3. Chapter 2
Austin - The Present
“Yo, Aus, you ain’t seeming like yourself.
What’s up, man?” Jacob waves a hand in front of my face, pulling me from my thoughts.
I don’t know why I agreed to hang out with him outside of practice and games.
We weren’t that close back in high school, but somehow ended up being drafted at the same time to the same team.
Jacob’s initial suggestion had been to go to a bar that was known for overlooking the ID requirements.
I turned that idea down. I have no interest in drinking, at least not right now.
Not after what happened the time I accidentally had a drink.
Not to mention the fact that I’m underage.
So, here we are, at an arcade and event center.
It’s mid-afternoon so the place isn’t too busy, and the bar we’re sitting at doesn’t have many patrons.
And now, my thoughts are back on that accidental drink and everything else that happened that night.
The person. The passion. The pain. She was my girl.
No, she was my woman. Was . And I screwed it up.
I think we could’ve made long distance work, but she was angry at me for leaving. And next she was angry at me for, well…
But I had to. I had to go. This was my chance.
It’s not often that a guy gets drafted to the minor leagues right out of high school.
Baseball has always been my plan. My dream.
A dream that was almost squashed by moving to Clear Creek, but in the end I still ended up getting drafted.
I had a signed contract, and even though I love Raegan more than anything, I had to go. I had to fulfill this dream.
I’m proving to Dad that even though he walked away I can still do this.
I don’t need him to make me a good ball player.
This is proof that my hard work paid off.
He put this dream into my heart, pushed me to be the best…
until she came along. Then he didn’t want us anymore, and now I don’t need him. I got here on my own. Without him.
I stare at the TVs behind the bar, the condensation on my Coke glass coating my hands.
Jacob pokes me. “Got a girl on your mind, or do you only think about baseball?” He groans and rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, I just… I got a lot on my mind,” I finally mutter as I slide my fingers up and down, making trails in the condensation on my glass.
“Baseball stuff, or girl problems?” Jacob tips his chair back on two legs and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at me. “Give me something juicy.”
Ugh, I don’t want to really discuss it with him. “Yeah, just… Just thoughts.” I say, hoping that he’ll just drop it. But he’s never been one to let things go.
“Oh, come on, man. I was with a great girl the other night. I bet she’s got some friends that are available.
” A smirk covers his face, his blue eyes turning icy as he nods his head.
“This place is getting old, we could hit up a club. I know how to get into one of the good ones, wanna come? Maybe it’ll help you relax.
” He squeezes my shoulder as if to show that I’m tense.
Which, I am, but I’m not going to a place like that, not with him, not with anyone.
“No. Not going there man.” Not physically, not conversationally.
My chair nearly tips as I stand. I slap a twenty on the bar to cover my soda and fries.
“I need some fresh air.” I don’t wait for his response.
There’s just too much going on in my head, and I don’t need his drama to add to it.
I push through the double front doors and take off to my right, even though my truck is parked over to my left.
Humidity still hangs in the warm Atlanta air, but the temperature has dropped enough that I feel comfortable out here.
Or maybe outside is just my spot. I am a baseball player, after all.
I fill my lungs with the fresh air. The thought of any enclosed space is too much for me.
I don’t want to sit in my truck and I don’t want to head back inside. So I wander.
“Why Jacob? We couldn’t have just chatted about baseball, or the weather or something?
” I grumble under my breath. Sure, old me would have discussed girls.
I wouldn’t have entertained a trip to a club or anything like that, but there was plenty of girl talk in middle and early high school.
And then baseball took over my life. Do I not want to talk about sex and girls because I feel convicted over what happened?
I guess getting to know God changed me. I came to Christ because I watched what He did for others.
It wasn’t just because of watching Facing the Giants, but seeing everything in Carson’s life, Coach’s life, and listening to Coach’s lessons in youth group.
“But where do we stand now, God?” I look up toward heaven as I whisper the words. Where do Raegan and I stand? Because I didn’t stop things, she probably hates me. Is she mad because I didn’t feel as regretful after? She told me, “I’ll always have one more kiss for you.”
