Chapter Thirty-Three
Jules – One week later
“Hold still, this is the part where it could all go horribly wrong. Well… not for me, more for you…” Zander’s tongue pokes out of the corner of his mouth; that’s how I know he means business.
“Zander…”
“Jules! What did I just say?”
“I didn’t move!”
“Almost… Done…” The cut-throat glides over the swell of my adams apple. I tense and hold my breath– I guess this is when we find out if he really did forgive me last week.
“There, all done. Let me just put some balm on, and you’re all good.
” He swipes a bottle from the counter, splashing liquid into his palms and rubbing them together.
The smell is pretty strong, not exactly the soft and gentle scent I was expecting.
Rough hands meet my now-smooth jaw, and I can’t help but lean into his touch, soaking up everything he gives me…
Including the sudden burning and stinging sensation following his hands as they move across my face and neck.
“Ahh, Zander!!”
“What?!”
“It’s burning, fuck! Make it stop!” Zander’s expression transforms into one of sheer panic, reaching for the towel beside him.
“Here, try and wipe it off…” I scrub the towel against my sensitive skin, intensifying the burn as the cotton draws the liquid deeper into my skin.
“What did you use?!”
“I–errr…” He picks up the bottle, his lips rolling inward to suppress the laughter creeping out of the corners of his mouth, “It was an accident, I swear.” Swiping the bottle from his hands, I examine the label.
“AFTERSHAVE? What about this is appropriate to use after a shave?” Zander doubles over with laughter as I stick my head as far under the cold tap as I can reach, trying to soothe the increasing burn.
I can’t turn up to my Mom’s funeral with–what feels like–a third degree burn across half of my face.
We arrived at the crematorium just as people were starting to line up beside the entrance.
I recognised a few of Mom’s work colleagues, as well as distant family members– the ones you only see at weddings and, well…
yeah, days like today. Impossible as it may seem, Mom’s passing was starting to feel less like the end, and more like the start of forever.
I didn’t want to hear her then, but I’m not afraid to admit it now; not knowing about her condition was what enabled me to stand here today, stronger in the knowledge that even though a heart can be broken, the right person can hold it together.
She gave both Zander and me everything we needed, through every stage of our lives to reach this point, side by side, with our heads up and happiness shining alongside the tears in our eyes.
Through hope and sorrow, through laughter and tears, she’s right at the centre of it all.
Her life was full of purpose and meaning; she left behind an earth that’s better for having her on it, even if it was just for a little while.
So, standing beside the coffin that holds her body, I know it’s just that.
Nothing on this earth could ever contain the force that she was.
It’s not the end, it’s just the beginning of the story she wrote the prologue to.
Mom will live on through everything I do.
She’s in every breath that I take. Just as she’s in every ounce of love that I feel and offer in return.
It’s all an extension of her, and the love she gave me so fiercely.
I don’t say goodbye because goodbye feels too much like forever, so instead, I say thank you.
Thank you for showing me the true meaning of happiness, for always choosing kindness, and for giving that to Zander too.
“True colors” fills the space as we bow our heads and reflect on our time together. Large, dependable hands find my own, and warmth seeps into my side.
“She sang this to me. That night, when my mind was shutting down, this song was the last thing I heard, and her face was the last thing I remember seeing,” Zander whispers between us.
Tears fall freely now, but they’re not from sadness or longing.
They’re full of gratitude and peace, knowing that in his time of need, she comforted him the same way she would me.
He truly was a son to her, because she knew that he’s always been everything to me.
The kind of love that Zander and I have is born from the deepest form of friendship.
It’s the same kind that shaped us as children, carried us through adolescence, and matured right alongside us.
It’s soul deep and etched into our genetic makeup.
It’s knowing we can be our true, authentic selves without explanation.
It’s too big for words, and too vast for one lifetime alone.
It will flow through us, and into the spaces all around, it will follow us through this life and into all the ones that come after.
He may have held my hand all those years ago, but now he holds everything else too.