42. Don’t you know, I was always going to fuck it up
CHAPTER 42
DON’T YOU KNOW, I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO FUCK IT UP
CHARLIE
T rouble’s never had to look too far to find me. By now, we’re old friends.
First girl I ever kissed caught me writing her name in the back of a book. Next thing I know, kids are calling me Charlene, asking aloud if I needed a tampon. Fucking assholes. They were just angry because Charlene could still kick their asses.
Painting my nails before I broke Aaron’s nose made the moment that much sweeter.
When I was twenty, I fell hard for Bess. Stunning woman, a little older than me, knew what she wanted when she wanted it and didn’t want to mess around with the rest. I thought it was the perfect deal. Didn’t count on my heart wanting a piece of the action.
Bess shut things down fast. “Things aren’t ever going to be like that between us.” It was a blessing in disguise.
By the time I met Lucy, I thought I knew what I was doing. Figured being with someone I liked, but who didn’t drive me to distraction, was a good thing.
Reese called it settling, I called it survival.
And that’s what I’ve been doing. Surviving.
Until now.
I’m proud of her, over the fucking moon, that she stood up to Emmanuel like I knew she could. That role is hers. That much was clear when he spoke with me.
I’m well-practiced in the art of “you’re a good kid, but this isn’t the right place for you.”
And I’m happy for her.
But I know this part. It’s the awkward pause before the bad news. Where my heart goes into hiding, protecting itself against the inevitable.
Tonight started off the best it could, on Emma’s couch, a movie playing on the TV. I couldn’t tell you which one. I’m too wrapped up in her, how good she feels in my arms.
How perfectly she fits in my life.
Then Logan calls.
His name flashes on her phone like a neon sign, a glaring reminder that we still haven’t talked about what this is between us. Am I still simply a stand-in, a placeholder? A temporary distraction used to fill in the time?
Emma sends the call to voicemail.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” I ask. “Could be important.”
Brows furrowed, she scrutinizes me. “There’s nothing he could be calling for that’s important.”
I’ve always hated the limbo of not knowing . If bad news is coming, I want that Band-Aid ripped right off. No waiting. No hesitation.
I twist to face her, my arm slipping from her shoulders. Immediately, I want to move back, but touching her will only make this more difficult. Already, my heart is packing its bags. Fortifying the doors and windows.
“What’s going on with you and him?” I have to know. Need to.
Her lips tug down in a confused frown. “Nothing is going on. I thought you knew that. He asked me out, and I told him?—”
“You’d think about it.” I remember.
Her frown melts into something so soft and fond it actually makes me ache. “Yes. I did think about it. And I don’t want to be with him.”
“Does he know that?” I wave at her phone, which is now showing a voicemail notification.
“Yes,” she says, her tone firm. “He does. I don’t know why he’s calling, Charlie, but I’m not interested.” She closes the gap, her fingers finding their way into my hair. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”
“And where’s that?”
Emma’s smile falters. “Here. With you.”
For how long? I want to ask, but I don’t think I can handle the answer.
“Not saying it’s not nice to have you here, but what happened to the arrangement? You said it yourself: I’m just a means to an end.”
Sometimes I think fighting’s all I’m good for.
“You know you’re more than that, Charlie.”
“Do I?”
Was I supposed to simply guess at what this was? When it started as bad blood and got tangled up with sex? She didn’t have a problem saying she hated me when she could get something out of me.
So how can I be sure of her feelings now?
“Okay, that’s fair. I should have made it more obvious. I’m sorry. I… I know I wasn’t kind to you in the beginning, and I regret that.”
“I told you back then—I knew what I was getting into.”
Everything soft in her hardens, her eyes, her jaw, her posture. “Good to know I’ve been a burden to you.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.” Heart thundering, I turn out of her grip.
“I kind of have to, Charlie. You keep talking around whatever you’re avoiding, so I’m stuck filling in the gaps and trying to make sense of it.” She places her hand over mine and squeezes. “You need to tell me what you want, because I can’t make heads or tails of it.”
My needs.
My needs are already taken care of. I have Reese, a roof over my head, a little money saved. It’s not much, but it’s more than I thought I’d get. The rest is nice, but if it went away tomorrow, I’d be okay.
I’d have to be.
“I want to trust that this isn’t just a whim,” I admit. “Can you really promise me that you won’t wake up and change your mind? Decide you don’t want to slum it anymore? That you really do want Logan?”
She straightens, voice hard. “You don’t get to tell me what I want.”
“You’re right. But if I’d known a couple of orgasms were going to make you catch feelings for me, I might not have said yes.”
She rears back like I’ve slapped her. Fuck. “You don’t mean that.”
My heart cracks right in half, but I ignore it. It’s only ever gotten me in trouble. “How do you know this isn’t just because of sex? I’m serious. You came to me, telling me you hated me but you wanted my help. Did my feelings even factor in back then?”
Her gaze drops away from mine.
