Chapter Sixteen
Maya
Maya pounded the door hard, grazing her knuckles on the wood. Please be in. Please be in.
Her heart raced. She’d run all the way there, and now she felt foolish. Nauseated. Ridiculous. Standing out in the hallway, it was becoming impossible to hold back tears. She brushed a few across her cheek and knocked hard again.
I should’ve fucking known.
The door finally opened. Maddie greeted her in her fluffy pink dressing gown, but Maya didn’t have it in her to smile or crack a joke.
Maddie took one look at her and tugged her through the door. Her panicked green eyes took in the state of her, wheezing and tearstained, hair swept by the wind. She shouldn’t have come here. Maddie hated strong emotional outbursts, and she didn’t want to make things worse.
They stood in the entryway. Maddie raked her hands through her black fringe, eyes darting over Maya’s face. “Maya—I—erm—”
“I’m sorry. Sorry.” Maya tried to smile, but her chin wobbled. She should’ve called first. Or texted, at least, but everything happened so quickly. “Hannah?” she asked.
Maddie shook her head.
Shit.
The last thing Maya wanted was to make Maddie uncomfortable, but it wasn’t like she could go to Jamie about this—not that she would put her problems on Jamie, anyway. In fact, she didn’t want to put her problems on anyone, but apart from crying in the street, she didn’t know where else to go.
“I’m sorry, I—uh—I’m not good at this.” Maddie flapped her hands, the crease between her eyes deepening. She glanced about the room, as if searching for a quick-fix plaster she could stick over this blubbering woman on her doorstep. “Hannah’s at netball, and I—uh… Wait.” She stopped suddenly, twisting back to face her. “Do you want to use my safe space?”
Maya nodded, and Maddie awkwardly guided her into her bedroom. It was exactly how she remembered it: pictures of Maddie and Alex stuck to the cream walls with Blu-Tack, along with pictures of Maya and Hannah. Maddie’s own artwork was strewn about her desk, a few signature coal sketches pinned behind her headboard. Her soft yellow bedspread was covered in stuffed animals, including a bear with a half-bitten ear that she’d had since she was a toddler. The sight usually made Maya smile; it was such a different aesthetic from the one Maddie showed in her appearance.
But today, Maddie ushered Maya into the corner and pointed for her to sit on her grey beanbag.
Maya sunk down, her body cradled like a big hug, and sighed, becoming one with the chair. Maddie flicked off the lights, and Maya was suddenly very aware of her ragged breathing. Her friend rustled about in the darkness, searching for something, but Maya could only make out her silhouette.
Finally, she let out a little yelp of glee and clicked a switch.
Thousands of stars lit up the ceiling, arching across in delicate curves. The projector whirred somewhere to the right of her, but Maya couldn’t look away from the warm lights slowly drifting around them.
It settled something in her chest.
“Do you want me to leave?” Maddie’s voice momentarily jarred her out of the floating sensation .
“Whatever you want to do is fine by me, Mads. Thank you.”
Without saying another word, Maddie lay on her bed, the slats creaking, to join the stargazing.
Maya wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, listening to the quiet ocean sounds playing through Maddie’s speaker, but the jingle of a key in the lock brought Maya crashing back to earth far too soon. Hannah was home.
Now she was calm, she didn’t want to have to explain herself, but she knew she would have to. Hannah would never leave it alone. Maya hoped she wouldn’t say ‘I told you so’.
The bedroom door creaked open, and Hannah poked her head in. The light from the living room polluted the space, fully bringing Maya out of the illusion.
“Everything okay?” Hannah asked. She was still wearing her red netball kit, auburn hair loose over her shoulders. “Can I join?” When Maddie answered, she stepped inside, closed the door, and took a seat on the floor next to Maya. “Has something happened?”
The waves crashed in the background. Maya wondered when she’d last been to the seaside. She couldn’t remember. Jamie’s comment about Whitby sprung into her mind, and she swallowed, feeling suddenly guilty.
“It’s…Carly,” she admitted, feeling a tinge of embarrassment about her emotional outburst. It had just been so unexpected; it had caught her off guard. She should’ve anticipated it, though, and that’s what she was angry about. Her own stupid naivety.
Hannah’s voice hardened. “What has she done?”
Her quick change in tone almost made Maya smile. Hannah was always the first to defend her.
Maya followed a star across the ceiling, waiting until it disappeared to let out a heavy sigh. After her first text, Carly had sent another, wanting to catch up at the Globe. It’d been a while since she’d wanted to hang out, just the two of them—something they used to do most weekends. Maya had thought that meant they might still share something, that all these years being friends hadn’t been just a waste. They could chat about Carly’s dance recitals, and Maya would explain the football rules for the millionth time. She’d tease Carly about the crappy reality TV she loved to watch, and they’d forget about the strains and the weirdness that’d worked its way into their relationship.
