Chapter Nineteen
M iles stayed in the kitchen after Tanner took Savannah to bed.
From where he stood, he could hear Tanner’s voice, then the creak of the floorboards as he moved around her room.
He leaned back against the counter and waited.
Tanner had been holding himself together all evening.
Miles figured the reality of his situation would hit once Savannah was asleep.
CPS had been gone a while, but the place didn’t feel right, like there was a heaviness in the air. Even Savannah had been quieter at the table. Tanner had answered their questions, and done what he needed to do, but to Miles he’d looked controlled, like Tanner was barely holding it together.
When Tanner came back into the kitchen, he looked tired. Strain showed on his face, his shoulders tense. He stopped by the table and dragged a hand over his face.
“She’s asleep,” he murmured.
Miles nodded. “Okay.”
For a second Tanner said nothing. He stood there with one hand on the chair, staring at the table as if he had forgotten why he had come back into the room.
“Are you alright?” Miles asked.
Tanner gave a short laugh but there was no humor in it. “No.”
Miles pushed away from the counter. “Come here.”
Tanner looked at him, then stepped forward. Miles put a hand on the back of his neck and felt the tension there straight away.
“You were holding it together while they were here,” Miles said.
“Yeah.”
“And now you’re not.”
Tanner’s mouth moved, and Miles thought he might give him a small smile, but he didn’t. “No, not really.”
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
Tanner looked away. “I hate that they can just turn up here. That they can knock on the door and walk in and start deciding things.”
Miles said nothing. He just nodded, encouraging Tanner to keep talking.
“I know they have a job to do,” Tanner murmured. “I get it. I do. But standing here while they look around my house and ask me if there’s food in the cupboards and where she sleeps and what my plan is.” He shook his head. “It makes me feel about fifteen and that I don’t have a clue.”
Miles kept his hand on him. “You answered everything.”
“Not everything.”
“You answered enough.”
Tanner let out a slow breath. “That’s the problem. It never feels like it’s enough.”
Miles could hear the strain in Tanner’s voice. Tanner was still quiet, but Miles could feel the slight tremor in his body. “Tanner—”
“They said they weren’t removing her today,” Tanner said. The last word came out hard. “Today,” he repeated.
Miles clenched his jaw. “Yeah.”
“Telling me not today doesn’t help.” Tanner looked at him. “It just means they’ve thought about it. That they are thinking about it.”
Miles held his gaze. “I know.”
Tanner stared at him for a second, his eyes moving between Miles’.
Miles returned it, letting him see that he wasn’t judging him.
Eventually, Tanner spoke. “I keep thinking if I’d answered one thing wrong, that would’ve been it.
If the place had looked worse. If Savannah had gotten upset.
If I’d come across wrong. Just one thing.
That’s all it would take with people like that. ”
“It might feel that way,” Miles said, “but it doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Tanner snapped.
Miles took that and let it go. He knew Tanner was scared. He rubbed the back of Tanner’s neck, then let his fingers slide through Tanner’s long hair.
After a moment, Tanner spoke again, quieter this time. “I didn’t think you’d come tonight.”
Miles frowned slightly. “Why?”
Tanner shrugged. “You heard what I told you.”
Miles knew what he meant. The things Tanner had done to get by. The choices he had made when it had been him and Savannah and no one else. He hadn’t flinched then, and he wasn’t going to now.
“Yeah,” Miles said. “I heard you.”
“And you still came.”
“Yeah.”
Tanner looked at him for a long time. “Most people would’ve thought twice about coming back.”
Miles slid his hand from Tanner’s neck to his jaw. “I’m not most people.”
That got a brief flicker in Tanner’s face. Not quite surprise or relief but something in between. “No,” Tanner said quietly. “I’m starting to get that.”
Miles leaned in and kissed him. Soft and slow with no rush to move things along. Tanner stood still for a second, then his hand closed lightly on Miles’ shirt. When Miles drew back, Tanner didn’t move away.
“I’m here,” Miles told him.
Tanner’s eyes stayed on his. “Why?”
Miles could have given him an easy answer that would have moved the night along. Because I want to be. Because I like you. Because I care. All of that was true, but somehow none of it felt like enough.
“Sit down,” Miles said.
Tanner looked at him for a moment, then pulled out a chair and sat. Miles sat across from him and considered what he wanted to say.
Tanner rested his arms on the table. “Alright.”
Miles looked at the table for a second before he spoke. “When I was seventeen, a friend of mine was killed.”
When Miles paused, Tanner whispered, “You don’t have to—”
“His name was Ryan,” Miles carried on. “We grew up together. Went to school together. Played ball together for years. He got into it with the wrong people outside a gas station one night. Not even over anything worth dying for. One of them had a knife. Ryan stepped in because his little brother was there.”
Tanner did not interrupt.
“I got there after,” Miles said. “I saw the ambulance. Saw his mom. Saw his brother covered in blood. Ryan was still alive when they loaded him in, but not for long.”
Tanner’s face tightened. “He died on the way?”
Miles nodded once. “Yeah.”
Neither of them said anything for a minute until Miles cleared his throat and carried on talking.
“They caught the men who did it. At first I thought that would mean something. Thought at least that part would be simple. But it turned into statements and evidence and paperwork and one mistake after another.” His jaw hardened.
“One of them got a lesser charge. The other walked because of a technicality.”
Tanner’s eyes stayed on him and Miles looked at him.
“That was it. Everyone talked about what should’ve happened and what could’ve happened and what had gone wrong. None of it changed anything. Ryan was still dead.”
