Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Samantha
The wedding hotel was a renovated brick Victorian building about ten minutes from the venue in a sweet little town, and it was also where the rehearsal dinner was to take place. The next day, Caleb and I drove there, leaving Wynn behind to work the farm, so to speak. Or really, to have the farm, i.e., Beth and Steven, work their magic on her.
I dropped off my dress and suitcase in my room and went up to the sixth and top floor, where Ani occupied a large corner suite where all the bridesmaids were coming to congregate before the rehearsal. I walked in carrying two ice buckets, champagne chilling in each.
“Hey.” I stuck my head into the room, seeing lots of long, double-hung windows and a big bay window in front of which Ani sat by herself on a green velvet-covered settee. I set the buckets on a counter. “I brought the champagne, but I need to go back and get the glasses?—”
“Oh Sam, wait,” she said. “Come in.” She wore faded, ripped jeans and a white T-shirt and was barefoot. I immediately sensed a nervous energy as she stared at her newly manicured nails, her hands stretched out on her legs. She stared so long that I immediately sensed that something was wrong. Suddenly she stood and ran toward me, gripping me by my arms with a panicked intensity. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” I said carefully, assessing the situation. “I’m glad to be here for your special day.” I took a glance around the room—sitting area, coffee area and fridge, and a lovely view of the cute downtown, where an art festival was setting up for the weekend. My heart sank as I realized that she was clearly upset, and I was the only one here. Of course I’d heard of wedding jitters, but I, who typically ran from relationships faster than 6G wireless, was the last person on earth who should be on the front lines dealing with them.
Ani immediately dissolved into tears. Wrung her hands. Paced back and forth in the beautiful sunlit room. She was always so calm and often outright joyful—I’d never seen her like this. I put my arm around her, walked her to the sofa, and made her sit down. Then I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and made her drink some.
Scenarios rushed through my brain. Did Tyler cheat? Was there an accident? Those were justifiable crises. But another, in some ways even more ominous thought occurred—what if Ani had simply decided that she couldn’t go through with this wedding?
Somewhere in the middle of all this, Mia walked in. She immediately sat down on the couch and wrapped her arm around Ani’s shoulder. “Honey, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“First of all, Tyler’s perfect,” Ani said between sobs. “He loves me. He’s uncomplicated, and I’m complicated. He puts up with me. I couldn’t hope for a better match.”
“Yes,” I said. “Tyler loves you.” She sounded like… her mother convincing her of all that. Was this to be expected of someone on the brink of a lifetime commitment? I had no idea, but love wasn’t merely being grateful that someone put up with you, was it? Unless it was both of you admitting that you put up with each other equally.
Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed with the fact that Tyler loved her. Maybe Ani didn’t need people to reassure her of that. What if Ani needed someone to let her be free to make her own choice? What if Tyler, awkward, sometimes rude, short-tempered, and condescending, wasn’t right for her, as we, Ani’s friends, suspected but tended to suppress?
I was always ready to fight for my friend, but I reminded myself that people express themselves differently. Some people who weren’t great in a crowd were much better one-on-one. At least, that’s how I’d managed all this time to give Tyler the benefit of the doubt. That and the fact that Ani loved him.
“My mom thinks that I’m just having typical wedding weekend jitters.” She got up and walked to the bay window. “I mean, look at this. This is my dream wedding—a cozy, quiet, lovely little town, out in nature, with everyone I love. I’m so blessed. And the weather’s going to be perfect! It’s a perfect start for a perfect life!”
She over-smiled. Like, the kind of smile you give when you’re trying hard not to cry.
“I finally got my life straightened out,” Ani said. “Everything’s on the path to perfection! My mom says that I’m the only person who could ruin my own happiness now, and I’d never do that, right?”
That was way too many perfects in a row.
Mia and I looked at each other. We both believed Ani’s parents were part of the reason that she couldn’t forgive herself for her youthful mistake. And that sense of shame had made her even more determined to get it right this time.
I walked over to the counter and was about to grab another water when Mia pulled a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and popped it, pouring us all full glasses in some cardboard coffee cups she found. We each sat on either side of Ani on the couch. I checked her pulse. Skyrocketing. “You’re hyperventilating,” I said. “Take some long, deep breaths and drink this.”
