Chapter 20 #2
What I didn’t realize is that a teacher staying late that night had seen this all play out from her classroom window and called the police, worried about my safety.
“I wasn’t old enough to drive, or even have my permit yet. We were almost home when I got pulled over, and the moment the officer walked up to my window, I knew I was fucked. She was passed out in the passenger seat, reeking of liquor, and when she was arrested, the cop found drugs on her.”
Walker curses under his breath.
“I was put into foster care after that. And after two other temporary homes, I was moved to Pittsburgh with Patrick and Gina.”
“Fuck, man. I’m sorry. You were just a kid.” His eyes shine with tears I don’t want him to shed for me. It’s not his pain to carry. “Did you ever see her again after that?”
“I saw her grave a few years ago.” My words are cold, flat. As dead as she is. “During the hiatus, I went back to Pittsburgh and saw it.”
I didn’t go to her funeral. Wasn’t even informed until a few weeks after she passed that she had overdosed. An aunt that I had never even met before tracked down my address somehow and sent a note.
I didn’t cry then and have never cried since. I refuse to ever shed a single tear over that woman.
“She never came looking for me,” I tell Walker. “I guess she got out of prison eighteen months later, and she never bothered to come and find me again.” She could’ve. I was still young enough to be in the system.
And even if I wasn’t, I was still her child.
But she never came.
He takes a long drink and slams his mug down with enough force I’m surprised the cup doesn’t crack. “That’s not a mother.”
“It’s not,” I agree and try to downplay it to quell his anger on my behalf.
That’s not why I’m telling him this. I don’t want his anger; I want his understanding.
“And trust me, I fucking hate her for it. For choosing a high over me. But if it never would’ve all happened that way, I never would’ve moved to that school and met you and the guys.
Whisper Me Nothings would have never existed, and who knows, I might’ve ended up down the same path as her. ”
“You wouldn’t have.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “You sound very certain of that.”
“I am.” His green eyes are twin flames as he stares me down, compassion weaved into the lines of his face. “You would’ve never allowed yourself to be like her.”
I don’t think I would’ve either, but who knows.
“When I first met Scar, I liked her. I did, and maybe it didn’t seem like it because I was so angry at you when I thought you were stepping out on the band during the break and abandoning us—” Abandoning me.
“But I liked her. She’s talented, and beautiful, and I could see why you started falling for her. ”
He’s gone completely still at his girlfriend’s name, but I need to make him understand.
“But when I found out that she was an alcoholic…” My voice cracks. “I didn’t see her anymore. All I saw was my mother.”
Walker looks down at our feet, shaking his head.
“And all I saw when I watched you falling in love with her was myself. And I thought that maybe if I could stop things before they were too late, that I could save you some of that hurt that I felt. Of being second choice to someone’s addiction.
And I know it’s not fair. She’s not my mother and she’s sober, I know that.
I know that now, but in that moment…I was just trying to protect you. ”
When I started digging into Scar online and learned about her past arrest and rehab, I had hoped that it wasn’t true. For her sake, for my brother’s. But as her fame was rising from the exposure of being on tour with us as our opening act, I knew something like that wouldn’t stay buried for long.
“It’s fucked up. I’ll be the first to admit that,” I say, raising a hand in front of me.
“But when I leaked those additional stories to the press, I wasn’t thinking about her and how it would affect her.
I was just thinking about how she kept that shit from you.
How easily my mom was able to keep her addiction from people around that could’ve helped me earlier.
So I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s why I did it. ”
Walker finishes off the rest of his drink before reaching behind the bar this time to pour us both another. He doesn’t speak the entire time and it sets my teeth on edge. If he needs to yell, then I want him to. If he needs to hit me, then I’ll take the blows.
Just something. Anything.
“You should’ve talked to me about it,” he finally says, voice so lethally low it’s barely heard over the music. “That should’ve been your first instinct. To fucking talk to me about it.”
“I know. But I was still so angry with you, with all the guys, that I couldn’t see logic through the haze of it.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“It’s not. And I’m not trying to make them.” I just want him to see.
See me, and not my mistakes.
I lean forward to catch his eye once more. “I’m truly sorry. If I could go back and take it back, I would.”
His jaw ticks. “You’re always the one who never has regrets.”
“Not usually.” I take a long swig and relish the burn. “But I do when it comes to this.”
Penny hovers nearby, obviously trying to check in on me, and I give her a small smile. She returns it, glances at Walker, and heads back to the other end to continue polishing glasses.
