Chapter 18 #2
“Okay,” he said in a wary, tired tone.
I didn’t want to talk about rings. Which was strange, because I’d had a vision for the ring I wanted for a long time, which meant even more to me now that my grandmother was gone.
And it was wonderful to be asked about what I wanted.
Tyler had bought me a two-point-five carat marquise-cut diamond in a very modern setting without asking me beforehand what style I might want.
It was so weighted down that it flopped constantly around my finger, even after I’d had it resized.
In retrospect, that should have been an omen right there.
On the floor, Rosie got her core muscles moving as she planted her legs and started to rock her body.
Then suddenly, flip, she did it. Rolled over and grabbed her precious cow.
I captured the whole thing on video. “You’re brilliant,” I said. “So smart.”
“Atta girl, Rosebud,” Adam said. “You’re a go-getter. Just like your mama.” Rosie lay there sucking the cow ear and kicking her little legs, looking very pleased.
My eyes watered. Mostly because Adam was still supporting me and complimenting me, even though he was upset.
I couldn’t bear it.
He glanced behind his shoulder at me just as I’d finished swiping at my eyes. “Hey, why don’t I come with you?” he asked. “Then we can tell everyone about our engagement.”
I stared at him. I wanted to tell him no. That nothing felt right, and how could we keep pretending like this?
But I couldn’t sort out my feelings. Of course, I was terrified of losing Rosie, and I would do anything, anything in the world, to keep her.
Was I also panicked because I was gun-shy, owing to my awful experience with Tyler?
Was I unsure of what I felt for this man who’d put everything on the line for me, even if he wasn’t ready to marry me?
No. I wasn’t unsure of that. But everything else felt so…wrong.
Just then, Rosie had a total blowout diaper, necessitating a bath, an entire load of laundry, and all hands on deck. After that, she was hungry and tired, and Adam said he’d stay and put her to bed.
I thanked him and left out the door, relieved to get away somewhere where I could think.
Ani
It was bright and sunny by the time I joined my friends on the outside patio of Bean There, Done That. They were sitting under one of the bright red umbrellas on the patio that faced Main Street, among groups of people chatting and enjoying the warm summer day.
Ordinarily, I would have loved the free time on a lazy Saturday to sit and catch up with my friends. But I was too distressed, and that was impossible to hide.
“Are you okay?” Mia asked before I even sat down.
Sam placed a chai tea latte and a piece of banana bread in front of me, my favorites that they’d already secured for me. Except today they made my stomach churn, even as I thanked them for their trouble. “You look a little shell-shocked,” Sam said. “Did something happen?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I said quickly. “I mean, nothing should be wrong. But it feels like everything is.” I suddenly burst into tears, which caught me by surprise.
My friends immediately started handing me napkins, patting me on the back, coming to my rescue as we always did for one another amid all our life moments, good and bad.
I loved my friends, but I hated falling apart in a public place.
As I tried to get a hold of myself, I couldn’t help noticing a young couple about to sit down at a table in the corner of the patio.
They were with a baby in a stroller and a little girl who looked to be around four years old.
The guy parked the stroller and bent down to check on the baby while the woman pulled out a squeezy container of applesauce for the little girl and broke a large chocolate chip muffin in half for her.
The couple was laughing and joking, obviously used to tag-teaming the kids.
I felt a stab of longing. For a family. A caring partner. For the simple joy of being outside in the sun with each other on a Saturday outing. Could that be Adam and I one day? Or was I just always looking for the fairy tale, ignoring the reality, like I’d done in the past?
“Ani, tell us what’s wrong,” Sam said.
I pulled myself together and told them my troubles.
“My last interview with Children’s Services yesterday went off the rails.
It was the psychosocial one and the case worker was very disapproving about the fact that I’m divorced, that I called off my wedding, that I decided about fostering Rosie on a whim, and that Adam is basically living with me and helping care for the baby.
It all made me look like I was impulsive, whimsical, and uncommitted. ”
“We all know that’s not the case,” Sam said firmly.
“You did something that no one I know would,” Mia added. “You changed your life for that baby.”
I shook my head. “I’m nothing special. My emotions drive me to do things, and sometimes that’s a good thing, and other times it creates havoc in my life.
” I did understand this. But I also felt like my life on paper looked a lot sketchier than my real life.
Getting rid of Tyler was the beginning of a life I’d become really happy about—until yesterday.
Across the way, I noticed that the little girl had on a sparkly pink tutu. Maybe she’d just come from dance class. Or maybe she was in a tutu-wearing stage like Taylor, who alternated between wearing five different Frozen gowns throughout each day.
The woman said something. The man placed his arm on hers and laughed. It was a tender, spontaneous moment that made me yearn for what they had—something easy and simple and authentic. I knew in my heart something like that couldn’t be forced.
I felt Sam’s hand nudging mine. “Tell us,” she said.
I took a breath and plunged in. “Adam saw the interview falling apart, so he jumped in and said…said we were getting married.” I covered my mouth with my hand, stifling a sob.
Not exactly the way one wants to remember a proposal.
Adam’s was a defensive war cry, a savior move that had little to do with us and everything to do with keeping Rosie.
“Afterward, he looked like he’d suddenly contracted a GI bug. He’d made the ultimate sacrifice—for me. But that was just the thing—it was a sacrifice, not a celebration.”
“Are you sure he wasn’t just a little nervous?” Mia asked. “I mean, you’re right, that wasn’t the ideal proposal, but it’s obvious that you two are great together.”
“You two are meant for each other,” Sam said over a sip of her mocha. “Everyone can tell.”
“This is a tiny glitch,” Mia said in her most reassuring tone. “You two will work it out.”
Why were my friends not understanding? “It’s not wonderful. It’s not real. He did that so that I could get Rosie. He threw himself on the pyre for me!”
“Because he loves you,” Sam said.
“We love Adam.” Mia squeezed my arm. “I think you just need to have a discussion.”
“Is this Nurse Ratched that bad?” Sam asked.
“Are you sure she would go as far as not recommending you to keep Rosie? Because you can contest whatever she said. I’m sure all your recommendations are glowing.
You’re financially self-sufficient, you have a great job, and you’ve rearranged your entire life to become a foster parent. I mean, come on.”
“She’s pretty bad,” I admitted. “But I’m afraid to rock the boat. I-I don’t know what I would do if I lost Rosie.” I looked down to see that I was wringing my hands. “I can’t think straight about anything else.”
That was what it all came down to. That not-even-twenty-pound rosy-cheeked bundle that I loved more than life itself. What wouldn’t I do for her? But would I sacrifice Adam’s happiness to keep her?
“Rosie takes priority, is what I say,” Sam said. “You can’t risk not getting her. Not after everything. I mean, you’re her mom, period.” She waved her hand impatiently. “Just do whatever it takes. You two were meant for each other anyway.”
The little family was clearing their table, tossing away their trash. They walked off the patio and down the street, the mom pushing the stroller, the dad holding little tutu-girl’s hand. A sweet family picture. A happy ending. It seemed so easy and uncomplicated.
I squeezed both their hands. “Thanks for all that. I need some time to think.” I didn’t feel calmer. And I didn’t feel reassured, even though they’d said all the right things.