I ball my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. “I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you, but?—”
“Then what are you saying?” she asks, her voice so thick with pain I have to steel myself against it by digging my fingers into the meat of my palm.
It isn’t the first time I wanted everything I can’t have. And Emma is the only thing I want. The last want I’ll ever have. But I can’t keep her. She’s too good, too pure to be dirtied up by a beat-up mess like me. Though that’s never stopped me from taking more than I deserved.
“I don’t want to lie to you. But it’s hard for me to trust this. I wish I had the luxury of blind optimism like you, but I don’t. I have to believe what’s here today is only temporary.”
“It’s only temporary because you’re pushing me away. Charlie, I’ve fallen in?—”
I put my hand up to stop her.
“One piece of advice? Don’t say that to someone who isn’t going to say it back.”
“Oh.” She goes unnaturally still. “Right. Good… good advice.”
I want to say it, more than anything, but I don’t trust that this is real yet. That it won’t disappear the moment those words leave my lips.
Though a lead weight sinks in my gut, I clear my throat and force out the next words. “It was never meant to be anything more than sex.”
“You’re right, it wasn’t, but then it became more.” She stands. “At least for me. But fine. Push me away because you’re scared of what we have. Just don’t pretend it’s for my benefit. I care about you, and I want to be together.”
Regardless of what she thinks, we were never going to get enough time. Because we were over before we began.
“Don’t worry,” I sneer, my heart crumbling. “You’ll go back to hating me soon enough.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.” She steps close, dragging her hands across my chest, shoulders, cupping my face.
My throat grows thick, twisted.
“You have the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, but you’ve walled yourself off. You’ve locked your feelings away and trapped yourself and call it protection. Nothing in, nothing out. You might be safe that way, but you’re miserable. I hate whoever made you feel like you don’t deserve happiness, Charlie, because you do. I can prove it to you if you give this a chance.”
“I know you think that?—”
“I know it,” she whispers. “Don’t you believe me?”
I want to. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this.
But life doesn’t become what we want it because we wish for it. “Nothing good in my life has ever lasted except for Reese. I know I’m being an asshole right now, but I haven’t had everything handed to me, all right? I’ve only ever had it ripped away. You’re asking me to, what? Just trust in this lasting forever because you said so? That’s not how the world works.”
“I’m asking you to be vulnerable with me. To give us a chance.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to do that.”
She’s nodding erratically, like she doesn’t know what to do. That makes two of us.
“So,” she says, her voice shaking in a way that shatters my soul. “This is it? We go back to hating each other?”
I press a palm to her damp cheek. “Sweetheart, I never hated you.”
Her eyes slip shut as I kiss her cheek.
My heart might be breaking in two, but I’m going to lock that shit up and not let her see. She doesn’t deserve me adding to her distress.
“Then why?”
Because I love you.
I can’t say it. It’s the last defense I have. Once I’ve said it, exposed my underbelly for her, there’s no going back.
I can see her perfect life taking shape—the job she earned, the man she loves, all the good things she deserves. It’s better without me there messing up the details, adding complications or whatever.
“Because it’s better for both of us.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. I love you,” she says, as beautifully defiant as ever.
My heart roars in my chest, desperate to return the words, but my throat closes up tight.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s the truth. It’s raw, and it’s real, and it’s not going anywhere.” She swallows audibly, her eyes glassy. “But it doesn’t matter, because you’ve already made your mind up about us.”
The pain on her face makes me want to punch myself.
“I’m not going to bend over backward to try and convince you,” she says. “I deserve better than that. I wish you believed in us as much as I do. And as for this being a whim? You’re wrong. It’s the furthest thing from it. If you need time to work that out for yourself, then I’ll give that to you. And when you’ve gotten your head out of your ass, you can find me and apologize.”
I swallow, locking down the twisted mess of pain squeezing my chest. Becoming the cold, unfeeling villain I used to accuse her of. This is the worst version of myself.
“You’re right,” I admit. “You deserve better than me.”
Emma puts distance between us, the drawbridge rising. “Despite what you think,” she says, a hard edge to her voice, “I don’t fall in love with every man lucky enough to sleep with me. I don’t want you to misunderstand me, so I’ll say this clearly. I love you, not Logan. And you’re wrong. You know how to love, but you won’t let yourself.” She’s flushed and gorgeous. Completely out of my reach. “When you’re ready to stop standing in your own way, you know where I am. And Charlie?”
I meet her gaze, pulse thudding in my ears.
“You better make it good.”
I don’t want to leave, but it’ll hurt a thousand times worse if I hang on. If my heart is gonna be ripped from my chest, I’d rather be the one to do it. I can’t do that to either of us. I don’t have it in me to hate her.
So I walk away.
Because Emma should be happy.
Even if it leaves my world darker.
This is what’s best for her. If I don’t cut this off—cleave it at the root—neither of us will be free.
It’s a good thing I’m an asshole. Let her hate me for this. At least she won’t be holding on. The least I can do is give her a clean break. No regrets. At least for one of us.