21. Simone
Simone
“Lyd, are you ready for midterms next week?” I ask as we’re shuffling around the room, getting ready for the day.
Lydia groans, trying to drink the magical hangover drink Lani made her. “Simone…I love you…but I can’t think about school right now.”
“Are you at least coming to the study group tonight?”
“Study group?” she asks, genuinely confused. “No…tonight is that homecoming party off campus.”
“You’re going to a party tonight?”
I don’t mean for it to come off like she shouldn’t be going out. I’m just…a little concerned with how much she’s been going out recently, especially since a lot of it is alone without either Lani or me.
She puts her glass down and looks over at me. “I thought we were going to the party.”
My face drops. I’d much rather her be going with me tonight…
know she was safe. I wish I could always make sure she was okay.
But she’s grown. I can’t stop her. I wouldn’t ever stop her.
I want her to have fun. I just want to make sure that fun isn’t becoming some way for her to cope.
I never want her to have to cover up how she’s feeling around me.
“What?” she asks a little harshly.
“Nothing, Lyd,” I say, not wanting to upset her or push her away. I feel like I’ve mastered the art of tiptoeing around her sometimes so that I don’t trigger upsetting her, especially when I’m just looking out for her.
“Simone…when have we ever censored how we felt around each other?”
I try to figure out how to tell her I’m concerned without telling her she shouldn’t be doing something she enjoys.
“It’s just…I mean, I don’t really know what a bender looks like or anything,” I tell her gently, “but the way you’ve been nonstop partying and drinking…feels like what I would imagine one to look like.”
She rolls her eyes. “We’re in college, Simone. We’re supposed to be partying a lot.”
“Lyd…you’ve been out every night this week.”
“Again…it’s homecoming,” she tells me. “Everyone is partying this week.”
“I’ve only been to one party this whole week,” I tell her, just trying to point out that I like partying too, but there’s gotta be a line somewhere when it becomes an unhealthy amount.
“I’ve been having a good time, Simone. I’m finally happy and having some real fun. Why is that a problem?”
“It’s not,” I tell her, then I soften my tone some. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like it was…I just haven’t seen you like this before. I want to make sure everything is okay.”
I want to tell her partying isn’t the problem; it’s what comes with it—the drinking, the random hook-ups with guys that could hurt her…not only physically but emotionally. Everything parties attract feels like something that could take her down a bad path if she lets it.
“Yes, everything is okay, Simone. I’m good. Better than good.”
“I just miss you, too, though,” I tell her. “I feel like if I don’t constantly go out with you, I never get to see you.”
“You’re the one too busy with the sorority most days.”
That hurts because the sorority has given me a place where I feel I fit in and enjoy; it’s opened new doors for me and will keep opening them, and it’s introduced me to some really good people.
I never want that to replace the friendship that Lydia and I have, though.
Nobody could overshadow her or what she means to me.
“Don’t do that, Lyd. I always make time for you when I can.”
“I’m not saying that you don’t. I’m just saying that you have something you enjoy doing, and I found something I enjoy doing. What’s the problem?”
“There’s no problem,” I say, kind of defeated, “if you’re actually okay, Lyd. But I just figured…I might need to check on you. You know…with what’s coming up—”
I don’t want to say it out loud or upset her, but every year on her sister’s death anniversary and birthday, Lydia tends to spiral a little.
I’m always right there when she does to pick her back up…
but ever since Eli…it’s been harder to spot her spirals.
She’s starting to either get better with not going into that dark space…
or she’s getting better at hiding it from me. That option scares me the most.
“Don’t, Simone,” she warns.
“I know you’ve been doing good lately…I just don’t want to see you crash. I want to make sure this is you actually doing good and not just masking something you aren’t talking about.”
She lets out a scoff. “You’re my best friend, Simone, not my therapist. I’m okay. I promise.”
I never want her to feel like I’m trying to fix her. I just want her to know I have always and will always be here for her to lean on and come to. “I just care, Lydia. I’ve been here for all the highs and lows, and I’ll continue to be, but if something is wrong, I want you to be able to tell me.”
“Yeah, I know. And I will. You don’t need to worry about me, Simone. I’m good.”