I didn’t chase after her. I should have. Because I enjoyed it, does that make me a bad Christian, or maybe not a Christian at all?
“Time heals wounds, right?” I say cynically.
“So why don’t I feel any better?” I mean, yeah, it’s only been six weeks.
I haven’t talked to Raegan, though she did call once.
I’ve barely talked to my mom. Haven’t talked to Coach, other than to mention all of the baseballs I’d left all over the outfield.
And even though I live near Dad now, that relationship is still on the rocks.
I inhale a deep lung full of air, gazing at the trees and plants along the side of the building. The heat of the cement penetrates the soles of my feet through my shoes. I need the dirt of a baseball diamond under my feet.
There should be two men in my life to go to for advice at a time like this. Coach and Dad. But Dad did away with that privilege when he walked out of my life. Or it might be more accurate to say that I was forced out of his life because he didn’t want me. Or Mom. Or Izzy.
Sure, he’d walked back in, but it wasn’t like that relationship had returned to what it had once been. And Coach Hernandez… I’m embarrassed to call him again. I never told him why I’d thrown the balls all over the outfield the night before I left.
I don’t know if I can tell him. Coach had been there for accountability.
He’d discipled me. Showed me who a Christian was supposed to be through Bible study with the guys and in youth group.
Because of Coach I have Bible verses memorized.
Because of Coach I have a playlist that has helped calm my anxiety through worshipping God.
And now… Can I even consider myself a Christian? Can someone mess up like I did and still be a Christian?
“Austin? Is that really you?”
The voice halts my steps. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle. No. No. Not Becca. I bet Jacob told her that I met up with him here. “Dang it.”
Her grating, sing-song voice echoes across the half empty parking lot.
Becca dated one of the guys on the baseball team in my Atlanta high school.
But just because she was dating him didn’t keep her from flirting with every player.
She was obsessed with scoring a guy who made it to the majors.
And now she’s single, and a ridiculous bat bunny for the Atlanta Bottle Caps.
Her heels tap the pavement, closer, closer, closer.
Why did I decide to walk around the arcade a bit before getting back into my truck?
Right, I needed the fresh air. She catches up to me, offering a smile that makes my stomach twist. I know who the real Becca is, and I don’t want anything to do with her.
She isn’t my type. My type has golden-blonde hair, the sweetest smile, and a kiss sweeter than watermelon.
Becca is manipulative, vicious, and a cheater.
“Hi, Becca.” I acknowledge her and keep walking, heading around toward my truck.
“I can’t believe I ran into you here,” she purrs at me. “I love finding baseball players out in the wild.” Her manicured hand tries to squeeze its way between my bicep and my torso. Stomach acid starts to rise in my throat, and I swallow it back down. I keep walking, hoping she’ll just back off.
She doesn’t. Her heels clack faster as she chases me.
“I’m heading home. I was just hanging out with Jacob, and I have a busy day tomorrow. So, I gotta go.” I increase my pace. I could just flat out run, I am one of the fastest on the team. Even though I don’t want to talk, I’m not going to snub Becca. I puff a frustrated breath out through my nose.
“Why don’t we get a coffee together.” She sounds like a whiny toddler. “Or we could wait a few hours and sneak into a club.” What is with her and Jacob and clubs? Maybe the two of them should get together. She trills out a creepy laugh, and my stomach attempts to revolt again.
Just be straight with her. “I’d rather be alone. Thanks for the offer though.”
“Awww, come on. You look like you need a friend.” I can hear the pout in her voice, but I refuse to look at her. Her fingernails scratch my arm, making me wince.
“Look, I’m not up for it. Not right now.” I keep my voice firm and my face like stone as I pull away from her.
“Fine. Go be alone.” She throws a curse at me before stomping off, her heels beating a staccato tune that gives me more creepy vibes.
Finally back in my small apartment, I flop onto my unmade bed.
I sigh as I throw my arm over my eyes. I really should call Coach.
I’ve put it off for so long. I haven’t gone as far as silencing his calls.
I just haven’t answered. He was there for so much last year.
