Chapter 29
A darkness crossed Henry’s eyes, and I wanted to die.
He squeezed his eyes shut, and I knew I’d blown it. I’m a fucking idiot.
“Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry. I should never have let it go this far.”
I pulled back from him. A lump solidified in my throat as I rolled to the side and went to push off the bed.
He grabbed my arm. “Jane, please let me speak.”
I sat rigid, my back to him, my chin dimpling as I fought the tears burning my eyes.
“What we have is beautiful. Special. But you’re confusing lust with love.”
I swallowed loudly. So loudly, I was certain he would’ve heard it.
“You don’t love me, Jane. You don’t know anything about me.”
I flicked a wayward tear away. “That’s not true. I feel you. I feel us. That’s what matters.”
“Not at my age, it doesn’t.”
I spun to look at him. “Your age has never been a problem.”
“Not for sex. No.” He lowered his hand to cover the back of mine and squeezed. “I’m in a different time of my life. I’m about to be a grandfather, for goodness sake. You, Jane, need to be with a man who wants to start a family with you.”
“What if I don’t want a family?” The words were half-hearted because I knew it wasn’t true. I did want children, but even more than that, I wanted a family.
“No. That’s not true.” Henry read my mind. “You’ve mentioned your friend’s kids enough times that I know how much you love children.”
I sucked in a shaky breath. “So, you don’t love me.” My dimpled chin made it nearly impossible to talk.
“Oh, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. Which is why I need to let you go. You need to find a man to spend the rest of your life with. A man who’ll give you a family. A man who you can grow old with.”
“I want to grow old with you.”
“Oh, Jane. You’re just beginning your life.” His voice had a velvet touch. “And I’m not going to get in the way of that.”
A sob released from my throat, and I twisted away from him.
“I never meant to hurt you.” He wriggled behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “I’m sorry . . . but this is what’s best for you.”
“You are what’s best for me.”
He sighed. “For now, maybe. But what about in ten years’ time, when you’re forty and you haven’t had children? You’ll look back with regret. I won’t do that to you.”
His speech was nearly identical to the one I’d said to Billy. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing tears to trickle down my cheeks.
Henry curled to my side, then fell to his knees at my feet. I opened my eyes, and he thumbed a tear from my cheek.
“I’ve had the most incredible year with you.” His words were calm, soothing, and a complete contrast to the torrent raging through my brain. “I was dead inside when we met in January. Now, I’m alive. You’ve brought out the best in me, and I’ve loved every minute. But now that your challenge is over, it’s time for you to set new challenges for yourself.”
“I wish I’d never told you about that.”
“I don’t.” He cupped my cheek. “Please don’t be mad. Be happy that we’ve had this time together. It was special.”
I blinked the blur away and looked right into his eyes. “It is special.”
He eased up on his knees, and when he wrapped his arms around me, the dam that I’d been struggling to hold back opened. Tears poured from my eyes down my cheeks and fell onto his bare back.
I wrapped my arms around him too, and as I cried on his shoulder, he continued to whisper sensibilities into my ear.
I felt like a fool.
A stupid, na?ve fool.
He released me, cupped my cheek, and forced me to look into his eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry that I let it go this far.”
“I’m not.”
He sighed, and his shoulders sagged. “No, you’re correct. I’m truly honored to have shared this experience with you. I know you’ll find someone. Someone truly special that you want to spend the rest of your life with.”
“You—”
He touched his finger to my lips. “I’m not, Jane. You’re blinded by our amazing sex. The man you love will give you amazing sex, too.” He stood, then leaned over to kiss my forehead. “Thank you for giving me my life back. I hope one day you’ll understand why I did this, and you’ll forgive me.”
It took me a few seconds to realize he wanted me to go.
As a prisoner of my new brutal reality, I allowed him to help me stand. I dressed in my trench coat, tugged the buttons into place, and tied my belt. Henry gathered my other bits and pieces from the floor and put them into my handbag.
He placed my bag over my shoulder, cupped my cheek, and kissed my forehead. “I will never forget you.”
I blinked up at his eyes, hardly able to believe this was goodbye. Silently, I turned and somehow made it to his door, and when he opened it for me, I refused to look at him as I stepped through and walked away from my suave tutor for the last time.
I was so numb that even tears failed to flow. My heart was a lump of lead in my chest that weighed me down with every step I took toward my apartment.
I went through the motions of having a shower, and in a brain fog, I stepped into my PJs and crawled into bed.
Normally, I’d spend this time writing in my diary.
Pouring out all my crazy thoughts had become my therapy.
Instead, all my stupid thoughts were trapped in my brain, whizzing around on a roulette wheel of hell.
My broken heart was a brutal realization that I was about to end this year exactly how I’d started it . . . single.
It was impossible to comprehend that after fifty-two weeks, fifty-two sexual experiences with so many wonderful men, and I was still all alone.
Something changed in me. I knew it—I felt it as if it were a pimple on the end of my nose, but I couldn’t decipher what it was.
I just hoped I’d be able to deal with it when I figured it out.
I closed my eyes and prayed that the wheel of hell spinning in my mind would stop.
Or I may not come off this mental cliff I’ve crashed into.