Chapter 19
nineteen
I shouldn’t be this nervous. I’d already spent countless hours with Tripp. We’d held hands and canoodled on my couch. I’d even been at his house less than twenty-four hours ago for our last kayak practice. But we’d yet to have what most would consider a proper date. Nerves were to be expected, right? I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and wished I’d chosen less restrictive clothing. I hadn’t realized I’d be sweating this much—it wasn’t hot out, and the date hadn’t started yet.
My hand hovered in the air, ready to knock on his door. I hesitated; my mind filled with doubt. Come on, Sadie, you can do this. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves, and finally knocked. To my surprise, Tripp pulled the door open before I even finished the first knock.
“Hey,” he said with a wide grin. “Come in.” He stepped back and stumbled over an orange cat that had to weigh at least twenty pounds.
“Oh,” I said, returning his smile, “I didn’t realize I’d be meeting the dynamic trio tonight. Are you sure we’re ready to take that step?”
“Absolutely. If they could talk, they’d tell you it was nice to finally meet you after hearing their human pine over you for months.” It was hard to ignore the adorable blush that painted his cheeks, my new favorite shade of pink.
“Well, don’t believe everything you’ve heard. Is this floofy man, Detective Stabler?” I knelt down to give Elliot a quick ear scratch, but when I tried to stand, he nudged my leg, nearly knocking me over. I obliged his request and continued giving him my undivided attention.
“The one and only, yeah. Derek is around here somewhere, and I’m pretty sure Taylor is camped out by the back door, hoping I’ll drop a hot dog or burger.”
“Your cats eat hot dogs?” I asked, standing back to my full height. All five-foot-one of me. I propped my arms on my hips in mock disappointment. “I don’t think that diet is PETA-approved.”
“Only when I’m not looking, or Zoe is here. She’s always giving them human food. She claims it's her right as their auntie.”
“As a dog aunt, I can confirm. It’s my job to spoil Tommy Pickles, Seth’s dog.” Tommy and I had a love-hate relationship. I loved him, and he loved me, but my allergies hated him and me. Anytime I visited my brother’s place, it was also with a healthy dose of allergy medication. Thankfully, feline dander didn’t have the same effect on me. If our home didn’t double as our office, Ava and I would have our own brood of pets.
I followed Tripp through the house as he gave me a quick tour. It wasn’t a big house, but he still kept a spare room for each of his sisters. Apparently, he was their landing pad after bad breakups or tough workdays. I guess I wasn’t the only one who found refuge and safety with him. Every detail I learned about him, and his life made me crave more. I wanted to drink from the well until it ran dry.
We ended up in the kitchen. I leaned against the cool quartz countertops and took in the open space. His entire house was well-decorated and modern, but it was also well-loved and clearly lived in. The essence of him was everywhere. Each piece of art or furniture reminded me of him. It even smelled like him.
“So, what culinary delight are you making me tonight?” I asked. I’d suggested a few restaurants, but he’d wanted to keep this first official date lowkey. I wasn’t one to turn down a home-cooked meal.
“Don’t get too excited. It’s nothing fancy, but I make a mean burger. So, burgers, hand-cut fries, and a salad featuring vegetables grown in Lydia’s backyard garden.”
“How’d you know burgers are my favorite?”
“Lucky guess,” he said, grinning, “and you order one almost every time we get food at the office. I snagged a few fresh onions and tomatoes from Lydia, too.”
A warm glow radiated from my core. I loved how he paid attention to the small details, like what I ordered at restaurants or that he had my favorite Taylor album playing on his sound system.
We settled into a comfortable rhythm of conversation while he expertly maneuvered his kitchen. I’d offered to help; but he handed me a glass of wine and told me to sit and relax. I’d never had a man cook for me before, but then again, I’d never met a man I’d let cook for me. No one had ever made me feel as comfortable as he did. Any nerves I’d had when I arrived had faded away. I wish there were a way to bottle up this contentment that washed over me every time I was around him. I’d take a sip anytime doubt and fear started to rear their ugly heads again.
We ate in the backyard as the sun started to give away to the moon. The fairy lights and sunset-painted sky made the meal far more intimate than it had any right to be.
“Thank you for all of this,” I said, finishing off the fries on my plate. “I don’t have many dates to compare it to, but let’s just say I wasn’t expecting to feel this relaxed.”
“Really? I find it so hard to believe that you don’t have a line of boys waiting to wine and dine you over burgers.”
Laughing, I said, “Even if there were, I wouldn’t have said yes. I found it much easier to avoid the things I fear rather than face them. You can’t miss what you’ve never known. But I think I might be learning that some things are worth the rush of fear.”
A frown tugged his lips down. “What else have you missed out on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said you can’t miss what you’ve never known, but surely you know the things you’ve missed.”
