Chapter 8
Jasmine – A Week Later
I chew my bottom lip as I eye all the people in the crematorium, many sniffling, some smiling at the photo’s surrounding my grandmother and I choke back a sob as my eyes tear up.
I’m trying my hardest not to look, to not see the several pictures, the memories of me, Logan, Brady, and Granny, memories that feel like a lifetime ago but I keep failing.
I keep looking where my grandmother lies, no longer here to help bring me back from the ledge, to put that smile back on my face and I wasted six years without her because of my selfish mother, because of that woman who threatened me to leave her son.
My bottom lip wobbles at all the regrets I have and I look around the room again to hopefully try and distract me before I lock eyes with Logan’s figure sitting front and center causing my heart to flutter and my stomach to tighten, while my family sits behind him, tense, their shoulders tight.
Bruce sits right next to my mama making me want to vomit.
Does it surprise me that they weren’t welcome in the front row? Not really, they were never there for Granny, but what does surprise me is that Brady is sitting next to Logan.
My eyes go back to Bruce then my mother and I flinch involuntarily as my breathing picks up and the pain I felt when Mama’s heels stomped into my stomach several times to try and get me to lose my child comes back making me want to gasp for air.
Coming back for this is dangerous, not just for me but also for my daughter, who is currently at the motel with a babysitter, both I can’t afford.
But I couldn’t not come and say goodbye to my Granny, to plead silently for forgiveness, for not coming back sooner, I couldn’t not say goodbye to her, to silently thank her for being the mother I desperately needed when my own sucked.
I should have come back sooner.
A few tears fall as I finally look at the casket completely, giving my attention to the woman lying inside it, and the priest steps up to the stand and begins the service that Logan organized, proving to me what kind of man I let go in order to protect us all.
“Today, we’re here not to say goodbye but to say, see you again, to Bunny Williams, a soul that was full of kindness and love for her friends and family.
” He says clearly, and sniffles echo around me, and I squeeze my hands, hoping to stop the trembling, to stop the gut wrenching sobs that want to leave me before a figure sits next to me.
Citrus and Sage hit my senses and I instantly grab hold of the persons hand while their arm go around my shoulders and I lean into the man I saw as a father.
“You, my darling girl, have been sincerely missed and she would be so happy that you came to say goodbye,” Uncle Charms whispers and my tears fall hard and fast as I put all my weight against him and listen as the priest talks about Granny’s life, her achievements in ballet, her mischievousness in the home, the pranks she would pull making everyone chuckle, the memories of her favorite times were with me and Brady and guilt builds.
She never got to know about her great-granddaughter because of me, because of the decisions I made that I constantly question.
“She left everything to you, Jas, her whole fortune, all to you,” my uncle says as the priest continues and I choke back a sob as my heart breaks.
“I don’t want it,” I admit, because I don’t, even though money is tight, even though I’m continuously looking over my shoulder, I don’t want it.
“Darling,” he whispers as he squeezes me tighter to him, but I cut him off and cry quietly, “I left her. I didn’t explain why I had to leave. I ran without looking back. I didn't contact her for six years. I don’t want it, I want her…”
Uncle Charms holds me even tighter, and my tears fall as I look over to Logan, his back to me, the lion on his cut proudly glaring at my family sitting behind him, reminding them who he is.
He probably hates me, and I wouldn’t blame him.
“He hasn’t stopped looking for you, Jas,” Uncle Charms murmurs, seeing where my focus has gone, and my bottom lip wobbles.
“He needs to move on,” I admit, and he squeezes me, making me look at him through my blurry eyes as tears trail my cheeks and he furrows his brows.
“You’ve found someone?” he accuses but I shake my head instantly, making him relax.
“Okay, good, because that man isn’t moving on.
Don’t get me wrong, sweetheart, he is pissed, but he still loves you, he’s still hung onto the future you two planned, heck, he still has all your belongings in his home. ”
More tears fall as I look towards Logan again, my uncle’s words hard to believe, and I swallow hard as the man I could never get over twists his head, looking at all the people, like he can feel my eyes on him.
Before his eyes can connect with mine, I quickly move down in the pew, and Uncle Charms sighs with disappointment before muttering, “He’s turned back around. ”
I sit up and swallow hard, seeing that his attention is indeed back on the priest, his shoulders slumped.
“You sure you haven’t found someone else?” Uncle Charms asks with a hint of disappointment, but I shake my head, denying him again.
At work, several clients have tried to hit on me, and every time I tell them I have a daughter and a man, that I’m taken, even though I’m not.
I left Logan, if he moves on then it’ll be what I deserve as far as I’m concerned and even though it kills me, even though I feel like I’m suffocating, I won’t fight for him, for us.
I’m protecting him and our daughter because for six years, I have known my mother meant her threat, I grew up with her, I felt her anger.
God, she tried to kill my daughter and his mother just put the nail in the coffin so to speak.
“There will never be anyone else,” I choke as the priest leads a prayer, and I grip my uncle's hand tighter as Cyndi Lauper, ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’, blares from the speakers while Granny’s casket is moved back into the burner, and I choke on a sob watching her disappear from my life forever.
“Come on, darling,” Uncle Charms croaks as he gently pulls me to the end of the pew, and I follow, knowing everyone will leave in a moment.
I take one last look at Logan, seeing his head down and Brady’s hand on his shoulder, which, well, it’s weird and it confuses me but instead of looking more into it, I leave knowing I won’t see him again.
***
“What caused you to run, Jasmine?” my uncle demands after five minutes of silence while he walks me to my car, and I swallow hard as I wipe my tears away.
