26. Tavia
Chapter 26
Tavia
T he cellar had cleared out of people while Cyan and I sat with Amy, which was a relief. I didn’t want any of them looming while I grieved. While we attempted to revive her into what was essentially a human-vampire hybrid.
I didn’t want to leave her side. If she woke up, I didn’t want to miss it. I didn’t want her to be confused or scared of what she would become.
I didn’t want to fail her again.
Cyan stayed with me the whole time, which was a comfort beyond what I thought I needed. Everything that had happened between us was shoved away, at least temporarily. My mind put his callous rejection in a box, stuck it in a closet, and closed the door. It was still there, but I’d deal with it later.
Right then, I was brimming with a hope that I knew was dangerous. I knew it was a possibility that Amy wouldn’t wake up. I also knew I’d be irreversibly broken if that happened.
So I was glad to not be alone. And I shouldn’t have been, but I was glad it was him.
I didn’t know how long we sat there before he started stirring.
“You should rest,” he said. “Do you want me to find some bedding so you can stay with her?”
I shook my head. “There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep.” Exhaustion rode me hard, but my brain would refuse to shut off until three days passed or Amy’s eyes opened.
“You should still get some fresh air.” Cyan scooted away from me and stood, holding out his hand. “And some food. When did you last eat?”
Stubbornly, I remained on the floor, watching Amy’s face for any signs of life. “If you see Robin, could you ask her to bring me something? I can’t leave her.”
“Tavi.” Cyan took my chin in his fingers, making me look at him. There was that warmth, that caring nature that came out when he wasn’t cold and aloof. “She won’t wake up for a while yet. Hours, if not days. Let me take care of you while we wait.”
“Why?” The word came out harsher than I intended, and I suspected that the box in which I shoved my heartache cracked open just a little bit.
Cyan didn’t hesitate. “Because the person who never thinks of herself needs someone to make her a priority.”
Taking my hands, he pulled me to my feet. I didn’t resist and it wasn’t forceful, but it was clear he was insistent. He gave a quick glance at Amy and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll bring her right back,” then marched us out of the alcove and up the cellar stairs.
The first hit of fresh, outside air was a shock to my system. I didn’t realize how stale it had been down in the cellar. The cool, night breeze held a note of smoke, and I looked around to see activity buzzing around me.
People were burning the trash and debris that had been strewn everywhere in the attack. Others chopped up the mangled furniture into smaller pieces for kindling. Another group brought buckets of water from the well, and tossed it over the worst of the bloodstained porches, doors, and walls before scrubbing the dark stains with soapy brushes.
Aside from the one standing next to me, not a single vampire was in sight.
“Where did the clan go?”
“Took the marrowers to be detoxed and questioned. They’ll be back tomorrow night with new tires for my bike.”
“Tomorrow night?” I repeated. “So you’re spending the day here?”
He flinched. “Is that okay with you? I should have checked first, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine but I just—I dunno where it’s safe for you here during the day.”
“I can stay in the cellar, should be sunproof enough. That way, I can watch over Amy if you fall asleep.”
“Okay. Yeah, good. I want to stay with her.” And you. It felt like Cyan was the only reason I could string a coherent sentence. Somehow, without even touching me, he kept me together. If I was alone or with anyone else, I’d be an inconsolable mess right now.
“Hey, there you are.” I turned to see Robin approach me with a dented metal thermos filled with water and a sandwich wrapped in a paper towel. She shoved the items into my hands and gave me a simple instruction. “Eat.”
The sandwich was thin, a simple slice of cheese, turkey, and a quick swipe of mustard between two heels of a bread loaf. I took robotic bites and chewed as Cyan turned to Robin. “What can I do to help with the cleanup?”
She and I stared at him aghast. A vampire offering to help humans was unheard of. It completely flipped the notion we’d been taught all our lives. That we were here to serve their needs.
“You want to help?” Robin looked at me and then back at him.
“I do.” He swallowed and cleared his throat, straightening like he was addressing someone who deserved the utmost respect. “And I know your community must be confused and reeling from this attack. Blood ‘til Dawn failed to uphold our end of the Half-Century Agreement when your home was attacked. I will personally make sure we atone for that. We will find out what caused this and I vow to you it will not happen again. It would be my honor to seal this vow into my skin?—”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, placing my hand on his forearm.
