Chapter Thirty-Seven
Parker
“N o,” I say as I walk to her. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere ever again.”
“I don’t want you here!”
“Why? Because I fucked up when I was seventeen?”
“Yeah. Exactly. You fucked up, and I’m not going to give you or anyone else the chance to do it again,” she screams.
I turn and jerk my jeans on. “Damn it, Audrey. You stand behind a bar, observing people. You analyze and judge them, and then you sit on your throne of superiority, convinced that you’re better than them because you refuse to let yourself feel those same emotions. You won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. But at least they’re being genuine. At least they’re truly living. You’re just existing in your glass tower.”
“Superiority? I don’t think I’m superior to anyone,” she sputters.
“You could have fooled me,” I say as I grab my shoes and start for the door.
“Fuck you, Parker. You don’t get to waltz back into my life and judge me.”
I whirl back around to face her. “I get it, okay? I’m the asshole who left,” I admit. “I’ve apologized for that over and over. But you won’t hear me. You wear your anger like a suit of armor so nothing and no one can touch you. But it’s bullshit. You’re just afraid to let yourself be loved because then you’d have to trust in something … in someone other than yourself, and that scares the shit out of you.
“I’m sorry I abandoned you, Audi. I was a stupid kid who made the wrong choices. I was scared and unprepared. And I was too damn blind to see that you were just as scared. You needed me, and I let you down. I got that. But I’m not a kid anymore. I’m a man. And the man I am now wouldn’t leave you. Not ever again.”
“You’re right. I am angry. I’m still fucking furious. You don’t know what it was like for me!” she cries.
“You’re right. I don’t. I couldn’t possibly. But I know what it was like for me, and it was hell.”
“You have no idea what hell is.”
“Then, tell me.”
“Do you really want to know? You want to hear how I had to sit down and tell my parents that night? My dad lost it. He couldn’t even look at me for weeks. I begged him not to go out looking for you. I defended you, telling him how much we were in love. Do you want to understand the pain I was in? I didn’t speak about it because I thought it was normal. But it got so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and my mother rushed me back to the emergency room. I developed an infection after the D and C. I was in the hospital for three days. I called you over and over, only to find out from your mother that you’d left. When my father found out, he took great pleasure in letting me know he was right about you. I fell into a deep depression. It felt so dark; I didn’t want to be here anymore. The doctors said it was a combination of my hormones trying to regulate and typical teenage angst.” She lets out an incredulous laugh. “Normal teenage angst? Can you fucking believe that?”
Shit . I knew it wasn’t pretty, but hearing it was so much worse than I imagined makes me sick.
“They put me on medications that made me feel like a zombie. I just didn’t care about anything—not eating, not my classes, or my friends. Eventually, my mom got tired of trying to force me to go to school, and I stopped going altogether. I missed out on everything—homecoming, senior prom, and even graduation. I mostly just stayed in my room and barely got out of bed.”
I approach her. Although she raises her hands and begins to back up, she allows me to reach her. I gently take her face in my hands.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” I say as tears stream down her cheeks.
She starts shaking her head, and I let go. Then, she twists and begins to walk away. I wrap my arms around her from behind and hold her tightly.
“I’m so fucking sorry. I should have been here,” I say into her hair, and her body starts to tremble with her cries.
We sink to the floor, and I hold her tightly as she lets it all out. All the pain and anger flow from her, and I absorb every ounce until she goes limp against my chest.
Once her tears subside, she looks up at me. Her hand traces the tattoo that starts on her shoulder and winds down around her arm—a vine adorned with big, beautiful roses. She rolls her arm to reveal the underside, where one unopened bloom sits among the others on the vine. Gently, she fingers the ink, and then her eyes meet mine.
“Emily Rose,” she whispers, her eyes welling with tears once again.
It finally hits me. The baby was real for her. It wasn’t just an “it.” It was a “she,” and Audrey loved her. Her rose that never had the chance to bloom.
I felt relieved because I thought the universe had resolved our dilemma, giving us more time to live and grow up ourselves. I was happy for the second chance at being a carefree kid, but she had already fallen in love with our baby. When our baby died, I left her to grieve alone and went off on a boat.
I bring my hand up and cup her bicep and squeeze.
“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve a place in the life you’ve rebuilt for yourself. I was a coward, and I deserted you. I should have been here for everything, and I’d give anything to go back. But I can’t, baby. I can’t change what I did, but I swear to God, if you’ll have me, I’ll never leave you again. No matter what life throws at us, I’ll hold you and love you through it all for the rest of our lives. You’ll never have to face anything alone again.”
“Something inside of me is broken, Parker, and you can’t fix it.”
I slide my hand down her arm and clasp her wrist. I lift it to my lips and place a gentle kiss on the delicate skin.
“I don’t want to fix it. I just want to share it,” I whisper against her pulse point.
“Why? Why would you want any part of this pain?”
I bring my eyes to hers.
“Because it’s my pain too. You’ve carried it by yourself long enough. It’s time for me to bear my half.”
We sit here in silence, holding each other for what feels like hours.
Eventually, she places her hand over mine and tilts her face up. “Okay,” she murmurs in surrender before sealing her mouth to mine.
It is a soft, slow, salty kiss, mixed with both our tears, shed for the loss that we endured all those years ago. It’s full of forgiveness and love as we both finally let go.
It’s the best damn kiss of my life.