I considered his question again. The answer was like a gun loaded with all the what-ifs and could’ve beens that I’d tucked into a safe I never intended to open again. “I guess I’ve never thought of it that way before.”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to answer.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I was afraid to crack into those memories. I cleared my throat and asked, “You know how I feel about elevators, right?” He nodded. “Well, in college, I landed an amazing internship with a former United States Senator who’d just lost his bid for the presidency. I used to want to go into politics.”
His eyebrows raised in surprise. “Politics? Interesting.”
“I wanted to be a lobbyist. It was a short-lived dream. Anyway, I showed up for my first day and realized the only way to get in the building from the parking garage was this janky, terrifying elevator that was slower than Christmas. The stairs weren’t an option. I quit after the first day, so I didn’t have to get in it again.”
“Do you regret quitting?”
“I did at first. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the real reason I quit, so I made up some excuse about it not being what I expected. Now? Not really. I’m happy with how my career has turned out. Politics would’ve eaten me alive.”
“I won’t lie. I’m thankful you took another route. I’m also really glad you pushed through and rode the elevator up to our office that day.”
“Me too.” I pushed back my chair and stood, ignoring the fear that bubbled in my stomach as I walked toward him. He opened his arms, and I slid inside them, curling onto his lap.
“And you’re working on your elevator fears. I’ve seen you handle the one in our office like the boss you are.”
I had to laugh. I’d only been in the elevator with him once, and I’d been quick to press the buttons so we could all get out quickly. There’d been five of us crammed into the space. But he was right, my heart no longer raced when the doors closed. “I guess that’s true.”
“What else is on that list.”
“Camping. I went once when I was a kid but missed out on the campfire, s’mores, and roasting hot dogs because I’d gotten too scared to stay all night.”
“You’ve never been camping?” I shook my head. “Well, why don’t we make that one of the less extreme challenges? I’ve got a free weekend next month, and I’ve been trying to lobby the team to add camping to our line up.”
I thought about it and listed all the reasons this was a terrible idea ... I hated bugs and the outdoors, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for an overnight excursion with Tripp and the content team. But, on the other hand, it could be fun. Fun ? Did I just think camping might be fun? Weird.
“Sure, I think that could make for some great content.”
“I’ll have Liam work on the plans,” he said. “But there’s something you need to know before we go camping.”
Intrigued, I raised an eyebrow.
“I’m not completely fearless.”
I clutched my hand over my heart. “What?”
Laughing, he said, “If there are any spiders anywhere near the tent, you’re going to have to take care of it.”
“Hmm. Well, as long as it’s a small spider, I think I can do that.” I pictured him hiding in the corner of the tent cowering in fear of a Daddy Long Legs. The image made me smile. “Do you want to hear one of my most ridiculous fears?”
“Sadie, I just confessed to having arachnophobia, it’s the least you can share.” He smirked that half smile that made my knees go weak.
“Have I mentioned my fear of bridges?”
“Aside from the one we bungee jumped off of? No.”
“When I was little, anytime we’d go over a bridge, I’d get super quiet and stare out the window. Gran thought it was because I loved bridges and was fascinated by the cool, old ones. She used to plan road trips to find the oldest and most interesting bridges. It was a whole thing that she did because she thought I was having the time of my life on those rickety things. When I started driving, she noticed I would take the long way home and drive around the lake rather than over it. She asked me why, and I told her it was because I hated bridges. She was horrified and wouldn’t stop apologizing.”
Tripp covered his mouth to stifle a laugh. “The whole time, she thought she was giving you an amazing experience, but nope.”
“That was my first lesson in how important communication was. Though, I still keep some of my fears close to the vest. People love to make fun of phobias or try to push and test them.” I bit my lip as I thought of Liam and how quickly he’d grown frustrated with me at the trampoline park.
Tripp read my face and frowned. “I hope I didn’t push any of this on you. I want you to tell me when you’re scared or worried. I won’t make fun of you.”
I closed my eyes and rested my head back on his shoulder. “I’m kind of like the Hulk when it comes to fear. That’s my secret. I’m always scared.”
“Even now?” His fingers trailed up and down my arm. The touch was excruciatingly gentle.
“Especially now,” I whispered. I placed my hand over his hand and tucked my fingers under his. “I don’t want to be, though.”
There wasn’t anything else to say. Neither of us moved. I stayed curled in his lap, tucked safely in his arms, as the sun set, and darkness took over the night sky. The crickets and frogs sang their mating call, and the world carried on as if mine hadn’t completely shifted off of its axis. No matter how this ended or worked out, nothing would ever be the same for me. That was what scared me most. The longer the silence lingered, the heavier my fear became. Unease crept in, and I shifted out of his arms.
“Tripp?” I asked, breaking the silent reverie between us. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”
A deep sigh escaped his lips. “Honestly? I don’t know, but everything about this feels right.”
“I know.” He felt like home ... safe, secure, cozy, and warm. I settled deeper into him, and he pulled me in closer.