But instead, Carly wanted to introduce Maya to her new boyfriend, Luke Ingle.
Maya knew this was going to happen at some point. Carly was single, she could be in a relationship with whoever she wanted, but walking in and seeing her draped over his tall frame was a punch to the gut. She hadn’t expected it to hit so hard, but what hurt the most was realising how much time Maya had wasted on her…pining, torturing herself, and coming to the conclusion that everything her friends had been saying was right .
Hannah and Maddie listened as Maya talked it out. Being in the darkness helped. In Maddie’s safe space, Maya felt…well, safe.
Hannah reached out and took her hand. “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, Maya. You didn’t deserve that.”
“It’s okay. She didn’t know.”
Hannah huffed, her accent coming through stronger. “The woman must be blind if she couldn’t see the way you looked at her. But…never mind. It’s her loss. Right, Mads?”
“Right,” Maddie agreed from across the room.
The three of them laughed at Maddie’s awkwardness, and most of Maya’s sadness washed away, dispersed by the ocean waves and her two best friends.
“How do you feel about it now?” Hannah asked, releasing her hand so she could flop back on Maddie’s rug.
“It’s done,” Maya answered honestly. That part of her life, the Carly part, was over. What she’d suspected had proved true: Carly had never liked her romantically, and the fact she’d found somebody else was a clear message. Maya wasn’t used to letting things go; she guessed she didn’t really know how and had never thought she would have to with Carly. But if she were honest, she and Carly hadn’t been friends for a long time. Now she was over the shock of it, her mind actually felt clearer than it had in months. “We were never meant to be. ”
“She never passed the Pot Noodle test,” Maddie said, her voice sounding far away.
“What’s that?” Maya asked.
“If she wouldn’t eat one with us, then she couldn’t be a good match for you.”
Her serious manner made Maya smile. She really meant it. “I guess that’s a good theory.”
Hannah snorted. “Maybe I should put that in my Tinder bio. ‘ Must like Pot Noodles. ’”
The three of them cackled, debating which flavour would attract the best suitor for Hannah. The artificial sky twinkled above them as they lay back and let the night pass them by.
* * *
After giving Hannah and Maddie a big squeeze, Maya left their apartment, feeling reflective. When her mum had offered to pick Maya up from Hannah and Maddie’s, she’d hesitated. The atmosphere between them hadn’t been great since Grandpa’s second stroke. Each of them were like passing ships in the night trying to avoid deathly icebergs, but Hannah encouraged her to lend an olive branch.
“You don’t need to make things harder for yourself than they already are,” she’d said.
I guess she has a point .
Yet as her mum’s white Audi approached, unease swirled in Maya’s belly.
“Hello, love,” she said, as Maya climbed into the passenger seat and shut the door. Her perfume hit her instantly, stinging her nose. Her mum checked something in the mirror—her make-up or potential road hazards, who knew?—and pulled out onto the road.
“Hey. Thanks for picking me up. How are you?”
“I’m not bad, thanks, love. It’s been a long day.”
When the return question never came, Maya’s skin prickled. I’m doing fine, Mum. Thanks for asking. Her barriers were held together with sticky tape after the earlier incident with Carly. Normally, fading into the background suited Maya fine.
She exhaled, determined not to let it bother her. “How was work?” she asked.
“Fine. Fine. Although Hunter did mention a potential client in Miami. Imagine! Miami.” Her mum’s expression took on a dreamy quality as she waited at the roundabout.
Maya wondered if that would be soon. It was strange, really. For so much of her younger life, she’d wanted her mum to be at home. Now she’d got used to her being away, she found herself craving the opposite. Did that make her a bad person?
“Of course,” she continued. “It depends on what happens with…”
With Grandpa? That struck a nerve. How could she be so blasé about it?
“What, so when he dies, you’ll go to Miami, you mean? ”
Her mum snapped her head to scowl at her, but Maya continued looking straight ahead at the road.
“God, Maya, that’s not what I said.” The car indicator filled the silence. She waited until she’d turned right before clicking off. “Family comes first.”
Maya resisted the urge to scoff. Actions speak louder than words . She really didn’t want to fight or argue, though, so she bit her tongue. Her mum had offered to pick her up without her asking—which was nice of her. The trains at this time were dubbed “the creepy train” on campus, and could also be very unreliable at night, so she chose to let her mum’s words go.