For a moment Miles looked away. He could still remember it clearly if he let himself. The noise outside the gas station. The lights. Ryan’s brother shaking so hard he could barely stand. The look on his mother’s face.
“I hated that,” Miles whispered. “Not just what happened to him. The rest of it. The way it all became a process. The way people made mistakes and then shrugged because there was nothing to be done after.” He looked back at Tanner. “I couldn’t let that go.”
Tanner was quiet for a beat. “So you became a cop.”
“Yeah.”
“You thought you could do it better.”
Miles gave a small shrug. “I thought I could at least do my own job right.”
Tanner looked at him then nodded. “That makes sense.”
Miles let out a slow breath. “Most days it’s not anything big. It’s noise complaints and paperwork and calls where people are just being stupid. But I know what it looks like when something serious gets handled wrong. I know the costs involved.”
Tanner dropped his gaze to the table. “You watched someone who mattered to you get turned into a case. Like they weren’t a living breathing person.”
“Yeah.”
“And nobody could fix it after.”
“No.”
Tanner nodded slowly. “That’s a hard thing to carry.”
Miles almost smiled at that. “You would know.”
That pulled Tanner’s eyes back up to his.
For a minute neither of them spoke. “I didn’t know that about you,” Tanner said at last.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
“Is that meant to make you sound mysterious?”
“No.”
That got the smallest laugh out of Tanner, then he rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.”
Miles did not answer right away. When he did, he said, “You’re keeping her safe.”
“I’m trying.”
“And doing it.”
“Some days it doesn’t feel that way.” Tanner looked away and sighed softly.
Miles leaned forward a little. “You’ve got a roof over her head. Food in the house. She’s got clothes. A bed. She’s in preschool.” Tanner looked back at him. “You’re doing the forms. You’re doing everything, one step at a time.” He held Tanner’s gaze. “That counts.”
Tanner looked at him in a way Miles couldn’t fully read. Not disbelief exactly. More like Tanner wasn’t used to hearing anyone say something like that to him.
After a moment Tanner stood up. Miles watched him, unsure for a second where he was going. then Tanner walked around the table, took hold of his shirt, leaned over him, and kissed him.
Tanner kissed Miles slowly, one hand sliding into Miles’ hair as the other held his shirt. Miles stood and put his hands on Tanner’s waist, keeping him close.
When he pulled back enough to look at him, he asked, “You sure?”
Tanner let out a breath. “You ask that every time.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to hear the answer.”
Tanner held his gaze. “Yes.”
Miles kissed him again. They moved to the bedroom without speaking much. The lamp on the dresser was on low, casting dim shadows over the room. Tanner pulled his shirt off first. Miles followed until they both stood naked.
Miles touched him everywhere he could reach. Tanner’s shoulders. His back. His sides. The line of his waist. Tanner did the same to him. Every time Miles kissed him, Tanner returned it.
When they reached the bed, Tanner sat first, then lay back and held a hand out. Miles took it and went down over him.
He kissed him slowly and kept kissing him. Tanner’s breathing changed under him, but he never looked away. Every time Miles checked him, Tanner answered without words. A hand on his shoulder. Fingers at the back of his neck. A small nod. His legs opening for him without hesitation.
Miles took his time and Tanner let him.
That was what struck him most. Tanner let him touch him slowly, let him look at him, let him stay close without turning it into something harder or faster.
Miles kissed down his throat and heard Tanner breathe out his name.
He pressed a kiss to his chest and felt Tanner’s hand move through his hair.
He moved down Tanner’s body then licked up his dick, circling the head with his tongue.
Tanner groaned, his hand grabbing Miles’ head as he murmured his name.
Miles sucked the head, letting his tongue sweep over it before kissing his way down the shaft. Tanner murmured his name again as Miles moved back up to kiss him. He grabbed the lube and covered his fingers then slipped a finger inside Tanner’s ass.
It didn’t take long before Tanner was telling him he was good. Miles rolled a condom on and when he finally moved over him, he stopped and looked down at him. “Still good?”
Tanner nodded. “Yeah.”
Miles kissed him again as he pushed inside. Tanner tensed for a second, then slowly relaxed. His hands slid up Miles’ back to grab his shoulders. Miles stayed still, forehead against his, giving him time.
“Okay,” Tanner said quietly.
Miles moved then, slow and steady. It stayed that way.
There was no rush. Tanner held him close and met every movement with one of his own.
Sometimes he kissed Miles. Sometimes he just kept his face turned into his neck, breathing hard against his skin.
Miles kept one hand braced by Tanner’s shoulder and the other at his hip, feeling every shift in him.
When Tanner came, it hit him hard enough to pull a rough sound from him. He buried his face in Miles’ neck and held on. Miles followed soon after, his head dropping against Tanner’s shoulder as he groaned.
For a while neither of them said anything. Tanner’s hand moved slowly over Miles’ back. Eventually Tanner spoke, his voice quiet. “That was different.”
Miles lifted his head enough to look at him. “Yeah.”
“Not bad.”
Miles brushed his thumb over Tanner’s side. “No. Not bad.”
They cleaned up without talking much, then got back into bed. By the time Miles slid under the covers again, Tanner was already half asleep.
“You staying?” Tanner asked.
“Yeah.”
Tanner nodded and shifted closer, sliding a hand over Miles’ side to rest on his stomach.
“I meant it,” Miles said quietly. “I’m here.”
“I know,” Tanner said. He closed his eyes after that.
Miles stayed awake a little longer, listening to the house settle around them. Savannah was asleep down the hall. Tanner’s breathing had evened out beside him. The night was quiet, but it didn’t feel empty.
For the first time in a while, Miles lay there and let himself want more than one night.