39. Michael #2
“Just thought you’d stop by for a visit, then?
” The disappointment is vicious and runs deep.
Despite still having feelings for her, the pain is still unexpected.
Until this very moment, I thought I had accepted my fate.
And yet, for a minute there, I actually believed she was here to ask me to get back together.
That she was here to tell me she loved me. And I wanted it.
But I was wrong.
“I… Not really. Or I guess, yes. But...” She sighs heavily, as if the entire weight of the world were on her shoulders. My first instinct is still to help alleviate some of it. My second, to walk away and protect myself from the world of pain that’s sure to come my way.
“Listen,” I start, my voice a little too shaky for comfort.
“I don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but if you felt like you had to come visit the restaurant or me just because you were a couple of hours away, please know that you didn’t have to.
You don’t owe me anything. You never did.
All I wanted was to make your life easier, and by the look of your face, this conversation is not one you want to have.
So please, enjoy your dinner—it’s on me.
I would recommend the duck, but you already ordered everything on the menu—and I hope you have a fantastic trip back to Colorado.
” I get to my feet and quickly turn on my heel, leaving the woman I love behind as I go hide in my office like a coward, leaning on my desk as I try to process everything.
A knock at the door interrupts the thoughts running through my head.
“Yeah?” But I already know who it is.
“It’s me.” The soft tone of her voice does something to the inside of my chest, an aching pain that seems to start right below my ribs and end in my stomach.
This love for her, it just might kill me.
Diana doesn’t wait for me to tell her to come in. She doesn’t ask permission either. Instead, she pushes the door open, slipping quickly inside the office, and shuts it behind her.
Suddenly, it’s too much. This space is too small to hold everything I want to say, all the things I feel.
“You shouldn’t be back here. This isn’t for patrons and…” I shake my head.
Out there, her scent was almost disguised by the smell of food and other people.
But locked inside this office, I’m overwhelmed by peaches and honey—by the smell of something so familiar, tied to so many visceral memories that have kept me in a chokehold since the moment I laid eyes on her, I involuntarily relax and tense at the same time.
The concentrated scent of a collection of moments—some perfect and others not so perfect—that have kept me up at night for over three months.
The day we met.
Our first kiss.
The first time I cooked for her.
The last time she was in this very office.
I wince and squeeze my eyes shut, praying this is just a very, very painful nightmare that I’ll soon wake up from.
“I know, I’m sorry,” she says. “I just… I need to say something, and then I promise you can send me away forever.”
My eyes stay closed for another moment before I’m able to take a deep breath and finally look at her. Really look at her.
For the first time, I see the true exhaustion in her deep-set eyes. I notice the permanent frown on her face, like she’s forgotten how to smile. I take in the pale color of her skin, which goes way beyond the fade of a tan or being cooped up at home in the dead of winter.
For the first time, I begin to wonder whether she’s just as devastated by our separation as I am.
“Okay,” I say with a sigh. “What is it that you need to say?”
“I’m sorry.”
My whole body tenses into a rock—no air comes in or out of my lungs.
“I’m so sorry, Michael. I never meant to hurt you.
But please know that I only pulled away because I thought I was doing the right thing, and that I truly believed it was the best way to minimize pain on every front.
Because it wasn’t just about us anymore.
We had to think about our daughters, and how close they had gotten, and how close we were.
“But while I am very sorry I hurt everyone involved in breaking up before we let things get too serious, I don’t regret it.
I did what I thought was best for my daughters at the time.
Yes, I hurt myself in doing so, too, but I thought it was necessary.
There was no way out. No way for us to be together.
We would’ve had to wait years before I’d be able to move—a decade until my girls turned eighteen—or you would’ve had to pack up your restaurant, and come to us. ”
“I would’ve done it,” I manage to rasp. “I would’ve packed it all up for you. My entire life. Rachel and me. For you and the girls.”
“Eventually, maybe. But I don’t want that for you. You’re doing so well already and…” She sighs, smiles softly. “I would’ve never forgiven myself for taking this from you.”
“Have you forgiven yourself for taking what could’ve been half my family away from me, then?
You and the girls? Because that’s what it felt like you did by going.
And I realize now, with time, that Rodrigo really fucked us over, but I would’ve loved you through the distance.
Through however many years it would’ve taken for us to finally be together in the same space physically.
I would’ve spent every dollar I have to fly out and see you as often as possible.
I would’ve—” I shake my head, and stop myself before I let the anger and hurt boil over.
“I don’t want to talk anymore. Gonna end up saying something I don’t mean.
Or do mean, but don’t want to say.” My voice breaks, and I look away.
She nods, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I understand. Still, I want you to know something.”
“What’s that?"
She takes a deep breath before speaking, her voice shaky. “I love you.”
The sharp pain in my chest almost knocks me off the desk.
“I love you, and I don’t think I’m ever going to stop.
I don’t ever want to. And while I understand that you probably hate me now, I really wish you wouldn’t.
Because I can do this now. Because Rodrigo giving up his parental rights means we can move out of state without his permission.
Because it means my daughters and I are free to love and be loved by the right man.
And I know listening to what I have to say, you might be thinking I’m only here because Rodrigo is officially out of my life.
And that’s partly true, of course. But I doubt I would’ve been able to make it another month without you.
Without knowing that, in some distant future, we could be together.
Because I was done trying to get through a single day without us.
Through a single hour. I’ve been done with pretending that I’ll be fine without you for quite some time now.
“I love you, and I want you back. I want us to work together to figure something out because while I can live without you, I don’t want to.
” She stops to take a breath. Squeezes her eyes shut as if readying herself to say the most important part of her speech.
“For the first time in my life, I’ve decided to choose myself and what I want. And I want us.”
I stare at her, dumbstruck.
Is this real life?
She clears her throat, her cheeks suddenly crimson red. “That is, if you’ll have me, of course. If you still want me.”
If I’ll still have her? If I still want her?
I take a deep breath, too upset to be embarrassed by the stinging in my eyes or the knot in my throat. I haven’t cried since Jessie died, and it had probably been decades since then. But with Diana, it’s like every emotion is magnified, and I can’t help myself.
“I don’t know what to say. Except that you destroyed me, Diana.”
I watch the way my words hit her square in the chest, and now it’s her who can’t breathe.
But she needs to listen to this, and I need to say it. We both need this in order to move on.
“You leaving like that, taking yourself from me so suddenly. It killed me.” I take a deep breath, try to settle my thoughts before I go off.
“I had to keep going for Rachel, but it was the hardest moment of my entire life. It was short, the time we had, but it rocked me to the core, and changed me for good. It showed me what I want in life. And that’s you and Rachel and your girls.
It’s a family. The kind I never had and never thought I’d even want.
And it felt impossible to go on every day without you.
It still does. So while you can live without me, I need to confess that I’m pretty sure I can’t live without you. ”
She inhales sharply, finally taking a breath. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I don’t care anymore. That I don’t want to be proud. That I’ll take any bit you give me at this point because I’m done trying to survive a life without you. I need you, Diana.” I exhale. “I love you, and yes, I accept. I still want you. I’ll still have you.”
I reach out and take her wrist, pull her in one smooth and quick movement into my arms. Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of her body pressed against mine, the scent coming from her hair, and the absolute beauty that is her.
I wrap one arm around her waist while my other hand digs into her hair, holding her close to me.
“I never thought I’d have this again. Never thought I’d have you,” she whispers against my lips, her hands fisting my chef’s coat, white knuckled.
“You have me forever, now.”
I press my lips to hers—finally—and melt. Because even though we’re in the middle of winter, it tastes like summer.