“Hey,” came a voice from the doorway. In walked Lilly, late as usual, dressed to perfection in yet another beautiful sundress, this one red, with red-and-white-polka-dotted pumps.
“Oh my God, what’s happening? Ani, are you okay?”
“Ani’s having some reservations,” Mia said calmly, passing the champagne. “Have a seat.” And calm the eff down , was the unspoken message.
“I’m so sorry, honey.” Lilly patted Ani’s knee and took a seat on a chair across from the couch.
“It’s okay,” Ani said, blowing her nose. “Thanks for being here.”
“You and Tyler are perfect together,” Lilly said. “I’m sure you’re just having a big case of pre-wedding nerves.”
Mia ignored that. “When you’re ready, tell us what started all this.”
Ani drained half the glass before she spoke. “I told Tyler that I really wanted us to have a little bit of quiet time before all the commotion. I thought we could take a drive through the pretty countryside, but he said he was tired, so we went down to the hotel bar to have a drink. I asked him to imagine one perfect evening far into the future. And you know what he said?” She started to cry, this time silent tears that ran down her face. “He said dinner, drinks, and a night at an all-inclusive resort.”
I think we all looked at her like, That wasn’t so bad, was it?
“Ani,” Mia said in a firm but gentle tone, “tell us what you wanted him to say.”
“He didn’t say anything like tucking the kids in, letting the dog out one last time, and making love by the fire. And you know why? Tyler hates chaos. He’s made it clear to Marin that he doesn’t want that cute little dog or her son anywhere near the ceremony. And granted, Tater almost caused a serious accident, but he’s just a kid. Besides, the Browns are covering all of Caleb’s uncovered medical expenses and giving us a huge discount on everything because of what happened.”
We thought she was done, but then she added, “Tyler wants live-in nannies to take our kids off our hands. And he hates yard work!” She began to cry again in earnest.
I was concerned about everything but the last. I mean, who liked yard work? Although, I got what Ani was saying. She grew up in Oak Bluff, where she, like Caleb, loved the outdoor life. She grew more vegetables on her four-foot balcony than I have in my fridge. And she owned more potted plants than anyone I knew.
“Not everyone wants kids or pets at a wedding,” Mia said judiciously.
“I think an exclusive resort getaway is romantic,” Lilly said. “Tyler’s probably just thinking of the two of you for right now. I mean, you’re going to be newlyweds. Kids will be down the line… right? I mean, you’ve discussed this, obviously.”
“Of course. I’d want four or five, but he said more than two would stress him out. I think he just needs to have an orderly plan in place.”
Mia was telegraphing me dark looks. I knew she was thinking what I was thinking. That any number of children brought a certain degree of chaos to a marriage even if the ratios of parents’ hands to children was 2:1. And if he couldn’t handle chaos, they were in big trouble.
After everything Ani had just expressed, I worried about more than personality differences between Tyler and her. I worried about Ani being happy. About her settling. About her insecurities over being divorced and how not wanting to make another mistake could have led her to this very frightening moment. It was all adding up to a feeling of doom that I felt deep in the pit of my stomach.
“It’s okay to have doubts,” Mia said firmly. “But you really need to have a talk with Tyler.”
“Yes, Tyler will make all this better,” Lilly said. “I mean, he’s such a sweetheart. I’m sure everything will be fine.” She paused, and I thought—make that hoped—that she was done. But then she added, “Besides, the wedding’s paid for. Too late for doubts now, right?”
Mia and I glared at her. I sat on my hands to stop myself from lunging for her.
“Kidding,” she said in a singsong voice. “Just trying to make light.”
Ani didn’t get the joke. Frankly, none of us did. “I’m just panicking because of my big mistake the first time.” Ani said, not very convincingly. Suddenly she grabbed my arm. “Sam, I just had an idea. Your matchmaker thing—you have to do it at dinner. Tonight. It will reassure me that everything’s going to be fine. Okay?” She white-knuckled me. “Promise you’ll do it.”
