Chapter 12
12
I ’m downstairs, checking my mail when Stuart surprises me, holding two chai lattes.
“Is that for me?” I ask, pointing to a cup.
“Well, it’s not for the mailman.” He laughs. It’s been a while since we’ve caught up. “How’s it been going? I’ve noticed you’ve been out a lot lately.”
“Yeah, I’ve been….going on some dates, I guess. Going out to eat. You know, the usual.” I say, tossing a coupon booklet into my bag.
“I see you and Jae leaving every morning.” Stuart gives me a sly smile. “Where do you two go?”
“His restaurant,” I say. “I’m painting a mural there.”
“Have you gone out with him yet?” He gives me a wink.
“Um,” I say.
“Explain.”
“We’ve gone on…fake, practice dates…but nothing real…” I say. “But they feel real. And that terrifies me. He lashed out at his friend he set me up with the other night. ”
“Maybe they feel real to him, too,” Stuart suggests.
“Maybe,” I think about it. It’s obvious to me now. “But I worry dating him for real is a bad idea.”
“Why? You don’t like him?” Stuart asks, sipping on his latte.
“No, I do,” I laugh. “But I’m trying to focus on fostering my relationship with this other guy, Rishi,”
“If you like Jae, who cares about Rishi?”
“Jae has become a good friend to me now, I don’t want to lose that. What if it doesn’t work out and he disappears?” I confide in Stuart.
“Have a little faith that he won’t do that.” Stuart says. “Besides, his lease is two years.”
“Oh, great, so if it doesn’t work out, I’m definitely fucked!” I laugh.
“Do you have feelings for him?” Stuart asks. Always the gossip.
“I don’t know,” I say. “We kissed. Once. But I don’t think it meant anything.”
“Look,” Stuart says. “I think it’s worth a shot. Give yourself some credit. I’ve got to file some paperwork for a new tenant, but we should catch up again later. Text me!” Stuart leaves the mail room, and
I rub my temples in classic Riley fashion and try to think of an excuse to text Rishi. It’s Saturday, and I want to invite him out. It’s only natural since we had a good time yesterday. He will expect a text from me anyway.
And if I don’t distract myself with Rishi, I will surely distract myself with Jae.
Jae. I have not heard from him since he hung up on me, and I am not about to be the one to reach out first. Because I know the words that would come tumbling out of my mouth would be ones I would be sure to regret before I finished the mural. The fact he said he didn’t want me to go out with Rishi made me even angrier and made me want to go out with Rishi out of spite.
I glance at the lilies on my countertop. They stare back at me, their beauty unflinching. I decide to text Rishi.
Want to go to the Farmers’ Market this morning?
I’ll meet you outside your building in 20.
In my mind, I feel lascivious, almost pornographic, but the outfit I select comes off as horny preteen in the mall. I opt for a delicate one shoulder top and classic denim jeans. It definitely gives a: “holding a bouquet of flowers at the farmers market” type of vibe, and not, “I want to kiss my neighbor who I’m angry with.” I dab blush on my cheeks and mascara on my lashes.
Lily looks up at me with her big bug-eyed face.
Mind if I bring my dog?
Fine by me.
I suit up Lily in her harness and tie a floral bandana around her neck, and with a kiss on the top of her head, we are out the door.
Jae is in the lobby this time.
I try to walk past him without him noticing, but Lily gives me away. She’s excited to see him.
“Where are you two going?” he asks, thumbing through the mail, clearly eyeing up my outfit.
“Just for a walk.” I’m trying to avoid this conversation; doesn’t he get that?
“Dressed like that?” He asks, pointing to my bare shoulder. Scandalous.
He does get it.
Rishi appears in the building doorway, waving like a flag on a dock, but thankfully waits outside and doesn’t come in. Goddamnit. He catches Jae’s attention.
“I suppose he’s not here to see me.” Jae grimaces, the displeasure drips off his voice like honey on a hot spoon.
“We’re going to the farmers’ market.”
“Good luck with that,” Jae says plainly, as if I’d said, “I’m going to jury duty!” His eyes are daggers, but mine are assault rifles.