“And don’t try lying to me. I know you, I know how much that boy meant to you, so what on earth happened to make you want to run the way you did? ”
“Mama threatened his life,” I admit as we stop next to my car and I look at him, his mouth parted in shock. “And his mama threatened my life if I didn’t leave town throwing a duffel bag of cash at my feet which I donated after explaining her son had a girl in waiting,” I finish.
“You should have told him,” he snaps, anger suddenly overtaking his features, and I shake my head and remind him, “She’s his mama, and we both know my mama would have gone through with her threat not caring that he is club. I did what was right for me, for him…”
I stop talking before I mention Aisling.
I know he’ll force me to speak to Logan if I bring our daughter into it, and don’t get me wrong, he would protect her with his life but I… she’s his mama. She said she would have killed my baby if it had survived my attack not realizing it had, then there’s my own mama.
“He’s hurting Jas,” Uncle Charms growls, and I snap back, “And what? I’m not? I’ve torn my heart out to keep him safe, to keep his club safe!”
I take a step back and shake my head, and I whisper, “I’ve been so goddamn lonely without him, I’ve felt cold.
” I lock eyes with my uncle and I confess, “I’m hurting too and I will forever love Logan, forever hold him in my heart that he will always hold and I will forever regret leaving the way I did.
But this is for the best because Mama, she isn’t the nicest person, she isn’t the woman you thought she was.
She’s nasty, mean and dangerous and I know first-hand how she can combine all those traits together,” I sniffle, “She’s done things you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend, things I’ve kept to myself and no, I don’t want you telling Logan about any of this, or about me being here.
Let him believe I was selfish, let him believe Granny didn’t mean anything to me because he needs to move on, he has to, even if I can’t. ”
Wiping away the tears, I press up on my tiptoes and kiss my uncle's cheek as his tears fall before I climb into my car without looking at him again.
I know I sound like a martyr, I know I should at least tell Logan why I ran away, but then he’ll try and fight my family, bringing hell on his brothers, and he’ll fall out with his mother, and their relationship will suffer.
The cons outweigh the pros in this situation, and as I said to my uncle, I will always love him. I will never fall for someone else, heck, I didn’t even believe in love until him. But this is for the best, even if it hurts, even if I cry myself to sleep every night and have to be a single mama.
It’s for the best and I’ll keep telling myself that until I’m blue in the face.
***
I walk into the motel room an hour later, wiping my face as exhaustion pulls me, my heart cracking with each step I take.
Coming back here, it’s brought everything back and breathing is becoming difficult, the urge to run after Logan and telling him everything, being selfish is tearing me apart.
God I hope my daughter is asleep so she doesn’t see how red my eyes are.
My thoughts halt as her screams hit me first as I shut the door behind me and I look up in pure fear to find my daughter screaming on the bed, clutching her stomach while her babysitter, clutches her blonde hair in her hand while holding a phone in the other to her ear and my phone rings getting her attention.
“Oh, thank god,” she chokes as she puts her phone down, and I snap out of it and run into the room and demand, “What happened?”
“I-I don’t know,” Ange admits as I press my hand against my daughter's sweaty forehead, and panic hits at how hot she is and I know she needs a doctor.
“Mama,” she cries, and I gently shush her as I quickly pick her up, her cries getting louder as she tenses.
“One minute I was warming up the milk she asked for, and the next she was crying,” Ange says as she follows me out of the motel, then opens the passenger door for me, and I place my daughter inside, clicking her in as she screams, scrunching her legs up.
I could call an ambulance, but honestly, driving will be quicker. The hospital is only five minutes away, and thankfully, I know Logan won’t be working, he was at the funeral.
Granny mentioned he passed med school when I finally gave in and called her, and I was so fricking proud.
I wish he were here right now, he’d know what to do, and the loneliness builds and builds as I climb into the driver's seat and speed off down the road, leaving the babysitter behind to lock up the motel room.
***
“I need some help, please,” I shout seven minutes and thirty-two seconds later, because yes, I timed it while I was trying to soothe my daughter but failing with the amount of pain she’s in.
My daughter's cries echo in the place, and several people look our way as I lock eyes with Doc, who frowns as he looks over me, and panic hits.
Crap, does he recognize me?
My daughter cries louder cutting through my stupid ass panic and my eyes tear up as I try to calm her, “It’s okay, bumblebee, you’re going to be okay…
” before I look up to see a few nurses run my way, but dark grey eyes that I have missed so much lock with mine.
My tears fall at the relief I feel despite the shock that etches his features before he looks at our daughter, and the shock fades into anger and betrayal which hurts so much.
Aisling screams louder, and I clutch her to me and choke, “Logan, please,” and he quickly rushes over, moving the nurses out of the way and it’s only then that I realize he's wearing his shirt and slacks from the funeral over his white coat.
He takes her from me, our fingers just touching, sending sparks through me, and I look at my daughter as she cries, “Mama…” and tries to get back to me and I swallow back a sob.
“Shh, sweet girl, I’m going to look after you,” Logan whispers as he carries her over to a bed that a nurse brought over, and I follow as Doc asks, “What’s her name?”
My bottom lip wobbles as I admit, “Aisling Bunny Levine,” and Logan looks at me sharply, and I quickly look away so I don’t see the anger and betrayal again, or worse, hate.
I can feel my heartbeat in my chest, the fear, and I know, his mama is definitely going to hear about this, and my daughter is going to be in danger.
“You’re just lucky that brat died, because if it hadn’t, I would have slit its throat the day it was born!”
Her words echo the day I left the hospital, walking out into the cold where she waited for me, eyeing the empty duffle bag, not realizing I donated the money, and I tremble as I look down, allowing Logan to do his job while fear rushes through me.
Oh god, what am I going to do?