Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Mia
When Dr. March told Rylee’s mom and dad that she’d be able to go home for Christmas, they both cried with happiness. It didn’t even dim their reaction when she added, “We’d like you to come back to the clinic on the twenty-sixth for the next chemo dose.”
“As long as we can get her home for Christmas, it’s a deal,” Ryan, the twins’ dad, said.
“We made you something,” Reagan said to me and Dr. March as she rummaged in her pink backpack. I was thinking that whatever it was probably involved glitter, the girls’ favorite among many craft supplies. That spoke to me because Gracie had loved glitter. I found myself smiling because I couldn’t recall many art projects she’d failed to add it to for that extra sparkle.
“Merry Christmas,” Rylee said as Reagan proudly produced a green construction-paper card for Dr. March and a red one for me.
Mine was embellished with markers, glitter, and plentiful snowflake stickers. It said, Merry Christmas, Dr. Mia. The snowflakes were surrounded by hearts galore.
I was thrilled. Dr. March and I oohed and aahed over the colors, squigglies, and the artistic use of glitter, half of which fell into my lap and drifted like fairy dust onto the floor. After we were done admiring our cards, I hugged both girls. “Thank you both so much. I’m going to take this home and show it to my mom.”
My heart was filled with cautious hope for this family. I truly wished them all the best.
The girls’ mom, Becca, pulled out her phone. “Would you each take a photo with the girls?”
“Sure. Of course.” Becca took one with all of us, then one of the twins with Dr. March, and one with me. When it was my turn, I walked behind the bed and sandwiched myself between the two girls, curving my arms around their shoulders. I couldn’t help noticing that Rylee was so frail and light compared to Reagan. As we held up the glittery card and posed, I said, “Everybody say ‘Grinch!’” which got me a giggle.
“Okay, you two,” I said, “I expect more glittery artwork from you when I see you in clinic, okay?” I pulled something out of my pocket and placed it on the bed between them.
“Glitter pens.” Rylee’s eyes brightened.
“Thanks, Dr. Mia,” Reagan said, already reaching for them.
“Will you still be my doctor after I leave?” Rylee asked in a quiet voice.
I hesitated. A sudden sadness overcame me that I’d soon be moving on to my next rotation. “I won’t be here on the ward again for a while, but I’m always somewhere around the clinic. I’ll be sure to pop in and say hi.”
Dr. March looked up from her laptop, where she was making notes. “Dr. Mia will definitely see you with me in heme-onc clinic on the twenty-sixth, right, Mia?”
“Oh, that’s right.” It would be straight back to work right after the holiday for me. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Thank you for all you’ve done for us, Dr. D’Angelo,” Becca said.
“I love your girls,” I said sincerely. “I’ll be sure to keep in touch.”
“We would all love it,” Ryan said.
“Merry Christmas,” I said, waving to the girls as I followed Dr. March out. “And thank you for the cute card.”
Dr. March got a page and gave me a quick wave as she stopped in the hall to answer it. I was walking toward the nurses’ station, dealing with the mix of emotions rolling through me—hope, happiness, fear, sadness from having to move on, guilt over my fake boyfriend problem, not to mention confusion over my career choice—had I made a mistake not going into heme-onc?—when I noticed that Drake Shelton was sitting there with his big feet up on the counter.
As soon as he spotted me, he put down his big feet, stood up, and scrambled to intercept me. I couldn’t help but notice that Brax stood close by, checking his phone. He glanced up briefly as I approached, a concerned expression on his face. From Rylee’s test result, or something else?
“There you are. You look ah- maz -ing today,” Drake said as I reached the desk. “Must be that precall glow.”
Brax rolled his eyes, which irritated me even though I wanted to do exactly the same thing. For one thing, I he was wrong—I wasn’t on call tonight.
Also, I was anything but glowing after seeing those two little girls. Geesh. I loved my job, but sometimes I wished I could flee somewhere far, far away from reality. The same magnet that tugged me toward the Hunters, that made me understand exactly what they were going through, was the very same thing that made me want to escape somewhere where there wasn’t any pain. I wasn’t sure how to explain the terrifying push-pull that I always seemed to feel on this ward.
I turned my attention to Brax, who was now cutting into a piece of fruitcake, which I happened to know he hated. Ugh, did anyone really like it? And didn’t he have patients to take care of? He was such an enigma. He’d really wanted me to know about Rylee’s labs. But now he was hovering nearby, not seeming to be doing any work. My guess was that Drake had told him he was waiting for me, and Brax was hanging around to find out what for. But if he thought he was going to eavesdrop, he was wrong. Brax didn’t get to weigh in on my personal life. He’d signed off on that for good the moment he broke up with me.
