Day 18 Burlington, VT （Day Off） #2
“Did he now?” I settle down in the chair next to Roxie, stretching my legs out in front of me. “I hope Blake put up a fight, at least.”
“Nah, he was a willing victim,” Roxie chuckles.
“Paul was telling us all about how you guys run this place as a collective, with the communal plots and stuff, and as soon as he said mutual aid I knew Blake was gone forever. I hope you guys are looking to adopt a shrimp with a heart of gold, because they went off to look at the chicken coops or some shit and I don’t think they’re coming back. ”
“I think you may be right,” I agree, shielding my eyes with my hand as I peer across the yard, spotting two figures inspecting the berry patch. “Once Paul gets going on politics, it takes a long time for him to stop.”
“Blake, too,” Roxie groans, and we lapse into companionable silence.
The farm has actually been in Paul’s family for generations. But I guess he was cut from more radical cloth than his forebears, because when the property came to him, he decided he wanted to do more than make himself comfortable with it. It’s one of the many things I admire about him.
Beside me, Roxie clears her throat, and I glance over at her. “Hey, uh — can I ask you something?”
“Sure, go ahead,” I reply.
“Why did you quit touring? I mean, it seemed like you had a pretty good thing going for a while. At least, your brother fucking worships you and he always seemed to think so.”
I size her up. “Let me ask you a question in return — how are you feeling right now? After two weeks in that tour van?”
“Tired as shit,” Roxie snorts. She jabs her thumb over in the direction of Sam and Max. “And ready to throw those two chucklefucks off the next bridge. I mean — no offense.”
I laugh, crossing my arms over my chest. “None taken. But here — think about how you’re feeling right now, and multiply it by years and years.
I left home when I was nineteen and I had nobody.
I was living out of my car, couch surfing when I could, sleeping in a tent when I couldn’t.
Sometimes I’d stay with a boyfriend for a few months, but that always came with strings.
And it got a little better when I made some money and turned in my Toyota Camry for a minivan, but still, it was a lot. I just didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“And then you met Paul?” Roxie suggests.
“Something like that.” I smile at the memory.
“One night after a show turned into a whole week, which turned into collect calls and postcards from the road, coming back up here whenever my touring schedule would let me. And one night we were lying out there in the yard where Leo is right now, staring up at the stars, and I knew I didn’t want to run anymore. That I was finally home.”
Roxie chews the inside of her cheek as she watches Blake gesturing over a row of blueberry bushes. “I don’t feel like I have all the answers yet. I still have a lot of fuckin’ living to do.”
“You’ve got plenty of time,” I reassure her. “I’ve driven through every state in this country except Alaska and Hawaii and I think I bought Max a magnet in every one of them. I’ve had my adventures, and that’s why I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. You’ll figure it out.”
Roxie shrugs. “Yeah, I guess.”
Across the yard, Sam collapses on the grass, and Max falls down beside him. For a moment they linger, eyes locked on each other, their laughter growing quiet. But then Leo tumbles onto Max’s belly with a piercing squeal, and they’re off again, tussling like three puppies.
I lean my head towards Roxie. “Is Max okay? He’s been — I’m not quite sure. A little different since he got here. Softer than usual.”
Roxie seems to be considering her answer. “I don’t think that’s my story to tell,” she says carefully. “You should probably talk to him.”
“Fair enough.”
I sit back in my chair, enjoying the cool breeze in the shade. Max will be here for two nights — I’ll pull him aside at some point and figure out what’s going on with my little brother.
MAX
“Anybody want another marshmallow?” Sage holds the bag out to the rest of us. “I need to get these things away from me.”
“I’ll take one!” Roxie says cheerfully, and Sage hands her the whole bag.
Roxie’s been a lot more mellow than usual tonight, but then, I saw her sneaking out towards the barn with Blake and Paul a little while ago, and when they came back, they were all acting a little silly.
Weird, because I always thought Blake was straight edge.
But I guess all of our principles can be conditional in the right circumstances.
“Oooh, me too —” Blake opens his mouth like a baby bird, and Roxie snickers.
“No, come on, you can’t — fuck, we’re in public —”
But she stuffs one in his mouth anyway, and they both dissolve into giggles.
As for me, I’m completely sober for once.
Sam is sitting next to me, jiggling his knee as he stares into the fire, and I’m hyper-aware of him, our plans for tonight screaming inside my head.
