Chapter 19 #2
“So I had the case worker from hell for my last interview, which was the psychosocial one.” I filled her in on everything and told her I couldn’t marry Adam.
“Breathe,” the yoga lady on TV said. “Visualize your ribs as an accordion, expanding them with every inhale to enhance your flow of oxygen through your body.”
I did the opposite—I held my breath. Waited for my mom to say, “Engaged again? Less than a year later?” or “You’re living with him? Oh, Ani. What are you thinking?”
My mom seemed to purposely not look at me. She shook Rosie’s cow rattle, echoed back her oooooh oooooohs. Then finally she turned to me. “Adam loves you. You know that, right?”
Whoa. “Wait. Aren’t you going to tell me how ridiculous it is to be engaged again in less than a year? That I have a new job, a new baby, and a new home, and with one more stressor, my life will literally explode?”
“Oh, please, honey.” She waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“I told Adam that I couldn’t marry him. Because he was sweating bullets.
Because he asked me for Rosie’s sake. Because panic is a terrible reason to get married.
I’ve finally learned to listen to that feeling inside of me that’s telling me that something is wrong.
But what if I lose her? And what if I lose him? ”
I buried my face in my hands, trying not to make bad noises that would upset Rosie, which really didn’t work very well.
The dog, however, was right at my side, pushing up against me, telling me that he was there for me.
I patted his head and told him that he was a very good boy because he totally was.
Of course, Rosie started to cry. Maybe she sensed the bad vibes.
My mom picked her up and walked around with her, showing her the sunbeams and pretending to catch them.
It was sweet. The yoga lady said, “As you hold your body in child’s pose, imagine your body melting into the floor like an ice cube on a sunny day. ”
My mom handed me a box of tissues and said, “Ani, you don’t need a man to give you power. You have the power within you, don’t you know?” I stopped sobbing and stared at her. Did my mother just give me the Glinda spiel, that you’ve always had the power, my dear, all along?
“And stop hiding your face,” she added, a bit annoyed. “It’s okay for the baby to see you cry. Crying is normal, for goodness’ sake.”
“Wait—you-you think I’m right?”
“Of course you’re right. I mean, it’s very noble of Adam. But what you really need to do is to go after that unjust assessment.”
My mom sat down next to me and rubbed my back while I regrouped.
Of course, I needed to fight Ms. Nelson, who was a real pill.
Why wouldn’t I defend myself—as well as try to prevent this from happening to others whom she prejudged with her own prejudices?
Finally, Rosie batted at my head, and we both burst out laughing.
Finally, I got the courage to really talk with my mom. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been the daughter you’ve wanted. I’ve brought all this turmoil into our lives.”
“Oh, Ani.” She grasped her chest, a move not unlike one I tended to use when I was really emotional. “You’re so much more than the daughter I wanted.” She grabbed my hand.
Wait, what?
“Granted, it is sometimes difficult to watch you plunge headfirst into projects. And granted, I always disliked Tyler. That was a hard one. But you became a doctor. You opened your heart to give this beautiful baby a terrific life. And Adam…well, he’s special.”
“You didn’t put me on that plane because you were embarrassed by me?”
She heaved a sigh as Rosie now tried to swat at Arnold with Mr. Cow.
Except then Arnold grabbed Mr. Cow in his teeth.
Rosie laughed. And then I intervened by reaching over, prying it out of his teeth, wiping the dog spit off on my pants, and handing it right back to her.
Desperate times. I wasn’t sure if she was old enough to miss Mr. Cow if he got eaten, but I wasn’t going to take the risk.
“I think at that point, none of us knew what we were doing,” my mom said. “I realize now that being alone after what happened was a terrible decision, and I am sorry. I was just trying to get you away from all that wedding wreckage. But look what happened. You met the love of your life.”
“I do love him, Mom. But I’m not sure he can get all the way there. Maybe he’s still grieving—"
She stopped me with a hand on my arm. “You’ve always known what you wanted. Not everyone gets to that point at the same time. Some people take the bus; some take the high-speed train. But people do get there eventually.”
We sat there like that for a minute, all of us, the baby half on her lap, half on mine, until she got wiggly and bored.
“I have an idea,” my mom said, scooping Rosie up.
“What is it?”
“Get letters of support from everyone you know and turn them into the head of Children’s Services.
Literally flood the agency with high praise from people who know what a wonderful person and capable mother you are.
” She pulled out her phone. “I’m the president of the hospital board.
I’ll write you one.” She squeezed my hand.
“You’re very extraordinary. I’m so proud to be your mother. ”
“I love you, Mom. You’re so kickass.” I squeezed her hand right back.
“I know. And the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”