9. Chapter 8
Austin - The Present
My duffle bag feels like a two hundred pound weight on my shoulder.
It’s more the fact that I’m standing on my dad’s front porch about to ring his doorbell.
Also, probably because I nearly drove past the house that I grew up in.
The house that once contained all happy memories… Until Dad ruined them.
Last time I saw Dad was at my graduation.
We fought and then sort of hashed things out, but I honestly haven’t wanted to see him since I moved back.
Coach talked with me a lot about what forgiveness is and what it looks like.
And I’d like to think that I have forgiven my dad.
But now that I’m standing here, waiting for him to answer the door… I’m not sure if I really have.
When Mom and Dad were married we all lived in a massive house in Tuxedo Park.
Anyone with money lived in that area. This house is definitely smaller, but Dad still makes a ton of money, so he’s in Chastain Park, not too far from our old home.
As I pulled onto some familiar roads I was tempted to check on the old house.
To see the green lawn where I caught my first baseball, the childhood bedroom where I hung baseball posters, the pool I learned to swim in…
But I ignored the pull. There’s too much hurt already, I don’t want to make my wounds deeper.
I almost refused to come out here and visit Dad.
The thought of Thanksgiving alone wasn’t appealing, and I honestly don’t want to go back to Clear Creek and run into Raegan.
I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want her mad at me.
Even though that moment, that twist of fate, was a mutual choice, I wonder if I pushed her into it.
Like I was a bad influence on her. We both could’ve said no, could’ve stopped.
But neither of us chose to stop. And then after…
I didn’t know what to say. So, I just let her go.
After staring at the doorbell for several minutes, I finally reach out and press the button. I close my eyes and rock back on my heels as I wait. I’m expecting Virginia to answer.
The bolt scrapes in the lock and I open my eyes. I just stare at my dad as he swings the door open. “Hey, Dad.” The entryway behind him is open and modern, and appears to either have recently been built or updated. “Wow, this place is-” So white. Almost blindingly so. I’m not a fan.
“Come on in.” His cheek muscles twitch like he wants to smile, but isn’t sure if he should.
His face is more lined than before, like he’s aged ten or more years since I saw him at graduation.
His large presence and grand stature are gone.
He seems almost timid, and shorter. “I got a guest room set up for you.” He waves a hand, directing me to enter the house and then toward a long hallway.
“Uh, you’ve got a TV and everything in there.
Feel free to invite any friends or teammates over if you want to. ”
“Thanks, Dad.” I swallow awkwardly. The walls are bare, and boring. It’s a house, but not a home. “I assumed Virginia would be the one greeting me,” I say, trying to think up something to break the silence.
Dad looks down at the floor as he stuffs his hands in his pockets and his eyes get misty as they lose their focus. “Uh, we’re not together anymore.”
My eyebrows have got to be up on the ceiling. “What–” I clear my throat, choking on my words. “What happened?” I finally ask.
Dad rubs a hand over the scruff on his face, something he’s never sported in the past. “How about you get settled, and we can sit down and talk that over in a little bit.”
“Yeah, sure. Lead the way.” I follow Dad down the long sunlit hallway. He directs me through an open doorway into a white room. “You’ve got a bathroom through the second door on the left. Towels and everything you need are in the cabinet.” He motions around the room as he speaks.
The bedspread is white, the floor consists of white tile, contrasting with the wood tile in the hallway. White. White. White. I miss color. I miss Clear Creek. I miss the sunshine of Rae in my life.
Dad starts to leave the room, but halfway through the doorways turns back. “I’ll be down the hall in the kitchen, just head all the way–” he points, “that way, you won’t miss it.”
I drop the duffle bag to the floor and sit on the edge of the bed.
My thoughts flit over to Clear Creek. I’m certain Raegan will have a fun, family-filled Thanksgiving.
Her mom is an amazing cook, so I’m certain she’ll be eating amazing food all week.
I bet Raegan will make all the desserts.
She’s a pro because of all the baking she does at the Café.
“Do you miss me like I miss you, Rae?” Does she think of me as often as I think of her?
