6. Chapter 5 #2
Jaimie and I have hung out multiple times since I found out, but I just haven’t had the guts to tell her. I haven’t even told Ms. Rosa, who pops in and out at the café fairly often. Thankfully the morning sickness hasn’t been all that bad, so it’s been easy to hide my pregnancy.
Somehow, I managed to hold it together when I told my brothers at dinner.
I didn’t cry when they gave me strange looks, or when they asked “why” and “how”.
I know Mom and Dad have given them the sex talk already…
So they’re not getting a ton of overwhelming information at once.
But, I can’t help but wonder if they hate me.
I grab my phone and shoot a text to Jaimie, asking her if she wants to come hang out.
In the past, Chrissy, Jaimie, and I would grab a horse and go out for a ride; find a deserted pasture and just lay there, talking about our hopes and dreams, or about the cute guys at school who had caught one of our eyes.
We each had specific plans, theater performance, vet tech school, culinary school.
They’re following through on their plans, and even though I didn’t plan to go off to school right away, I don’t know if I’ll ever end up in culinary school.
But ever since a certain evening… Ahem… I haven’t been too interested in going out to any of the pastures.
Especially not the pasture furthest to the east. My favorite tree sits in that east pasture.
It’s glorious. I have no clue how many years old it is, but it’s massive.
The branches create the perfect canopy, and the moss underneath is the perfect pillow for dreaming.
Since asking Jaimie to come over, I’ve been pacing my room rehearsing how I will tell her that I’m pregnant.
I clutch the sonogram in my hand so tight it crumples a bit.
“So, I’m going to have a baby.” No, that won’t work.
I have to put more thought into it. But how?
“Hi, Jaimie, sit down. I have something to tell you.” I shake my head and pace the opposite direction; that one makes it sound like I’m about to scold her.
My bed creaks and shakes as I flop back onto the mattress.
God, help me. Not that you have to. It’s not like we’re on good terms. I kinda really messed up.
I feel like that’s all I say to God these days.
Just reiterating how awful I feel. How much my stomach hurts, how my shoulders seem to slump every time I think about how I messed up.
I know He hasn’t turned His back on me, I’m the one who made the mistake. I’m the one who turned away.
A knock sounds on my bedroom door.
Jaimie’s quiet voice follows it, “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, I’m decent.” In the past I used to make jokes like, “Don’t come in, I’m naked,” when people knocked.
Oh to go back to the old Raegan. So… carefree and innocent.
I’m not a girl anymore. I’m stuck between being a girl and a woman.
And, well… I guess I’m all woman now. Even though I’m certain that a part of my heart is still a girl.
The bed shifts as Jaimie sits down next to me. “You alright, Raeg?” She runs her fingers through my hair, and I breathe out a huge sigh, twirling my necklace at the same time.
It’s good to be truthful, right?
“No.”
“Tell me what’s up girl. I know it’s hard with Austin gone. But there’s something more going on…” Her hand in my hair stills. Next thing I know she’s tilting my chin, forcing me to meet her hazel gaze. “Isn’t there?”
Tears fill my eyes. I can’t stop them. I nod my head slowly. Jaimie’s eyes soften with compassion and concern.
“I’m pregnant, Jaimie.”
Her eyes widen, and her perfectly manicured eyebrows reach up to touch her hairline. She blinks a few times, and I can see her swallowing in quick succession.
I can’t stand the silence. “Say something, please,” I choke out as I grasp her hand.
“I… I’m struggling to find the words.” Her eyes search mine. “I thought y’all were sticking to your boundaries?” She shakes her head. “Did something else happen?”
I close my eyes, shame dumping another bucket of ice water on my head. “No, we just messed up. The night before he left. We accidentally ended up with some lemonade that had watermelon moonshine mixed in, and neither of us did the right thing.”
I can’t stop the tears. I shake as I sob. The bed shifts as Jaimie lays down next to me. Her arms close around me, and she just holds me. Being the best friend, just like she’s always been.
Once the tears finally slow down, I look at Jaimie, my tears distorting the view.
“I feel like the worst person in the world.” I clench a hand into a fist. “I was going to do it right. I was going to wait. WE were going to wait. And neither one of us stopped, we just said ‘one more kiss.’ But-” I roll my eyes and sniffle, “obviously there wasn’t just one more kiss. ”
“Rae, you know that God always forgives. And He washes our hearts from any sin.” One side of her mouth tips up as she smiles at me.
“My heart knows that. But my brain has trouble knowing that right now.” I rest an arm over my face, hiding my eyes. “I know God forgives, I just feel so far from Him right now.”
“I think, like in any relationship, when there’s been broken trust, it takes a little time to heal.
” She rubs my shoulder, and pulls my arms off my face.
“You have to work on that healing. God doesn’t ever leave, you know that.
But that bond and that closeness you had has been broken.
And now it has to be mended. But God will always forgive, nothing can separate us from His love.
She frames my face with her hands. “Nothing”
“But–” I try to interject. Jaimie raises a hand to prevent me from speaking.
“It won’t be instantaneous. Wounds take time to heal. So do relationships.”
I nod and sigh. “I know. I just want to go back to how things were before.”
“We can’t go back. We can only go forward.” She smiles wide, her eyes brightening. “And I’ll be right here beside you as you go. Loving on you, praying for you, and snuggling that baby, if you’ll let me.”
I feel a little better, knowing that she’ll be there for me. That she doesn’t seem to look down on me. It feels like a small weight has been lifted. “You know I’ll let you help.” I allow a tiny smile to flit across my face and attempt to laugh.
“Now, do we have ultrasound pictures yet? When is your due date?”
The rest of the evening goes by almost like old times, slowly repairing a piece of my broken heart.