taking his shoes off in front of the door. A man after my own heart . “This where you keep the bodies?”
“Only on weekends,” I answer. I don’t know how to use my words.
“How was your date with Rishi?” He asks me.
“We haven’t gone out yet. Let’s talk about this later. I asked you here to watch a movie. As a friend. Not my dating coach. You’re off the clock.” I motion to my sofa, Lily nestled in her corner. I sit down and pull her into my lap.
Jae turns the corner of the sofa. “So this is the famous Lily?” He holds a hand out to her nose, despite her being dead asleep. She does not stir.
“The very one,” I answer, stroking her forehead.
“Why did you move to this apartment? My—your— old unit is something special. But this place isn’t…that bad,” he flounders, looking around at my obviously sparse living quarters. “I was just curious.”
Not that my current digs aren’t good, they just aren’t as spectacular as my old apartment. Tile floors. White laminate cabinets. The fridge is in a strange alcove not attached to the kitchen. Livable, but no interior masterpiece.
“Your old place is just a steal, that’s all. I can’t imagine wanting to leave it for, well, this.”
My voice catches in my throat. I don’t want to have to answer this. He doesn’t know. I want to keep it that way. He sits in the opposite corner of the sofa.
“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?” I say, gritting my teeth, determined to change the subject. “So, movies. Comedy or drama?”
“You were there for a long time, right? I don’t mean to be nosy, but why move all of a sudden?” Jae prods more. He looks at me in earnest.
“I had some life changes, okay? It wasn’t in the budget.”
“It’s not like this place is probably that much cheaper. It’s still the West Village. How much is the rent?”
“Are you offering to pay my rent?” I glare at Jae. “No? Then stop being so nosy.”
“I was just curious, Riley. You don’t need to be defensive, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I just want to understand you some more.” Jae turns to face me. “You know, to help with dating.”
“Do you really want to know why I had to move?” I ask him.
“Yes.”
“My fiancé got brain cancer and died. He paid most of the rent.Then, I lost my job and I didn’t keep up with my freelance work.” I looked at my lap and took a huge breath and continued before Jae could say anything. “I couldn’t bear to leave this building, or the neighborhood, yet, and I’m trying to not take on more credit card debt. I’m working part-time. Your mural is my first freelance job in a year, but you’re not paying me. I needed a cheaper apartment. And my therapist told me to go for it.”
I feel the tears coming on. No, no, no, not here, please. Not in front of Jae. I feel the lump in my stomach and the lump in my throat growing to meet each other.
“I moved out the day you met me in the hallway. My fiancé and I lived there together. The date with Ethan was the first date I’ve been on after he died.” I ramble on. “I don’t know why I told you that. I don’t expect you to pay my rent?—”
“Riley—” Jae starts to say before I cut him off.
“You’re not on the clock, it’s okay,” I tell him. “You don’t need to say or do anything. I’ve literally heard it all.” More cartoon sized tears fall down my cheeks. Great. Officially crying.
“Hey, hey,” Jae says softly. His round, dark eyes fixed on me. “Riley. Thank you for telling me that.” Jae looks at me reassuringly and holds his hand out. “Can I come closer?”
I nod, and he gives Lily a pat on the head before scooching closer to me and putting his hand on my knee.
He purses his lips closed before saying, “It’s okay to cry.”
I’m full-on sniffling now. “I’m crying because…I’m embarrassed…for crying.”
Jae laughs lightly. “Why are you embarrassed? You just told me, like, your biggest secret. I half-expected you to cry tonight regardless.”
Jae gently takes my face in his hands, using a soft thumb to wipe the tears from my eyes. He holds my head like a soccer ball, and it’s not particularly romantic, but his skin is so soft.
“What? Why?” I’m suddenly on the offensive.
“You just look like the type to cry at movies,” He smiles at me.
“Only if the dog dies,” I give him a weak smile and wipe my nose on my sweater sleeve. “So that’s it? No condolences? You’re not freaked out by me crying?”