“Did you have a nice time tonight?” her mum asked.
“Yeah, thanks.” Which wasn’t a lie either. After the Carly encounter, the three of them had stayed in Maddie’s room laughing until their bellies ached. She’d almost forgotten about the entire thing. “It’s always good to see them.”
“Good. And what about Maddie’s…partner. Is…are they still…?”
When she fidgeted awkwardly, Maya jumped in. “Trans. Yes. You can say it, Mum. It’s not a dirty word.”
“Maya! I never said anything—”
“And his pronouns are he/him. Don’t overthink it.”
Another awkward silence filled the car. It seemed they couldn’t go two minutes without finding something to squabble over. Maya wished she’d taken the train.
The streetlights cast yellow streaks across her jeans as they passed. She counted twelve before her mum sighed and spoke again.
“I’m sorry if I was offensive. I’m not up to date with all the latest stuff.”
Even that was problematic. As if Alex’s life was just a TikTok trend he’d jumped on board with.
Her mum tapped her freshly manicured nails on the steering wheel. “It’s just new for me. It wasn’t my generation. But I am trying, Maya.”
She tried to remember what Hannah had said before she left. ‘ Don’t make things harder for yourself than they already are’. Easier said than done.
“I know,” she managed, through a clenched jaw.
But this conversation was a minefield of stuff that could go wrong. Luckily, they were almost home. She swallowed the rest of her sentence. Adding, I just wish you’d listen, to the conversation in her head instead.
She’d learned there was not much use in expressing her feelings; it only ended in an argument. Like the time her mum had redecorated her room when she was younger, from her favourite football themed to pink and purple. When eight-year-old Maya cried and was called ungrateful, she’d spent the night being comforted by Grandpa, drawing pictures to spruce up the walls. When Maya had come out as a lesbian, her mum had been more concerned about whether she’d get grandchildren than how Maya was feeling. ‘Don’t be so quick to label yourself. You’re too young to know.’ They hadn’t spoken for days after, neither of them knowing what to say. Not much had changed since .
Her mum continued drumming her nails on the steering wheel. It seemed she was holding something back, too. The air in the car thickened.
Maya didn’t want them to fight—she knew how much Grandma hated it. She was always the mediator between them, the voice of reason when they didn’t see eye to eye about football or Maya’s plans to become a Strength and Conditioning coach, but Grandma had enough on her plate as it was. Maya cracked her fingers and swallowed.
“Thanks for picking me up,” she said. “It’s nice to not have to get the train or bus.”
Her mum perked up, her smile showing her pearly white teeth. “No problem, love.”
They turned onto their road, and Maya was relieved they’d be home soon. “Any news on Grandpa?” she asked.
“No change since this morning.”
He’d been making steady progress at the rehabilitation centre. In a week, he’d be able to come home. The thought made Maya smile. She missed him.
“Although,” her mum continued. “There was something I wanted to ask you.”
She pulled onto the drive, and Maya’s insides tensed. Her mum usually came straight out with things.
“I have a date on Wednesday.”
Oh…okay.
“Grandma isn’t doing as well as she says she is. I hoped you could rearrange your football game so you can stay with her. I really need a night off.”
What? Is she serious?
“I can’t just rearrange the games, Mum. It’s a proper league. There are rules and—I’m the captain, for god’s sake—”
“Maya.” Her mum tutted and shook her head. “With everything going on, I thought you might let me have one night off.”
“Let you have one night off?” She clenched her fists, hot bubbling rage swelling in her gut. This was unbelievable. “You could’ve picked any day of the week, and it would’ve been fine. Just not that one. Don’t you understand…” She shook her head, tears pricking behind her eyelids. She hated frustrated crying. “It’s…”
Important to me. It’s my last year. It’s something that I need, too.
How could she not get that?
But her mum never asked about football. Or Maya’s upcoming exams. Or the decision that awaited her at the end of the year. She thought her career choice was a dead end. She didn’t understand Maya at all. They were too different.
The events of the night caught up with her again. Carly. The rejection. The nail in the coffin of their friendship.
Was she unintentionally signalling “treat me like a doormat”? Well, not anymore. If she had to accept her dead-end relationship with Carly, she could do the same here. Even if they were family .
She looked at her mother. Her dyed blonde hair and red lipstick. Those dark eyes flicking over her face with the same confusion she imagined was reflected in hers.
Family comes first? Yeah, right.
A crisis in the family was supposed to bring them closer together, not push them further apart. Maya didn’t know what to do with that. She didn’t know what else to say.
So, without another word, she got out of the car, leaving her mum in the driver’s seat, to watch her walk away.