He gave me a sheepish smile, briefly covering my hand with his. Robin’s sharp eyes didn’t miss the affectionate gesture. “In any case,” he went on, “you are my blood mate’s people and I feel responsible?—”
“Your what ?” Despite having finished off the water, my throat went completely dry. I stared hard at his side profile, watching the muscle in his jaw clench as he remained silent. He definitely didn’t mean to say that.
“Thank you for the offer to help.” Robin gave a tight smile, her eyes darting between us. “I’ll holler if we need more hands but in the meantime, it seems like you two may need to talk some things out. Tavia, I’ll reach out later about Amy’s body?—”
“Leave her,” I said quickly. “I don’t want her disturbed down there. Not until I’m ready.”
“Of course.” Robin mistook my insistence for grief and hurried away. It wasn’t like I felt ready to explain Amy’s potential resurrection right then anyway. I couldn’t get the words my blood mate in Cyan’s voice out of my head.
“She’s right.” I turned to face him directly. “We should talk, shouldn’t we?”
I expected him to deny it. To shut down and deflect like he always did when we seemed to get close. I braced myself for it but in truth, I wasn’t afraid. Losing Amy was the most painful thing I’d ever endured. If she didn’t wake up, it would break me. By comparison, another rejection from this vampire was a papercut.
But to my utter shock, Cyan nodded and quietly agreed. “Yeah, we should.”
Not five minutes later, we were in the trailer that Amy and I had shared. He dwarfed the small space, gaze floating over our meager belongings like he was trying to find a subject in which to start this uncomfortable conversation.
Only a few seconds of tense silence passed before I couldn’t stand it any longer. “So is it true?”
Cyan’s throat bobbed with a swallow as his gaze settled on me. “Yeah, it’s true.”
Emotions thrashed inside me like winds in a storm. Grief. Heartache. Exhaustion. And now a boiling anger.
“Say it, then. I want you to tell me to my face.”
He looked calm. But he swallowed again and a vein pulsed in his temple. It was the kind of calm holding back something he didn’t want to let out.
“You’re my blood mate, Tavi. Only your blood nourishes and sustains me like no other ever has or will.”
I stared at him, incredulous. My rising anger crested at a height I’d never felt before, not even when I saw bullies shove Amy to the ground when we were children. At least that behavior was predictable.
For once I was pissed off on my own behalf. Because I had expected better from Cyan.
“Then why would you lie to me?” I went to sit on my bed but couldn’t sit still, so I returned to standing. But standing felt too close to him in this tiny mobile home, so I crossed my arms and tried to force the tears back. “We were in bed together and you just blew me off when I asked if we were blood mates. Why?” I began to shake from the effort of keeping it all together. “Did I…disappoint you?”
“Fucking Temkra, Tavi. No. Nothing could be further from the truth.” Cyan’s brow furrowed and some of that real, deep emotion shone through his eyes. “You could never disappoint me. I am awed by you. From the moment I first saw you, sacrificing yourself for Amy, I have been in awe of you. Your bravery, your strength, your dedication to those who matter to you.”
I hated that his words moved me, hated how the rawness and earnesty in voice made me want so badly to believe him. Even after he explicitly told me that I meant nothing, that I was just one blood sample on his variety platter.
But if I was his blood mate, everything else tasted foul to him now. How could this carefree vampire not be disappointed that his variety was gone?
I didn’t realize my tears had spilled over until I felt his thumbs on my cheeks. I jerked away, fighting the urge to lash out in anger. This vampire didn’t deserve my vulnerability. He’d exploited it enough.
“Please leave.” I turned away, wiping my face. “Call someone to pick you up before dawn. I don’t want to see you.”
“Tavi—”
“No. I’m done, Cyan. I tried and I just can’t, okay? Please go before the sun comes up.”
I went for the door but he was faster. He darted in front of me, all red eyes and predatory grace. His hands cupped my shoulders and before I could tell him off, he blurted, “I said those things because I don’t deserve a blood mate.”
The look on his face, raw, open, and even afraid, sank in before his words did. His calm, easy facade had fallen away, and I was staring into the face of an incredibly heartbroken man.
“It’s me that’s a disappointment, Tavi,” he choked out. “I will never, ever be worthy of you.”
This was a side of Cyan that I had never seen, except for one fleeting moment. Our conversation from that day in the kitchen replayed in my mind.
“I’m not a very good friend sometimes. I fuck up. I let people down. So if you don’t want to be friends with me, I would understand.”
Even then, he was trying to warn me away, trying to keep me from getting close.