“Do you want them?” Jae looks at me seriously. “I didn’t know the guy.”
“No. If you say, “sorry for your loss” I think I’ll kick you,” I laugh at myself.
“Riley, there’s really no need to be embarrassed or scared that I’m freaked out. You’re the only one freaking out right now.” He removes his hands from my face and I’m suddenly cold from the lack of warmth. He squeezes my knee before moving to pet Lily.
“It’s part of who you are. I can’t change that, and I wouldn’t want to.”
“It just freaks some people out, that’s all. They find out I was engaged, but he’s dead now, and then they don’t know how to act around me.” I sniffle again and chuckle at myself. I don’t know how to act around me.
Jae leans back into his sofa corner. “If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I want to know more about you. But I’m not going to pay your rent, no matter how hard you cry.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to ever walk into your restaurant again. You’ve seen me cry.”
“I have already seen you cry, remember? The day I moved in.”
Fuck. He did. Too late to be embarrassed, I guess.
I do a gigantic sniffle and hand him the remote. “You pick. Guest’s choice.” Before I know it, my eyes are growing heavy, Jae’s wrapping a throw blanket around my shoulders and my head is on the couch cushion next to his lap.
The first time I wake up, my head is fully resting in Jae’s lap, although there is a throw pillow between us. Lily is at my feet. I twist my head gently, and Jae’s head rests in his hand, propped up by the arm of the couch, his eyes closed, sleeping quietly. Howl’s Moving Castle plays at a low volume in the background. I don’t know what time it is. I close my eyes again.
The second time I wake up, I am in my own bed, alone.
Not knowing how I got there, I ask myself what happened last night? Where’s Lily? There she is .
Lily is sleeping soundly on the far, right corner of my bed, nothing seemingly out of order. I check myself quickly. I’m clothed. I’m unharmed. I feel fine. Where’s Jae?
I clamber out of bed, blankets falling to the floor as I do, and wander into the kitchen. The television set is turned off, only the light above the stove on. Nothing in the house seems amiss. I notice a note left on my kitchen counter:
Riley,
Brought you to bed around 2:30. Going home. See you later, J
I ponder the implication of “brought you to bed.” Did he carry me? He must have. I don’t remember waking up and walking. I was never a very heavy sleeper…maybe I was more tired than I thought.
I sit down at my island counter and hold my head in my hands. What did I do last night? I knew I had a big, disastrous cry, but Jae had comforted me and told me it was okay. That’s the first time anyone had told me that in all my years of grieving, not even at group therapy. Everyone was always against crying, no tears allowed. It was always:
“Oh honey, don’t cry.”
“There’s no need for tears.”
“You’re okay, don’t cry.”
But I’m not okay. I want to cry. It’s so freeing to have permission from someone else who isn’t myself, to cry. I didn’t know how badly I needed it until I had it. It’s what I’ve been missing this whole time. Permission to be this bad a mess.
And he said he’d listen to me talk about Grant.
The thing about talking about dead people is, how much talking about a dead person is too much? What if it’s only been six months? A year? Two years? Who decides? No one ever knows the right answer, and so I try to only talk about Grant with other people who have dead people to talk about. I know Jae lost his father, but losing a lover is not the same as losing a father.
Talking about my old lover is a surefire way to make sure Jae never takes an interest in me in the way I want him to. But I’m ready to resign myself to the fact he never will. I want to talk about my past like it isn’t a ticking-time bomb, ready to blow up in my face at any moment. And I want Jae to trust that he can confide in me about his father, and his mother.
I wake Lily up to feed her breakfast and take her outside in time for me to leave for The Red Kettle. Despite everything last night, I am looking forward to seeing Jae again and to painting more of the mural. It is looking like I may finish ahead of schedule. I rush to get ready. As I enter the elevator, the doors slide open to reveal a disheveled, sweaty Jae staring at me.
“Oh!” I’m thrust into people-mode “Hello!” I say a little too cheerfully.
“Hey, Riley,” Jae steps into the elevator. “Were you on your way to The Red Kettle?”