We agreed not to act like we were a thing in front of Sage, at least not until I have a chance to come out to her, and keeping away from Sam today has been agony.
I can’t wait to get him alone in our room.
He must be thinking along the same lines, because he straightens up abruptly. “I’m actually going to head up to bed. I’m pretty tired.”
“So soon?” Sage asks.
“Yeah, you know —” Sam fakes a yawn, stretching his arms over his head. “Tour has me all wiped out. Might as well get a good night’s sleep when I can.”
“Sam is very responsible,” Blake says seriously, and Roxie buries her face in his shoulder to conceal her snorts.
As Sam gets ready to leave, he rests his hand on my shoulder, putting his mouth close to my ear. “Give me about half an hour, okay?”
I nod discreetly, giving Sam’s hand a brief squeeze. But as he heads out across the lawn, I notice that Sage is giving me her highly perceptive older sister look, and I dunno if I want to get into it with her tonight.
But thankfully Blake and Roxie stick around, and the four of us shoot the shit for a while as I count down the minutes on my watch. At thirty minutes on the dot, I stand up and stretch.
“Think I’m going to head up too,” I announce, and start towards the house. But I hear a set of footsteps behind me.
“Max, wait a sec —” Sage reaches for my arm, and I turn to look at her. “I’ve been meaning to ask you — is everything okay? Something is off with you.”
“Hey, um —” I chew on my lip. Sage and I always tell each other the truth. “Actually, there’s some stuff I want to talk to you about. But I’m so beat right now. Could we do it tomorrow?”
Sage studies my face, drawing in her breath as if she’s going to say something. But then a drawn-out wail from the baby monitor has her turning her head. “Okay, little brother, it sounds like you’re getting a reprieve. But we’re going to get to the bottom of this, okay?”
“Sure thing, Sage,” I agree, and continue my walk back to the house.
Sam and I are staying in a little room in the converted attic, and as I climb the narrow stairs to the third floor, my heart is pounding.
I’m not sure quite what to expect. My palms have been sweaty all day, and my legs are shaking.
But this whole thing was my idea, and I can’t deny how much I want it — how much I want Sam.
I pause on the landing and knock gently on the door. “Hey, it’s me.”
“Come on in,” Sam replies softly.
He’s sitting up against the headboard, his bare legs stretched out along the cheerful handmade quilt.
His hair is still a little damp from the shower, effortlessly tousled and pushed back from his forehead.
And he’s wearing my checkered button-down shirt, completely open in the front, nothing underneath it but a pair of black briefs.
Fuck, I’m in love with him. I’ve been dancing around it in my head all week, these out of control feelings that make every one of my past relationships feel like child’s play.
But there’s no denying it now. Twenty years of history are hitting me like a bolt of lightning in a single moment.
I love his knobbly knees, the bruises on his shins.
I love his narrow shoulders. I love the way his finger stops halfway to his mouth as he locks eyes on me, a thousand emotions flitting across his face.
And I’m rooted to the spot, my feet nailed to the floor, because I realize that what I want is to make love to him, and I have no idea how to make love to anyone, let alone Sam.
“Sammy —”
“I hope this is okay.” He’s nervous, pulling his knees up towards his chest and picking at his fingernails. And it’s the need to reassure him that gets me moving, crossing the room to perch carefully on the edge of the bed. “I wasn’t sure what you would like —”
“I like you.” I reach out, stilling his hands with one of mine, and Sam gives me a shy smile. I can be brave if it makes him look at me like that. “Only I was thinking, the last two times I wore that shirt, I didn’t get to kiss you —”
Sam bites his lip, his eyes dancing. “Maybe you should come over here and see if the third time’s the charm —”
“Best idea you’ve had all day —”
I crawl onto the bed, hovering over Sam as I push his knees apart, making room for me to settle between them.
His eyes are sliding to my mouth, lashes fluttering as his lids grow heavy.
And as my lips cover his, he melts into me, his arms twining around my neck, pulling me down on top of him with a groan of contentment.
I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, but at least I can do this.
Sam plucks at my T-shirt, and I raise my arms to let him tug it over my head.
When I’m free, I push my checkered shirt off his shoulders and toss it to the side.
But then I sink into his arms, and when my bare chest touches his, I take a deep, shuddering breath, pressing our foreheads together.
“We’re really doing this, huh?” I whisper.
“Looks that way —” Sam breathes.