Epilogue
Transcript of reunion show: six months later
Miles: So, my darlings! It’s so good to see you all here! Have you missed me?
Multiple contestants: No. No. Definitely not. Fuck, no.
Miles: Oh, come now! I’ve missed all of you! We’re all here to catch up, so let’s dive in, shall we? I must start with Chase and Pauline. How is life in the Big Apple?
Chase: Couldn’t be better, man. Business is booming, and every night I get to come home to this sexy French lady. ( Cuddles Pauline )
Miles: Pauline, I hear two interesting pieces of information about you. First, that you’re still … ahem, working, and second, that you’ll be back on our screens again soon?
Pauline: Oui. Chase and I decided that I shouldn’t quit my career simply because we are in love. I am now the most popular call girl in NYC, for those who can afford me, no?
Miles: Well, that’s very … enlightened of you both. And the show?
Pauline: Bravo, they are filming a series about my work. Diary of a French Call-girl in New York will be airing next month.
Chase: I couldn’t be prouder of you, babe. Now the whole world can see how fuckin’ amazing you are. ( Long kiss with large amount of tongue )
Miles: That’s wonderfully weird. Speaking of peculiar couples, may I enquire about the threesome the world can’t stop staring at. Babette, Mila and Loris, how’s things?
Babette: They are perfect! We just spent a month in Paris, and after this, we are off to the Swiss Alps for some naked sauna time. ( Giggles and kisses Mila across Loris’ lap )
Miles: And you three have a show as well?
Mila: Da. Just the Three of Us is the most popular show in Europe. We are breaking down stereotypes about love and proving you don’t have to be a couple to be in a committed relationship.
Miles: Yeah … so, how the hell does that work?
Loris: It is easy! I love Mila and I love Babette and they love each other, ja ? It is love, there is just more of us.
Miles: Lars, what do you think of your brother’s new relationship?
Lars: It is good! I am happy for them, and I cannot judge since I am the next Bachelor, and will be dating 20 girls at once, ja ?
Miles: Smiles all round, then? Rafaela, you’re looking serious as usual. How do you feel after the reveal that you were the person who slept with Dante on the island?
Rafaela: Since I guessed it and won an extra half a million dollars, I feel excelente . Where I come from, women know how to give a rough ride and enjoy themselves, no matter how horrivel the man is. Dante won’t forget being in my bed in a hurry.
Miles: And you’ll be sharing your sexual knowledge with the masses on the Discovery channel?
Rafaela: Sim. The Dominatrix shows women how to take what they want when it comes to the bedroom.
Miles: Ladies, be sure to tune in for that one. Now, Beau, although you and the princess knocked boots, you’re still single at the moment?
Beau: Hopefully not for long, ya’ll. Now the farm is finally safe, I can turn all my attention to finding a lady to be my wife. I’ve been approached by the producers to star in a show called Ship of Lust . They want to line me up with some girls—apparently there’s been some, uh, interest from my female fans.
Miles: I can only imagine. Well, good luck, yee-ha and all that. And our other single, Aanya, you’ve also raised quite a stir since returning home, yes?
Aanya: I have been very blessed. With the money from the show, I have been able to pursue my humanitarian works in Mumbai.
Miles: That’s not the only work I hear you’ve been doing. You’ve just wrapped a Bollywood film, right?
Aanya: (Blushes ) It is true. I agreed to shoot the movie as long as half the proceeds went to starting a school in the slums. Isle of Love is the romantic tale of a girl who goes to a tropical island searching for a husband, and instead discovers who she really is.
Miles: Looking forward to seeing you singing and dancing on screen soon! Speaking of singing divas—Clara, fresh from your latest tour, I believe?
Clara: As if you don’t fucking know. The whole world knows my name now, bitch.
Miles: Indeed. The catchy ‘FML’ has been dominating radio play worldwide for almost twelve weeks now, while your surprisingly moving second single, ‘Power is Letting Go,’ has garnered critical acclaim. So, what’s next for you both?
Clara: Motherhood, apparently.
( Stunned silence )
Miles: Toshi … is this true?
Toshi: Hai. Clara is with child.
Miles: Well, this is quite a surprise!
Clara: Not to us, fuck-knuckle! This was planned. I’ve always wanted to be a young mother, and I’ll do a fucking amazing job, you fucking watch.
Miles: Alright …
Clara: You can all fucking watch. Our show, My Mom’s a Pop Star , will be airing internationally next year. Pink does family and career, and I’m gonna make her look like a fucking hack. Right, baby?
Toshi: Hai, my beautiful songbird. ( Kissing, with some groping )
Miles: Gosh, how exciting! Did the rest of you know about this?
Meghan: The girls and I did. We chat once a week, on Skype, and I’ll be visiting Melbourne to see Tara on my way back from New Zealand in a few months.
Miles: So, you’ve made your choice then? Nik is the man for you?
Meghan: I love both Nik and Callum, and I’m not ready to pick anyone just yet. Three weeks on an island wasn’t enough to base the decision of a lifetime on, so I gave myself a year. In the last six months since the show finished, I’ve spent time at home, getting to know Callum again, introducing him to my ma and pa.
Miles: Did you make amends with Meghan’s family, Callum?
Callum: Sure did. I can never give Han’s family back everything they lost, but I have spent time and money helping them renovate their house. It gave me a great idea. With the rest of my cash, I’ve started up a business called Second Chance. We employ at-risk youth to work alongside our qualified builders, helping them learn a trade. It’s been grand!