“I never wanted you to know how fucked up I really am,” he went on. Every word seemed to scrape and fight its way out of his throat. “I thought if you got close to me, if you knew, you’d be so let down by me that you’d leave. You deserve much better from a blood mate. That was why I lied, why I avoided you and pushed you away.” A mirthless huff of laughter left his lips. “I’m quite the self-fulfilling fucking prophecy, aren’t I?”
I backed up a few steps and sat on the edge of my bed, reeling from all this pain and insecurity from the last person I expected to hear it from. He kept this fear hidden deep underneath flirtatious quips and an easy, charming personality. It was such an abrupt shift that I was completely lost for words.
“Cyan…why do you feel this way about yourself?”
He came toward me and knelt on the floor at my feet. Without thought, I reached for his hand and held it in my lap, finding that my anger had been temporarily deflated.
Staring at our joined hands, he said, “I’m the reason Kalix got locked up.”
“Kalix? Your friend who turned Bea into a brusang?”
Cyan nodded. I rubbed his hand and he seemed to draw comfort from it. “We were in a meeting with her boss. The sadistic fucker cut her throat open because she accidentally spilled a drink. She was dying and Kal immediately went to turn her, to save her.”
Bea had already told me this, but I didn’t dare interrupt him. It sounded like he was getting this off his chest for the first time since it happened.
“That asshole was furious that Kal was trying to save the human he had just murdered, so he lunged to attack Kal. I didn’t think, I just acted. I blocked him from reaching Kal, took the letter opener, and stabbed him in the chest with it.” Cyan touched his own chest as he seemed to relive the moment in his mind. “It wasn’t made of silver, but it went right through his heart. And I’d just made things a lot more complicated for us by murdering the head of another clan.”
“Their clan wanted retribution, naturally. And I was terrified. In an act to protect my best friend, I threw Blood 'til Dawn into a conflict we had been desperately trying to avoid. We were negotiating an alliance and I fucked it all up. And then…”
Cyan’s voice became even rougher, his breaths shaking slightly. I squeezed both of his hands in my lap, and only then did he seem to find the words.
“Kal took the fall for me. He said he would claim responsibility for the kill and turn himself in. They would get their scapegoat and we would keep the peace.”
Cyan’s eyes closed on another ragged breath.
“I begged him not to. He was my mentor, my best friend, and I needed him. I was scared out of my fucking mind, but I was willing to own up to what I did. I wanted to step up and take responsibility. But Kal…he wouldn’t let me throw my life away. There was no changing his mind. He convinced Thorne it was the right thing to do, and it was done. The only other option was a civil war and we’d worked so hard to avoid that. So Kal went away. The last thing he told me was to look after Bea and to live a good life.”
Cyan drew my hand to his right side, just under the vow he made to his clan. The one he’d vaguely mentioned was in remberance of someone when I first saw it.
“I couldn’t bring myself to speak Kal’s name, so I carved it with a silver blade. I did it slowly, dragging it out to make it as painful as possible. And it still wasn’t enough of a punishment.”
He looked up, his gaze meeting mine and focusing on me for the first time since he started talking. “I’ve never been able to forget that I’m the one who should have faced those consequences. Do you understand now, Tavi? I don’t deserve a good life. I don’t deserve you . No matter how much I ache with wanting you. You’re the most fascinating, brave, and beautiful person I’ve ever met. I never should have lied. I…I was trying to make you realize that you should hate me.”
“I think I knew you were pushing me away,” I said after a long silence to take everything in. “I just didn’t know why.”
“Well, now you know.”
“Cyan…” I leaned forward a few inches to rest my forehead on his, and was relieved when he didn’t pull away. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you do deserve happiness?”
He let out a dry, mirthless laugh. “After we woke up in bed together, I never wanted that feeling to end. To spend my days pleasing you and drinking that delicious wine from your veins? Tavi, I would love nothing more than to live in the fantasy that I might actually be worthy of you. But I’m not.”
“It doesn’t have to be a fantasy,” I argued, trying to not get swept up in his words. “This can be real if you’d stop getting in your own way. I’m your blood mate. Biologically, I’m meant for you. And I…” My heart pounded a furious beat, stealing my breath for a moment. “I don’t want any other vampire. I want to be with you.”
“You deserve bett?—”
“Don’t tell me what I deserve.” I’d cut him off so abruptly that I surprised myself. “Look, I get it. Kal sacrificed himself for you. I know it’s a heavy burden to deal with, Cyan, but Kal made that choice. He didn’t have to do it, but he did because he loved you. His choice is not a failing on your part, I promise you. He loved you, he wanted you to have a good life, and that’s the only thing you fucked up. By convincing yourself you don’t deserve any happiness because he’s gone and you’re still here, you’re denying your best friend what he wanted. And you know what? You’re also denying me what I want.”