I summoned my courage. I could do this. I needed help for one long weekend. Seventy-two total hours. Who knows, maybe during that time, I’d uncover a hidden sensitive side to Drake. He was a peds surgery resident, after all. That meant that he had to like little kids, right? Even though Brax believed he’d just gone into surgery because his dad was the department chief.
I’d have to lay down the rules. Be nice to my mom. Help clear the table. And absolutely no sex.
Eww . Every muscle in my body tensed. It was all I could do not to walk away from Drake, but a little voice inside me whispered one word, loud and clear: Desperate.
Which indeed I was.
While Gabe and Brax could possibly be taken for brothers, Drake, with his wheat-blond hair, beefy form, and rather thick neck, looked nothing like Brax. My mother, who was capable of naming the exact country from which every one of the fifty Santas in her Santas-from-around-the-world collection hailed based on the details of his outfit, would not be fooled. And while Gabe would do anything for me, including allow himself to be called Brax for a weekend, I really couldn’t imagine Drake doing the same.
Maybe I should do what Gabe had suggested and just tell my parents the truth. But then I suddenly imagined my mother’s face. Worried about me, as always. But mostly disappointed—so disappointed that I’d been lying for months. She’d been so excited and happy for me after all we’d been through—her cancer and these lonely years where I’d dated dud after disheartening dud.
The truth might set her back. No, she was too strong for that. But it would surely upset her.
I hadn’t gotten to this point in my life because of indecision. But first things first. “Brax, don’t you have something you need to do?”
He held up a plastic knife, poised to cut another piece of the awful cake. “Just getting a snack.” He innocently sawed off a few chunks and placed them on a napkin.
Oh, eff it. I didn’t care whether he heard or not. I took a big breath and plunged in. “Drake, I—need to ask you a favor.”
“Anyone want some?” Brax held up the napkin.
I tossed him a glare. Drake reached up, took a piece, and popped it into his mouth, something that made me question my judgment even more.
“What kind of favor?” Drake asked. His gaze raked me up and down. Then he broke into a suggestive smile. “Anything for you, gorgeous.”
Gag. Every feminist cell of my feminist body cringed. “Okay, it’s a weird favor,” I began. “It involves…”
I suddenly felt a hand at my elbow. “Hey, Drake, Mia will be right back.” Brax set the entire fruitcake box in front of Drake as he whisked me off down the hall. As soon as we were out of earshot, he added under his breath, “Nothing.”
“What?” I asked, balling my hands into fists.
He pushed a hand through his thick, gorgeous hair. If I did that, it would scare people. And why did I even notice that detail in the midst of being furious? “You heard me,” he said in a slightly agitated voice. “It involves nothing .” He waved his hand in front of my face, as if he were about to magically pull a bunny out of thin air. “You’re not asking him anything.”
“What the hell , Brax?” I pulled my arm back and mock dusted it off where he’d held it. As if I could dust off the attraction that flowed so strongly through me. We ended up at the end of the hall, glaring at each other, in front of a mosaic mural of children happily playing in the midst of a wild, colorful garden, one of my favorite pieces in the hospital. Did you know that children’s hospitals had amazing art like, everywhere? “What did Gabe tell you?” Whatever it was, I could handle my own life. I’d been handling it for as long as I could remember, and not doing too terrible a job.
He crossed his arms. “Surely you aren’t that desperate.”
Oh, the arrogance. “I’m not asking him for a date.” I didn’t need to defend myself. “But even if I were, it’s none of your business.”
“Tell me you weren’t about to ask him to go home with you.”
That did it. I was going to kill Gabe. Right after I told Brax to cut the protective big-brother act. Fury coursed through me. Brax had passed on the opportunity to be a real friend. He’d rejected me romantically and then pretended every day that we’d only ever been friends. And somehow, I’d gone along with this.
“He’s a tiger. A panther.” He paced the stark white linoleum floor. “He’s…whatever animal he is, he’s on the prowl. And you know it.”
I didn’t understand his concern. It was pity-concern. It had to be.
“I can handle him,” I whisper-shouted back. “You—you don’t get to weigh in. I already have two big brothers. I don’t need a third.” What I really wanted to say was Why do you even care?
I hated him for caring. Because it made me fall for him even more. Just when I’d finally stopped asking myself what on earth had happened between us.
He snorted. “He’s not going home with you.”
“Excuse me?” I fisted my hands at my sides. We were all but duking it out in the hallway, a phlebotomist and a pharmacist quickly passing by and shooting us strange looks.