All I can do is take her word…and trust that she’s okay. I can’t force her to come to me…I can only be there if and when she needs me.
* * *
The library has been turned into a studying palooza—tables moved around, study groups formed together, and lo-fi music playing through speakers, setting the mood perfectly.
I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor with Lani, two Gamma girls, and a couple of other people who have the same economics class as us.
Flashcards, notebooks, and half-eaten food wrappers cover the table beside us.
Everyone is in this weirdly enjoyable mix of panic and productivity, preparing for midterms.
“Okay, one more,” I say, holding up a flashcard. “What’s the law of diminishing marginal utility?”
Lani groans, dropping her head onto her notebook. “The law of what now?”
“Come on now,” I encourage. “You know this.”
“I do not know whatever language you’re speaking. I am so doomed.”
We all laugh, and then I try to find the best way to help her remember the answer.
After wrapping up some more studying, Lani stands up.
“Okay, my brain is shutting off,” she tells me as she grabs her bag and looks at the time on her phone. “I’m gonna go meet up with Lydia. You sure you don’t wanna ditch all this and come too?”
I shake my head. “I wish I could, but I really need to make sure I keep my grades high if I want a chance of getting into law school.”
Lani lets out a playful groan. “Ugh, such an overachiever. I wanna be you when I grow up.”
I laugh at her and stand up to hug her before she leaves. “Keep an eye on her, okay?”
Lani nods. “I will, promise.”
An hour later, I’m sitting up on the table, one leg hanging off, one propped up for me to lean on as I’m deep in flashcard mode, writing everything down from my textbooks, when I hear a familiar laugh.
I turn my head to see Mason walking in with a couple of guys from the football team, all still in their sweatsuits from after practice.
His backpack is slung over one arm with a cup of coffee in one hand and his phone in the other.
He tucks his phone away as he goes to dap up a couple of guys on the way in, and then somehow finds me in the crowd of people, directing the guys he’s with to follow him as he makes a beeline over to me.
“What’s up, Edwards?” he says, bumping my propped-up leg, making me lose my balance a little.
I swat at him with my notebook. “No distractions allowed.”
He smirks down at me. “So I distract you?”
“Distract, annoy…same thing,” I tease.
“Mhmm,” he says, smirking at me as he leans down to give me a side hug.
The smell of his fresh coffee invades all my senses, and the instant craving it gives me makes me moan out loud as I hug him back.
Yes…I actually moaned over the smell of caffeine.
Horrified, my eyes snap to his, and he’s already laughing.
“That was for the smell of your coffee,” I tell him quickly, “not…you.”
I feel my cheeks getting hot from the embarrassment.
“You planned on being here for how long, and you didn’t get coffee?”
I shake my head. “I didn’t really think ahead, sadly.”
He holds his coffee out in my direction. “Take it.”
“What? No. I’m not taking your coffee.”
“I just got it,” he tells me. “I haven’t even taken a sip, so you don’t have to worry about the cooties.”
I roll my eyes and smile. “Really, I can’t take it. I’ll just have to take a break eventually and try to get one if the cafe is still open.”
He puts the cup down in front of me, backing away. “You can take it…and you will. I’m gonna go grab a back table and pretend to study for a little. If I come back and that coffee isn’t gone, I’m going to—”
“Going to what?” I ask, cutting him off with a smirk.
He shakes his head, still walking backwards. “I don’t think you wanna find out, so…” He tips his head to the coffee, “caffeinate yourself.”
I give up and just salute him, smiling. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be over here if you need me.”
“What would I need you for?” I ask, teasingly.
He stops walking for a second. “You’re right. I’m the one who probably needs you.”
The way he says it makes me pause.
I see him watching me before he clarifies. “You know, cause you’re much smarter than me and all.”
My phone buzzes, making me look down as I see Mason in my peripheral, turning around to walk away with the guys.
I open up my phone to see a text.
Tyler: It’s been a busy day, but I was thinking about you. Miss you babe. Let’s try for that call tomorrow? Can’t wait to come see you soon
I smile down at my phone, realizing how much I’ve missed his attention lately, and text back.