Day 20 Albany, NY
MAX
“HEY, I’LL WAIT IN THE CAR for you, okay?”
Sam has just finished saying goodbye to Sage, and now he’s squeezing my forearm, his hazel eyes searching my face as he walks by. Leave it to Sam to know that I need a moment alone with my sister.
She’s standing on the porch with baby Leo in her arms, and her eyes are already welling up. Fuck, this isn’t going to be easy.
I reach for Leo first. “Can I hold him?”
“Of course!”
Sage passes him over, and I bury my nose in his fine curls. “Don’t forget about me, okay? And take care of your mama.”
Leo smacks me in the face and says Mack, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna cry.
When I’m ready to hand him back, Paul takes him into the house, and it’s just me and Sage. She holds out her arms, and I step into them, pulling her up on tiptoes as I hold her tight.
“Thank you for everything —” I whisper, and I know I don’t have to explain.
“Of course,” she murmurs back. Then she steps back just enough to be able to see me, taking both of my hands. “Promise me you’ll tell Sam how you feel, okay? I think he needs to hear it.”
“I will, but uh —” I glance behind me at the van. “I think I’m gonna wait until we get home. Tour is almost over and everybody’s exhausted. I want to make sure it’s special for him.”
“All right, as long as it’s soon.” Sage pauses, her brown eyes flicking over my face. “He’s a lucky guy. You both are.”
“I like to think so.”
I could stand here all day, dragging things out with Sage minute by minute.
But I know the others are waiting in the car, and it’s three hours to Albany.
So I sweep Sage up into one more hug, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat, refusing to look at her face.
And then I’m off the porch, striding across the front yard to the van, where Sam has the sliding door open for me.
“Something upbeat for once, okay Blake?” I ask as I climb into my seat. “Let’s get out of here.”
Blake obliges by sliding a Less Than Jake album into the stereo, and Roxie huffs but doesn’t object. As for Sam, he doesn’t say anything at all. But he reaches out and he takes my hand, gently winding our fingers together, and it’s a comfort to know that he sees me.
ROXIE
Another fucking stop along the highway. Another fucking fast food restaurant. Another fucking stretch of road, curled up in the passenger seat of a van that smells like feet and dirty laundry. Another fucking night to come, no privacy on a basement floor.
This was supposed to be fun, right?
I sit in my hard plastic chair, staring out the window at the cars pulling up to the gas station across the way. At least this drive has been mostly sort of pretty, winding through the farms and forests of Vermont before crossing over to the New York Thruway. I guess it could be worse.
I don’t know where Max and Sam are, but Blake is crossing the restaurant, carrying his lunch on a plastic tray. As he sits down opposite me, he chuckles. “Why are you staring at that hamburger like it just told a racist joke?”
“It probably did,” I mutter, picking at the sesame seeds on the bun.
“I just — I can’t eat another fucking French fry.
I don’t want any more fried food. I just want to be home, sitting on the couch in my pajamas, eating fucking rice and beans that I made in my own fucking kitchen. That’s what I fucking want.”
Blake gives me a sympathetic look, then reaches into his bag. “Well, I can’t help you with that particular wish, but I can give you something other than French fries. Sage slipped me these right before we left this morning.”
It’s a carton of fresh strawberries from the farm, bright red and bursting with juice. I blink hard, looking up into Blake’s face. “Dude.”
He picks up one of the berries, leaning across the table to offer it to me, and I close my eyes as I bite into it. Pure fucking heaven.
“Three more nights, and then we head home,” Blake reminds me gently. “And your sister already said that she’s going to make a nice dinner for us when we stay with her in Philly. We’ll have you on the couch in your pajamas in no time.”
I reach for his hand, pressing our palms together and studying the way they fit. It’s kind of funny how much longer his fingers are than mine, like I have a little doll hand or something.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I whisper.
Blake smiles. “Good thing you have me, then.”
SAM
I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my life.
I’m lying on a bench outside the back door of the VFW hall where we’re playing tonight, the last streaks of the setting sun painting the sky in orange and gold.
I know I’m going to have to head back in soon for soundcheck, but there’s a fresh breeze out here, cooling my overheated skin.
I close my eyes, folding my arms over my face.
There’s a mourning dove cooing in a tree somewhere over my head, the distant rush of cars passing by on the highway, the burble of voices on the other side of the building.
And a single set of footsteps, scuffing along the pavement in my direction.
“Dude, you are totally out of it.”
I open my eyes to find Max standing over me, his trademark grin splitting his face. “Oh, hey —”
“Sit up for a sec,” Max commands.
I do as he says, and he slides in behind me, taking me by the shoulders and easing me back down against his chest. I sigh, nestling into him, and he kisses the top of my head. “What’s eating you?”
Oh, I don’t know, just the fact that I can’t fall asleep next to you because I can’t stop worrying about what’s going to happen with us, so I can’t keep my eyes open right now. But I can’t say that.
Instead, I shrug. “Nothing, really. I’m just tired.”
“Poor Sammy.” Max lifts a hand and begins to comb through my hair, tugging gently at the roots, massaging my scalp with his fingertips as he goes.
I’m going to have to put more product in my hair when I go inside to make sure it’s still tousled the way I like it.
But I can’t find it in me to object, partly because it feels so good and partly because I can barely remember how my mouth works.
“You’re gonna put me to sleep if you keep doing that,” I finally manage to mumble, my eyelids fluttering.
“Exactly what I’m trying to do, dude,” Max retorts.
“But soundcheck —”
“We have twenty minutes, and you’re dead on your feet. Don’t worry, I’ll watch the clock.”
“Mmm, okay.” At least I think that’s what I reply. It’s hard to tell as I plunge directly into darkness, the beat of Max’s heart lulling me into dreams.
BLAKE
This folk punk band is excellent, but I’m having a hard time paying attention.
We’ve been on the road for twenty days with three to go, and Roxie and the boys have played a show almost every day.
There’s usually at least one other band on the schedule for the night, sometimes two or three — so that means we’ve heard thirty other bands?
More than that? I’ll have to make a list when we get home.
And I don’t mind at all. I come along on tour because this is the kind of music that I enjoy, and because it means that I get to travel with Roxie and support her dreams. I get to talk to interesting people every night, and I’ve caught up with so many old friends.
Merch sales have been good too — we’ll have to make more of pretty much everything we brought with us when we get home.
But even good things have to come to an end.
I stretch my arms over my head, trying to stay alert, because I still have a job to do. And as I settle into my chair again, Roxie appears out of the crowd at my elbow.
“Oh hey, sweetie,” I greet her. “What —”
But Roxie is climbing into my lap, wordlessly snuggling against me, tucking her head beneath my chin and clasping her arms to her chest. And I can tell when I’m needed, so I wrap my arms around her, resting my cheek on her fuzzy head.
Her hair is starting to grow in a little after all this time on the road, and I wonder idly if she’s going to let it get a bit longer before she buzzes it this time.
Roxie sighs, and I hold her, the weight and warmth of her reminding me exactly where I am, keeping me grounded. And I don’t know whether she knew I needed this or whether she needed it herself, but I’m glad she’s here.
Finally, she lifts her head, smoothing her thumb along my cheek. “Love you, babe —” she whispers.
“Love you too, Roxie.”