I tipped my head toward the nurses’ station. “I’ve got to go, before he leaves.”
Brax’s gaze drilled into me. “He’ll—take advantage.”
I threw up my hands. “Okay, knight in shining armor, last I checked, I was an adult, capable of saying no.”
“I’m thinking of your family. Your hospitality. At least take someone who cares about something other than his stomach.”
“I’m a little short on those kinds of someones right now.” I walked away, back to the nurses’ station. Brax made me furious and something even worse at the same time—he made me hope that the reason he was so angry—dare I say jealous —had nothing to do with Drake and everything to do with us .
But that foolish hope was dashed when he said…nothing.
And I still had no one to bring home to meet my mom. My beeper was going off, I had two admissions waiting to come up from the ER, and Drake was waiting for me. Just then, Dr. March intercepted me. I was beginning to think that the universe was determined to keep Drake from coming home with me for Christmas.
“Do you have a second?” she asked.
“Of course.” I took some deep breaths. Bringing my personal life to work was not working well.
“Mia, I know you’re applying for the BCP job, but I wondered if you’re still thinking about heme-onc?”
Oh no . We’d had this discussion last year when hematology-oncology fellowship applications were due. I knew all about the competitive program that took three extra years after residency to become trained as a specialist in childhood cancer.
“The deadline is long past,” I said. Besides BCP, I had applications in with two other general practices in the greater Milwaukee area.
She smiled kindly. “I’m only mentioning it because you have such a wonderful way of dealing with our patients, and you’re a great resident. And…the fellow we chose decided to join a private practice instead. We’re accepting applications again—but just until we find a good match.”
For a flash, I saw future-me meeting with families, getting to know kids, making the best and most cutting-edge treatment plans, all things that appealed. But then I saw Gracie’s face, her young life cut short. I’d see her in every. Single. Patient. I knew I would, and it would slay me each and every time.
I held up my hands. “Thanks, Dr. March, but heme-onc is just not for me.” I loved these kids, I loved their families, but a lifetime of reliving my own family tragedy daily through them? I didn’t have the emotional stamina for that. Part of being a success was knowing your limits, right?
She searched my face. Dr. March had that gift that every good doctor should have. She listened, she saw. And she was scarily intuitive.“I know you care deeply about your patients. But that’s just the thing—we need doctors who care. Caring is a good thing.”
No, no, it wasn’t. I managed to shake my head. I loved the work when things went well. But what about the kids who couldn’t be saved?
I wished I could tell her what was on my mind. But not here, not now. “I just want Rylee to get through this and lead a normal kid life.”
She patted my shoulder. “We’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen.”
As she left, images of Rylee floated in my mind, so small and pale, lying in her bed, and her sweet sister looking lost and confused. And their parents, with desperation in their eyes. It made my fake-boyfriend problem seem trivial and foolish.
Between Rylee, Dr. March, Brax, and Drake—oh no, I’d forgotten all about him—my head was whirling.
I needed a minute. I checked my pages, making sure they weren’t emergent, shoved my beeper into my pocket, and walked down the hall to the family pavilion, the place where I often snuck away for a moment of calm.
I needed a lot more than a minute, but I’d take what I could get.
I stepped onto the rooftop patio with a spectacular view of downtown and Lake Michigan. It was cloudy with the kind of cold that slices straight through you. Of course, no one was out here but me. Even though it was morning, I could see Christmas lights in the street and on the top of the tallest hospital building, which featured a green Christmas tree with a blinking star on top.
I loved Wisconsin. The cold was harsh, but it shook me up. Made me understand what was important. Like the fact that my family was my priority. Nothing else mattered.
I closed my eyes and thought of a Christmas wish. I told God that I’d screwed up pretty badly, but I just wanted my mom to have a great Christmas. I wanted to hug her and tell her how happy I was that she was okay.
When I opened my eyes, it had begun to snow. Big, fat, sticky flakes, landing all over my hair, my face, my clothes.
I turned my face up to the sky and let them fall all over me.
It felt like a blessing. Like some kind of absolution. Or maybe it was Grace, watching over my crazy life.
“Take me,” a strong, low voice behind me said.
I spun around to see Brax standing there, calmly meeting my gaze, hands in his pockets to stay warm.
All my anger vanished as fast as water down a drain. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was his expression—serious and determined. Or his eyes—he looked sorry that we’d fought.
Whatever it was, he stopped me in my tracks. Not to mention my heart, my lungs, and most of all, my brain.
I was completely off guard when he walked over, placed his hands on my shoulders, and said, “Take me home for Christmas.”