21. Tavia
Chapter 21
Tavia
C yan stiffened like a bucket of ice water had been poured on him, and I got a creeping sense of dread that I had said the wrong thing.
“Who told you about blood mates?” His tone was casual but I still heard the iciness in his voice.
“Bea,” I admitted. “Something about how one person’s blood chemistry perfectly matches the needs of a single vampire, and it makes all other blood taste bad?—”
“I know what it is. You don’t need to explain it to me.”
Cyan started pulling away, and I felt the distance both physically and emotionally. He rolled to his back, hands resting on his stomach, gazing at the ceiling. It was such a startling difference from moments ago. When his hand was between my legs he couldn’t seem to stop looking at me.
“I just, it made me wonder since you healed so quickly.” I rushed to explain, desperately grasping for the connection he’d severed so swiftly. It was like an on/off switch with him. “And every time you’ve had my blood, it’s made me feel…”
Aroused. Horny. A bundle of nerves and need desperate for his touch alone. Every way to describe it felt too damn vulnerable now.
Cyan continued to stare at the ceiling as if I wasn’t even there. As if he didn’t just give me the most intense orgasm I’d ever experienced.
“Blood mates are rare,” he said flatly. “Biological match-ups like that don’t just happen between two random people.”
Is that what we are to each other? Just random people? I was afraid of what his answer would be, and didn’t dare voice the question out loud.
“Yeah, Bea mentioned that. She said the last ceremony was fifteen years ago.” At Cyan’s silence, I seemed unable to keep myself from rambling. “I’m just asking because I don’t know, Cy. I’m trying to understand what this is. I’m trying to understand you . Why we’re so close sometimes, and then I get this complete opposite side of you. I’m always wondering if I’m offending you or turning you off in some way. I’m just confused, that’s all.”
“Quite the headfuck, aren’t I?” He smiled mirthlessly up at the ceiling.
“I mean, if you put it like that, yeah kind of. But I know you don’t mean it?—”
“And how do you know that?” he demanded sharply, turning his head to look at me. His gaze was just as cold and distant as the rest of his demeanor.
I felt like I was walking on a frozen lake, and each step carried the risk of plunging to an icy, painful death.
“Know what?”
“How do you know I don’t mean to headfuck you?” His stare bore into me, harsh and challenging.
“Because you, that’s—” I was so whiplashed that I had to stop and start again. “That’s just not who you are.”
He barked out a harsh laugh. “Right. Because you know me so well.” His feet crossed at the ankles while bringing one arm behind his head. He was relaxed, if even enjoying this. All the while, I felt a slow, ripping heartache.
“I do know you. You’re not a bad person, Cy. You’ve done a lot to show that you care about me and I…I feel the same way. If I’m your blood mate, that just seals it for us, right? We can be…together. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.”
I wouldn’t have felt more vulnerable, exposed, and pathetic if I had taken my beating heart out of my chest and offered it to him right then and there.
Cyan actually sighed and sat up, rolled over to his side table, and took out a darakt cigarette. He leaned against the headboard as he lit up, taking his sweet damn time.
“Here’s the difference between you and me, Tavi.” He exhaled red smoke and took the cigarette from his lips. “You’re selfless to a fault. You care about other people way more than yourself. You’ll hurt yourself to make others happy.”
I willed myself not to shake. He was right, but he didn’t have to throw it in my face like it was some character flaw. I wanted the people I cared about to be safe and happy. Including him. Was that so wrong?
“As for me, I’m the complete opposite.” He took another drag, ashing carefully in an obsidian dish on his nightstand. “I only care about myself. And to get what I want, I’m not afraid to hurt others in the process.” His brows slashed down over his red eyes. “So you want to understand me? Your blood tastes good and you’ve got a great body. I’ll keep charming you and making you think you’re special to me just so I can get a taste. Congratulations, Tavi. You’ve joined the roster of a dozen other women I rotate through.”
I shut my eyes against the tears threatening to spill over. I knew he didn’t want to settle down, but I’d never heard him speak this cruelly before. Why was he doing this?
“You’re lying. I don’t know why you’re pushing me away, but?—”
“I told you I liked variety. The very first day I brought you here, I told you what the deal was. What I don’t understand is why you’re acting so surprised.”
The words cutting through me didn’t match the man who’d helped me bottle my wine, carved vows into his chest, or protected me from a drae addict. Hell, this person didn’t even match up with the Cyan who edged me for an explosive orgasm just a few minutes ago. I had reached the point beyond confused and was now awash in a sea of hurt.
“So I’m not your blood mate?”
Cyan scoffed with another exhale of red smoke. “You really think a vampire like me has a blood mate?” Before I could cry out in frustration that I didn’t know, he added, “Variety is what sustains me. Not being chained to one boring blood source for the rest of my life.”
I allowed those words to sink in, to burrow deeply in my heart so that I would never forget them, and then stood from the bed.
“I can’t live in your place anymore.” The pain had given way to numbness and I felt oddly detached from the words coming out of my own mouth. “And you can’t have my blood anymore. I’m revoking all consent for you to drink from me.”
“Fair enough.” Cyan lifted one shoulder in a barely-perceptible shrug. “Shut the door on your way out.”
A fresh stab of hurt cut through my numbness. He really didn’t care. At all.