No no no. That was absolutely not the right thing to do. Unlike Lilly, I wasn’t going to say anything to falsely reassure Ani. “That matchmaking thing is, you know, just something my grandma did. I don’t put any faith in it. Mia is right. Talking to Tyler is what’s going to make you feel better.”
Ani checked her phone. “He’s golfing with the guys. I’ll have to wait until before the rehearsal dinner to get him alone.”
Mia and I reinforced what a great idea we thought that was. We gave her another drink and more water. Then the three of us took her for a walk. We meandered through the little downtown art show and tried to divert her attention. Finally, she begged to go back to the room and rest, and we all headed to our own rooms to change for dinner.
Lilly and I said goodbye to Mia on the first floor. As the two of us walked to the elevator, Lilly asked if I had a few minutes to talk, and suggested grabbing a couple of Cokes in a little outdoor café off the lobby.
I felt a strange foreboding in my gut that even the colorful bursts of red geraniums scattered around in hanging baskets couldn’t quell. After all, Lilly was Ani’s friend. Our only connection was Caleb, which come to think of, was a little scary, because she’d acted very possessive of him on the last day of farm weekend. But Caleb had sorted things out with her, right? I shrugged my worry off as me still being upset by Ani’s troubles. But I really didn’t want to sit down with her and talk.
“I’m a little nervous about something too.” As we sat on the pleasant patio, Lilly tapped her nails on the wrought iron table. It was covered by a sunny yellow umbrella. Cheery, except I wasn’t at all feeling it. “Do you mind if I run it by you?”
“Of course. Sure.” Which was totally a lie. She’d somehow singled me out, and that made me concerned that this might be about Caleb. But that was ridiculous, right?
“I know this is crazy,” she began, “but ever since our weekend at the farm, I can’t stop thinking about Caleb.” Oh no. My heart gave a painful squeeze as she met my gaze straight on with her wide blue one. It felt like all my blood was suddenly draining out of my body, from my head down. I fought lightheadedness by grabbing my drink and taking a huge gulp of Diet Coke.
She took a sip of hers, then flicked her gaze back at me. “When he said he wanted us to use being in this wedding to repair our friendship, I was afraid to trust him. I held back, and I didn’t encourage him. But now I just keep thinking about how he saved that little boy. He was so selfless, jumping right after him without a thought. That made me rethink everything. And now that he’s going to be working in Oak Bluff, all our stars might align. Maybe it’s a sign that we’re meant to be. It can be a true second chance for us.” As she spoke, I could see how tightly set her mouth was, how intense the expression in her eyes.
My brain flooded with panic. Caleb was going to work in Oak Bluff? He’d been offered the job? I broke out in a cold sweat. Shaking, I put my straw to my lips. I could barely swallow the icy cold drink, much less concentrate on the rest of her words.
It occurred to me that she could be setting me up. That she knew or suspected that Caleb and I were together, and she was saying this to get me out of her way. But that sounded like something out of Mean Girls , too conniving to be true.
A sense of doom bloomed all through me as she continued. “I just—I just wondered what you thought about me talking with him? If he’d be receptive? If it’s too late? I mean—I know you two are good friends.” She sucked in an audible breath, and her deep blue eyes brimmed with tears. “I’m in love with him, Sam. I can’t help myself.”
I was choked with panic. And a strange sense of disbelief. I looked around the patio—people were laughing, chatting, sipping drinks. The bright day was warm with a light breeze. Had I fallen into a dream state, caused by Ani’s distress and too much champagne, where my worst nightmare was playing out in real time before me?
With a clumsy jerk of my arm, I tipped over my drink, the icy liquid dripping onto my hand and through the table onto my legs. This was definitely not a dream. “You… you’re in love with him?”
She nodded solemnly. Then she gave a nervous little laugh. “Strange, isn’t it? How it can just hit you like a giant sledgehammer.” She tapped her hand against the table so hard I started. “Caleb was right. We were so young when we were together, and we didn’t have the tools to make it. But we’re mature people now. I want to tell him that I’m ready. I want another chance, but I’m terrified. So, what do you think?”