I pick up Lily and stomp out the door. Two can play at this bullshit game.
Rishi and I walk the market awkwardly, like two teenagers who know their parents are watching. We make awkward conversation with awkward gestures, and I know it’s because my heart is back in the apartment building, arguing with Jae in the lobby.
I’m half-considering purchasing a bouquet of dried lavender when Rishi offers to buy it for me, and without thinking, I decline faster than he asked. I explain that Jae bought me flowers last night.
“Jae bought you flowers last night?” he asks, presumptuous.
This date isn’t going to end in a fairytale kiss.
“Riley,” Rishi starts, his hands folded in front of him like he’s giving a presentation. “I’m having a great time with you. But Jae is coming between us more than I’d like.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Why did Jae buy you flowers?” He asks me.
“To make up for ruining our date,” I explain.
“So, why won’t you let me buy you flowers?”
“Because—”
“I think your heart might be somewhere else.” He sighs.
I sigh. He’s right, and I feel like an asshole for dragging him around just to make Jae jealous.
“I’m so sorry, Rishi,” I say. “Look…I’m rusty at this. My fiancé died three years ago. This is my first foray back into dating. I—I didn’t know about my feelings for Jae until a few hours ago.”
“Riley, I get it,” Rishi squeezes my shoulder. “But I think we should just be friends.”
I nod solemnly. We agree to take some time off from seeing each other before trying to be friends. I walk back to my building alone.
That night, once I’m in bed, I dial Jae’s number.
“Hello?” The familiar crackle.
“It’s me.”
“I know it’s you.”
“What are you doing right now?”.
“Riley.” His voice is a sunken ship.
“Yeah?” I’m an anchor.
“Can you come up here?”
The offer is incredibly tempting, and while my brain is saying, No! You’ll do bad things! I hear myself saying, “Yes, I’ll be there in five minutes.”
I quickly put on the fuzziest pink bathrobe over the rattiest T-shirt I can find, and after locking my front door, I begin climbing the two flights up the stairs, and round the corner to my old—Jae’s—apartment. That still takes some getting used to.
He opens the door, and I see him standing there, looking delicious in a black turtleneck with equally black jeans. I am in a fluffy pink bathrobe.
I’m caught off guard by him once again. His eyes are almost as black as his outfit and I’m fluttering at the thought. I am slightly out of breath, and Jae’s face is flushed a light pink. I wonder if he’s been drinking.
“Are you okay? Did you climb the stairs?” he asks.
“I did. I was in a hurry,”
“Why are you in such a rush? It’s not like I’m going anywhere.” He laughs at me.
“Can I come in?” I ask timidly. He opens the door wider to gesture me in.
“I can get you some water.” Jae swallows hard.
He hands me a glass of water that I eagerly chug down.
“Riley…I need to tell you, Riley, that I…” He says my name like a curse.
“What?” I ask. I trail off and look at my feet.
“I can’t let this go on longer,” Jae says. His face looks like I’m the one who’s given him bad news. I cross my arms and turn away from him, toward the kitchen counter.
“Let what go on?” I mumble, my hands automatically going through my hair to my temples. I look Jae in the eye, and he stares back at me with a look I haven’t seen before because I am so used to the look that precludes it. Play dumb.
He has the laser focus of someone aiming a gun at a target when he takes a step towards me. We are two countries warring over the same piece of land.
I am the heavily armed opponent, my guns aimed directly at his heart, his aimed directly at mine. He is a silent sharpshooter, his hands are the weapon of choice. They remain chivalrously by his side. My hands are my weapon of choice, and they are reaching beyond my level.
We both know where this is going and have imagined this scenario a thousand different times in the ways we have wanted, but not done. It is a ferocious, endless battle to fight any instinct I have to touch him.
It could have been in the restaurant.
It could have been in the park.
It could have been last night, or the night before, or any other night since the very first night.
Jae quietly takes a second step.
A third. A fourth. A fifth.
Until he’s close enough to touch me.
We argue silently, debating how this should go down.
Who will pull the trigger first? Will either of us surrender?
