21 #3
My heart is still beating with frenzy.
Suddenly, his hand slides from my waist to my elbow, and with one smooth pull, he guides me towards the side of the path, behind the shelter of a thick pine heavy with snow.
My heart shoots into my throat.
This is it.
This is when the warmth drops out of him and he shows me what trying to escape cost me.
But he draws me against him instead.
And it isn’t violent or forceful like before. It rather turns me into a damn participant in my own captivity.
His arms close around me; one across my back, the other at the nape of my neck, pressing my face into the hard warmth of his chest.
His mouth lowers near my ear, and when he speaks, his voice is intimate enough to make us seem like lovers, and low enough that Anders cannot hear.
‘Smile,’ he murmurs. ‘I won’t harm anyone. And you will quit wearing that expression like I’m dragging you to your execution.’
A fractured breath leaves me. ‘Aren’t you?’
His chest rises against mine.
Then his thumb moves once against the back of my neck in an almost soothing line that drags a shiver straight out of me.
‘I’m letting you know how not to make things worse.
Hold me here—’ He guides one of my hands to his side, beneath his arm.
‘—the other around my back. Lean in. Breathe like you were scared and you missed me, not like you’re waiting for me to break your bones. ’
I bite back the whimper pushing past my tongue as my fingers curl into the heavy fabric of his coat.
I hate this so much.
Ahead of us, Anders turns.
Elias shifts at once, lowering his forehead closer to mine, his body shielding my face from view.
The white-bearded man offers a warm smile, then turns back towards the path, leaving us behind.
‘Good girl,’ Elias croons, eyes holding mine in this small sliver of space. ‘Do you realise now why I never need to bind you?’
‘Yes.’ It comes out too quickly.
‘The direction you were taking,’ he says, tilting his head sideways to look through the trees we’ve left behind. ‘It’s a four-hour walk. Longer in this snow. At the end of it, there’s a cliff.’ Then he looks at me with eyes too bright, face too hard. ‘And nothing else.’
It winds around me with nauseating finality.
I stare past him, towards the trees I’ve fought through with all that stupid, furious hope, every blade mark, every burning step, and every breath I’ve dragged into my lungs as if freedom was only a matter of endurance.
And all of it have led nowhere.
No.
Not nowhere. I now know this is the wrong way. My mind begins mapping the world around me in a different way.
‘To the east,’ he continues, tone softening in a way that makes it worse, ‘there’s a town.’
My eyes snap back to his. He watches the reaction pass over my face. One corner of his mouth shifts when my eyes widen. He waits until I’ve already begun calculating before he speaks again.
‘Too far on foot. Much too far in this weather. Even without the blizzard coming in, you wouldn’t reach it before dark.’ His thumb brushes once over my wrist. ‘And dark out here hides things that are far better at surviving than you.’
My mouth goes dry.
‘Wolves,’ he pushes softly. ‘Cold. Exposure. Bad footing. A wrong turn. A broken ankle. Maybe even one very large, scruffy bear.’
The forest closes around that sentence.
‘People always said I’m more of a big scruffy bear,’ he’d said during one of my prison visits.
His words have become too real to pretend they’re theatrical. It’s no longer the story he told in the cabin with the fire burning and food on the table. I’ve seen the snow. Seen the terrain. Felt the cold. More than once.
Elias leans over until his mouth is near my temple, his embrace still neatly arranged for Anders’ eyes.
‘That is why the doors in the house aren’t bolted. That is why I let you look out of every window until you convince yourself there could be a way.’ His breath warms my skin. ‘Eventually, you will understand that there is none.’
A shiver rolls through me, so violent I feel it knock against his arms.
‘“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” S?ren Kierkegaard. Possibly.’
His grip tightens as he holds me, but he makes sure it doesn’t hurt.
‘When we’re back at the cabin, Anders will help me with the animals. You will play a good little woman, and you’ll tidy up the shitshow you left behind.’
I angle my chin, searching his eyes. Because I haven’t left anything behind.
‘And Leah—’ He inches closer to me. Holds like that as his throat works around a swallow. ‘Next time you decide to run – I won’t come after you. Do you understand what that means?’
My gaze curves around his shoulder and trails the endless white towards the horizon. I stop looking for a crack in it. My fingers clench his coat instead.
I incline my head because my voice has given out.
The snow has convinced me it can make me disappear. So have the trees. The distance. The silence where no road answers.
I knew Elias had brought me to a cage without a lock.
But now it feels truer than ever.