Chapter 16
Tammy
I woke in darkness to the sound of Ripplan's breathing.
Beside me.
Still beside me.
I turned my head slowly, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness.
He was there, a massive shape in my bed, lying on his back with one arm thrown over his head.
His chest rose and fell in the steady rhythm of sleep.
In the dim light, I could just make out the strong line of his jaw, the curve of his tusks, the way his dark hair fell across his forehead.
He'd stayed.
He never stayed.
Every other time over the past couple of weeks, he'd left before dawn.
Sometimes immediately after, pulling on his jeans and boots with barely a word.
Sometimes he'd hold me for a while, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on my skin, but he always left.
Always went back to the main house or his own quarters or wherever it was he went when he wasn't with me.
But tonight, he'd stayed.
Something tightened in my chest, something I didn't want to name.
I shifted slightly, trying to get more comfortable without waking him. The movement made the bed creak softly, and Ripplan's breathing changed. His arm came down, and I felt his hand find my hip in the darkness, pulling me closer with easy strength.
"You're awake," he rumbled, his voice rough with sleep.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't." His thumb stroked along my hipbone, a gentle, absent gesture that made my heart skip. "Just aware of you."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. Just let myself be pulled against his side, my head finding the hollow of his shoulder like it belonged there. His skin was warm, and I could feel his heartbeat under my palm, steady and strong.
We lay like that for a while, neither of us speaking. The silence should have been awkward, but it wasn't. It felt comfortable. Safe. Like we'd done this a thousand times before instead of never.
"You stayed," I said finally, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Yeah."
"You never stay."
His hand stilled on my hip. "I know."
"Why tonight?"
He was quiet for so long I thought he might not answer. Then he said, "You needed me to."
The words hit me square in the chest. Simple. Direct. True.
I had needed him to stay. After everything with Craig, after the fear and the anger, I'd needed Ripplan to stay. To be here. To remind me that I was safe.
And somehow, he'd known that.
"Thank you," I whispered.
His arm tightened around me. "Don't thank me for that."
Another silence fell, but this one felt heavier. Weighted with all the things we weren't saying. All the questions I was afraid to ask and the answers I was terrified to hear.
But I had to know. I couldn't keep doing this without understanding what it meant. What we were becoming to each other.
"Ripplan?" My voice came out smaller than I intended. "What are we doing?"
I felt him tense beneath me. Not pulling away, but going still in that way he did when he was thinking. Trying to figure out the right answer.
"I don't know," he said finally.
The honesty of it hurt more than a lie would have. I'd been hoping for something. Some declaration, some certainty, some sign that he felt even a fraction of what I was feeling. But all I got was I don't know.
I should have left it there. Should have accepted the answer and gone back to sleep and pretended everything was fine. But I couldn't. The words were already rising in my throat, desperate and raw.
"All my friends are mated to Orcs," I said quietly. "Jordan and Kelsey and the others. And their mates look at them like they're the most precious thing in the world. Like they'd burn down everything to keep them safe."
I felt his chest rise and fall beneath my cheek. Felt the way his breathing had changed, becoming more deliberate. More controlled.
"Ruka brings Jordan flowers every morning," I continued, the words spilling out now.
"Just wildflowers he picks on his way back from patrol.
And Kelsey's mate, Jurik, he learned to bake because she mentioned once that she missed her mother's cookies.
He spent months perfecting the recipe." My throat tightened.
"They're so sweet to them. So devoted. And I see that, and I want... "
I stopped, the words catching. Because what I wanted felt too big, too much, too dangerous to say out loud.
"What do you want, Tammy?" Ripplan's voice was low, careful. Like he was afraid of the answer.
"I want what they have," I whispered. "I want someone who looks at me like I'm their whole world. Who makes me feel cherished and safe and loved. I want that kind of bond. That kind of certainty." I swallowed hard. "I want to matter to someone that much."
The silence that followed felt endless. I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears, could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. I'd said too much. Revealed too much. He was going to pull away now, going to tell me this was just sex, that I was reading too much into it.
"I don't know if I can give you that."
The words were so quiet I almost didn't hear them. But they landed like stones in my chest, heavy and cold.
"Oh." I started to pull away, humiliation burning through me. "I understand. I shouldn't have—"
"Wait." His arm tightened, keeping me against him. "Let me finish."
I went still, barely breathing.
"I'm not like Ruka or Jurik," Ripplan said slowly, like he was choosing each word with care.
"I'm not soft. I don't know how to be sweet or romantic or any of those things you're talking about.
I don't pick flowers or bake cookies or...
" He stopped, and I heard him take a breath. "I don't know how to be gentle."
My chest ached. "Ripplan, that's not true. The way you touch me is the gentlest thing I've ever known."
He was quiet for a moment, like my words had caught him off guard.
Then he continued, his voice growing stronger.
"But I can be steadfast. I can be strong.
I can protect you from anything that tries to hurt you.
I can stand between you and the whole damn world if that's what it takes to keep you safe.