I truly wouldn’t have made it through the year, let alone get drafted, without his help and support.
I pull out my phone and it unlocks instantly because I’m not into having to remember a code or look at my phone a specific way to open it.
“No missed calls.” It makes my chest pinch.
There was one, once. And I did call her back.
But she didn’t answer. I want a missed call from her.
I want every call in my call log to be her.
I want to know that she wants to talk to me.
That she still loves me. I stare at her contact info before swiping down to Coach’s name.
The call rings three times before Coach picks up. “Austin! I’ve been waiting to hear from you.” Coach’s voice holds his usual warmth, praise, and care. If only he knew. Sure, I’m still a great ballplayer, but where it really counts… I’m broken.
Knowing Coach the way that I do, I don’t think his knowledge of what happened would change his opinion of me all that much, if at all. I only hope that the same is true of God as well.
“Hey Coach, sorry I took so long to call. Things got busy, and well-” A sigh makes my chest rise and fall. “I just… I got a lot on my mind.”
“I expected as much. I bet you’re keeping busy. So, how is Atlanta? I’ve done my best to keep track of your games. Spent any time with your dad?” I can picture the way he would raise one eyebrow and wait patiently for me to answer his questions.
I put the phone on speaker and rub both hands over my two day old beard.
The way it prickles against my fingers keeps me alert and grounded.
“Eh, things are okay, I guess. It’s a different pace, playing in the minors.
But it’s good. It definitely keeps me busy.
” I stare at the ceiling, thinking over what all to share and how much to say.
“I haven’t seen Dad yet. I’m not ready to. Not yet.”
My relationship with Dad is… amicable. We both spoke our piece after my graduation. But we’re not best friends. He’s not back to being the man that encouraged my love of baseball.
“How’s the long distance working with Raegan? I’ve seen her a few times, she looks tired and lonely. Bet a good talk with you might cheer her up. Sounds like you need some cheering up, as well.”
If only you knew, Coach. I don’t want to rat out Raegan. It isn't just my story to tell. I can't betray her by airing her dirty laundry. I don't even want to air my own dirty laundry.
“Uh, we, uh… We haven’t actually talked since I left.” Honesty is best, right?
“Well, no wonder both of you feel lonely and sad.” Coach pauses, and I know he’s thinking over how to ask what had caused us to quit talking. “Did you two break up?” His question is less inquisitive than I expected.
“No.” I squeeze my eyes shut against the pain that builds up in my chest. There’s even pressure behind my eyes. “I mean– I don’t know.” I screw my mouth up, trying not to overthink the situation. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I understand if you don’t want to discuss it with me. But you make sure you’re discussing it with the One who knows everything and will guide you and lead you wisely.”
This was Coach’s thing, every conversation points back to God. I try to force my lips into a smile and focus on what Coach has taught me about God. “Yes, Coach. I know.”
I’ve tried to take things to God, but I feel a separation. I feel like I’ve failed God because I’m not as broken over what happened.
“You’re a good guy, Austin.”
Would you still tell me that if you knew the truth, Coach?
“Thanks, Coach.”
“Well, I’ve got to get Ms. Rosa to an appointment real soon here. But it was good to hear your voice, Austin. I’m praying for you, and for Raegan too.” His tone changes and I know he has a smile on his face.
“Thanks, Coach. I’ll talk to you later. Say hi to Ms. Rosa for me.”
I tap the end call button, and drop my phone beside me on the bed. God, help me. If You even care about me anymore.
I couldn’t push my thoughts from Raegan any longer.
I can still remember the first time I saw her.
I had been determined not to be distracted by a girl, baseball was going to be my focus.
And with the move to Clear Creek… When I first arrived, I was determined to be a grump, focus on school and baseball.
“You changed me, Rae of Sunshine.” I couldn't stay grumpy with her in my life.
And since I let her in… I let others in as well.
What if… I’d stayed grumpy and closed off? “Maybe I should’ve just ignored everyone. Then this wouldn’t hurt.” Reaching over, I turn off the bedside lamp. I’ll never know. The past can’t be changed.