25. Excerpt from Ugly Truth
Melissa
“Just breathe.” I whispered to myself.
In and out. Fill your lungs. Hold. Exhale. In and out.
My heart pounded in my chest and even though all the lights were on, I felt stuck in the darkness. I’m alone. There’s no one I can call. Just the blaring sounds of loneliness and failure.
Balance escaped me, as I leaned on the stack of boxes to my left. Then I fell back against the counter before sliding to the floor. All the surrounding boxes reminded me of a small fort. My personal fort of self-destruction and doom.
Hot tears streamed down my cheeks, landing on my shirt, and I didn’t bother wiping them away. I just closed my eyes and gave in to the darkness, as it played a highlight reel from my most recent failures.
The drive home was peaceful, and the radio played my favorite songs. I couldn’t wait to get home to Keith and have a night off with him. Pulling into the driveway beside his car, I checked my phone for a message from him.
“Hmm, he must’ve just got home from work and hasn’t had a chance to message me yet.”
Leaving my purse on the seat, I went inside and didn’t see my husband anywhere. Then a female’s voice hit me from further in the trailer.
“Mm, yeah, Daddy. Is this what you like to see your baby girl do?”
Daddy?
Even though I’m a plus-sized girl, I walked softly when I needed to. And my gut told me this was one of those moments.
“Yeah, baby, spread yourself open so daddy can see your sweet pink pussy.”
Bile climbed up the back of my throat.
Please, don’t let me find him with another woman.
The door to our bedroom was open, and as I stepped into the doorway, I saw the skinny woman spread out, masturbating for my husband. He’s kneeling on the padded bench at the foot of the bed and oh look! He’s jacking off.
“I thought you were impotent.”
“Jesus! Missy!” He bounced off the bench and faced me.
“No. Not Jesus. Just your wife.”
The woman on the bed laughed. “You weren’t kidding about her being fat.”
“Bitsy, let me handle this.” He turned to give her a look. “And you should probably put your legs together.”
“Tell you what? Hey fattie. Check out what a pretty pussy looks like.” She lewdly spread herself open and then put her legs down. “Some men prefer women to look cute and petite.”
Nodding, I pressed my lips together and watched as she moved to get off the bed. “Oh, I’m sure they do, and they probably prefer them with a tight puss and not a gaping hole that looks like the whole San Fran Forty-niners ran a train on her.”
“Keith! Did you hear her?” Bitsy whined, and I turned, going back down the hall.
Standing in the kitchen at the sink, I’m stuck between disgust, relief, and anger. I heard him coming down the hall, which wasn’t a surprise. He always walked like a mob of people storming the place.
“Look, Missy, I was going to talk to you in the morning. I thought you had to work all night.”
“They didn’t need me.”
He reached up and scratched his long, stringy beard. “We don’t fit. You work all the time and won’t compromise with sex.”
“I work all the time because that’s how bills get paid. Well, at least how I pay bills. You refuse to keep a job for more than two to three months at a time.”
“That’s another thing. You criticize me all the time.”
“So because I work. And I point out we need you to work too. Oh! And I won’t shave my vagina for you to live out your little girl kink …” I looked up and fought the tears. “For that, I’m the bad guy?”
“I can’t handle your moods!” He slammed his fists on the counter. “You’ve got more fucking swings than a park! And when I don’t pay attention to your fat ass you pretend to commit suicide.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck. This. I’m done. Bitsy was nice and packed your bags. I took your name off the checking account and that envelope there by your hand is the divorce papers.”
The surrounding air grew heavier, and I had trouble breathing.
“Just like that?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. There’s nothing more to say. My itsy Bitsy is moving in with me. This was my place, so you can go.” He thumbed towards the door.
“Fuck you, Keith.”
“Way to be a poet with your words, Melissa.” I scolded myself and fell over onto my side.
I spent three nights sleeping in my car, and then I got smart.
Both cars we had were in my name. So I sold the one that would get me the most money. Then I found this shit-tastic apartment behind the local Port Stella laundromat.
The owner told me it was a quiet, old school studio apartment and it fit my budget, allowing me to work one job.
But here I sat.
Alone.
Pulling myself up, I tore through the boxes looking for a knife or pills, anything that might help me end the darkness. Or hell, maybe it would let the darkness swallow me. Or maybe there would be light in the end.
My phone pinged with a message.
It’s almost midnight. I don’t know anyone who would message me now.
Well, that wasn’t true. There’s one person and I haven’t talked to her in a while.
Box after box, I tore the tape off and rummaged through them, pausing when I heard the ping again. The light shone on something silver, and I pulled out my best steak knife.