“Yeah, I was.” I take a step to keep the elevator from closing. “Are you going to be late?” It looks like Jae has gone for a run or to the gym. He’s wearing the same shorts as the other night.
“No, no.” Jae waves off any accusation of being late. “Come back up with me. Give me ten minutes to shower and we can walk over together.”
I gulp. I don’t know if I can handle being back in that apartment again—for two very different reasons. “Sure!” My body betrays my brain.
We ride the elevator in silence back up to the fifth floor. I follow Jae to his apartment and try to ease myself out of the oncoming nervousness. It’s okay, he knows about Grant. My chest aches to spill everything I know about this apartment to Jae. All of these years later, the desire to share Grant’s memory hasn’t dampened, even as I desperately want to impress a new guy.
As more time passes it feels less and less appropriate to blame my inappropriate behavior on “widow brain”—something they call when all you can think about is your widowness, your loss, your grief. I am capable of having a normal, human brain and I am desperate to channel it right now.
Jae invites me in, and he tells me to help myself to a plate of muffins on the counter. They look freshly baked and utterly delicious, but I can’t bring myself to touch them. While Jae disappears into the hall bathroom, I stand looking out the balcony window. I spent a lot of time on this balcony.
By the time he emerges, looking far fresher than before, I have to bite my tongue to keep from talking about Grant. Despite Jae’s overhaul, I can see my Grant in every nook and cranny of this place. Just a little. I can manage just a little.
“Do you know why all the apartments have French doors instead of sliding doors at the balconies?” I ask Jae. Here it comes. Hook, line…
“I don’t. Does it matter?”
“The French doors are more energy efficient. They keep the heat in and the cold out. Grant was in the architectural firm that designed this building. Every apartment has them.” Sinker.
“Oh, interesting choice,” Jae hesitates for a moment, probably pondering how far I’ll take this. “So you’ve really got roots in this place, huh?”
“Yeah. We were the original renters.” I look at my feet. “But I’m glad you’re here, in it now.”
Jae smiles. “I think I’ll keep them in the renovation. I like all the light they let in.”
“Lily did too.”
We’re almost late now, and as Jae puts on the sexiest bomber jacket I’ve ever seen, he insists that I take a muffin for later. This man is always trying to feed me. I reluctantly take a cranberry orange and stuff it in my bag for an afternoon snack.
We leave the apartment and I press the down button for the elevator. I feel hyper-aware of everything around me. The dull buzz of the hallway lights, the way the elevator creaks as it arrives at our floor, and how Jae and I both reach to press L for Lobby. In the end, I snatch my hand back and let him press it.
“By the way, your date with Rishi is tonight.” Jae says suddenly.
“What?” I am startled out of my own skin. “When were you going to tell me this?”
“Well, I was going to tell you when I saw you at the restaurant—but I’m seeing you now. So, your date is tonight. Meet him at 7 o’clock at Banditos on 22nd. The table is under my name.”
“Thanks for the notice,” I hope he can hear my eyeroll, and not my panicked oh fuck. I have to wash my hair.
I have to somehow make my face not look like my face.
“Your face is beautiful, Riley.”
Beautiful . So I did say that aloud.
I give Jae the best death-glare I can muster. How can I like him and still be annoyed with him?
My day goes by much faster than I would like. I spend most of the morning finishing painting cherry blossoms, and I am once again lost in my own little world. In a city so big, I still often find myself the loneliest one here, and when you feel like a temporary visitor in your own home, it's enormously comforting to have the home of artwork to visit.
I wish I had been able to take refuge in art more often than I did when Grant died. I felt like I was constantly at battle with everyone and myself.
It wasn’t until group therapy that it hit me: Grief isn’t everything you are. No matter how badly you don’t want to live, you have to. You must go on and feel the pain of life. And at least today isn’t yesterday and tomorrow won’t be today.
It was excruciating getting to this point, but as I look at the beautiful cherry blossoms, I’m glad to be standing before them.
