Chapter 25
For the second time in one day, Felix was at the Old Bell Diner. He’d had Sunday brunch with Tito in the morning, and now, midafternoon, he was back. Bouncing from foot to foot on his toes, sweltering next to the giant bronze bell that radiated the sun’s heat.
Waiting for Jo.
She’d texted him the night before. Two short words: “I’m ready.” He had nearly dropped his phone into a sink full of dishwater in his haste to respond. Their back and forth was brief. Enough to determine a time and place to meet, but not enough to give him any indication of what she was thinking.
Felix chewed the inside of his cheek and scanned the packed parking lot—again. There. A flash of red-brown hair. It weaved through the cars, shining like a beacon. He hadn’t seen Jo in seventeen--and-a-half days. But she was here now, and he couldn’t look away. His eyes burned in the bright sunlight, watering profusely as he barely dared to blink. She came around an SUV and spotted him. Felix’s heart melted as a slow, beautiful grin lit up her face.
Jo started to run. So did he.
In an empty parking space, between a minivan and an ancient pickup truck, they collided. Jo leapt into his arms, and Felix clung to her, his hands closing around her midriff beneath her tank top.
“Jo.”
“I love you, Felix. I love you, I love you.”
A joyous sound fell from his lips as he buried his face in her hair. She smelled like summertime and coming home. “Jo. My Jo. I love you too.”
The sun shone on them and the black asphalt all around. Sweat dripped down their faces and mingled on their cheeks. Felix didn’t care. Let the sun burn all of Kansas to the ground, and them along with it. He would die happy, with Jo in his arms, loving him.
They didn’t move, or even speak, until they heard a honk. A sedan had its turn signal on, the driver gesturing impatiently at them through the windshield. Jo laughed, a sound he had been bereft without. She shouted an apology to the driver. Felix adjusted his grip on her and carried her to the sidewalk.
“We should talk,” Jo said as he set her beside the bell. She slid her hands into his and squeezed, as if proving to herself that he was really here. He squeezed back, and her pale brown eyes shone with joy behind her glasses.
“I agree,” Felix replied. “May I buy you a coffee?”
“Oh, shit, you didn’t tell me free coffee was part of the deal!” she cried, and he laughed and kissed her cheek.
Had her cheeks always been so round and soft and pink and perfect? He kissed the other one, for good measure. Keeping one hand in hers, he led her into the oasis of the air-conditioned diner. While they waited for a table, she asked him how MnM night had gone the past two weeks.
“It’s incredible, Jo. We’ve had about a dozen people each week,” he told her. “Leni and Greg are running the tables. Greg is a pro at GMing, and Leni is picking it up quickly. I’ve stepped in to help with combat a couple of times, but she’s doing great. And we’ve had seven people sign up for new library cards.”
“That’s wonderful,” she said, gripping his forearm. His muscles flexed at her touch, and a glimmer of heat flared in her eyes.
Soon, cari?o. He couldn’t wait to get those clothes off her and touch her again. He knew he was getting ahead of himself, but hope stirred within him that this would go well. She loved him (holy fuck, she loved him), and he loved her, and she was holding onto him like she never wanted to let go.
“Are you enjoying being the organizer?” Jo asked as a host led them to a booth.
“I am,” he said. “It’s a much better fit for me, and Warren is thrilled to have me focused on the program as a whole.”
“I’m so glad,” she said with genuine warmth. “I’m… I’m hoping to come play this week.”
“I hope you do. Warren agreed to your recommendation, by the way, to keep MnM once a week.”
Jo blushed, but she looked him in the eye. “Thanks for telling me. I’m glad I could help.”
Felix smiled at her, pleased to hear her take credit for herself. “So am I,” he said.
She smiled back, tentative but proud, as they sat down across from each other.
Jo ordered cold brew with cream and sugar, and Felix chose an iced vanilla latte and a slice of apple pie à la mode with two forks. After their server left, an awkward moment passed between them.
Felix was the one to break the silence. He leaned forward, arms on the table and hands lightly clasped together. “Do you want to go first, or should I?”