" His hand came up to cup the back of my head, his fingers threading through my hair.
"I can be your champion, Tammy. Your shield.
The one who fights for you when you can't fight for yourself. "
I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "That's not nothing."
"It's not flowers and cookies."
"I don't need flowers and cookies." The words came out fierce, almost angry. "I need someone who won't leave. Someone who won't try to control me or diminish me or make me feel small. Someone who sees me, really sees me, and doesn't run away." My voice cracked. "I need someone who stays."
His thumb stroked along my scalp, gentle despite his claims. "I stayed tonight."
"I know."
"I'll stay tomorrow night too. And the night after that." He paused. "If you want me to."
"I want you to." The admission felt like stepping off a cliff.
"I want..." I stopped, the words I love you right there on my tongue, desperate to be spoken.
But I couldn't. I was too afraid. Afraid it was too soon, too much, too real.
Afraid it would scare him away and I'd lose this before I'd even had a chance to understand it.
So instead, I said, "I don't want this to end."
I felt him exhale, like he'd been holding his breath. "Neither do I."
"Really?"
"Really." His voice was rough, almost raw.
"I don't know what this is, Tammy. I don't know what to call it or how to define it.
But I know I don't want it to stop. I know that when I'm not with you, I'm thinking about you.
When I am with you, I don't want to leave.
And the thought of you with anyone else...
" He stopped, and I felt his whole body tense.
"The thought of you with anyone else makes me want to tear things apart. "
My heart was hammering so hard I thought it might break through my ribs. "That's pretty intense."
"I know." He sounded almost apologetic. "I told you I'm not soft."
"No." I shifted, pushing myself up so I could look at him in the darkness.
I couldn't see his face clearly, but I could feel the heat of his gaze on me.
"You're not soft. But you're here. You stayed.
You're telling me you don't want this to end.
" I reached out, finding his face with my hand, tracing the strong line of his jaw.
His hand came up to cover mine, pressing my palm against his cheek. "You deserve more than that."
"Maybe." I leaned down, brushing my lips against his. "But this, what we have right now, it's enough. You're enough."
He made a sound low in his throat, something between a growl and a groan, and then he was pulling me down, kissing me with an intensity that stole my breath. But it was different this time. Slower. Deeper. Like he was trying to tell me something he didn't have words for.
I kissed him back, pouring everything I couldn't say into it. All the feelings I was too afraid to name. All the hope and fear and desperate, aching need.
When we finally broke apart, we were both breathing hard.
"Tammy," he said, my name rough on his tongue.
"Yeah?"
"I need you." His hands were on my hips, pulling me over him. "Right now. I need..."
"I know." I did know. I could feel it in the way he was touching me, in the tension thrumming through his body. This wasn't just desire. This was something deeper. Something more.
Something that felt like a promise.
I straddled him, feeling him hard and ready beneath me. His hands slid up my sides, reverent and possessive all at once. When I sank down onto him, we both gasped. The sensation was overwhelming, perfect, right.
But he didn't move. Didn't thrust up into me or flip me over or take control the way he usually did. Instead, he just held me, his hands on my hips, his eyes locked on mine in the darkness.
"What?" I whispered.
"Just looking at you." His voice was thick. "Feeling you."
Something in my chest cracked open. Because this wasn't just sex. This wasn't him taking what he needed and leaving. This was him making love to me.
I'd had sex before, plenty of it. But I'd never had this. Never had someone look at me like I was something precious. Never had someone touch me like they were afraid I might break and desperate to hold me closer all at once.
Never had someone make love to me like it mattered.
"Ripplan," I breathed, and his name came out like a prayer.
"I've got you," he said roughly. "I've got you, Tammy."
I started to move, slow and deliberate, and he moved with me. His hands guided my hips, but he let me set the pace. Let me take what I needed. And all the while, he watched me. His gaze was intense and unwavering, like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.
"You're so beautiful," he said, his voice breaking slightly. "So damn beautiful."
I leaned down, kissing him as I moved. His lips met mine, and I felt the gentle press of his tusks against my mouth.
It felt perfect. Natural. Right. His tusks framed his mouth in a way that was uniquely him, and kissing him with them there only made me feel closer to him, more connected to every part of what made him who he was.
His arms came around me, holding me close, and I felt tears slip down my cheeks. Not from sadness, but from the overwhelming intensity of it all. The way he was touching me. The way he was looking at me. The way he was loving me, even if he couldn't say the words.
Even if I couldn't say them either.
When I came, it was with his name on my lips and his arms around me and the absolute certainty that nothing would ever be the same again. And when he followed me over the edge, he buried his face in my neck and held me like he was afraid to let go.
Afterward, we lay tangled together, our breathing gradually slowing. His hand stroked up and down my spine in long, soothing movements. I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek, steady and strong.
"Stay," I whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere," he promised.
I believed him.
I closed my eyes and let myself drift, safe in his arms, and thought about how sometimes the most important words weren't the ones you said out loud.
Sometimes they were the ones you showed instead.
And Ripplan had just shown me everything.