I had to stop for a beat, but I wasn’t even close to being done with talking. There was so much to get off my chest, most of which I hadn’t even realized until this very moment.
“All my life, I’ve put aside my own wants. I’ve been a cog in a machine. A shield that got battered by protecting others. I sacrificed a lot for Amy, so I get where Kal was coming from. And I’m so sorry you lost him. You’re entitled to grieve and feel sad.”
I pressed a hand to Cyan’s cheek, feeling the muscle in his jaw twitch with a swallow. “But don’t make his choice your burden. Don’t deny what he wanted for you.” A shaky breath left my mouth. “I was happy to put aside my wants before. None of them were important as long as Amy was safe. But this,” I squeezed our joined hands, “this is important. You are important. You make me feel seen and appreciated for who I am. You, Cyan of Blood 'til Dawn, my blood mate, are all I want. I know, just like Kal knew, that you deserve love and happiness. If you need reminders of that, I’ll give them to you. Every single day.”
There was a long stretch of silence before he spoke. “After what I said to you, how I hurt you, you’re telling me you still want this?”
“Well.” I measured my response carefully. “Since we’re getting so much out in the open, do you regret what you said?”
“Yes.” His face was solemn, his eyes flashing with emotion. “Fuck variety, I don’t want it. Those other desires vanished the moment I tasted the perfection that was you. Honestly, I started losing my taste for others when I first brought you home. I tried to fight it, but fighting only made me ache harder for you. Being around you brought joy and contentment that I’ve never had before. When I heard you rode out here alone, I was more scared of losing you than I was of being locked up for murder. It made me realize that instead of pushing you away, I should have been bettering myself.”
He swallowed thickly, gaze searing into mine. “You’re all that I want, Tavi, and your blood is the only taste I crave.”
Despite the elated thrumming in my veins and swooping of my stomach, I stayed firm. “I need to know that you won’t push me away again. That you won’t intentionally hurt me to create distance. I’ll be there for you during low periods, but I will not tolerate having my emotions played with.”
“Fuck.” Cyan ground out the curse through his teeth, shaking his head in distress. “I was a fucking bastard to do that to you. If you are really blessing me with this chance, I swear to Temkra I’ll never say another word to hurt you. And I’ll spend the rest of my days making up for treating you that way. I’m so sorry, Tavi.”
This vampire, on his knees in front me with his hands in my lap, had no idea he owned my heart already. I was so close to letting go, to leaving all the hurt and confusion in the past and starting anew. But I needed to know beyond any doubt that the past would not be repeated.
“I need you to trust me. To be open like this and talk to me,” I continued. “I need you to not shut me out. That’s how we make this work, Cyan.”
He nodded, fingers lacing with mine and gripping tightly. “I’ve told you my deepest shame and you’re still here. I still don’t know what you see in me, but if you really want me as I am…”
“I do,” I said when he trailed off. “I want the Cyan who helps me make wine and teaches me how to fight with a dagger. The one who came to save me and offered to help us rebuild. Who…” My voice choked, but I forced the words out. “Who offered my best friend a second life because I can’t bear to lose her.”
More tears fell, all of them caught by the pads of his thumbs. “I will do everything in my power to see you happy and fulfilled. It’s not just your blood that sustains me, but the excitement in your voice, and the way your eyes light up. When you are falling apart, I will hold the pieces of you together for as long as you need to heal. I’m no substitute for Amy and I’ll never feel truly worthy of you, but I want to be a safe place for you to retreat. I want to be exactly what you need when you need it.”
That was when I felt the fear melt away, and the love I’d been too afraid to acknowledge bloomed in full force. From this moment on, I would trust him fully. Deeply. It was on him to trust me too, to be honest and vulnerable in ways he likely never had been before. I had to believe he would choose me every time, and after everything that happened today, and what he’d just told me with all this raw emotion, I was prepared to do that.
“I want you to feel safe with me too,” I said. “You are worthy, Cyan. Exactly as you are.”
His forehead rocked gently from side to side against mine. “I was such a fucking fool for treating you as I did.”
My chin lifted, bringing my nose to brush against his. “You know what I need right now?”
His eyes dilated and I saw the tips of his fangs reach past his lips as he said, “Tell me.”