Me? Or him?
Who will break first?
It’s him. He shoots first with a sweep of his fingers on the side of my face and a quiet whisper of my name. “Riley.”
My defenses are falling. His voice is like the softest dress of silk chiffon, buttery and rich. Jae’s fingers travel through my hair, to take the place of my own hands on my temples. I am the buttery dress in his hands.
We move slowly like molasses, both of us trying to delay the inevitable because there’s something so sweet, so tempting about the just about to, not quite there, the almost time. There’s something so genuinely despicable about making me wait this long.
I fire a second shot—I put a hand on his chest. Who’s in charge now?
It’s the first time I’ve ever touched Jae like this, like someone with intentions, like someone with an agenda. His chest is firm muscle under the knit fabric of his sweater. Everything about it makes me want to lay down all my weapons and let him shoot bullets through me.
“Riley,” Jae whispers, his voice a steady battle drum.
A third shot. One more hand. I put my other hand on his waist, squeezing his hip bone. I weather the fury of his fire as he rubs my temple in slow, soft circles. I am almost beaten down, on the brink of surrender.
“I can’t get the thought of you and him out of my head.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t go out with Rishi anymore.”
“I don’t ask who you’ve been going out with.”
We are staring into each other’s eyes, analyzing like we have done so many times before. And before I can unload my weapons and surrender once and for all, he asks.
“Please, can I kiss you?”
Sweet, tender victory. “You can do whatever you want, Jae.”
I confirm his loss by brushing his lips with my very own personal atom bomb. I kissed him first . And as it turns out, I am, by far, the winner of this long-fought battle. His kisses are the homecoming parade I have so desperately wanted. A kiss here. And there. The side of my face. A nip of my neck.
And I am blown to bits, regardless of my battle victory. I find myself kissing him back with such ferocity, I can’t catch my breath. Jae gives me a taste of his tongue and I abandon my own ships for the other side. He pulls me thoroughly into his own arms, wrapping me tightly in a bouquet of his warmth.
This isn’t like the kiss from Rishi. This isn’t like our kiss last week.This is needy and destitute. This is prying me open. With each kiss, my spine tingles and warmth grows low in my belly. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in the last three years.
I’m ready to accept your confession now, Jae.
Am I? I grow hesitant with my kisses, and I jolt back like I was shocked with an electric buzzer.
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.”
What have I done? What did I just do?
Jae stands there stunned, his hands releasing me just as fast, going up to his mouth like he can’t believe what he just did either.
I feel a bloodthirsty wave of grief come over me. It looms over me like a comically evil villain, waiting to catch me when I’m down, itching to snatch me up and tear me limb from limb. Oh my god. I just made out with someone else. I stave it off for fear of crying.
Instead of crying, I just laugh. I’m laughing. This is fucking hysterical. But oh my god, I missed it so much. I missed being kissed. I just want to kiss him again.
Jae still stands there, dumbfounded.
“What?” he asks, his voice flustered, like I had just embarrassed him instead of myself.
“I’m so sorry.” I double over and flap my hands at him. “This was a mistake.” I turn towards the door to leave and bury myself under a pile of weighted blankets, but he reaches and yanks my arm to furl me towards him.
“It wasn’t a mistake to me, Riley.”
I’m forced to stare at his eyes. They are not peaceful.
“I—I—” I’m taken aback. He really had meant to kiss me.
“This isn’t a joke to me.”
“This isn’t a joke to me either!” I’m hurling my words at him. Tearing my eyes away from him is an act of violence.
“Riley,” The moment he says my name, I release my vigor and let him pull me close again. He puts a gentle, giant hand on my chin and brings my face to look up at him. I look at him, completely doe-eyed. He is so fucking attractive right now. I somehow manage not to shove my tongue down his throat.
“I like you. Jae. Like, I really like you.” My confession is an act of terrorism.
“I like you too, Riley. I think we should try this.” He knows how nervous I am to try this. “You don’t have to say anything.”
And I don’t. I just kiss him again before weaving my way out of his arms and leaving just as abruptly as I came.