CHAPTER TWELVE #2
‘It sounds to me like she felt threatened by you. She probably has a lot of guilt for not being around, especially since Juan upped and left her, and now you’re the main woman in her son’s life.
Well, you were – you’re not any more, thank goodness.
’ Dolly thought about it for a moment and then went on, ‘I so wish you had talked to the people who love you. We would have helped.’ She put a hand on Sage’s arm.
‘We could have persuaded you to come home. We would have all rallied around for Hal too.’
Sage wiped away a tear. ‘I think that is exactly why I didn’t ever talk to anyone about it.
I didn’t want to give up on the notion of Hal having a proper family.
Talk about maternal guilt – I was so deeply unhappy I don’t think I was a very good mother, and Santiago certainly wasn’t a doting father.
Hal and I would both have been much better here at home. ’
‘Hindsight is a beautiful thing,’ Dolly said, wanting to ease the lines on her friend’s furrowed brow.
‘I don’t think you should walk away from Rafe because you have been hurt by Santiago.
It sounds as though he couldn’t be more different.
The passion that you are describing does not happen to everyone, and Rafe seems like he has been conjured up from an ancient spell just for you!
’ Dolly took a sip of wine, the matter settled.
‘But what is the deal with you and Santiago? How far off from being divorced are you?’
Sage leant forward in her chair and rested her elbows on the table, putting the tips of her slim fingers together to make a steeple.
‘Ages at this rate. That’s the issue at the moment. Santiago has said he won’t go through with the divorce. He wants us to go to counselling and have another go at our marriage.’ She leant back again, restlessly, and sighed in frustration.
Dolly asked gently, ‘That, surely, is not what you want? I mean, he abused you, Sage. You were black and blue when you got home.’
‘No! That is not what I want, Doll!’ Sage said, her voice rising, venting pent-up fury as she banged her hands down on the table suddenly, making their wine glasses shake. People turned curiously to look at her.
‘Sorry, Sage, that was careless of me.’ Dolly reached over and squeezed her hand.
‘It isn’t just the fact that he hit me. He is a total narcissist. Everything he does is focused solely on himself – he doesn’t give a shit about me or Hal.
Well, I guess he does love Hal in his own way, but entirely on his terms. He and his mother bullied me horribly – they finally found some common ground after nearly forty years and that was ganging up on me.
It became their favourite hobby. My confidence was in tatters when I got home and thanks to Gammy and Bumpa I am putting myself back together but I never want to see either Santiago or his ghastly mother ever again.
The sound of his voice actually makes my skin crawl.
I cannot think how I got sucked into that life, and I don’t know why I didn’t get out sooner but …
I try to justify it to myself by remembering that I kept holding onto the positives.
Santiago could be kind and funny. He was always the life of any party.
And he is Hal’s father. That was the crux of it all that I always circled back to. ’
Dolly went to speak and hesitated, then finally ventured, ‘There’s a part of me that is relieved to hear you say that.
I could never understand what you saw in him.
You could have chosen anyone. I mean, I know Santiago is quite good-looking but he is so oily.
He was always looking over your shoulder to see if there was someone more important to talk to, and I think every conversation I ever had with him was about Santiago Deverill.
I am loath to say the word as it’s so liberally over-used but in this case I’d say you’re spot on about him being a narcissist.’
Sage picked up her glass. This was the first time she had spoken to anyone about how bad things had been.
There were some things she did not want to tell Dolly, like Santiago saying sly things about Dolly being a fair-weather friend and constantly trying to undermine their friendship.
She had been so full of shame that she had buried it all out of sight.
But now, under the lens of Dolly’s sympathetic, piercing compassion, Sage opened up.
‘If I protested or made a fuss, Santiago started to hurt me – emotionally and physically. Physically it didn’t happen very many times but it escalated fairly rapidly.
It started with a push or a shove but progressed to a flight of stairs and black eyes.
I feel like I am being offered another chance with Rafe but getting out of my marriage contract is going to be extremely unpleasant.
I doubt Rafe will even want me if I come with this much drama.
