15. Simone
Simone
I have carefully planned and curated my entire life.
Ever since I was a little kid, anything I wanted to do or dreamt of, I made happen—I wanted to do ballet and convinced my mom to let me go to one of the best ballet schools in Atlanta.
I even found scholarships for the school, so they could afford it—I got the lead role in many recitals and was always one of the strongest dancers in my class, even when we moved to Charlotte.
I wanted a new computer one year and found every neighbor who would let me do yard work or clean their house to earn enough money to buy it.
I wanted a sister more than anything, and although I never got one from my parents, I got Lydia, and that was close enough, if not better.
When I met Tyler, I knew he was the one for me.
I had this vision of the perfect boyfriend and the perfect life together—us being the couple who met as kids, fell in love, and grew up to get married one day.
I wanted the picture-perfect story for my life, and Tyler checked all the boxes to fit into that with me.
He was smart, sweet—a little shy—but so driven.
He wanted to be a lawyer just like I did, and all I could see in beaming lights was “Power Couple of the Century”.
Two kids who came from nothing and made it big in life.
There have been many wrenches sadly thrown into that dream, but the worst one was when I found out he would be going to a different college than me.
Like me, Tyler grew up lower-middle-class. Our families weren’t well-off, and we never had college tuition covered. We knew from an early age that whatever dreams and careers we pursued, we would have to find a way to make them financially happen on our own.
I was okay with that; like I said, everything I’ve ever wanted, I made happen.
I knew I had the grades and academic record to get me into most of the colleges I had my eye on.
Of course, Lydia and I had always dreamed about going to A I could be the life of the party everywhere I went; I got good grades; I was involved with the community; I was the friend that would be there for you at the drop of a hat; my relationship looked perfect on the outside, and I had perfected the image everyone else saw.
Yet…I was completely empty inside.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tyler—love—I love Tyler.
I think.
But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be loved as wildly, as passionately, and as boldly as I’ve always dreamed about.
I’m almost nineteen, and Tyler and I have been together for almost five years.
I guess…I guess I just keep wondering when that fire will grow.
When will I be good enough for him to be head-over-heels for?
When will I be more than just the easy choice, the one that looks good on paper, the one he doesn’t have to put much effort into?
I’m sitting in our dorm on my bed, hair still wet from my shower, putting product into my damp curls, and holding my phone to my ear with my shoulder. My laptop is open, and I have my notes spread out on my bed, ready for a Saturday morning study session once I finish talking to Tyler.
The phone rings three times, and then I hear his voice on the other end—warm and still a little sleepy. “Hey, babe.”
“Hey…I’ve missed your voice.”
“I’ve missed yours. Sorry, I’ve been so busy this week. Catch me up.”
I smile, excited to tell him how things have been going. “Well…you’re officially talking to a Delta Gamma sorority sister,” I squeal, excited anytime I get to say that out loud.
Rushing for a sorority was just another one of those things I had my mind set on doing, and of course, I made it happen.
“Dang, girl. Look at you. I knew you would.”
I smile into the phone, cheesing a little too hard. “Yeah, we had our mixer party last night to get everyone new introduced to each other.”
“How was that?” he asks.
“So much fun! Well, the partying part was. I made Lydia and Lani come. But I had to be there a lot earlier to set up, and I got paired with some sophomore frat guy from the Sigma Chi house, which our house apparently works with a lot. The guy was a complete ass to me most of the time, bossing me around and being a dick during setup.”
“Douche.”
“It is what it is,” I say. “I didn’t even think about him again once we started partying.”
That’s kind of a lie…
I don’t know what it was about Mason that took me aback a little.
Yeah, he was a jerk to me, but I could tell that wasn’t his normal personality.
When I asked some of the girls about him at the mixer, they all said he was usually the life of any party and one of Greek Row’s biggest players.
They talked about how funny and reckless he was.
That wasn’t who I got a glimpse of…but first impressions can be wrong.
“Sounds like your classic frat guy,” Tyler says on the other line. He sounds like he’s up, busy doing something, kinda distracted.
“Yeah.”
I wait for him to ask more, but he doesn’t.
“Anyway, I can’t wait for you to meet some of the girls from the house. I’m ready for you to come back and visit already. There’s so much we have to do in Texas together. We barely did anything but go to parties when you came last time.”
“I want to,” he says, but it’s distant. “I just don’t know when. Basketball and school have been brutal lately.”
“Next month, maybe?” I ask. “We could go to that fall festival in town, or find a nearby lake for the weekend.” I can already see it with the weather changing. The cozy sweaters, the fair lights, his hand in mine. “It’d be fun.”
“Yeah, maybe,” he says again, the words landing a little flat.
“Maybe?” I laugh softly, trying to keep it light. “Tyler, I’m giving you the perfect getaway, and you sound like I offered you a dentist appointment.”
He laughs, but it’s half-hearted. “You know I want to see you, babe. I just have to figure stuff out here. I think you’d love L.A. It’s so…different.”
“I bet,” I say back. I don’t mean for it to come out so small and defeated, but it does.
He must hear it, because his voice softens. “Hey, don’t sound so sad. We’re making this work. I told you we would.”
“I know.” My eyes sting, and I hate that they do. “I just miss you. That’s all.”
“I miss you too, Simone.”
“Yeah.” I bite my lip, smiling even though he can’t see it. “Okay.”
We talk for a few more minutes—about classes, about how the team is treating him, about how many times a day his mom has been calling him, but every time I tell him something about my life here, the girls, the house, the people I’m meeting, he just says that’s great, like he’s reading from a script.
When we go to hang up, he tells me he loves me, and I tell him I love him too. The words feel the same as they always have, but they also hit a little differently this time.
Like I said, they feel the same as always…but maybe that’s the problem.
I toss my phone aside so I won’t be tempted to text him asking if we’re okay, if he actually still loves me, all the things I normally do when I’m feeling insecure with him.
Lydia tosses a pillow over at me when she sees the sadness I have plastered all over my face that I meant to keep hidden.
“Hey!” she says firmly. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Be all sad and shit. I hate seeing you so down every time you get off the phone with him. I know how much you two love each other. Must suck being apart.”
“Yeah…it does.”
I am sad…but it’s not because I miss him so much that it hurts to breathe. I’m sad because it’s still easy to breathe when he’s not around.
I want a love so strong that I feel a physical ache when I’m not around him.
I want Tyler to show me that kind of love.
It can still happen, right?