It felt like she’d just driven a stake into my heart. And yet I breathed and lived, and my heart kept beating with a strange, slow pulse. The small, brief burst of happiness that I’d experienced with Caleb seemed precious and rare, like a visit from my mother that would be longed for, ached for, for ages, but never repeated. Clearly the universe was laughing at me, telling me that I’d been right all along—that love wasn’t for me. Because I’d just been put into an impossible bind.
What would Oma say? This was proof that her matchmaking test was a sham. A silly game. Wishful thinking that I’d been desperate to believe because I’d needed to believe in some kind of magic.
My mind was whirling. Unlike in the OR when someone’s oxygenation falls or their heart rhythm goes awry, and I was always clearheaded and ready, my brain was slow and sludgy. This time I could not think on my feet.
I thought of my options. I could tell Lilly right now that I was dating Caleb even though we literally hadn’t had even been on one normal date. Yet I could step up and stamp him as mine. Sorry, Lilly, too late. He’s taken.
But I couldn’t do it. How could I rob Caleb of that choice? Something that he’d dreamed of for years.
What if I was just a passing infatuation, and Lilly was the one he was meant to be with? Lilly had said herself that initially she didn’t trust his sincerity—how could she, after the rumors? Rumors I’d had a part in.
Caleb had sworn he was over her. But if I made his choice for him now, would there always be a tiny little what-if in the corner of his mind?
I’d always stood up for myself, been able to speak out, but now I found that I couldn’t shut her down. Not because of any kindness I felt I owed her because of my mistakes or because of any sympathy I might have for her sudden affection for Caleb—because I had little of either. But because Caleb deserved to have the choice that he’d wanted desperately—until very recently. A real choice. A choice I found that I couldn’t interfere with even if it meant ditching my own happiness.
How could I speak for him when he’d loved her for years?
He would always wonder. Or if I shut her down, I would always wonder if he’d choose her if given the chance. Either scenario was terrible.
I’d always told myself that I didn’t want love. But I did want it. I’d been holding it, right in my hands. But this wasn’t my choice to make. It was his.
When I did finally speak, I was amazed at how calm I sounded. Even-keeled. Surprisingly steady. “You should tell him everything.”
Just then, my phone vibrated with a call. It was him, of course. I let it roll to voicemail. A few seconds later, a text came up. Golf was fun. Miss you already. See you at dinner. Followed by three emojis—heart eyes, double hearts, kiss.
The silly nonsense of lovers.
I turned my phone over on the table and closed my eyes. My breathing came in jerky breaths. The patio around me spun. The Coke kept dripping on my legs, as if gallons had spilled instead of a few ounces.
“Are you all right?” Lilly asked.
“Of course. Sure. Just clumsy.” I withdrew my hands and placed them in my lap, where I shredded, shredded, shredded. Except I was just wringing my hands because there was nothing there to shred.
I felt that for a brief moment, my world had been lit up, wonderful and bright, full of hope that I’d finally found what I’d never dared to dream I would find.
But then, I thought bitterly, I never belonged in that world anyway.
* * *
Caleb
“Hey, beautiful.” That evening, I walked up to Sam at the rehearsal dinner and whispered in her ear as she stood on the edge of a stone patio, overlooking manicured gardens. She wore an elegant black dress and heels, her hair up, and my heart flooded with joy at seeing her. It had only been a few hours, but I missed being with her, talking with her, touching her. I wanted to shout out to the world that we were together. I wanted to sit with her, hold her hand, and whisper words in her ear that would make her laugh or blush as we celebrated Ani and Tyler’s love.
Tables filled with candles and flowers surrounded us. Strings of fairy lights were strung on trees and overhead. The sun was still golden in the sky, slanting across green hills and fields. It was a beautiful, warm evening without a cloud in the sky. I was happy to be with my friends at such a happy time. Hell, I was happy like I’d never been before.
Sam started from deep in thought. She was holding a drink, and her hand shook as she set it down on a side table meant for discarded dishes.
When she turned, I could see the tightness in her face, the rigidity of her posture.
“Hey,” I said, reaching in for a kiss. She turned her head at the last second, and I ended up kissing her cheek instead.
