Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Chloe
Jake bursts through the back door, Bronson trotting along behind him, and I jump back from Miles. I don’t have any illusions that Jake is completely clueless that something’s going on with Miles and me. I’m just not ready for him to walk in on anything, and that kiss was quickly turning into something more than anything.
“Mom, did Miles tell you our secret?” Excitement shines in his eyes as he takes in what is obviously an embrace.
My concern over how Jake might react to seeing me with someone other than his dad skitters away. I slide my hands from Miles’s sides, where I was pulling him to me, to his grooved abs where I’m playfully pushing him away. “Secret? Someone once told me that those don’t make friends.”
Miles lets out an oof , taking a step back and wrapping his arms loosely around his middle. It’s apparent to all of us that he’s faking the effects of being shoved. Hopefully, Jake misses the adjustment Miles makes to his erection, which was just pressed hard against me.
“Good thing we don’t have to worry about that,” he mutters through a smirk.
Jake cocks his head like a puppy. “Wait, I don’t get it. Aren’t you guys friends? Does that mean… What about the secret?” he asks.
“What secret, Jake? Go ahead and tell me.”
I reach into the fridge and pull out ingredients for dinner. Baby potatoes, fresh green beans, and a pork tenderloin coated in cracked black pepper. While I wash the potatoes and prep them to roast, Jake looks to Miles, his brows arched high, a silent conversation marked with wild, exaggerated facial expressions and flailing hands. And when I glance over my shoulder at Miles, I’m relieved to see he looks as clueless as I feel.
“Jake, just spill it already. It’s not like we’re going to be able to hide it from her until Mother’s Day.” A deep belly laugh tumbles from Miles.
“Okay, so, Mom, listen to this, just listen. Oh my glorb , it was so flipping crazy.” Jake jumps into his story, and now, it’s Miles’s turn to tilt his head from side to side, trying to figure out where this story is going. “So, we went and picked up that bench you wanted, so we could surprise you for Mother’s Day because you’re the best mom in the entire world—I’m not even joking. And?—”
“Wait, you guys went to that neighborhood that you said was sketchy—too sketchy for me to go to?” I glare at Miles, who shrugs almost apologetically.
Jake continues. “Yeah, but that’s ’cause we’re the men and being chiva…”
“Chivalrous,” Miles finishes for him.
“Right, chivalrous. That’s it. We were being chivalrous, and that’s one of the rules, so it’s okay. So, we got it and the extra table that the guy had, too. And then we stopped and got flowers and dirt and stuff. And then, Miles said we could go get a drink from the fainting store, and?—”
“Really?” I ask. “That’s what we’re calling it?”
“It fits.” Miles grins, nodding toward the back door. “We should show your mom how nice it looks.”
“Yeah, sure. But then, when we were leaving and getting in the truck, this kid runs out of the store with a lady’s bag—her, um… her…”
“Purse?” I tense, my knuckles turning white around the handle of my knife. I don’t like where this story is headed.
“Yeah, her purse. And so, people run out, yelling, and Miles jumps out of the truck and takes off running after the guy. And Miles is fast, Mom—like, really fast.”
Jake’s gesturing wildly, and I’ve already lost count of how many times he’s said like, and, and so , but I’m not at all excited with the direction this story is taking.
“And I stayed in the truck, just like Miles told me to. I stayed there, and I stuck my head out and talked to the lady. Told her that Miles would get her stuff back ’cause he’s like a hero and stuff. And?—”
“You… wait… you…” I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that my child was not just at a convenience store without me—something I have been adamant about not happening ever —but he was also there during a robbery.
“And then police cars came, and one went flying past—like, really fast. And the other one pulled in, and he—that cop—talked to the lady and the store manager and then, and then, and then he came over to Miles’s truck and waited with me and the lady, and we all waited until Miles came running back. And the police guy, he said…”
As my eyes slam shut, I raise my hand, palm out, wanting nothing more than to stop everything—the words, the story, the worst of my fears playing out in a nightmare come to life. My heart races, my breaths come in shallow pants, and though I’m home, and I know we’re all safe, the wave of panic pulls at me. I open my eyes, needing to orient myself.
One. Deep breath in.
Two. Hold it.
Three…
My vision tunnels, blackness closing in on me at an alarming rate, and I feel the floor slipping away beneath me.
A faint echo of, “Goddamn it. Stay with?—”
And then it all goes blank.
“All right, son, wring it out good and hand it to me. Perfect.”
Cold water hits the back of my neck, clinging to me in a way that doesn’t make sense. Seconds tick by but everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion until my eyelids crease and finally crack open.
“There she is.” Miles’s voice is deep but calm, wrapping around me in a soothing cocoon of soft, cool velvet. “Jake, hand me a bottle of water.”
“Is this my fault? I didn’t mean to…”
The sound of sorry-filled guilt, trepidation oozing out of Jake jolts through me like a slap across the face, throwing me into mama-bear mode. I sit up, pushing against the support holding me upright.