“Me first,” she said, before she could lose her nerve.
“I’m listening.”
Christ, how she had missed his beautiful face. Her eyes ran over his features, snagging on the soft smile on his lips. She wanted him to kiss her cheeks again. She wanted to kiss him back, to grip his hair and drag him to her side of the booth and slip her hand under his shirt and delicately scratch his skin until he begged for more, harder, please.
“Jo?” Felix asked, shattering the image in her mind that had her pressing her thighs together. The sly grin on his face told her that he had a pretty good idea what was on her mind.
“I’m here,” she said, giving him a quick smile in return. “You’re very distracting sometimes.”
“Oh, let me put these away,” he said, moving his hands to his lap to hide his forearms under the table.
They shared a laugh, and then Jo took a deep breath. She’d practiced what she wanted to say with Aida, over the phone now that her best friend was back in California. The only problem was that the script was all jumbled up in her head. Jo had planned to work up to the whole “I love you” part, but once she was back in Felix’s embrace, she couldn’t hold her feelings inside. Might as well wing it and speak from the heart then.
“So I guess you know that I love you.”
His grin turned adorably shy. “I thought I heard something like that.”
“I think I’ve loved you for a while, Felix, but it was too hard for me to see it at first. Love has never felt like this for me before, but, well, I love it. I want to keep doing it. With you. Wait, fuck, that came out wrong.”
Felix laughed, a hearty, high-pitched laugh that was practically a giggle. “God, I missed you, Jo.”
Their server stopped by with their coffee and pie, giving Jo a second to organize her thoughts. Felix handed her one of the forks and gestured for her to continue.
“I want to stay together,” she said plainly. “But first, I owe you an answer to your question. You wanted to know if I believe that I can be myself around you and that you’ll love me no matter what.”
“I remember,” he murmured.
Jo’s heart beat faster, and her stomach clenched around the single bite of pie she’d snuck in. “My answer is, not yet. But I want to, so badly, and I’m trying to learn how. I’m sor—I wish I could give you a more definitive answer, but it’s not that simple right now. And I… I understand if that’s not enough for you.”
She was still clumsy with the phrases Dr. Duncan had suggested she use instead of “I’m sorry,” but damn it, she was trying. Felix seemed to notice her aborted apology, given the way his expression shifted at that part. He looked surprised and pensive all at once. There was a long pause while he sipped his latte and Jo tried not to have a conniption.
“May I ask what you mean when you say you’re trying to learn?” he finally asked.
“I’ve started seeing a therapist,” she replied and suddenly remembered this part of her mental script. “I’ve only had two sessions, but I really like her. She’s already been a huge help. I thought I understood all the ways that Jeremy affected me, but I’m not so sure anymore. I think I’ll be able to move past him faster and healthier with Dr. Duncan’s guidance.”
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Felix said, his eyes warm and kind.
“I know I need to work on loving and accepting the parts of me I was made to feel ashamed of,” Jo continued, “and that’s a lot easier when you’re with me, loving and accepting every part of me already. I want to learn how to go easier on myself so you aren’t stuck having to reassure me all the time. Because the truth is, Felix, even though I came to Ashville to figure out who I am on my own, being with you has shown me who I was deep down all along. That’s who I want to be for the rest of my life.”
The pride on his face was unmistakable. Jo felt pretty dang proud herself.
Then his expression shifted, taking on that contemplative look again. “Jo, I think I haven’t been… wait, it’s not my turn yet. Is there anything else you wanted to say?”
“Um, yeah, hang on.” She pulled her phone out of her purse and opened her notes app.
“You wrote it down?” he asked, breaking into a gentle grin.
She smiled back. “Aida’s idea.”
“Brilliant,” he said, dipping a large piece of sugared crust into the melty ice cream. “Wish I’d thought of it.”
She scrolled through the bullet points of her script. Right. This part. “So… I’m trying to stop apologizing too much, but I do owe you an apology.”
“What for?”