“Hey, hi.” Her gaze swept anxiously over me. “Nice suit,” she said, noticing my jacket and tie.
“Thanks. You okay?” I thought of something to say to make her less worried. “I checked in with my folks. Wynn’s had a busy day, but they’ve got everything ready for the farmers’ market tomorrow. They’re thrilled to have the company—and the help.”
“I spoke to her too. She’s having a great time.”
“You don’t look relieved.”
“No, I just?—”
I took her hands in mine. They seemed cold, despite the warm evening. “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” I said in a quiet voice. “I wanted to ask you if it’s okay with you if we go public.” I did air quotes with my fingers.
“Go public?” she asked absently.
“You know.” I moved my hand back and forth between us. “As a couple. I mean, I’ve been grinning all day, so I think the guys might suspect something. And I know you didn’t mind my folks knowing. But I wanted to make sure you were okay with it.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lilly enter the patio. She wore a formfitting silky, flowery dress in dramatic colors—reds, pinks, greens. Even from here, I could see that her bright pink lipstick, matching, was picture perfect as usual. She saw us and waved. It struck me at that moment that she looked intent, hovering at the periphery, edging in.
Sam cleared her throat. “Caleb, I don’t think that?—”
Just then, Brax walked up. “Hey, you two. Sam, this guy can’t stop smiling all day.” He placed his arm good-naturedly around my shoulder. “But no one will tell me whether you two are officially together. What’s the scoop?”
Ordinarily, I’d laugh this whole thing off. But something was different. Sam was on edge, stiff and nervous. Suddenly the warm evening felt humid and hot. I yanked viciously on my tie.
“Oh, we’re just friends.” Sam waved a dismissive hand. “But at least we’re not enemies anymore.”
Brax looked surprised—but not as surprised as I was. “Just friends, eh?” he asked.
“Sorry, but just friends,” she repeated firmly.
My jaw dropped because I was flabbergasted. Completely thrown. As soon as Brax moved on, I waited for Sam to say something to explain. But she was silent, her gaze cast into the distance.
“What was that about?” I finally asked, surprised and hurt. “It’s one thing to keep our relationship quiet but another to completely deny it.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. I touched her shoulder, begging her to turn and look at me. “Samantha, what is going on? Did something happen? Because it’s like you’ve done a one-eighty on me.”
“I just—I’m sorry, Caleb. I just need some space this weekend. To—think about things.”
“ What things?” Then it dawned. “To think about us ?”
She bit down on her lip. She refused to meet my eyes. I began to pace. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Lilly, oddly still staring at us.
“Tell me what’s happening.” I was practically begging now. “What’s upset you?”
She winced beneath my touch. “Nothing’s happened. I-I just—I can’t talk about this now. Ani’s really stressed. I’m sorry. I just can’t?—”
I dropped my hands. “What do you mean, Ani’s stressed? Did something happen?”
“She needs to talk with Tyler. She’s having a lot of nerves.”
“Okay, I get it. But what about us? Tell me what you’re feeling.”
Had whatever was happening with Ani spooked her? A cold shiver went through me when it occurred to me that Sam was being… Sam. Running from a commitment. Because that’s what Sam did. She’d said so herself.
Just then, Tyler’s father made an announcement over the mic for everyone to please take their seats. I finally captured Sam’s gaze and mentally begged her to say something, anything. In complete frustration, I yanked harder at my tie until it finally loosened up. I felt like I was suffocating.
She rubbed her forehead. “Look, Caleb, everything is so new with us, and there’s so much going on, that I don’t think now is the time to announce anything to anyone. Okay?”
That’s when I finally caught on. “This isn’t about Ani or wedding stress. You’re having doubts.” Anger bubbled up from deep within me. I’d been so naive to think that I’d be the one to change her. You can’t ever change anybody, can you? How many times had my mom said that going into a relationship trying to change someone simply never worked. “You just can’t take the leap, can you?”
She closed her eyes. Just for a few seconds, but it reminded me of what my patients looked like when I was about to stick them with a big old needle. “You’re running away. From me. From us.”
“I’m taking a step back,” she said curtly. “For now. I’m sorry.” Without another word, she turned and walked to her seat.