If I thought grief is excruciating, well, getting ready for my real date with a real guy, not from an app, that is excruciating. I want it to be over and done with. I consider canceling, but don’t want to deal with Jae’s ribbing later on. I’m going to get a ribbing no matter what I do.
I struggle to pick out an outfit as I really only have a few suitable dresses—one of which I’ve already worn to my practice date with Jae. I opt for the green sundress that Grant picked out for me a few years ago. Surely, a dead man wouldn’t mind me wearing this dress for someone else.
After my shower, I make sure to put in an ample amount of curl cream in my hair to make my curls bouncy and lush rather than their usual loose format. I hold my hair up in a ponytail and tie it with a velvet ribbon. I put on the tiniest bit of mascara, hoping it makes my eyes look less tired.
I pull two curls from my ponytail to frame my face and pucker my lips in the mirror as if to say, yes.
Someone could kiss me tonight.
And it won’t be Jae.
I deem myself acceptable and pat Lily for good luck. The subway ride to my date is even more excruciating than getting ready for it. When I enter Banditos, the restaurant bustles around me. I see a young girl, maybe sixteen or seventeen years old at the hostess desk. I approach her nervously.
“Hi. I’m meeting someone here…table under ... Jae Cho?” I wring my hands out of her view.
“Oh?” She checks a name in a black notebook. “Yeah, follow me.”
The hostess leads me to a private, intimate corner of the restaurant I haven’t sat in yet, and she lets me know that when Rishi arrives, she’ll send him my way. Is it tacky that I got here before him? Should I have waited outside? Does it make a difference?
It really doesn’t, because in a heartbeat, a tall and handsome man appears in front of me with a gentle smile, his deep brown skin glowing in the dim light of the restaurant. He towers well over the table and is dressed in a navy-blue sweater vest. He looks like…like a hot professor.
“Hi there, I’m Rishi,” His voice is deep and melodic. Swoon. He takes a seat across from me, his golden topaz eyes meeting my own. “You look absolutely gorgeous, by the way.”
My face is most certainly a deep shade of pink. “Hi there back. I’m Riley.” I stutter and fumble over my words like a basketball. “It was nice of Jae to introduce us.” I want to hide myself under my arms, but I keep my hands at my sides.
“It was, wasn’t it? I don’t know why he wouldn’t keep a beautiful girl like you to himself.” Rishi gives me a pearly white smile. Not a coffee stain on them in sight.
“Ah, thank you,” I take a sip of my water, not knowing how to accept the compliment. I’ve never received so many compliments in a row. Rishi somehow manages to flag down the hostess, and orders a drink.
“Do you want anything?”
“No, water is just fine for me,” I say. “So, have you eaten here before?” I ask Rishi.
“I have. Jae and I were college roommates.” Rishi answers with a sly smile. “And we’d come here for drinks after class.”
“Oh, so I bet you know all of his dirty secrets, then?” I’m intrigued. But I don’t want to spend my date talking about Jae. I’m supposed to be distracting myself from him.
“Yes, I know more about him than I ever wanted to know.” Rishi gives me a nod as he takes a sip of his own water. “But enough of Jae. He tells me you’re a painter.”
“I am. I’m painting the mural at his restaurant.” I smile. “I can show you a photo if you want.”
“Ah, so that’s how you two met,”
“Actually, Jae lives in my old apartment, and that’s how we met.” I clarify a little too willingly.
“Really? You guys have quite the…meet cute.” Rishi hesitates before finishing his sentence just as the waitress arrives back with a plate of crostinis.
“These are from this gentleman over there.” She says, and points to a dark-haired man sitting at the bar.
“Is that—is that Jae?” I ask Rishi. “Is he spying on our date?”
“I…I didn’t think he’d be here.” Rishi admits. “Let’s wave him down and find out.” Rishi and I both wave, and that gets his attention. Jae, dressed in a white shirt with black jeans, hops down from his bar stool and makes his way over to our table.