Jo reached for him, needed to touch him. Felix met her halfway, but she stretched her hand beyond his and clasped his wrist instead. He did the same to her in return. His pulse beat under the heel of her hand, a rhythmic thrum that steadied her.
“I know you’re not him, Felix,” she said, softly but firmly. “It was wrong of me to compare you, and I’m so sorry I even put you two in the same sentence. I spent so long defending him, even though he didn’t deserve it, that it became second nature to me. I reacted badly when you said those things about him. Which, for the record, he did deserve. You were right. He’s a douchebag of the highest order.”
Felix lifted their joined hands and kissed the back of her wrist. He ran his lips over her skin, his stubble prickling. “I understand, Jo. I accept your apology, and I forgive you.”
“I want to tell you everything,” she said, blinking back tears. “Not right now, not in public, but if we stay together, I want you to know all of it. If… if you’re okay with hearing it.”
Felix looked taken aback. “Of course I want to hear it. Whatever you’re comfortable sharing. Why wouldn’t I?”
She shrugged one shoulder and lowered her gaze. “You stopped asking me about it. I assumed you didn’t want to know.”
Abruptly, Felix got up and came around the table, squeezing onto the bench beside her. His arms went around her, and she leaned into him. “I’m sorry, cari?o. I stopped asking because it always seemed to hurt you when I brought him up, even inadvertently. I thought it would be better to make it about us and how much I cared about you, rather than about him. Clearly, I was wrong.”
“Oh.” A tear slipped down her face, even though she was trying really fucking hard not to cry in this diner right now. She took a couple of breaths to collect herself, smelling cloves and vanilla. “I forgive you. Your heart was in the right place.”
“Maybe, but I should have talked to you about it instead of assuming.”
“I mean, yeah, obviously.” She nudged him in the side.
Felix grinned and kissed Jo’s forehead, sending warmth flooding through her, all the way down to her toes.
As he returned to his side of the booth, Jo picked up her fork and speared a chunk of gooey, cinnamon-y apple. “Okay, gorgeous,” she said. “Your turn.”
“I want us to be together too,” Felix said, cutting to the chase the way she had. He watched Jo press her lips together, holding back a smile that made her eyes sparkle. “But what I was going to say earlier is that I think I haven’t been entirely fair to you, and I’m sorry for that.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
He blew out a breath, puffing out his cheeks. “My life in Ashville was very lonely before I met you, Jo. I saw Tito on Sundays, and Peggy and I were friendly enough, but that was it. I barely even spoke to Leni before we started working on MnM together. I was so busy with my family when I first moved here that I didn’t try to meet people or keep up with my grad school friends, and next thing I knew, I had been here for months, and it felt too late to do anything about it and… that’s not the point.”
Felix pitched forward and met Jo’s gaze, his focus solely on her. He gripped the edge of the bench to steady himself. His fingers dug in so hard he thought he might punch through the vinyl to the padding underneath. “The point is that from the night we went to Stan’s together I knew that being with you was the happiest I’d been since moving to Ashville. You were the first real friend I had in this town, and I was desperate to hold onto that. I stopped caring if things were moving too fast or if I was being too honest because I was so fucking happy with you.”
“I’m waiting for the part where this is unfair to me,” Jo said breathlessly. “Because it sounds pretty damn lovely so far.”
That made Felix smile, and the tension in his hands relaxed. “I’m beginning to realize that I put too much of my own happiness on you. Since you’ve been the only thing in my life that brings me joy, it was all the more painful when you shied away to try to protect yourself. It was unfair to put that on you, and it was unfair to ask for your unconditional trust so soon. I’m still figuring things out, but I think… I think I wanted you to believe I’ll love you no matter what because it would hurt me less. But I can’t make you responsible for my happiness, especially not while you’re still getting past Jeremy. I need to slow down and let you move forward in your own time. And I need to learn how to find happiness elsewhere, not just with you.”
“Wow.” Jo blinked and cocked her head. “How did you get to be so introspective?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of reading. The library in this town has some pretty good books, you know,” he said with a grin. “Actually, I’m also trying to find a therapist, but the wait times are ridiculous.”