Sitting back against the cabinet, I drew the blade lightly up my left arm. Little spots of blood appeared, and my tears fell faster.
My sobs filled the small apartment, and I tried to mentally make a pro and con list of why I shouldn’t just check out of this life.
I slammed my head back on the wooden door until my head throbbed and I grabbed my phone to see the messages from Izzy.
Hey there! Where have you been?
Mel? You there?
I’m here.
Where have you been?
Had to move. Just getting settled in the new place
Is everything okay?
I’m sure it will be
Remember, everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end
My head dropped to my knees and sobs wracked my body. Why does she always know what to say?
Mel?
I caught my husband cheating on me. Since the place we had was in his name, he kicked me out and now here I am in a place by myself. They fired me from the small pt job, since he was friends with the owner and then the other place where I clean fired me for a customer complaint.
But you still have the full-time job, right?
Yeah. They’re moving me to midnights.
Not all is lost then
Ugh, how can you be so positive?
My faith. God tells me not to worry, so I don’t. It’s in his hands
Ha! Now I know you must be crazy. God isn’t real
Oh, I assure you; he is very real
I’m glad that you believe, but me? I don’t
Why not?
Because he’s supposed to care about us and if he cares, why does he let bad things happen?
You think your husband cheating on you was a bad thing?
Um, yeah! Don’t you?
No. God timed it to show you the man he was. He opened your eyes and gave you the opportunity to move on.
Wait. Isn’t marriage forever for religious people?
When we listen to God and follow him, he won’t lead us astray. When we don’t listen, you end up in situations that will teach you his plan and give you a chance to come back
Not buying it, Iz
That’s okay, I can still pray for you
Whatever floats your goat
Are you doing okay? Do you need anything?
No. I’ll be okay
Work tomorrow?
Yep
I’ll talk to you then
Sounds good. Thanks, sweetie
Tossing my phone down, I thought about her words and then laughed. “Right. God gave me the opportunity to leave Keith and there’s someone better for me.”
I stood up and stretched and then unpacked some boxes before bed. Sometimes all I needed in the middle of the darkness was a reminder someone cared.
Isaiah
Sitting back in my chair, I looked at the messages again. I’d been talking to Mel for almost two years. There were times I thought she was a she, but I never asked. And now I know.
“Daddy?” Katherine’s sweet voice broke my train of thought.
“Yes, baby girl?”
“I think Jo-Jo’s having a bad dream.”
“I’ll go check on him.” Getting up from my chair, I scooped my little girl up, holding her on my hip. “Why are you up?”
“I thought a monster was under my bed, but then I realized it was him.”
“How about if we both go check on him?”
“I’d like that.” She laid her head on my shoulder, and we went upstairs to her brother’s room.
His blankets were everywhere, and his pillows were on the floor. Setting her down, she picked up his pillows and placed them back on his bed while I untangled the blankets and covered him back up.
“Dad?” His sleepy voice rasped.
“It’s me, Joel.”
“And me.” Kat climbed up on his bed and wrapped her arms around him. “You had a bad dream.”
“I’m sorry, Kat, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay. That’s what little sisters are for.” She squeezed him. “To look out for you.”
I took a seat on the edge of the bed. “Missing mom?”
“I don’t get it, Dad. Why did she leave us?”
My heart broke in my chest. She decided she didn’t want to be a mom or a wife anymore. Her partying and drug addiction became more important. However, I couldn’t tell that to my eight-year-old and six-year-old.
“She felt called away, son, and in the end, she felt she just had to go.”
“Jody said that mom was hanging with bad people and that’s what pulled her away.”
“Where did Jody hear that?”
“Her parents.”
“Well, that is part of it. Someday, it’ll be easier to understand the entire story.” I took his hand in mine.
“I pray for her.” Kat sat up. “But not for God to bring her home.”
“Why not bring her home?” Joel’s face scrunched up as he looked at his sister.
“She didn’t like me. I want God to bring me a mommy that likes me.”
“Well,” his small shoulder shrugged. “Maybe when mom comes home, she’ll like you.”
“Hey, now.” I took Kat’s hand in my other hand. “She loved you both the best she could.”
“I don’t know, dad.” Kat shrugged and shook her head. “I heared her yell at you sometimes and it made me think she didn’t like you either.”
Wow. She’s smart for a six-year-old.
“It’s heard, and sometimes when people disagree, it sounds like that.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”
Stretching out next to my son, I wrapped my arm around him and his sister, crooning hymns until they fell asleep.