Chapter Five #2
“Thanks, Jules.” His hand reaches mine as I set the glass of water down in front of him. He squeezes it once and then lets go, wiping his sweaty palms down his thighs.
Once everyone is seated and the food is dished out, silence falls across the table. The music playing quietly in the background seems to match the mood of the kitchen, as we all stare down into our bowls.
“I guess I should say something–” Mom breaks the silence.
She turns her chair to face Zander now, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees.
“Jules has filled me in on everything. And, as much as you haven’t said anything specifically, it’s not difficult to work out what’s happening.
” He doesn’t look at her, or me for that matter, he just watches his fork pushing around the pasta.
“Do you know why he does what he does?” He reaches for his drink and takes a small sip, like he’s trying to buy himself time.
I’m not sure if he knows the answer or not, but I’m holding my breath for his response.
“I– I don’t know, not really. It’s just been like this for as long as I can remember.
He always has a reason, but sometimes I–” He pauses, either trying to find the right words, or working himself up to say them.
“Sometimes, I don’t really feel like I deserve it.
” I can see the weight leave his shoulders, his body sinking into the chair as he voices his truth.
“Of course you don’t, sweetheart. I won’t ask any more, I don’t want to upset you, or feel like I’m prying, but I do need to speak to you about something.”
“Okay…” He’s wary, all of a sudden, and so am I. I don’t know what I expected to happen next; my thoughts had stopped the moment I spilled it all out at the kitchen table.
“I have to phone someone to let them know what’s happening to you at home,” she deliberately moved herself back slightly before saying it. Not enough to make him feel like he was alone, but just enough to give his reaction space.
“Wh-who? What’s going to happen? Am I going to be taken away?
Please don’t let them take me away… I love it here– with Jules and with you.
Please, Miss James, I-I don’t want to move schools or have a new family…
” His breathing is rapid, and his face is flooded with fear.
He’s asking her for answers, and I find myself looking to her for them too.
“Shh, shhhh, honey. I want you to breathe, okay? I need you to calm down and just breathe. I’m not calling anyone until we’ve talked about it.
While you are here, you are safe. There’s no rush right now,” she speaks slowly, reaching out cautiously to rub circles on his back.
“Well done, just keep breathing. I’ll answer any questions you have, okay? We do this together.”
Once his breathing had slowed and his water had been drained, we sat and listened as my Mom went through what she needed to do next. She explained that she needed to phone the police, which led to more panic. Luckily, she calmed him down by telling us what they would do.
From the moment the call was made, there was an endless stream of people coming in and out of our house.
Police, social workers, doctors. The only service that didn’t visit was the fire service, but with how worked up Zander became at one point, I thought it was a possibility they may have to come and cool him off with the hose.
After speaking with all three of us, everyone finally left.
They said that Zander could stay here for the night whilst they made a house call to his dad to get his version of events.
Mom looked tired by the end of the night. She sat next to Zander on the sofa and watched the TV with him in comfortable silence.
I needed space; I needed a moment to let everything sink in and just breathe without being watched, so I went into the kitchen and made three cups of hot chocolate for all of us.
As the steam from the kettle swirled through the air, I let my mind go with it.
I imagined all the bad things that had happened to Zander disappearing with the cloud of water, effortlessly just vanishing into nothing, like they never existed to begin with.
But if the last twelve hours have taught me anything, it’s that things just don’t disappear; they cling on, just like the condensation dripping down the window.
The pain that comes with just looking at his tormented face is unbearable.
I don’t know what to say to him or how to behave.
I’m torn between trying to get him to open up and wanting to pretend nothing has happened.
I want to see him smile and hear him laugh, but I also want him to recognise it’s okay to be vulnerable around the people who truly care for him.
Taking a deep breath, I pick up the cups and head back to the living room.
I decide it’s probably best to let Zander take the lead.
Let him tell me what he needs and support him that way.
I’ll be here for him if he wants to cry, scream, or shout.
Just as I will if he wants to kick back and play some video games.
It’s then I realise, I would do those things anyway. Regardless of the circumstances.