36. Diana
The last time I see him is after the girls’ final playdate, two days before we go back to Colorado. It’s awkward and painful, and I can’t help but be flooded by the thought that I’d rather be anywhere but here and simultaneously nowhere else.
He tries to talk about what happened, but I shut him down multiple times. Our ending was always inevitable, so why bother fix things? Why even try?
Just as he and Rachel ready to leave, while the girls say their emotional goodbyes, Michael looks me straight in the eye and whispers, “I hope happiness finds you, Diana. And I hope you’re able to find someone who appreciates you and loves you the way you deserve.
But most of all, I hope someday you’ll be able to see in yourself what I see: a strong, smart, incredibly beautiful woman who deserves nothing less than the goddamn world. ”
I manage to hold back tears until later that night, when I cry in the shower, long after Cami and Emi have gone to bed.
Right back to where I started at the beginning of summer: miserable and alone.
Once I’m back in Denver, by the grace of a higher power, it doesn’t take long to find a new place to live in a killer area.
The rent is affordable and the space is reasonable—a combination that isn’t always easy to find.
It’s like the universe felt sorry for me and my shattered heart, and decided to cut me some slack in this one area.
“That is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my entire goddamn life,” Rosie says over FaceTime when I tell her how things ended between me and Michael.
It’s almost midnight, I’m two glasses of wine in, Cami and Emi are asleep in their shared bedroom in our new apartment, there are moving boxes all over the place, and the word tired has lost all meaning to me. The level of emotional and physical exhaustion I feel right now is immeasurable.
I’m supposed to be unpacking the rest of our things before the girls start school tomorrow. Instead, I’m being berated by my sister over the phone for making the right choice. Because it was the right choice.
“It had to end that way, and you know it,” I tell her, almost in tears.
The pain in my chest hasn’t subsided for a single moment since leaving Michael’s office after having sex.
If anything, it’s gotten worse with every day.
Being buried in work, in the move, and in the kids’ beginning of year school activities has done nothing to numb the ache and emptiness.
“Do I? Because it doesn’t seem like it was the right choice.” She tsks and takes a sip of her wine.
In the background, I can hear her fiancé, Asher, cleaning up their dinner. Recently engaged, my sister looks like she’s glowing, and I can’t help but feel a little jealous. I want that happiness for myself, but I know it’s not for me.
“Sorry, weren’t you the one who told me to have a fling this summer?” I ask, a hint of venom in my voice.
“Yes, but—”
“Exactly. Well, I had a fling. And flings, by definition, are temporary.”
“The thing is, you didn’t have a fling. Flings are casual, and you had a deep emotional connection with this guy.”
I shrug and look away from the screen. It’s useless to try to deny it.
“So that’s it. You walked out, your panties in your pocket, and never spoke to him again?”
“God, that sounds so… crude.” I grimace.
“Did you?”
“Of course not. We talked a bit after. I mean, we had the girls to face, you know? We had another playdate for the kids at my place before leaving, but… It was rough, to see them together one last time.”
“And what about you guys? You just didn’t talk about it again?”
“He… tried.” I chew on my lip as I remember our last conversation.
The look in his eyes, the broken sound of his voice as he begged me to discuss it once again.
“But I held firm, kept my eyes on our daughters as they played in the pool and shut him down with a No so final it surprised even myself. It was awful.”
There’s a beat before either one of us speaks again.
“Dee, I’ve never seen you look so… miserable.”
“Wow, thanks,” I deadpan.
“I’m serious. You were so happy when you guys were hooking up, and I don’t think it was just because you were having sex regularly.
Even before the first time you slept together.
Even when you still hated him, you had this spark in your eyes.
Now…” She exhales and shakes her head. “Now you look really fucking miserable.”
“You just said that.”
“It’s worth repeating.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m fine. Like I said, it wasn’t going to work out. How could it?”
She nods slowly a few times, considering my answer. “I understand the odds would’ve been stacked against you, but don’t you think it would’ve been worth trying?”