He seems so accepting of the fact that I have Hal but the added baggage of Santiago might be pushing it.
And what if I bring another father figure into Hal’s life and it doesn’t work out?
I don’t want to him to get attached or hurt. It’s all happening so fast.’
Dolly thought for a moment, looking out the window at the final race that was now under way, the track lit up under electric lights, a beacon under the cover of the late-afternoon darkness. Sage was chewing her lip anxiously.
‘The way that Rafe was looking at you earlier … I don’t think he is going to be frightened off easily.
You are a prize and he can obviously recognize that, unlike that cretin Deverill.
My advice is tell Rafe everything – once you’ve presented him with the whole truth, nothing will take him by surprise.
If you’re both on the same page you can then move forward together.
Take your time with Hal, and when you’ve made up your mind that Rafe is a good one then you can tell him what’s going on.
He’s so young though, and probably a lot more resilient than you think. ’
Sage was staring out of the window at the horses that were coming into the winners’ enclosure.
If Rafe wins this race then maybe Hal and I have a chance, at happiness and a real life, she sent up a silent prayer.
Then aloud, ‘Let’s go down and see who won.
’ She jumped up, sincere gratitude flooding through her.
‘Thank you, Dolly. You are a wonderful friend. When you are ready to talk about the things in your heart, I’m here for you. ’
Sage meant every word and Dolly, recognizing this but not needing anything in return, gave her a tight hug before putting her coat on.
‘I know, thank you.’
They clattered back down the staircase and headed for the paddock to see who had come in first. Sage crossed her fingers for luck; suddenly it mattered very much that she should win her silly internal bet.
The jumble of bodies blocked her line of sight to the winners’ enclosure.
Despite knowing it was childish, her heart rushed with expectation as she wound through the sparse crowd around the ring.
She wondered if Rafe was looking for her with such ferocity as she was for him.
Rafe was standing holding the reins of his parents’ horse, triumphant, in the winners’ circle, scanning the sea of faces. He had a huge grin on his face and his eyes lit up when he saw Sage. She felt her heart constrict with happiness. Everything would be all right.
‘Right, you lot, let’s go home. The horses have just left and I want to be there at the other end to meet them.’ Dennis was beaming after his successful day at the races.
‘Where’s Casper?’ Sage asked, looking around for her twin and not finding him anywhere.
‘He and that dreadful woman have left. She dragged him off about twenty minutes ago and wouldn’t even let him say goodbye to you. He asked me to make his apologies.’ Dennis was not impressed, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle from disapproval.
‘Sage?’ Rafe had jogged over to where they were all standing, ‘Can I give you a lift back to Newmarket?’ He looked at Sage hopefully, a tentative smile hovering on his lips.
Sage looked at Dolly, not wanting to abandon her friend but eager to spend an hour in the car alone with Rafe.
‘Honestly, Sage. We can see each other any time. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.’
‘Really? Are you sure?’ Sage searched Dolly’s face for signs of disappointment but found only genuine encouragement.
‘Honestly. Go!’ Dolly gave her a gentle push towards Rafe.
Sage reached back and squeezed her friend’s hand tightly in gratitude, as she nodded at Rafe.
‘Yes, please.’
‘Good. I just need to get the horses sorted and then I’ll be out.’ Rafe touched his cap at everyone and bounded off towards the stables.
Sage hugged Betsy and Dennis goodbye, then watched her grandparents and Dolly glide out of the emptying car park in the blue car that was now lit up like a spaceship.
Dolly leant out of the window and called out, ‘Good luck. I’ll ring you tomorrow.
I want to hear everything!’ She wiggled her eyebrows up and down suggestively, making Sage laugh.
She waved after them and then, hearing footsteps behind her, she turned to see Rafe stepping out of the shadows, carrying a woollen rug over his arm and still smiling.
Sage felt her stomach contract as a frisson of adrenaline surged through her.
Rafe pressed a button on the car key; the Audi flashed its lights and the locks opened with a click.
‘Jump in. I’ll just chuck these into the boot.’