Chapter 49 Isaac
ISAAC
Watching them is the exact sort of torture I‘ve been craving. I’ve needed a punishment for letting Evan go. I’ve wanted to wallow and suffer in a way that was more acute than the chronic depression I’ve been in. And this is fucking perfect.
I also understand they need this. The valley separating Deacon and Evan is what took Evan away in the first place, and they’re the only ones who can build the bridge across it.
I’m determined as hell to be patient, even if it means I don’t get to have Evan in my bed before he goes back to LA.
I won’t push him too far too fast again.
This feels very much like a test. I know in my heart I have room to love both of them wildly.
My bed is certainly big enough to hold them, too.
But with a past full of disappointments, there’s only a certain level of conflict I can tolerate.
I’m ready for certainty. I’m ready to make a commitment. I’m ready for my life to feel whole.
“Sorry.” Evan is facing me with his head resting on Deacon’s chest. His cheeks are flushed, and his lips are raw and kiss-swollen.
I shake my head with a small smile. “A month is a long time.”
Deacon pulls his spent cock out of Evan’s hole. Seeing it covered in that unique froth of cum and lube has my mouth watering.
“Let me…clean this up.” I make myself stand and zip up my pants. In the kitchen I wet a dish towel with warm water and bring that along with a dry one back to the couch where Deacon is helping Evan off his lap.
We pass the towels back and forth, and everyone gets their pants back into place. Once we’re decent again, I sit.
Deacon and I put Evan between us, and that feels right to me.
Although Evan had nothing to do with the way I met Deacon, he’s a big part of why I’ve been able to connect with Deacon as deeply as I have, not just physically.
The way we want and love and miss him—however differently we may express it—is a large part of the emotional bond I feel with Deacon.
I won’t assume Deacon feels the same way, but I’d have a hard time believing Evan’s got nothing to do with it.
“You know I think you’re amazing, right?” Evan asks me.
“I know I want you to think that. I definitely think you’re amazing.”
“I understand a little better the position I put you in. I do get how you can be in love with two people at the same time.”
I glance at Deacon who casts his gaze down to his hands, like Evan’s words have given him something to think about.
“I haven’t gone out with anyone in a month. I haven’t even wanted to. I think I thought when I left that all this was casual—just something I was experimenting with to see if I could do it. I’m talking about the sex by the way.”
I nod, sensing he has more to say.
“What I didn’t factor in was the feelings I already had for both of you. It was almost like the sex got in the way? Like it was so much.”
Wanting to be with him isn’t something I can apologize for because I’m not sorry for wanting them exactly the way I did and still do.
I had my chances to talk to him and convince him my feelings for him were real.
I thought he was listening, and maybe that’s what he’s trying to say. That he heard me.
“And it was messy,” he adds.
I can agree with that. If Deacon’s sigh is any indication, he agrees, too.
“I didn’t want to be between you, and I didn’t want to be someone to fight over or because of.
I wasn’t jealous exactly, but I did feel torn—like I was being pulled in two directions.
Not between you, but toward you and away from you.
Like it was all or nothing. To be honest, I’m not even sure I knew what the fuck I wanted, but I wasn’t expecting you,” he says to me.
“I thought you were just having fun with me.”
“And that was okay with you?” I ask, trying not to let that hurt or make me regret not telling him I had feelings for him sooner.
“I mean, it kept things simple. I knew to keep my emotions in check when I went into your office and my expectations low. Because I saw how much you dated. How much you wanted more with someone—not me.”
I swallow hard. “Why wouldn’t you let me kiss you?”
“I don’t even know anymore. Because we were already breaking so many rules? Because I had a thing for him,” he says nodding toward Deacon. “Because I felt like I’d eventually win him over, and you’d find the right guy, and I didn’t want to like you any more than I already did.”
It’s hard to regret anything I did or didn’t do with Evan because ultimately, it brought Deacon into my life, and I can’t imagine myself without him anymore. Still, it put us all in this fragile place where one wrong move could shatter us.
“But I do like you that much. I love you,” Evan says to me.
