Chapter 33
Reid
The sun is barely cresting over the horizon when I tiptoe downstairs into the kitchen and find Walker sitting at the small round table with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. His leg bounces, rattling the spoon resting next to it.
Sensing my presence, he cocks his head to the side. His black hair is mussed from sleep and heavy bags sit under his eyes.
“Morning,” I murmur.
“Morning. There’s coffee in the pot if you want it.”
I walk to the fridge. “Thanks, but I’m gonna head out on a hike. I’ll have some when I get back.” I grab a bottle of water instead.
Walker straightens. “You going now?”
My steps pause. “Yeah.”
“Could I—mind if I join?”
His question takes me aback for a moment, and the hesitant look in his eye shows me he’s prepared for me to shut him down.
“Sure, yeah. I’ll wait if you wanna go change.”
He’s up in an instant, dumping the last of his coffee in the sink. “Alright, I’ll meet you out front.” As he passes me, he shoots me a stiff smile.
I return it, then go out to wait for him. The air is cool but with enough promise of heat to follow as the sun rises. It’s quiet out here. Peaceful. So unlike the city, even living removed from the hustle and bustle.
I inhale deeply, closing my eyes with my head tilted back, allowing the fresh air to help wake me up since I didn’t sleep great last night. I’ve grown so used to having Aspen snuggled into my side that the bed felt empty.
Walker emerges from the front door in black athletic shorts and a cut-off kelly-green T-shirt. He’s got a hat on like me, but his is positioned to cover his face.
“Here.” I hand him an extra water bottle. “Grabbed this for you.”
He takes it with a nod of thanks. “Did you have a trail picked out already?”
I pull up one I found on my phone to show him, and we take off. The mountains in the distance begin to glow as the sun slowly rises. It bathes the landscape in rays of golden yellow, illuminating the Joshua trees from behind.
We walk in silence for a while, both still waking up. The path is a mix of gravel, sand, and dirt. The wind whips up a bit of dust as we walk, but not enough to make it an issue.
“Should we have woken the other two?” he asks with a glance back toward the house. It’s a small dot in the distance now.
“If it was a few hours later, I’m sure Nik would’ve wanted to join. But no way in hell I was gonna try to rouse him this early.”
Walker huffs. “Fair point. Hayden doesn’t sleep in these days traveling with Carter, so better to let him do that.”
“Why were you up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep. You?”
Even though his shoulders hang with exhaustion, he answers, “Same.”
The trail inclines for a stretch, so our conversation ceases while we make our way uphill. The view only grows more beautiful the higher up we get. Our breathing growing labored.
When we reach a bit of a plateau, I pause. “Take a quick break?”
Walker nods, sweat dotting his forehead. Now that the sun is completely uncovered, the nice, cool air has turned to a warm breeze. We uncap our waters, tempted to chug the refreshing reprieve. But according to the map on my phone, we still have a lot of trail left.
“I’m surprised you’re winded,” Walker says, his own chest heaving.
I take another small sip. “I haven’t been working out as much lately.”
“Ah. Been distracted, huh?”
“You could say that.” I’ve barely been to my gym. Instead if I have the time to workout, I’ve just been using the equipment in my basement.
Walker looks out at the overpass and the desert below. “I remember what that was like. So wrapped up in each other that you abandon your usual routine for the sake of more time together.” His eyes, while partially hidden by the brim of his hat, are forlorn.
I didn’t ask yesterday in front of everyone, even though I’m sure Nikolai and Hayden are clued in on what’s going on with him, but it’s just us now. “How have things been going? How’s Scar doing?”
He draws in a rattling breath, the plastic bottle crunching in his hand. “We’re getting through it.”
I kick a few loose rocks, giving him space to say more if he wants. His gaze doesn’t leave the view beyond.
“She’s been getting help, doing a program.” He swallows thickly. “It’s been helping her. She’s doing okay.”
I take a step closer, both of us near the edge. There’s nothing but rocks below the drop off. Looking over at him, I ask, “How are you doing?”
His forearms flex, veins popping beneath his tattoos. His jaw is stiff, words spoken through clenched teeth. “I’m angry.”
It’s a gut punch, and one I never wanted for him.
“She’s getting better, and I’m so fucking proud of her. I love her more than anything but…” He grabs the brim of his hat and adjusts it. “I’m just still angry that she chose it over relying on me.”
