15. Chapter 14 #2
“I told God I was done with Him. My marriage fell apart. I didn’t want anything to do with a God who took children from their parents.
Children they’d prayed for for years.” He lays his glasses on the table and rubs his tears away with a napkin.
“God chased me for a few years, as I sought my own happiness. Sitting down next to George at the bar that day… Something in me changed. Seeing someone else in pain, seeking that same happiness, did something inside me. I knew where we could both find the happiness and meaning we wanted in life. In God.”
“And next thing I knew, beer wasn’t all that desirable.” Dad coughs, his cheeks coloring. “Virginia wasn’t desirable. But God was.” He meets my eyes. “And that’s how God got me.” He lays a hand on Dave’s shoulder. “God got us. And I can’t thank God, or Dave enough, for it.”
I nod my head, too many thoughts flitting through my mind, preventing me from speaking. Does God want me back? Did God have some plan that maybe… Might bring Raegan and me back together? Or will the rest of my life be lived without Raegan? And if so, how will I survive?
I know that part of the brokenness I feel is the shame, but there’s a Raegan-shaped spot that needs to be filled. And no one but Raegan will ever fill that spot. Ever.
“Well, I didn’t invite Dave over to share his testimony, but I’m glad you got to hear it, Austin.” Dad lays a hand on my shoulder.
A light seems to shine in Dad’s eyes. One that takes me back to when I was younger, a happiness that hadn’t been there while Dad was having his affair. And if I really think about it, it had been missing for even longer than the affair.
I can’t help but wonder if my eyes have changed too.
Is there a new light there? Or, more accurately, had there been a new light there, that’s now gone?
A light that disappeared after that night?
What will happen if the disconnection with Raegan lasts forever?
Would God be enough to fill that void? What if I don’t want God to fill that absence?
“Anyway,” Dad continues, “Dave is a motorcycle guy. And” —He turns toward Dave and waves his hands in the air—“surprise, Dave! I got my license a week ago.”
Ah, that explains Dave’s ponytail. It makes sense. He looks like a motorcycle guy.
Dave lets out a whoop. “We’ll go riding together!”
“And Austin’s birthday is tomorrow, so I figured we’d take him for a ride. Head out to Stone Mountain and hang out for a little while. It’s supposed to be fairly warm tomorrow, so it’ll be a perfect day for it. And once we’re back we’ll grab a cake.”
Nothing will beat my birthday celebration from a year ago. But seeing how much Dad has changed, I want to celebrate with him this year.
I’ve hit a three run home run to a crowded stadium, I’ve watched my girlfriend’s face light up as she opened a special gift from me, and now I’ve ridden a motorcycle.
Top three moments in my life. Sometimes the bike is like a cute little house cat purring, then wham!
It’s a lion, roaring as it triumphs over its prey.
My bones, my muscles, even my skin is rattling, and I don’t even think skin rattles.
But mine is. This bike is powerful. Gosh, my lips are going numb from the vibrations exhibited by this monster.
The wind whips around us as we drive along the highway.
Even with the snug helmet and the country songs playing over the com system, I can still hear the sounds of the road wrapping around me like a hug.
Fast. Free. I might have to get myself a bike of my own.
I feel light, even lighter than the feeling of a horse galloping across an open field.
Only difference would be the bugs pasted on my face shield.
But, even with the dead bug bodies this view is amazing.
No car trim blocking my eyes, I just turn my head and see it all.
Of course riding without a helmet would provide an even better view, but that would be unsafe.
Slowly leaning back, I loosen my grip on Dad’s jacket.
I know Stone Mountain will appear soon, and I’m strangely excited to see it.
There have been many family visits to Stone Mountain in the past. On some of those trips we’d stayed at the Evergreen Lakeside Resort, even though Mom had begged for a stay at the historic inn on the property.
Maybe once I make it to the Majors I’ll send her there on an all expenses paid vacation.
Finally the monolith peeks through the trees.
I’ve seen it countless times, but it still amazes me.
The gray rock, streaked in white from rain, stands resolute and strong.
My heart stops… Resolute and strong, like God’s love.
Love that I don’t deserve, but He gave it anyway.
Love that caused Him to send His only Son for me.
I’ve stood on top of Stone Mountain many times, never ever doubting that it was strong and sturdy, able to hold me up. But now, as I take it in, I realize that I need to see God the same way. Able to hold me up. Carry me through anything.