“I love you like—so much. I’ve spent the last month fucking hating myself for not being able to do better and suck it up and fight for you.
” He glances back at Deacon. “Maybe fight is the wrong word. I never wanted to hurt you. Either of you.”
“Did it hurt you to leave?” Deacon asks.
“Not at first. I mean, it sort of sucked, but don’t you both think I was right to get out of your way?”
“Maybe,” Deacon and I say at the same time.
I clear my throat, and Deacon lets me take point. “I think what we’re saying is that we understand we were sweeping you up into something that was happening between us very fast, and maybe too fast for you.”
“It was,” he says.
“Evan, anyone can understand why it was harder for you,” I say. “It was the weirdest love triangle of all time that you didn’t ask to be part of.”
“Didn’t I? Wasn’t I the one who put myself in the middle?”
“You already were in the middle,” Deacon says. “All you did was point it out. We all had to come to terms with it at our own pace.”
Picking up where Deacon leaves off, I add, “It’s the only way a relationship like this has even the slightest chance of working. At least, that’s how I see it.”
“I see it that way, too,” Deacon says. “You and I were always gonna take longer.”
“Why?” Evan asks him.
“Because we met at a terrible time in my life. A time when I wasn’t ready to open up and let anybody anywhere close to me.”
“And we’re boyfriend material?” Evan asks.
“Yeah. And I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.”
Evan’s ability to practically read Deacon’s mind will never cease to amaze me. “And Isaac is how you knew you were ready.”
Deacon nods. “Also, you know…”
“Sobriety,” Evan finishes.
“Exactly. Although I don’t think it’s very useful to think about how things could have happened when we already know they happened the way they did.”
“You’re right,” Evan says. “And I admit that’s exactly how I was thinking about it. In terms of all the what ifs.”
My patience is wearing perilously thin. I need to put the whole thing on the line and get crystal clear. “And now? Are you ready for two boyfriends?”
“So fucking ready,” Evan says so easily I almost can’t believe I’m hearing him right. “If you guys can handle long distance.”
I let out my breath and lean toward him. He catches my face and presses a kiss on my cheek. “Yes. Anything. I need you. I need you back.”
“I love you, Isaac,” he whispers.
“I love you, too. So fucking much.”
“I know.”
Cradling his jaw in my hand, I adjust his face to align our mouths.
I kiss him, inhaling the long sigh he lets out as his lips melt against mine.
Our tongues meet with a tentative lick, but once I have the taste of him occupying my senses again, I practically fall into his mouth.
He catches me by the waist, but lets me take over, leaning back into the sofa cushions as I press into him.
Deacon’s hand moves between my legs, sliding up to my crotch, spurring me on.
I already knew he wouldn’t deny me this, but his encouragement is even better.
I think if he had to, he’d strip Evan naked and hold his legs open so I could get inside him faster if he felt like I couldn’t manage it myself.
Between Evan’s soft whimpers and Deacon’s firm strokes, I’m so fucking hard again, my zipper barely stands a chance.
Distantly I hear Deacon’s low voice speaking to Evan. “You weren’t in the way. You were just in the middle. Exactly where we wanted you.”
“Mmph…” Evan grunts, his hips lifting from the couch.
“Can you handle it? Both of us?”
Evan nods, even as he keeps kissing me.
“You’re lucky you don’t live in town anymore,” Deacon says, opening my pants and sliding his hand in.
The soft sucking noises of his mouth on Evan’s neck punctuates this uncharacteristic outpouring of words.
A side of him I swear only Evan brings out.
“You’ll need time to recover from what’s about to happen to you. ”
“Mmm…” Evan moans before throwing his head back. I slide down to kiss his neck and Deacon’s mouth finds mine in the process. Our tongues cross paths as we suck and nip at Evan’s throat. I’ve got a hand on his abs, but it drifts lower as Evan’s hips keep bucking up in search of a touch or more.
“Shower,” Evan says breathily. “I need a shower.”
“You and me both,” Deacon says.
“My dirty boys,” I say, unable to disguise the reverence in my voice. “I’ll go warm up the water.”