“I didn’t want us to destroy each other, Rosie. I mean, sure, things could’ve started off okay. But then what about once we’d get really busy? Or we had our first fight? What if I became so annoying he left me? Or what if we went too long without seeing each other that he cheated on me?”
“From what Barbara has told me about Michael—”
“You’ve talked to Barbara about my love life?” I ask, a little too loudly.
“She was the only one who could give me an actual character reference of the guy! I couldn’t just go off of what you were saying. And anyway, I’m glad I did, because she only had amazing things to say about him.”
“Of course she would—she’s his friend.” Though I know that isn’t fair. I wouldn’t have fallen for Michael if he’d been anything less than wonderful. Not after everything with Rodrigo happened.
“It’s not just that, and you know it.” She sighs.
“She said he’s never actually dated anyone before.
Not really. But that he’s a dedicated guy who doesn’t do things halfway.
Which she seemed to think meant that he wasn’t just fucking around with you.
If Michael just wanted something casual, he would’ve told you. But he asked to stay together.”
“I know he meant it when he said he loved me,” I tell her.
There’s no denying the look in his eyes, the determination.
And after almost three months of spending time with him, of seeing him almost every day, I’d gotten to know him well enough to know he wouldn’t just say that to anyone. Not even just to sleep with them.
“Then why are you doubting that he’d stick with this relationship?”
“It’s too much.” My voice breaks. I’m too much.
“There’s no end in sight to this distance.
On the off chance that this does work out, and we figure out we want to be together in the long run—” The possibility of that sounds as likely as aliens in my head: mathematically probable, but unlikely at this point in time.
“Michael has a restaurant in Long Island that he just opened—it’s not like he can just leave it.
And me and the girls wouldn’t be able to move because Rodrigo specifically said he wouldn’t even consider it. That he would try and stop me.”
“Which is bullshit, if you ask me,” Rosie says through gritted teeth. “Didn’t you tell me he hasn’t so much as called again since leaving Sag Harbor? Or paid child support since the divorce? What the hell does he care, anyway?”
I wince.
“Shit, sorry. I know it probably isn’t nice to be reminded of the fact that your ex is a total dick.”
I shrug once and look down at my hands. “You’re not wrong, so there’s no use in getting upset.
” I heave a huge sigh and look out the window of my new apartment, the city lights shining bright.
“I can handle when Rodrigo’s a jerk to me—I expect it.
But I still haven’t gotten used to him acting like the world’s worst father to his children.
Sure, he never would’ve qualified for the Dad of the Year award in his history of being a parent, but still.
He can’t check on his girls? Or return his daughters’ calls once every so often? ”
My sister’s concerned face fills my phone’s screen, pity in her eyes.
“Don’t. Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”
“You’re not. And neither are your girls.”
“I’m doing my best here, Rose.” And suddenly, I’m crying.
Because being a single parent feels impossible most days.
Because having two kids to take care of—one of whom has a very serious chronic condition—is overwhelming.
Because I live in constant fear that I’m ruining their lives beyond repair.
And because I hate myself for feeling like I have the right to even be a tiny bit depressed because the man I think might be the love of my life is no longer in it.
“And you’re doing amazing, Dee. I promise. You’re a freaking super mom.”
I snort, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand.
“I’m serious. You’ve done everything you need to do to make their lives as close to perfect as possible.
You moved into a great new place in their same school district, so they don’t have to start fresh somewhere new.
You took them on the summer trip of a lifetime.
You fight for them with their dad every day.
You restarted a career and work crazy long hours in order to be able to afford anything that they need.
You are an outstanding caregiver to them, even if sometimes they might not thank you for it.
I don’t know many mothers who give so much of themselves to their kids. ”
I sniff once, wipe another tear away. “Thanks, but it’s the bare minimum, in my opinion. If you’re not giving everything to your kids, are you even a good parent?”
Rosie inhales. “Dee,” she says, heartbreak in her voice. “You’re allowed to be your own person. To have an identity and life outside of being just a mother. Especially one like you.”
“Yeah,” I mutter, not really believing that.