Dad hops off the bike, and I just sit and stare, waiting for the tears in my eyes to clear.
“You planning to sit there all day?” Dad asks.
I shake my head, praying that the tears are gone. Slowly I remove my helmet. “Yeah, I was just thinking. It’s been a while since I’ve been here.” I cock my head. “I remember it being bigger.”
Dad lets out a hardy laugh. “Well, you’ve grown a bit since the last time we were here. It’s been a few years.” He sets a hand on my shoulder. “Ready to go have some fun?”
“Yep,” I say as I swing my leg over the bike and join Dad and Dave as they walk toward all the attractions surrounding the massive piece of granite.
We enjoy a round of mini golf, a scenic train ride, and some Christmas festivities, and through it all I find my mind going back in time to my birthday planned by Raegan. As nice as it is to be here with Dad, and see him as this new man… Nothing compares to the party Raegan threw for me.
The cable car rocks gently as we ride to the top of the stone.
At the top I look down, the trees below stand tall and strong.
The fountains sputter, continuing to spout their water.
The wind blows, just like it always has.
How is it that grass and flowers keep growing, the sun keeps shining, all under God’s control, but I feel forgotten?
Like, my life has stopped. And I just stand to the side, not seeing, not doing, only feeling pain.
“Are you going to join us for our snacks?” Dad asks, waving a hand in front of my face as he peers at me with concern.
I blink a few times, then slowly stand. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
Summit Snacks, at the top of the mountain, is closed for the season, but Dad packs his own snacks, as usual, so that we have something to eat at the top. It’s a family tradition.
We find a spot to sit, and Dad passes out the snacks.
“Got any birthday wishes this year, Austin?” Dave asks me. “You’ll be nineteen, right?”
I nod as I finish my granola bar. “Yep, nineteen.” I sigh.
“You’ve been extra quiet today. What’s on your mind?” Dad sits criss-cross next to me, his green eyes warm with concern.
Is now the time that I tell my dad what happened?
Will he and Dave judge me? Condemn me? Sure, in the past, Dad wouldn’t have batted an eyelash at me having sex with someone.
I mean, he was cool having an affair, so sex outside marriage was no biggie.
But now that he’s a Christian, I assume that he has the view of sex being between a married man and woman.
I lean back, basking in the sun, hands under my head. “I…” The word comes out in a whisper.
“Unless you confess to something unlawful or illegal, you won’t upset me.” Dad pats my arm. I quirk up one side of my mouth in a sad smile.
“I messed something up. Something big.” I wipe a hand down my face. “And it involved not just me. I hurt someone else.” Saying it that way doesn’t give it all away. It doesn’t name Raegan.
“And you haven’t made it right yet, so it’s weighing heavy on your conscience?” Dave supplies.
“Yeah, that about sums it up.” I sigh again. Sitting up, I wrap my arms around my raised knees. “I feel far from God because of it. And I haven’t talked to the other person.” I close my eyes, not wanting to face either of them.
“Well,” both Dave and Dad start to speak at the same time.
“You go,” Dave says.
“Well, you start with going to God.” Dad pauses. “You’ve got to confess your sin, and ask His forgiveness.”
“But, it doesn’t mean you’ll instantly feel the guilt and shame lift.
” Dave squeezes my shoulder. “It takes time for that to happen. Healing takes time. And, obviously in cases where another person is involved, you’ll need to ask for their forgiveness as well.
I know the struggle, the burden of guilt. Take it to God.”
Dad leans over and pulls me into a hug. “You know if you ever want to share more, I’ll always listen. There won’t be judgment, and if I can, I’ll give you advice. We’re both on the same spiritual journey, growing together.”
I cling to Dad, wrapping my arms around him. It’s so strange. He’s such a different man now. “Thanks, Dad. I’m glad we’re doing this together. It’s good to have you back.”
Dad pulls away, a tear in his eye. “I’m sorry I was ever gone. But maybe God can use this journey somehow.”
“Amen,” Dave agrees.
We ride the cable car back down and take a leisurely ride on the bikes home. We pick up a cake and Dad lights the candles and tells me to make a wish. I don’t want a wish. I want an answered prayer. Wishes are for people who don’t know God, and I know God.
God, I need a miracle.