I pull my phone from my jacket pocket. Straight to the photo app.
I’m tempted to text her. The desire to call her, hear her voice rises in me, and my chest squeezes painfully.
“God, if you’re still there, how do I fix this?
Is it fixable? I miss her. I want what we had back.
” I swipe through the photos even though I can pull them all up in my mind anytime I want.
I can’t hide in this plain room, staring at Raegan's pictures, I can’t make her forgive me, I can’t fix us. She didn’t answer when I called after her, and I was too much of a wimp to run after her.
I make my way down the hall, towards where I believe the kitchen is. It’s just as white as the hallway, the entry, and the guest room I’m staying in. I walk around a large island, which surprisingly has black cabinets, but a white quartz countertop.
Dad is seated at a high top table, peering at a laptop through glasses perched on the end of his nose.
Some days looking at Dad is like looking in the mirror.
But today, Dad is so worn out. So tired.
More than he’s ever seemed to be in the past. Is it cancer?
Did he invite me to join him because he’s dying?
He seems nervous, like he’s got some bad news to give me.
I pull out one of the high back bar stools and sit across from him.
Dad closes the laptop, and takes off his glasses.
“Do you want anything to drink? I have coffee, Coke, water.” He gets up and opens a gigantic fridge that’s paneled to match the rest of the cabinets.
I almost didn’t notice it since it blends in so well.
“If I don’t have what you want we can always have it delivered.
I know Coke was your thing all through high school. ”
“I’ll just do some water, thanks.” I’ve ditched the soda in order to consume less sugar to stay lean and fast on the field.
A callus on my one palm catches on my shorts as I rub my hands over my thighs.
This is the man I had idolized as a child.
The man who took me to my little league games, taken me golfing a time or two.
But thanks to one woman, and well, a six year affair, I feel like I barely know him anymore.
Dad returns with a water bottle and sits down with a sigh, steepling his fingers under his chin.
I don’t really want to sit in awkward silence, so I ask the first question that comes to my mind. “So, how’s work?” Dad has been the CEO for one of Atlanta’s biggest companies since I was a kid. As far as I know he’s still in that position.
“It’s the same old. I’ve delegated out various tasks, so I have less to do.”
I nod, taking another sip of my water. “So more time for golf?” The mention of golf, Dad’s favorite sport, finally brings a smile to his face.
“Yeah, there’s definitely been more golf.” His eyes drop to the table, then back up to me. Is it loneliness? Maybe emptiness? Or maybe even remorse that seems to haunt him? “I, uh,” he fiddles with his glasses. “I cut things off with Virginia.”
Water dribbles down my chin. I set my water bottle down, splashing the remaining water straight up and out, all over the table.
“ You cut things off?” I blink and swallow.
Then I blink and swallow again. I don’t know how to process this.
Dad threw us away for Virginia. He hid her for six years then decided he didn’t want us, and that he was happier with her. “Are you happy about it?”
“I wanted to mention it at your graduation. But…” He shakes his head.
“Anyway, I couldn’t do it anymore.” Tears appear in Dad’s eyes.
I’m completely in left field here. Dad has never cried over anything.
Nothing. At least not that I can remember.
“I need some fresh air.” He pushes away from the table.
“Let’s go outside.” Large sliding doors behind Dad lead out to a patio and a pool.
The cool but muggy Atlanta air brushes my skin as we step outside.
How can this man, who ditched his marriage of twenty-two years, and turned his back on his family; suddenly change and decide that his affair wasn’t worth it?
“What changed, Dad?” I fall into one of the patio chairs, wrapping my fingers around a fresh water bottle.
Dad lights a gas fire pit and takes his own seat.
“I found God. Or more like God found me. After a few months without y’all I started to feel lonely.
Even when Virginia was right there in the room with me.
Something inside of me was empty. And she couldn’t fill it.
So I tried alcohol, and ended up with God instead.
” I drop my water bottle to the flagstone pavers.
Dad chuckles. “I promise I’m done with the shocking news.
Hopefully you can finally finish a water bottle. ”