Chapter 35 Rose
Leaning over my cup of tea, I can’t help but get splashed by my tears falling into the liquid. Sighing angrily, I pour the cup’s contents into the drain. I can’t stop crying and I can’t seem to do the one thing that would actually help, which is to call or message Wes about what’s actually going on. Erick told me he was getting out of the hospital today, so I know I will need to talk to him sooner, rather than later, but after everything that happened at the hospital, my neverending panic attack, all the memories of my dad . . . I just couldn’t bring myself to set foot in that hospital again. He had this horrible, traumatic experience and here I am, losing it at just simply hearing about it. Just thinking about it has tears streaming down my face, yet again.
I bat at them with a Kleenex and suddenly stiffen as Chloe walks in. She’s been my constant companion since everything happened and won’t leave my side. “Hey, honey. I’ll make you a new cup.” Grabbing my mug, she strides over to the counter and starts brewing some chamomile leaves before I even answer. I watch the steam rise off the mug and move myself over to the couch by the fireplace.
Even though I’ve been a mess, life still must go on. Lucy and my mom have been running the store and I know I need to sort through everything Lucy and I brought back from Duluth that horrible day. Gazing at the piles of boxes, teas, and books in front of me, I start to work through them—tea leaves for our bulk bins, books go to the bookshelves, other items go for stocking.
“Can I turn a light on?” Chloe hands me my cup of tea, smiling at me gently.
“I didn’t realize they were off,” I say absently. The lights flicker on after Chloe flips the switch and the true intensity of her staring at me hits me like a rock. What is even happening to me?
“I know you asked me not to mention him, and I’m sorry, but have you talked to Wes? Texted him?” She furrows her brow. She’s fussing.
“A little texting, but how can I explain all this over a text? I disappeared when he needed me most.”
“Part of that was the doctors told you that you needed rest and that it would be a bad idea to go see him after everything you’d been through.” She brushes a curly strand out of her face and continues to level me with those eyes. If they weren’t so warm and comforting, I’d have to look away.
“You don’t get it, I left him. Alone. Like he did, to me.” Tears start anew and I bury my face in a pillow, letting out a sob.
“Sweetie, I know you. Are you really comparing him not contacting you to you having a panic attack? Because that cannot be further from the same thing. You are dealing with a lot, Wes coming back, his accident—I’m sure it’s bringing up things for you from when your dad died.”
“I can’t lose him again.” My voice is muffled through the pillow. Chloe leans over and slowly pulls it down off of my puffy face.
“I know.”
Chloe rubs my back and strokes my hair, moving to sit next to me and hold me. Suddenly the bell rings. Startled, I see Wes at the door and everything in my body tells me to run over and hug him—to kiss him and tell him how much I love him and that I’m so sorry. But I don’t, I sit here, like an idiot, rubbing at my face like it will help.
“I’ll give you two some time alone. I have some errands to run anyway.” Chloe gracefully exits to our backroom, closing the door behind her.
My breath catches as Wes walks towards me, sitting down across from where I’m huddled.
“I’m glad to see you’re alright, I was worried about you.” He changes his mind, moving next to me on the couch and I can’t help but relax at seeing him again. Seeing him safe . I relish the moment of comfort before the inevitable, difficult conversation ahead.
“I’m okay . . . I’m so sorry, Wes. Are you okay?” My eyes dart to the cast on his leg and the bruises I can see along his arms. The full impact hits me and my crying begins again.
“What are you sorry for? I heard you had a panic attack after they told you and that you were at the hospital too? Are you okay? ”
“I did, but that doesn’t excuse any of it. I should have been there for you and I couldn’t keep my shit together long enough to see you.”
“Rose—” He stops, brushing a hair from my clammy, wet face, cupping my cheek. Closing my eyes, I think of all the ways he could have responded to this and here he is, caring for me.
“You almost died,” I interject.
“Well, that’s going a little far.”
“I heard you were unconscious.”
“I was. My body was in shock from the fall, but I only have a mild concussion and this leg to contend with. I’ll be okay.” He grabs my hands and brings them to his lips.
“How can you forgive me like this? I was so harsh on you and you’re just letting me off the hook? I don’t deserve it.”
“You most certainly do. You deserve everything, Rose. Just because circumstances have made it hard for us, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be together, or that we can’t find the good in it. I feel like you’ve taught me that.”
All I can do is shake my head. I have no words and I know there’s no use trying to argue with him.
“If we need to work through this, talk with a counselor, or get help with any anxiety you’re feeling, I’m happy to do that. It’s all worth it to be with you. I meant it when I said that you’re everything to me. You always have been.”
“I shouldn’t be!” I yell, standing up. Wes stands up next to me, hands on my arms. “I was so mad at you when you came back—for leaving, for not talking to me—and now I’ve done the same thing, left you alone when you needed me, and you don’t care?” I poke him in the chest and he just looks at me with his soft eyes and something inside me breaks.
“I do care, but I also know that you were going through something very hard and handled it the best that you could. Erick said they all agreed that you shouldn’t see me while I was still at the hospital. I would have understood that, Rose.” He runs his hands through his hair, unsure of what to do or how to help. “And these situations are completely different,” he adds, looking so deeply into my eyes that I have to look away. “You have to know that, right?”
Exhausted, I slump over back onto the couch. “I can’t lose you again,” I whisper against his chest as his arms hold me and all that I’ve been holding back comes out. “I can’t. You’re everything to me, too. When Erick called I just had this feeling. Like it was happening again.”
“Happening again? Do you mean me leaving? Or what happened with your dad?”
“Both. My dad was brought to that hospital after his accident and he was gone before I was even able to say goodbye.” At that admission, a small sob escapes my throat and I try to bury deeper into him. “I haven’t been back in since it happened.”
His hand lightly strokes my hair as I cry and then he whispers, “Rose, it makes a lot of sense now why you had the attack. That’s a lot to ask of someone, and that’s a lot of memories tied to that place.”
“I’m so sorry,” I sob as he lifts my face so I’m looking him straight in the eyes. His whiskey brown eyes that are shining with his own unshed tears.
“There’s absolutely nothing to apologize for and I need you to hear that. You had a horrible thing happen to you, to your family, and I completely understand why it would be hard for you to go back there.”
Before I know it, his lips are on mine and he’s kissing away every tear.