“I’d like to apologize to Scar as well,” I say. “I know it’s been a long time coming, and hopefully she’ll hear me out.” Hell, in another life, I think Scar and I could’ve been friends. We both don’t trust too easily and are blunt to the point of making others uncomfortable.
Walker swallows thickly and runs a hand across his jaw. “Thank you for saying that, and for sharing this all with me. It means a lot, and I’d like for you two to talk. Just, uh, right now isn’t the best time.”
The heavy air around him is thick in my lungs. “Is everything alright, man?”
He takes a deep breath and another sip before he says words I’d never thought I would hear come out of his mouth.
“I think I know what you were talking about. The anger,” he clarifies.
“That you had toward your mother. I think I understand why you were so hurt. And why that made you hate her.” His voice cracks at the end and my heart splits in two at his words.
Trying to fully process what he’s saying before responding, he adds on, “Please, just don’t tell me I told you so.” When he looks up at me, tears are gathered at the corner of his eyes, and I know I would never, ever tell him that.
There is not an ounce of satisfaction at seeing him like that.
“What happened?”
“We’re working through it. But…” He trails off, running his hand across his stubbled jaw.
He does a quick scan of the bar, making sure there’s no one close enough to overhear.
“I’m not really ready to talk about what happened but, uh, she relapsed—” He chokes on the words and washes them down with another drink.
Fucking hell. My stomach drops to the floor.
“I—I, fuck dude, I don’t know what to say.”
He hangs his head and hunches over the bar.
“You don’t have to say anything. It’s her business and we’re working through it, but…
I just want to let you know that I get that anger.
And while I will never agree with what you did to her because she’s the love of my fucking life, I now see what you were trying to protect me from. The ache of it all.”
My chest cleaves in two. “I never wanted to be right, Walker. I really didn’t.
” I judged Scar right off the bat because all I saw was my mother, and it wasn’t fair to her.
Still isn’t. And as I sit here trying to support Walker, I’m actively working to separate her from my mother again in my head.
“And I know you don’t want to talk about it, but if you ever do, I’m here for you. Always have been, always will be.”
We sit in silence for a while, listening to the music ring through the bar and sipping our whiskey. It coats my throat, settling heavy and warm in my gut.
After what feels like an eternity, I ask, “Where do we go from here?” I don’t hide the vulnerability from my tone.
I’m done hiding from him, from Penny, from the rest of my friends.
It doesn’t feel good to revisit the past, but it does feel good to sit here with Walker and have him know all the ugly parts of me.
And hopefully, despite it all, he’ll want to be back in each other’s lives again.
“I don’t know,” he sighs. “What do you think?”
“Well, I’d like to be friends again. If you forgive me.”
He bites the inside of his cheek and scans the bottles behind the bar.
“I want to move past it. I’m sick of having this animosity in the back of my head and the unresolved issues between the four of us, even if we’re not a band anymore.
But I can’t say that trust is just going to be rebuilt overnight. ”
I nod, having expected that.
“And I got a lot of shit going on with Scar right now that’s taking all my mental energy. But I just…I just need my friend back right now.”
I clamp a heavy hand on his shoulder and squeeze. He stiffens at the initial contact but relaxes a moment later. “I’ll follow your lead.”
He smiles at me, the first time he’s done so in years, and although things are far from being normal between us, this feels like a bit of light at the end of a long, long tunnel of turmoil.
“I can’t be gone for long!” Penny protests as I lead her by the hand outside and into the alley. Walker left a few minutes ago and I’ve been waiting for her to get a break. “What are you—”
I cut off her words by slamming my mouth to hers. She’s startled for a moment but as my tongue traces the seam of her lips, she relaxes into the kiss. Her fingers dig into my shirt, and I blindly back her up until she’s flush to the brick wall. I cage her in, never letting her go.
After everything that I just spewed out, all the ugliness of my life and my choices, I need this moment with her.
My hands find her hips, pulling them flush with my own and relishing in the heat of her body that feeds into mine. It’s not a calm kiss, not a sweet one like the one the other night on the beach.
This is frantic. Frenetic. Charged with the emotions of the day and the need to make her understand that I need her, even if I don’t know how to say it. I’m telling her the way I know how right now.
We break apart, chests heaving, breaths mingling.
“Thank you,” I rasp against her lips.
“For what?” Her fingers brush my hair back and trace soft lines across my forehead.
“For just being there. You anchored me today, whether you realized it or not. I was about to run, but you, seeing you there…you’re what I didn’t know I needed.”
Her eyes shine, and using her grip on my hair, she closes the distance between our lips once more. I melt into her touch, her moans, her smell.
She tastes just like the feeling I’ve been chasing my whole life.