14. Chapter 13
Raegan - The Present
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.
When I was little I would look forward to it all year long.
As soon as Christmas was over I was planning the next year’s Christmas.
Making lists of presents I wanted, holiday places to visit, new traditions to create.
Of course, my parents made sure that our primary focus at Christmas was on Christ’s birth, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming and planning.
“How did this passage hit you this year, Raegs?” Dad had asked.
“Well, I guess, I understand how Mary felt. Times have changed, so being an unmarried mom isn’t really looked at the same way.
” I stared down at my hands in my lap. I didn’t voice all my thoughts.
Mary had an angel involved in the conception of her child, and her fiancé was on board with everything.
Well, he hadn’t been at first. He was going to hide her somewhere, treat her like a cast off. But an angel remedied that.
“I think it’s kind of neat that God allowed Christ to even be conceived. He could’ve sent him into the world as a full-grown adult. But He chose a woman, a single woman,” Mom looked right at me as she said it. “To carry the Savior of the world.”
Dad’s eyes shifted over to me. “One thing stood out to… I think that God really values women. He let one raise the Savior. He picked her out specifically. And, He’s given you a special task, Raegan.
It’s not the Savior, but it’s a precious gift, and,” tears started to fill his eyes, “I can’t wait to be a part of her journey. ”
Mom squeezed me tight and told me she was excited about it as well.
Even now, six days later on New Year's Eve, I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m pregnant. Unmarried. Mary was also pregnant and unmarried. She had Joseph, and I have loving parents, a supportive church, a great job, and Ms. Rosa.
The snide little voice in my head whispers to me again.
You should be cast off. Hidden away. Little sinner.
You disobeyed the God you claim to love so much.
Do you really need Him anymore? You could just turn and walk away.
What’s the point of not sinning anymore.
You’ve gone and sinned the biggest, worst sin ever.
There’s some truth to these thoughts. I am a sinner.
I have disobeyed God, the God I claim to love.
The same God that I made a commitment to.
I know that He forgives. He forgives other people.
Not me. He’s got no reason to forgive me.
For Pete’s sake, I had sex outside of marriage.
That’s up there with murder, and homosexuality according to some people.
It’s one of those bad ones. So, what’s the point in me claiming to be a Christian anymore?
If I’ve done one sin, I’ve done them all, right?
And even though I’ve been taught the opposite my whole life, even though I know the truth, I find myself believing the lies that keep showing up in my thoughts.
My phone, sitting on the nightstand beside me, begins to ring.
And to my shock, it’s Austin. Frozen, I stare at it.
Should I pick up? What will I even say? “Hey, baby daddy.” Ugh, I break my trance and smack my palm to my forehead.
I hate that term, baby daddy. The phone only rings twice, saving me from having to decide whether or not to answer it.
Laying my head down on my pillow, I blow out a puff of air making a stray hair that’s fallen over my face dance in the air.
I can’t believe that he called me. Was it a butt dial, or did he actually want to talk to me?
I should have answered it. Then I would know.
But what if he just wanted to officially say we’re over? What if…
So many scenarios play though my mind. My poor pregnancy brain can’t handle this right now. We’ve got family coming over this evening for games and snacks, so I’m going to set an alarm and take a nap.
The voice of my favorite country artist, Lainey Wilson croons to me as I slowly wake up.
And it’s my song, “Watermelon Moonshine”.
Okay, not really. But my timeline matches the song.
It’s not an exact match, it wasn’t quite right before the end of summer like the song said, but it was after senior year.
And how ironic that we’d ended up with moonshine mixed with watermelon lemonade. Hidden in the back of the fridge.
It wasn’t planned. It just happened. Well, neither of us stopped it. I close my eyes, trying to stop the tears that always come with these waves of guilt that constantly bombard me.
Picking up my phone, I stare at the missed call from Austin.
Before I think about it I tap the button to call him back.
Biting my lip, I put the phone up to my ear.
My other hand settles on my bump. As I rub a circle on my belly, Baby Bean kicks me, or maybe it’s a high five.
“Hi baby girl,” I whisper to her. It’s amazing to think that even with how tiny she is, she can hear me.
She knows my voice. And the sound of my heartbeat is the most comforting sound she knows.
After the fourth ring, a female voice filters through the speaker on my phone. “Aus’in’s phone.” The O in phone is drawn out, almost as if the person is intoxicated.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Ooh, are you Aus’in’s girlfriend’?” The nasally female voice draws out nearly every vowel.
I’m almost at a loss for words. “Is Austin there?” I finally ask.
“No.” A maniacal laugh pierces my ear. “He’s busy. He’s a big famous ball playa now, so butt off, –” I wince as she finishes the sentence with a curse word.
“Well, um.” I clear my throat. Put on your big girl panties, Raegan, stand up for yourself. “Could you tell him that Raegan called, please?” I probably should’ve made it more of a command than a request.
The girl laughs at me again. “Yeah, no. Not happening.” She pauses and gasps a large breath.
“He’s moved on. He’s wi’ someone else now.
” I swear I can hear her roll her eyes. An ache begins in the pit of my stomach, and my chest feels tight.
“Look, honey,” She says honey with this disgusting sweetness.
“I would jus’ move on. He’s not coming ba’ to hicksville.
