CHAPTER SIXTEEN #2
I’m getting lost in the sea of memories.
The torrential downpour of tears drowns me and I fight against the storm thrashing in my chest. Ronnie’s gentle tone doesn’t skip a beat as she treasures her mother’s life.
I can’t be envious of a dead woman. That’s low, even for me.
But I’ve never seen a person loved so loudly.
My heart clenches painfully at what Nina is missing.
It’s breathtaking and tragic and has me ripped apart.
She should be here, wrapped in unconditional devotion. Not me.
“This is the last picture Daddy ever took of my mommy. It was right before I was born,” the little girl chirps. There’s not a hint of sorrow in her voice.
“She looks so happy,” I murmur softly.
“Yep,” Ronnie giggles. “That’s ’cause she was about to meet her miracle.”
I gasp and fling my weepy focus to Byron. His rapt attention is already on me. My eyes search his, pleading for the answer.
“Did she get to?”
His nod is a single dip.
Relief pours down my face in messy streaks. I must be puffy and splotchy beyond recognition. If ever there was a time to release the reins, it would be now. It’s almost like my soul is being cleansed.
Ronnie sighs while closing the photo album. The sound is full and content. Like everything is the way it’s meant to be. But I feel Nina’s absence. There’s a hole in this house that I didn’t comprehend until today.
Silence follows, allowing us to trudge through our emotions separately.
Mine are a disaster. I’m being pulled in conflicting directions.
The seams are pulled taut, seconds from snapping.
But Ronnie isn’t sad or upset. There’s a peaceful expression on her face.
Byron created happiness where many others would only experience the devastation of loss.
Nina’s life is celebrated the way it should be.
He’s kept her alive for their daughter. If he suffers with grief, he never lets it show. I’m in awe of this man.
“Who takes care of you?” It’s not the first time I’ve asked him, but my purpose has changed.
Ronnie wiggles off my lap. “I do! Wanna help?”
I force the needles in my throat down with a long swallow. “You’ve got it handled, kiddo.”
She pouts. “But Daddy likes you.”
As expected, Byron snorts his disagreement. “Frankie is here for you, cupcake.”
“For us,” she insists. “We’re family. Frannie wants to marry you and then she can be my new mommy.”
Air is punched out of me and I fold in half, hacking up a lung. “No, that’s not true.”
Byron crosses his tattooed arms over his chest, the beginning of a smirk teasing his lips. “Am I that bad?”
My puffy eyes narrow at him. “Don’t even start.”
Ronnie groans. “But you gotta fall in love and have a big huge wedding and make babies and then ride off into the sunset.”
A wave of dizziness crashes over me, spinning until I’m clutching at my throat. It’s like my windpipe is being squeezed under a crushing force and I can’t breathe. “Sorry, kiddo. That’s just… no. It’s not going to happen.”
“Why?” There’s a sharp whine in her voice that chips at my frozen heart.
A mountain of excuses stack on top of me. It’s cruel to deny her after what she’s shared. But I can’t give Ronnie what she wants. Byron can’t either.
There’s no chance this man has room for another profound love in his life. Even if he did, the last thing I want is to be considered for the role. We’d ruin each other. Boundaries exist for a reason and I’m staring him right in his ruggedly handsome face.
I’m not sure where we stand, but it’s not on equal ground.
A few rolls in the hay could be acceptable.
Our attraction is evident and mutual. Compatibility is a different thread I don’t plan to tug on.
But I’m not opposed to the idea of exploring our sexual chemistry.
That’ll be an impulsive decision, which is somewhat of a specialty. Maternal instincts are the opposite.
I gather Ronnie’s hands in mine. “This might be tough to hear, but I’m not marriage or mommy material.
You deserve so much more than I can give.
When you least expect it, someone very special will appear to make all your dreams come true.
Until then, I’ll be your nanny and friend and whatever else I’m capable of providing.
But I have limits, kiddo. I’m very sorry I can’t be everything you need. ”
Her slim shoulders curl inward. “Okay.”
Guilt stabs into me, leaving me weak and drained. This is too much. We’re supposed to be celebrating. Leave it to me to spoil the festivities. That means it’s my responsibility to fix this wreck.
I leap off the couch with enthusiasm I don’t actually feel. “Why don’t we play a game?”
Ronnie squints at me skeptically. “What kind of game?”
“Maybe a contest?” My gaze sweeps to the gingerbread house supplies. “How about who can fit the most gumdrops in their mouth?”
I’ll make those gooey blobs my bitch yet.
The little girl perks up. “I wanna do that!”
“Heck yes.”
“Best. Idea. Ever!” Ronnie wraps me in a tight hug before racing out of the room.
A challenging brow quirks at Byron. “What do you say?”
He motions toward the kitchen. “After you.”
We reclaim our seats at the dining table and divide the gumdrops into piles. Ronnie is practically bouncing in her chair. Her father is sprawled out in all his man-spread glory, announcing that his attempt to win is zero. I’m just glad the mood has shifted to our usual comfort level.
My gaze swivels between them. “Any guesses how many you’ll get?”
“A million!” Ronnie shouts.
“Wow, I can’t beat that.”
Victory already brightens her features. “Ready?”
I nod and snatch a sticky piece between my fingers. “Go!”
Ronnie immediately dives in. Her style is a rapid fire as she shoves the candy into her mouth. Byron’s pace is lazy at best. Mine is fast enough to appear like I’m at least trying, but I never stood a chance.
The little girl squishes in one more and it’s over. “Mer hawim!”
The handful in my mouth shoot out at her adorable declaration. Not to mention her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. “You won!”
Ronnie chews quickly, ingesting entirely too much sugar at once. “I did it!”
“Didn’t doubt you for a second, cupcake.” Byron beams at her as if this was a gold medal competition.
“How many fit in there?”
She shrugs. “I dunno. They’re in my tummy.”
“A million plus one,” Byron says.
“That’s soooo many!” Ronnie giggles loudly.
I exhale a laugh. We’re back to fun and happy and light. It’s our safe space. That’s where we belong.