We didn’t hug that day in the bar. Didn’t feel right. Too soon. Things too raw.
But looking out at the nature around us, brimming with life and beauty, I can’t help but pull him into my side. He’s stiff, feet rooted in place at first. But finally, he relents and loops his own arm up on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, man. It’s not easy and I wish you didn’t know that pain.”
“It’s worth it for her. But—it’s just hard right now.”
I squeeze his shoulder, trying to give him support in the way I can. “I’m here for you however you need it.”
He looks over at me, tears glistening in his eyes, but he blinks them back. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. It’s what friends do for each other.”
We stand like that for a while longer, taking in the view around us.
But as the sun gets higher, the desert heat comes out in full swing.
We go a little further along the trail until we hit another incline.
Both winded, all it takes is one shared look before we turn around and head back the way we came.
It makes us laugh, chickening out on the rest of the hike, but we’re in it together.
We walk back side by side, not talking, but instead enjoying the comfortable silence of each other and the sounds of the world waking up around us.
Each small step, all in the right direction.
Nikolai and Hayden are both up when we get back, and everyone does their own thing the rest of the morning: showering, meditating, spending time outside.
We come back together for lunch as a group, and the understanding amongst everyone that now is the time is palpable.
We’ve all gotten some time to ourselves, we’ve dusted off all the surface level conversations we can, and it’s time for the real shit.
The back of my neck burns in anticipation.
We gather outside on the porch, chairs circled around the unlit firepit. There’s not a single cloud in the endless stretch of blue sky. Thankfully, there’s a retractable shade that we pop out to help keep the direct sun from beating down on us.
A cooler stocked with beers sits between Walker and Hayden.
Something to take the edge off for everyone.
I shift in the wooden chair, drink clutched in hand.
Even though this morning felt like a breakthrough with Walker, there’s still an air of uneasiness between us as we sit across from each other.
Hopefully when we get up from this firepit, that’ll be dust in the wind.
Nikolai throws an ankle over his other leg, leaning back.
While his body portrays a look of relaxation, there’s tension in the corners of his eyes.
He takes stock of everyone. “Everyone’s stomach full?
Bathroom breaks done for a while?” He tries to lighten the mood and earns a couple grins.
“Good. So far, it’s just felt like a little vacation out here, with less sex obviously.
” Walker grimaces, earning a remorseful look from Nikolai.
“But we didn’t come out here to relax. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not happy with the way things are between us. I don’t think any of us are. Right?”
The three of us nod.
“Alright then. No more secrets, no more hidden grudges, no more burying the problem until it explodes. Clean slate starts now, okay?” Nikolai scans the circle. “Anyone have anything they want to get off their chest to start?”
The whisper of the breeze is the only sound. Walker picks at the label of his beer bottle, Hayden traces the ink of the tattoo on the back of his hand, and Nikolai watches me.
Am I supposed to be the one to start this shit? I’m self-aware enough to know that I don’t have the most tact.
But fuck it. Clean slate? Then it’s gonna hurt to get there.
I look to my left and point-blank ask Hayden, “Am I getting invited to your wedding or not?”
He immediately stops rocking in his chair, face frozen. “Uh, I mean, I don’t fucking know, man.”
The sharp stab that delivered must show because he adds, “It hurts me, too, you know. I always thought it would be the three of you up there with me on that day. The three of you by my side through it all. That it would always be the four of us. But you ruined that.”
“We all played our part,” Nikolai adds quietly.
“Some more than others,” Hayden spits. He narrows his brown eyes on me. “You told me I was a weak link in the band. That I had regressed while we were on break. Implied that I used the time off, needed after seeing people die, for a vacation, rather than furthering my songwriting abilities.”
Well, so much for everyone sitting around quietly, waiting to begin. Gloves are officially off.
“I never said you were the weak link.”
“But you thought it, didn’t you?”
I clamp my lips shut. Hayden sits back with a satisfied smile. “Exactly. I knew it. You think I couldn’t feel that when we were in the studio trying to make that last album? Every idea I pitched, you shot down.”
“We didn’t have a clear vision of what that album was supposed to be,” Walker chimes in. “Everyone’s ideas were all over the place. It wasn’t just yours. Some of mine sucked too.”