Sowwy.” She talks to me like I’m a child, and then she just hangs up.
The phone falls to the floor with a clatter as I drop my hand to my side. It’s not possible. It’s just not. But he didn’t grow up like I did. Maybe his come-to-Christ moment wasn’t genuine. Maybe it was all a lie. He played me, and once he got what he wanted…
He couldn’t have moved on. We loved each other.
I was certain he was the one. “She has to be lying.” I say the words aloud, hoping that somehow I’ll believe them.
Austin didn’t push me to have sex, we chose together.
So it’s just not possible. Right? But that little voice of doubt starts yelling at me.
My chin trembles, and I let the tears fall. Wilting to the side, I lay at an awkward angle on my bed. I don’t even try to stop the sobs. They’re loud, and my whole body shakes.
“Stupid boys,” I say. “I wish I hadn’t called you.” Ignorance is bliss.
Someone knocks at my door, before slowly pushing it open. “Hadn’t called who?” Chrissy asks.
I sit up and push my hair out of my face. I must be quite the sight as some of it sticks to the tear tracks on my cheeks.
Chrissy doesn’t ask any other questions. Doesn’t say anything. Just sits down next to me, wrapping her arms around me.
I hiccup and sob into her shoulder as she rubs my back.
Hours later I’m finally out of tears. It was probably just ten minutes, but it felt like hours. Is that my closure? Some drunk girl telling me he’s moved on? Do I need to just get over him and move on with my life?
Chrissy hands me a tissue and I wipe my cheeks and blow my nose.
“All I do these days is cry.” I mutter around the tissue.
“Well, you are pregnant.” Chrissy raises her eyebrows in a sympathetic look. “And these past few months haven’t been the easiest for you.” I’m amazed that she hasn’t asked more about my phone call yet. She loves drama, thrives on it. Her level of restraint right now surprises me.
“So… I called Austin.”
Chrissy nods. “I kind of figured that much.” She bites her lip. “And his response wasn’t what you wanted to hear?” Her dark brows form a tent over her perfect, small nose.
“No.” Uh oh, here comes the tears again.
I press a tissue just under one eye. “He didn’t even answer.
Some girl did.” I hiccup- sob again. I hope all of this doesn’t hurt Baby Bean.
That’s the last thing I want to deal with.
“She told me to forget him. That he’s moved on.
” My lungs are struggling to get enough oxygen.
“Breathe, Rae. Breathe.” Chrissy wraps her arms around me and squeezes.
I suck in a lungful of air. “It can’t be over, Chrissy. It just can’t. Some,” I flail an arm toward her as I wipe my cheek with my other hand. “Some other girl can’t just tell me to stay out of his life. I’m having his baby for Pete’s sake.”
Chrissy smooths a hand over my hair. For once she has no words for me.
I’m done being sad. That sad feeling is gone. Pity party over. I’m angry now. I fling the tears from my cheeks as I stand up. I want revenge. I want to hurt him. I want his heart to break just like mine is.
My bare feet slap the floor as I pace the distance of the room.
“Wanna tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
I’d almost forgotten that Chrissy was even in my room. “I’m plotting my revenge.”
“On Austin, or the girl who answered his phone?” Chrissy snickers. She knows I don’t have a vengeful bone in my body.
I turn. My eyes fall on my Bible, gathering dust on my dresser. “I know revenge is wrong. God doesn’t want me to do that.” But I’ve already sinned, what’s one more? I roll my eyes closed. “Who have I become?” I’ve never had thoughts like this before. “Chrissy, I feel so far from God.”
“I feel like that would be normal with what you’ve gone through.” She sits on the edge of my bed, kicking her sock covered feet like she’s a toddler. “But you know what the Bible says: God forgives. And He has forgiven you.”
“I haven’t really asked for His forgiveness yet. I mean,” I twist my lips up, a sour taste filling my mouth, “I’ve told Him I’m sorry.” I dig my fingernails on one hand under the nails on the other.
“So, you’ve told God you’re sorry for what you did, but”—she pauses, tilting her head— “you still carry the guilt and the shame?”
I squeeze the back of my desk chair. “Yeah, that’s the simplest way to put it.
I guess.” I look out the window over the desk, watching the sky darken as the sun sets.
“I feel like there’s a wall between me and God.
” I rest a hand on Baby Bean. “I want to have a relationship with God for Baby Bean’s sake, and for mine.
” Running my foot along the leg of the chair, I sigh.
“Do I have to ask Austin’s forgiveness to finally feel better? ”
Chrissy pulls her feet up onto the bed and wraps her arms around her knees.
“I have a feeling that’s what my dad would recommend.
The Bible says to confess your sins, not just to Jesus, but to each other.
” Her hands grip her toes as she rocks back and forth.
“But don’t do it just to say the words, and check that box; do it when you feel like your heart is ready to forgive.
Do it because you want to make things right with God and Austin. ”
I nod my head and sniffle. “I am sorry, which God knows, but I’m not ready to tell Austin. Not yet.”
Chrissy hops off the bed and wraps me in a hug. “So, wait till you’re ready. Now, how ‘bout we go play games, and eat snacks, hang out and take our minds off all this drama?” She drops her arms and grabs my hand. “Come on.”