Day 16 Boston, MA
SAM
I HAVE TO BE DREAMING, RIGHT?
I can’t be walking down Boylston Street in Boston, hand in hand with Max while we look for a free spot to watch the parade.
We can’t possibly be at Pride together — together, or at least something like it.
Not like last year, when we went to Philly Pride and he spent the whole time trying to hype me up and make sure I had a good time.
I’m surrounded by rainbow flags and I know what it feels like to kiss Max, to have his hands on me, and I just can’t believe it’s true.
But then he looks over at me and winks, and a tiny voice in my head whispers that it’s real.
It has to be real, because I woke up on the couch early this morning with his arm around me, my face buried in his chest, just like we passed out last night after everything that happened.
And it all came flooding back, every awful thing River said, everything I had to tell Max, and it must have been written all over my face because he lifted my chin and kissed me and told me to put it out of my head, that nothing was going to ruin this day for us.
He’s been as good as his word, too. He borrowed one of my shirts, just like he did that night at the gay bar, but this time he didn’t put anything over it.
And he asked me to paint his nails, so we sat outside in the shabby little yard and I did his, and then mine.
It was Max’s turn to drive, and he blasted the Dropkick Murphys the whole way down from Haverhill while Roxie screamed at him to watch the road from the backseat.
Me, though? I just sat back and laughed, because sometimes it feels good to be alive.
It’s not like I’m over what happened last night with River.
Somehow, he managed to articulate every single awful thing I’ve whispered to myself over the course of the past week, and he said them all out loud.
I don’t know where this thing with Max is going.
I don’t know what’s happening in his head or his heart, and I’m afraid to ask.
I’m still waiting every day for this whole thing to come crashing down around my ears.
But when the sky is this blue, when there’s music in the air, when Max is holding my hand and I’m surrounded by people who are like me — like us — it’s hard to feel anything but joy.
We find an open space along the curb, and Max plops down, patting the space beside him for me to sit. When I do, he throws an arm around my shoulders and gives me a hug.
“You know, this feels different,” he says.
I look over at him, trying to read his profile. “Different — in a good way?”
“Yeah, you know —” Max shrugs, blushing a little. “You and I have done stuff like this before, but — I dunno, this time it’s actually for me too. I belong here.”
“Yeah, you do,” I agree. “I mean, you spent the whole last week touching a dick that doesn’t belong to you.”
Max laughs. “Turns out I love touching dicks that don’t belong to me.”
I nudge his ribs with my elbow. “You’re damn good at it, too.”
“Am I, now?” He raises an eyebrow at me, and something warm bubbles up in my lower abdomen. “Maybe if you’re very good, I’ll do it again tonight.”
“Oh yeah?” I whisper. “I just hope it’s gonna be mine.”
Max’s eyebrows nearly shoot up into his hair. But then he starts to laugh, grabbing me close and kissing me soundly. And it feels incredible, being out in public with him like this, putting all my worries aside and just living, letting myself be in the moment.
When he pulls away, we both look out at the crowd surrounding us, all waiting for the first signs of the parade coming up the street.
“There are a lot of shirtless dudes around here,” Max observes.
“Mmm, distracting, isn’t it?” I concur.
Max looks over at me. Then he grabs the hem of his tank top, pulling it up over his head and stuffing it into his messenger bag.
“Oh my god, really?” I giggle. But I follow suit, and when my shirt is stowed away, he pulls me close, dropping a kiss on my shoulder.
“Much better, don’t you think?” he asks.
“You’re crazy,” I shoot back. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
MAX
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sam so happy.
We’re just a couple of young dudes, right?
Which means usually, we don’t take anything seriously.
We spend all day teasing each other and we make fun of anything that gets too sentimental.
We don’t exactly sit at home reading poetry to each other.
But I dunno, there’s just something about the sheer fucking joy all around us that gets under my skin.
Everywhere I look, I see people having a great time with the ones they love.
I don’t want to snark or tease or anything. I just want to belong.
And Sam? He’s a bright ball of energy, as bubbly as his pink hair, bouncing along beside me.
It’s almost like I’m seeing him for the first time, which is crazy because I’ve known him forever and I thought I knew every single little thing there was to know about him.