“Rishi!” Jae claps Rishi on the shoulder, harder than just friendly. “Take care of my girl, Riley, here, will you?”
My girl. I know I’m on a date with Rishi, but my heart flutters from Jae’s words.
“You know I will, man,” Rishi gives Jae the same toothy grin he just gave me.
“What are you guys talking about?” Jae asks.
“You,” I answer.
“Nothing,” Rishi answers at the same time.
I turn my head away from both of them, embarrassed to have said clearly the wrong thing.
“Oh, yeah? Well, it better be good things.” Jae chuckles. The awkwardness in the air is so thick, I can feel it sinking into my face as if I’ve stuck my head in front of a humidifier.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“This is my favorite bar!” Jae exclaims. “Can’t a guy enjoy some frozen margs and crostinis?”
“He sure can—” Rishi laughs. “—but why now? Are you crashing our date?”
“I totally forgot you two were here til I saw you,” Jae says. “Anyway, I won’t bother you two anymore, have fun!”
I widen my eyes and try to lighten the mood by raising my water glass for an impromptu Cheers! But Rishi doesn’t quite get the idea right away and takes a bite of toasted salmon crostini first so it looks like I’m raising my glass for nothing. I set it down and take my own crostini.
“He was totally lying,” Rishi says. “He made the reservation.”
I laugh. He’s not wrong. I try again to make conversation, but my heart is beating faster and faster, and not because of anything Rishi did. What about this can’t I do ? I was able to go on a coffee date with dickwad Ethan no problem. What’s the difference here? A substantial food item? I’m supposed to be grieving. I’m guilty for trying to seriously move on from Grant.
And at once, I have one thought only that I can focus on: I need to get out of here.
My chest is pounding. I feel dizzy out of nowhere and my mouth is drier than it's ever been in my life. I’m going to die in this restaurant. I need to get out of here.
I lose my focus on Rishi, not giving a shit about what’s going on with him. I feel like I’m about to pass out and I’m about to stand up at the same time, and all I do is chug my glass of water. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jae coming our way.
I stand up, heading past Jae without a word to Rishi other than a brisk, “I’m so sorry, I have to go.” I recognize what’s happening to me a minute too late. It’s a panic attack. I’m pushing past customers and patrons standing at the bar and I burst outside onto the front step, and I don’t know where to go. I look left, and right and decide to just book it home.
I need to get out of here. I’m doing the wrong thing. I don’t want them to catch me in the subway station. As if I don’t live in the same building as Jae. Fuck it. I take off my strappy sandals and break into a light jog, but I am quickly out of breath.
“Riley!” I hear my name being called. It’s not Rishi. “Riley! Riley, where are you going?” It’s Jae.
I stop in my tracks and turn around. He came after me.
“I—I…” I can’t catch my breath. I’m guilty. I can’t go on a date when I’m grieving .
As soon as Jae gets close enough to me, he grabs both my hands. “Riley, Riley, what happened? Did he say something to you? I’ll kill him.” Jae is an inquisitor, a bounty hunter looking for a thief.
“No. He didn’t say anything.” I choke out. I’m guilty. “I had to leave.” I’m heaving air in and out faster than I was before.
“Riley, breathe,” Jae takes in a full breath, and raises my hands up, and down when he blows out.
“I can’t, I can’t,” I tell him. “I can’t breathe,” I shake my hands out of his and fan myself with them, and look around for my escape route. “I have to go.” I need to get out of here .
“Riley. Look at me, sweetheart,”
I look at Jae.
“In and out.”
In and out.
“Again.”
Again. In and out.
“Tell me straight. What’s going on?”
“I couldn’t be there. I had to go.”
“Where do you have to go?” Jae asks me, his voice gravely serious.
“I need to get out of here,” I answer, my voice hoarse.
“Get out of where?”
“I don’t know. This city. My house. My head.” I feel tears coming on, but they never make an appearance.
“Let me pay my tab, and we’ll go,” Jae pulls out his phone and begins searching for a contact. He must be letting Rishi know we’re leaving.
“Go where?”