“Stop.” I push hard, earning a loud oof from behind me as I launch my ass up off the kitchen floor, a cold, damp cloth falling away from my neck. Chills race down my spine as my blood boils in my veins.
“Chloe, take it easy,” Miles says.
“Don’t.” I scramble to get my feet under me, wobbling slightly with the sudden movement.
In a flash, Miles is on his feet next to me, steadying me. “Careful, babe. Calm?—”
“No. Just no.” I shove his hands away. “Don’t you tell me to calm down. Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jake gasps, saying, “Mom,” at the same time Miles’s chin jolts back, surprise battling with concern.
He reaches out again, but I push away, feeling like a trapped animal, scared and cornered.
“What made you think that was okay? That you could endanger my child like that?” My voice sounds foreign to me, high-pitched and shaky. A part of me knows that I’m overreacting. Not a lot, but enough. I should calm down—at least for Jake’s sake—but I can’t. I just can’t.
“Chloe, please. He was safe. I would never?—”
“You don’t know that,” I scream.
Miles turns to look over his shoulder. “Jake, go on upstairs for a minute, okay? Let’s give your mom some space. I promise, I’ll be up in a just a little bit.”
“Yes, sir,” Jake says, tears in his eyes, feet pounding up the stairs.
Miles turns back to me, hands resting on his hips, and he just waits… though not for long. The moment I hear Jake’s bedroom door slam closed, I let loose my fears.
“Do you not get it? Do you just not get the significance? My husband—Jake’s father—died in a robbery just like that. In a convenience store, just like that. Kids fucking around, stealing shit, and Dallas died. He had been trained, same as you. Fought. Pulled multiple tours, and he fucking died, Miles. He died. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
“And you took the last of him—the last remaining bit of my husband—my innocent child, and you knowingly left him in a situation that was already dangerous. You left him alone . How could you for a minute think that was okay? How can you stand there and spout shit about not keeping secrets when you didn’t even have the balls to tell me what had happened today?”
My heart pounds against my ribs, and blood rushes hot through my veins. Black spots pop up in front of me, and I feel my vision clouding, tunneling again.
“Breathe in, two, three, four. Hold. Out, two, three, four.” Miles walks me through the exercise, counting for me as I try to calm down.
I close my eyes and allow it, doing all I can not to pass out again. I’m all Jake has. I have to keep my shit together and protect him, keep him safe.
“What do you think I was doing, Chloe? Jake was safe. Completely safe. The windows were down, the vehicle was locked, and I had the fob. If he unlocked that door, the alarm would have sounded. I would never put Jake or you in harm’s way. Not ever,” he says as if responding to what I thought were strictly my thoughts. “Yes, you totally said all of that out loud. But you’re not alone, Chloe, not in this.”
I want to melt into his words, wrap myself up in the promise he made. Cocoon myself in a life that includes Miles.
“I’m here. I’m with you guys, one hundred percent.” He closes the distance between us, his big palms warm against my cheeks as he gently cups my face. “There is no place in the world I’d rather be, no one I’d rather be with. You and Jake are all I need.”
Deep chocolate eyes, flecked with hints of gold, scan my face, searching, waiting. The smallest tug of pressure against the back of my skull guides me closer to Miles.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“I can’t lose him, Miles.”
“I know. I won’t jeopardize that. I won’t risk it.”
“He’s my world.” I beg him to understand, to truly understand the devastation that losing my child would cause me.
“Please,” he pleads, so much pain and yearning overflowing in that one word. “Please believe me. Give me another chance. Forgive me. I don’t want to lose either of you.” His lips hover just above mine. “Please.” A breath away.
I nod, the movement barely perceptible but enough that Miles skates his lips over mine. Kissing me softly. Gently. Need pushes us together, but fear of loss, of smothering this flame, holds me back from completely letting go.
“Miles,” I whisper against his lips, “no more secrets. None, not ever.”
Is it fair of me to demand this? I don’t honestly know. We all have secrets, little ones. Gifts, surprise dinners, happy things. But not the big stuff. There’s no room for secrets in the life-and-death things.
The shift is small, and I can’t really decide if it’s a shift toward me or away. Maybe it’s just a settling acceptance, but when Miles pulls back from me, I feel lost in a way I hate down to my very soul.
“There are things I can’t share, not until they’re done. I have a trip to California coming up. I don’t know exactly when or how long I’ll be gone, but I have to go. There are things I have to take care of.” His gaze darts back and forth between my eyes, searching, begging. Pleading for me to understand.
I suck a deep breath in and slowly push it out. “Work.” I don’t even bother to pose it as a question because I know, without a doubt, that there are things he absolutely can’t tell me. Details I can’t know. There’s a level of trust that’s required for being with a man like Miles, like Dallas, or any one of these men who put their lives on the line for us. Who live dangerously so that we can live free.
“As long as we have honesty at home, no secrets between us.”
Miles answers me with a kiss, so deep, so full of desire that everything else is forgiven.