“Right?” she cried. “It’s the worst. I basically had to beg the psych at White Hills for a referral without sounding like I was begging.”
“Damn,” Felix said. “Think I could pass for mid-seventies? Maybe I can move in with Tito and go see that person.”
She squinted at him, considering. “Not quite enough gray yet, old man.”
He swore again with a dramatic shake of his head. He nabbed one last bite of pie before nudging the plate toward Jo to let her finish it off. She was quiet as she dragged the tines of her fork through the softened ice cream, leaving four deep grooves behind.
“I appreciate you explaining all of that to me,” she said. “There have been moments when I worried about how fast things were going, but there was a part of me that also stopped caring. That night, when you told me you loved me, I…” The emotion in her voice cut off her words. She blinked to clear her eyes and offered him a soft smile. “I guess I was pretty fucking happy too.”
“I do love you, Jo,” he said emphatically. “I love you, and I want you. I want to give you all the time you need and learn how to support you with your therapy and figure out how to balance my own life better.”
“Felix…” His name on her lips was a whisper, a breath, a sigh.
“There’s something else I’d like you to know,” he said. Jo nodded for him to continue. “Ashville never felt like home to me. A lot of that was my own doing, and not just because I was lonely. I saw living here as being stuck in a holding pattern. I was glad to do whatever was necessary for Tito, but I never appreciated this town or wanted to settle down here. Not until you. The night you walked into Tito’s house and asked about our family photos, and the next morning, when I woke up in your arms—that’s when things began to change.”
She was staring at him, unblinking, her attention rapt.
“I used to feel like I can’t leave Ashville. Now… I don’t want to,” he said. “You and Tito are here, of course, but so are Leni and Peggy and Greg and the regulars at MnM who know me by name. I feel like my work is actually starting to make a difference in this community. I care about the library’s budget not just for my own sake but also for the programs this town would lose. I still have my dreams, and I still want to pursue them. But, Jo, you made me see that I can have a life I love here and now. And I want that life to be with you.”
“Okay.”
“I know, I know,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I just talked about slowing down. I won’t rush you into anything. I meant what I said about giving you whatever time you need. But what I’d like you to know, cari?o, is that I’m in this for the long haul.”
“Felix.” Her expression softened with affection. “I already said okay.”
He was so wrapped up in getting out his thoughts (he really should have written this down) that it took a moment for his brain to catch up. “Okay what?”
“Okay, let’s do it,” she declared. “I’m in this for the long haul too, gorgeous. I love you, and I love Ashville. I want you—I want us to be happy here. Let’s make this place home.”
Incandescent. That was the only word in Felix’s mind when he looked at Jo’s face. Round cheeks glowing, eyes sparkling, smile beaming. She was sunshine itself, burning hotter and brighter and fiercer than the light outside the window.
He pushed to his feet and leaned over the table, his shirt dragging across melted ice cream and sticky apple filling. Jo shoved their coffee glasses out of his way and raised her face to meet him. Felix cupped her cheeks, let anticipation build for a split second, and kissed her—deeper, harder, more true, more real than any other time he’d kissed her. She parted her lips, and her tongue dove into his mouth. Fuck, she tasted better than he remembered. Her fingers tangled in his hair, pulling ever so slightly and sending blood straight to his cock, which was currently pressed against the edge of the table. He barely restrained himself from groaning.
“Woo!” a voice yelled. “Get it, girl!”
Jo burst out laughing, throwing her head back with glee. Felix scanned the diner and found every single person staring at them. Even the waitstaff.
“Uh, you want to get out of here?” he muttered.
“Mmm… that shirt needs to come off,” she replied in that motherfucking sexy sphynx voice he hadn’t heard since Indi-Con. Her eyes trailed lazily down his dessert-covered chest. Then, in a quick, clipped tone, she added, “And go in the laundry so it doesn’t stain.”
“My good girl. Such a fucking tease,” he whispered, low and heated, and watched Jo’s pupils go wide with desire.
She leaned into the aisle. “Can we get the check, please?”