I left his bedroom, resisting the urge to slam the door behind me. He already got enough satisfaction of seeing my feelings pour out, and I refused to give him any more. I packed up my belongings and snacks in a daze while every memory of us played like a highlight reel in my mind.
It was surreal to know it was all a lie. Every moment where he’d been protective, tender, or even sweet had been a manipulation tactic. He must have been playing on my desire to help others since the beginning. Getting injured last night probably wasn’t planned but it sure was convenient for him.
And fuck my bleeding heart, I still cared about him. I wanted to wish he’d been finished off in the attack, but I couldn’t even think that without a fresh wave of tears stinging my eyes.
I had tunnel vision as I left his suite with all of my things. If there were any vampires milling about the hall, watching the pathetic human blood pet with tears streaming down her face, I didn’t see them.
My feet and one-track mind led me to one door in particular. Bea opened up seconds after my knock. Black and turquoise eyes widened at the sight of me.
“Tavia! Oh Temkra, are you okay?”
“Hey.” I steeled myself with a breath. “I’m really sorry to intrude, but I can’t stay with Cyan anymore and don’t have anywhere else to go. Can I crash on your couch? Just until I figure things out.”
She opened the door wider and immediately ushered me in. “You, poor thing, are taking my bed and I’ll be on the couch.”
“No! No, I couldn’t possibly?—”
“Then I hope you love snuggling because we’ll be sharing the bed in that case. Looks like you need it.”
Bea took my bags of clothes and snacks from me, set them aside, and pulled me into a hug. That was when the dam broke and I fell apart. My wall of numbness shattered and all the hurt poured through. I sobbed on her shoulder like a child while she rubbed my back and made soothing noises.
“Shhh, you’re alright. Let it out.” Somehow we made it to the couch, where she continued to hold me. “I don’t know what he did, but I’m sorry he’s such an inflated monkey’s ass. Stay as long as you need.”
I half-laughed, half-sobbed while making a mess out of her shirt with my tears and snot. Bea didn’t seem to care about her clothes though, and continued to soothe me.
“He was…really fucking mean.” I gave her a brief overview of what happened, then got up to clean myself up. After blowing my nose and splashing some water on my face, I felt a tiny bit better. Still wounded and like the tears would return at the drop of a hat, but not crying right that second felt like a win.
“I’m such a dumbass,” I groaned, sinking back onto the couch with Bea.
“You are not,” she argued. “Cy’s the dumbass. If he’s fucked things up for good with you, he’s only got himself to blame.”
I shook my head, staring at the ceiling like he had been. “You know what’s crazy? The shit he said to me isn’t even the worst I’ve heard from a guy. I’ve been called all kinds of names, been told I wasn’t even pretty enough to fuck, you name it. And it never affected me. It all rolled off my back like water on a duck.”
“Yup, same.” Bea nodded sympathetically. “It hurts a lot more when you think they’re different. When you start to trust them and they turn that against you. It sucks really bad.”
“Fucking right?” I scoffed and sniffled some more. “Do you think any man of any species is worth trusting?”
“Couldn’t tell ya.” Bea gave a small shrug. “The last one I was willing to give it a shot with got locked away twenty years ago. And none of the vamps around here have steady partners. So it’s hard to say.”
I wiped my eyes. “That’s pretty much what I thought.”
“You know what I think?”
“Huh?”
Bea looked pensive, tapping her chin in thought. “I think Cy developed strong feelings for you too. And he’s scared of that. Scared of having a weakness, vulnerabilities. Scared of all the things that falling in love comes with. I bet he thinks he’s protecting you in some way. ”
“By being an asshole to me? How does that work?”
She shrugged. “Pushing you away into the arms of a more deserving vampire, maybe.”
“I don’t know,” I sighed.
“Well, fuck him in any case.”
I huffed out an exhausted, mirthless laugh. “Thanks, Bea. I promise I won’t encroach on your space for too long.”
“Nonsense, stay as long as you need. Want some chamomile tea?”
“Sure.”
She promptly burritoed me in a blanket, then got up to tinker in her kitchenette. It struck me then how this dynamic had flipped from what I was used to.
I was always the fortress that Amy found shelter in. When she needed me, I protected her, no matter what. If I needed something, I shoved it down because I needed to be strong for Amy. She was more important.
This time I was the one who needed a friend, a shelter in a storm. And I was so damn glad I had one.
“Hey, Bea?” I called out.
“Yes, my little chamomile flower?”
I smiled at the endearment. “You’re a lovely person and a really good friend. If there is a trustworthy vampire out there, I hope you find him and he treats you like gold.”
“Oh stop it,” she said over an electric kettle and the clink of tea cups. “Hopefully there’s two. Or even three. One for you, me, and your friend Amy.”
“I don’t think she’d ever go for a vampire, honestly.”
“Well if there is only one out there, the three of us will have to come up with some kind of custody schedule.”
“Custody?” I laughed. “Of a vampire boyfriend?”
“It has to be fair, doesn’t it? Equal time split amongst all of us.”
“Makes sense. Then we’ll see who’s the pet, huh?”
“Exactly!” Bea pointed at me. “That’s what I’m talking about. Make him our pet.”
We shared tea and some more laughs that eased the ache in my chest until the exhaustion became too much. The last thing I felt was Bea covering me with a blanket, and some whispered mutterings of, “if only Kalix could knock some sense into him.”