Miles: And how do you feel about Meghan spending half a year in New Zealand?
Callum: She knows I love her, and I’ll wait forever for her. Nik’s a good guy, but he’s got a fight on his hands. ( Stares Nik down, then laughs )
Nik: ( Laughing too ) Cheers, bro. Happy to fight for Megs. Can’t wait to show her everything Tane and I have been up to since the show. The NZ government is helping me to fund a film about Maori culture, due to start production next year.
Miles: Wonderful! So many different happy endings, it’s such a shame not all of you can be here to celebrate. Is anyone missing Dante?
( Groans and swearing )
Miles: It must be comforting to you, Jen, knowing he is serving life in an Italian prison. They are not known for their hospitality, I believe.
Jen: I believe in justice. His current fate was well earned.
Miles: Still hung up on your accidental bungy jump?
Jen: That, and his attempt to rape and murder my friend.
Miles: Yes … well… anyway, how are things in Zimbabwe?
Jen: They are wonderful. Aren’t they, Henry?
Henry: Yes, rather. At the risk of sounding too excitable, it’s been like a glorious dream, working alongside this gorgeous woman. Our documentary series, Royal African Safari , has helped raise funds beyond our wildest dreams and was just signed for a second season. Next week, we open our sixth orphanage, and third clinic, plus we’ll be travelling to NYC to raise awareness for increased African adoptions.
Miles: So, you’ve both been working hard?
Henry: Yes, in between copious amounts of sex. My wife has a rather voracious appetite, you know. ( Kisses Jen )
Jen: You knew what you were getting into, husband!
Miles: The English media just about had a meltdown when you two announced your nuptials. The pictures of the two of you on the African savannah with the sun setting were just stunning. Was it just you and the lions, or did anyone else join you on the big day?
Jen: Our families were there, and we have their blessing.
Henry: Yes, my parents were relieved I’m not gay, but they genuinely love Jen too. How could you not? ( More kissing )
Jen: We also snuck a few close friends over to join us as well.
Miles: Anyone I know?
Jen: Clara and Toshi, and Megs, Callum and Nik.
Henry: We had a few wedding crashers, a couple of rowdy Aussies …
Chris: Watch it, mate! You were drunker than me that night!
Tara: Actually, you were both hammered. I found you together, cuddling a plastic giraffe at 2am in the hotel lobby.
Henry: I’ll have you know, that giraffe was a scintillating conversationalist.
( Much laughter from the friends )
Miles: So, is it safe to say, there’s a bro-mance brewing here?
Chris: Bro-mance? I dunno, but I’d be happy to call this guy my brother.
Henry: Same to you, sir. ( They hug )
Miles: It’s nice to see you both getting along, especially after the rocky start on the show.
Chris: Water under the bridge, mate. This is one royal who actually acts like a gentleman. He even kept his word to Tara and her sister.
Miles: Yes, I heard you’ve been investing in Australian real estate.
Henry: Well, not me, exactly, but the other charity I funded with my winnings, Wheely Good , has been very busy sourcing housing for young paraplegics all around Australia. Ella was the first recipient of a wheelchair-friendly home. We were right there, helping her move in a few months ago, and now we’ve assisted over a hundred other young people do the same.
Miles: How very noble! Tara, is your sister happy?
Tara: Ella loves her new place. She’s exactly halfway between our parents’ new house and me, and she’s found more confidence since moving out of the rehab centre. I never thought I’d say this again, but she’s happy. Especially when we told her she’s going to be a bridesmaid.
Miles: I thought I spotted a ring on your finger—a rock that big is hard to miss!
Tara: Yup. I’m gonna be Mrs Coffee.
Chris: How do you feel about wearing an apron down the aisle?
Tara: ( Poking him in the side ) Lucky I love you, coffee boy.
Chris: Love you too, babe. ( A long kiss )
Miles: So, is it true we’ll get to see behind the scenes of your big day?
Tara: We’ve been asked to film a series about the wedding, as well as a sexy version of The Amazing Race and a couples version of So You Think You Can Dance , but we’re leaving our options open for now. After our time on the island, it’s nice to have a little privacy for a while.
Miles: You must have been relieved to discover there were never any cameras in the bathrooms or the fantasy cabins.
Tara: Well, it certainly made introducing Chris to my parents a little less awkward after it turned out they’d been watching the show with the rest of the world. ( Laughs ) Mind you, if I’d know that, I wouldn’t have described everything that went on behind closed doors in such detail. Oh well.
Miles: So, Tara, as the most popular of all the contestants, you’ve been inundated with fan mail and TV show offers. What’s next for you?
Tara: After the wedding, we want to travel, spend some more time helping out Henry and Jen in Africa, and I promised to be around for Clara the first few weeks after the baby comes. After that, I don’t know. Life is an adventure, and as long as Chris is beside me, I don’t care what happens next.
Miles: What did you learn from your time on Erotic Island?
Tara: So much. I learned to not judge anyone, because we’re all fighting battles no one knows anything about. I discovered I was stronger than I ever thought I was, and that I’m worthy of being loved. But mostly, I learned that fear destroys and love builds. And I want to build my life with this man here. ( Kisses Chris and they smile at each other )
Miles: A beautiful answer. Well, viewers, that’s it for now! We hope you’ve enjoyed this season of Erotic Island —we’ll be taking your votes for which show you’d like to see next on our website, so get voting to see your favourite contestant again. From all of us here on the island, good night!
( Fade to credits )