But it’s like — maybe he’s been holding me at arm’s length all this time, but he’s suddenly decided to let me all the way in.
Like I was seeing him through a veil, and now I’m not.
Because otherwise, how could I have missed how flirty he is?
How maddeningly sexy? It’s like he was just waiting for permission, and now it’s his job to make sure I’m walking around with half a stiffy all the time.
It’s so much more than that, though. It’s — something big.
Something I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be feeling after only six days, something that would be crazy to say, even though I used to say it all the time without a second thought.
Something I’m keeping to myself for now, even though it bubbles up into my throat every time he looks at me.
Something I’m going to tell him. But maybe not today.
The parade ended about an hour ago, and we’re walking hand in hand through the Pride Festival on Boston Common.
Sam is doing most of the browsing, and I’m pretty much just happy to be seen with him, breathing in the energy all around us.
We’ve just stepped into a little tent filled with handmade jewelry and Pride gear when he stops, giving my fingers a squeeze.
“Shit, I changed my mind. I do want to buy that book.” He glances back the way we came, toward a book stall we left a little while ago.
“Not a big deal, it’s not far,” I chuckle. “Do you want me to walk you back?”
“No, that’s okay,” Sam replies. “I’ll just be a minute, if that’s okay?”
He turns to go, but I tug on his hand. “Wait —”
It feels so easy to pull him into a kiss, even though I know I’m going to see him again in just a few minutes. And it must have been the right thing to do, because his open palm feels electric on my bare waist, and when he pulls away his eyes are shining.
“You’re too much,” he whispers. “I’ll be right back.”
When I look up, the lady behind the counter is smiling at me. “Your boyfriend is a real cutie. How long have you two been together?”
Boyfriend.
“Um, actually not all that long?” I push my hair back from my face, and I don’t know why I feel hot all over. “He’s been my best friend forever but I guess I’ve finally seen the light.”
She laughs. “I know exactly how that is. Pretty much every time I’ve fallen in love with a girl, I’ve had to do the whole dance of do I want to BE her? Or do I want to be WITH her? And then I can never tell whether she’s flirting with me, so it all turns into a big old mess.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly how it was.
I think maybe he figured it out a while ago, but I’m just a dumbass.
” I relax, stepping a little closer to her table.
It feels good to talk about this stuff out loud.
Practice, maybe, for seeing my sister in two days. “Did you make all of these yourself?”
“I did! I mean, not the flags and bandannas and things. But all the jewelry, sure.”
I look over the merchandise on display. There are earrings and necklaces and all sorts of things, but what catches my eye are a series of simple beaded bracelets, the colors of the Pride flag knotted onto a black leather cord. I pick up two of them and hold them out.
“Just these for me?”
She smiles warmly. “Of course.”
I put on one of the bracelets and step back out into the sunlight.
As I turn my head, I spot Sam coming towards me through the crowd, and I stand still to watch him, because damn, I feel like I have to catch up on a lifetime of looking at him the way he deserves.
When he reaches me, he slips his hand into mine.
“Did you miss me?” he murmurs.
“It was unbearable,” I tease back. “But look, I got you something —”
“Aww, you didn’t —”
The words die in his throat, his hazel eyes large and round as I slip the bracelet onto his wrist and show him mine. “See? We match.”
“Max —”
He throws his arms around my neck and kisses me hard. And I don’t care that we’re half-naked in the middle of a crowd of people, that we’re blocking the path, that we’re making a scene. Making him happy is the best thing I’ve ever done.
ROXIE
“Uggghh, I don’t wanna play drums today. Lying here is my life now.”
I’m flat on my stomach with the van blanket spread underneath me, my chin resting on my hand as I watch a tiny ant toiling through the grass right in front of my face. Blake is next to me on the blanket, and he rolls onto his side, putting a sympathetic hand on the small of my back.
“We could make a break for it,” he suggests. “Change our names and move to a small coastal fishing village.”
I flip onto my side so I can look at him. He doesn’t have any gel in his hair today, so it’s flopping all over his forehead, making him look like he’s about ten years old. “What the fuck would we do in a small coastal fishing village?”
Blake shrugs. “Paint brooding pictures of the ocean while slowly going mad?”