Day 7 New Brunswick, NJ #3
I glance over at Damian. He’s staring up at the ceiling, as if his memories are all stored in the porch light. “How did you meet him?”
“In high school,” Damian sighs. “We were on the football team together and he was — damn, he was pretty. Smart, too — and funny. We used to hang out every day after school, and we got to be really good friends, but being around him was just eating me up inside.”
“So what did you do?”
“I moved halfway across the country for college and I didn’t look back,” he replies, and there’s an odd note in his voice. “We still talk on the phone from time to time, and I see him when I go home for holidays, but that’s about it.”
I feel like he’s poured a cold bucket of water down my spine. “Is that — I mean, is it the only way?”
“It was for me. In your case — I don’t know, dude. You have to answer that for yourself. But in my experience, it’s pretty hard to get over somebody if they’re constantly reminding you why you don’t want to.”
I feel like my insides have been scraped out with a spoon, and I hug my knees to my chest, letting out a wry laugh. “Man, this night did not turn out the way I thought it would.”
He grins. “It most certainly did not.”
I pick at the hole in the knee of my jeans. “I guess fucking me is now completely off the table.”
This time we both laugh, and it feels good to crack through the ice after everything we’ve shared. When we quiet down, Damian looks thoughtful. “You know I actually don’t do that too often, anymore? One night stands, I mean.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “You definitely gave me the impression earlier that you were trying to get in my pants.”
“Can I be candid?” he asks. I nod, and he reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers together.
“Sam, you’re — when I met you this afternoon, I was pretty smitten.
I thought you and Max might have something going on, but when you were coming on to me the way you were — well, I wanted to get to know you better. And now that I have —”
He takes a deep breath, and I’m frozen in my seat.
“Sam, I don’t think I have it in me to be casual with you.
I think you’re just — you’re the kind of person who deserves the world.
All those things you want — having a person in your life who loves everything about you, and who wants you at the same time — you deserve to have that.
I really hope you have it someday. I wish I could give it to you, but I think you and I both know that you have to work out how you feel about Max first. I just wanted to let you know, though — you have options. ”
I swallow hard, and when my voice comes out, it’s a bit higher than usual. “That’s, uh — that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“Well then, I’m glad I had the chance to have that honor.”
We’re both quiet, the air between us scrubbed clean, like the freshness after a rainstorm. Finally, he clears his throat. “It’s, uh — late —”
“Yeah, do you think we should —”
“I mean, if you want to —”
We both crack up, and then Damian unwinds from the couch, offering me a hand to pull me up. Back inside, he hesitates at the base of the stairs. “Well — night, Sam.”
“Good night, Damian.” I reach up to kiss his cheek. “And thank you.”
It takes me a little while to fumble in the dark for my overnight bag and to take care of my nighttime routine in the back bathroom.
I’m prickly all over, as if I had scrubbed my skin with steel wool, but at the same time, I’m at peace.
When I return to the living room, I can see in the semidarkness that Roxie and Blake have commandeered the pullout couch, and that Max is sacked out on the other full-length couch.
All that’s left is the loveseat. I sigh, walking over to grab the seat cushions, spreading them on the floor next to Max.
With my sleeping bag, I should be comfortable enough.
I’m just settling down when Max turns over to face me, his whisper cutting through the darkness. “Sorry, I thought I was sleeping alone tonight, or I would have saved you a spot.”
“What do you mean?” I hiss back.
“It’s kinda shitty that he would fuck you and then make you sleep on the floor. Or is that just how these things work? I wouldn’t know.”
I open my mouth and shut it again. He might as well have slapped me. “How the fuck is that your business?”
“Sorry —”
“No, seriously —” I sit up suddenly. “Why are you being such a dick?”
Max looks at me mulishly, and for a second we’re both frozen, metallic. Then his face falls, the fight draining out of him. “No, you’re right. I am being a dick. It was just a weird night, that’s all.”
“Okay,” I reply carefully. I lie down again, pulling the sleeping bag up around my shoulders.
“Want me to take the floor?” he murmurs.
“No, you got to the couch first.” I roll away from him, pillowing my head on my arm. “And for the record, I didn’t sleep with him. We just talked.”
It takes me a long time to fall asleep, to calm my racing heart and put my brain to rest. But even though I wait for Max’s deep breathing, for his soft snores, I’m lost in dreams before they come.