37. Simone
Simone
“Lyd, you’ve barely talked to me all week.”
What is up with everyone purposely ignoring me lately?
“I’ve just been busy, Sim.”
“Busy doing what?”
“Just stuff.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, trying not to pry too much.
My foot won’t stop tapping from the nerves, wanting to ask her all the things I’m actually worried about.
“You’ve just…I don’t know. It seems like you keep going through these lows and highs, like one week I’m hanging out with you every day and then for the next two weeks I’ll see your face once or twice.”
She finally looks up at me, and the look she’s giving me is hard and defensive. “Why are you so annoyed with me right now?”
“I’m not annoyed,” I tell her, softening my tone. “I’m worried.”
“It doesn’t feel like you’re worried,” she snaps. “It feels like you’re judging me. Every time I’m not stuck up your ass, you think I’m spiraling.”
I take a deep breath, not wanting to set her off, but also trying not to let my feelings get hurt either.
“I’m just trying to be there for you and help.
You used to tell me everything, and now I don’t even feel like I know you anymore.
I don’t know what you like to do; you’re always out and never invite me, and I feel like you don’t like talking to me anymore unless it’s about all the good stuff.
I wanna hear about the bad too. I always have. ”
“I don’t need any help, Simone. I’m not some little project for everyone to fix. I’m good. I’m tired of talking about the bad. I wanna leave it in the past. Fuck…why can’t we just leave all the past shit alone?”
“I just care about you, Lyd. And I know you. I know your patterns. Just…let me be there when you need someone.”
“I don’t need anything. I’m good. I wish you would just back off. It gives me more anxiety when you sit here and constantly pry when I don’t want to be dissected.”
“You don’t need to get offended every time I ask how you’re doing. I just care.”
She stands from her bed, grabbing her bag. “Like I said, I’m good. I don’t need this. It just makes me feel like everyone around me thinks I’m some shit-show that can’t take care of herself.”
“Lyd—”
She barges out of our dorm right as Lani is walking in. She barrels past her, and Lani looks back at her, walking down the hall and then to me in our room, confusion written all over her face.
“What happened now?”
I shake my head and lie back on my bed. “Same old, same old. Just trying to check in on her, and somehow I managed to piss her off.”
She looks back out into the hallway before walking all the way in and shutting the door. “Damn, I’m sorry.”
I press my palms to my eyes, trying to ease the tension. “I don’t even recognize her anymore. I thought she was doing good. She seemed better after spring break, just to go back to being distant and hiding everything she does again.”
Lani sits down next to me. “As much as I want her to come to you or me and tell us every time she’s struggling…I also get it.”
I prop myself up to look at her. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Like, I just get not wanting to talk about certain things that trigger you.
Sometimes talking about them when you don’t fully understand them yourself just intensifies all the feelings and makes you feel so…
stuck in them. Like they’re starting to drown you, and then you just have someone above the water asking you how they can help you while you’re in the middle of panicking yourself and can’t think straight. ”
“Then how do I help?”
She shrugs. “I wish I had the answers. The truth is, I don’t know.
Maybe just being there and trying to focus on the good with her, not always pointing out the bad?
But you gotta remember, at the end of the day, you can’t fix anyone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
If something is going on and she doesn’t want help, you can’t force it. ”
I shrink a little at that. I don’t know how to not be there, forcing my help on the ones I love. I’m so used to dragging her out of the dark that I don’t know how to just leave her in it.
“I love her, Lani. She’s my family. I don’t know how not to care.”
“You never have to stop caring. You just have to let them decide when they’re ready to need you.”
“I feel like she’s hiding so much from me. She never does that. The last time she did, it ended with a really fucked up situation of her being hurt that I felt like if I had just kept my foot in the door and not let her slam it on me, I could have helped.”
Lani looks over at me with a saddened expression. “Your mind tells you that you could have done something, but that’s not actually reality. The reality is that she probably wouldn’t have let you in back then either, no matter how much you pushed.”
I groan. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I feel helpless, like I’m being forced to watch a car crash happen knowing someone I love is in one of the cars, and you’re telling me I can’t do anything to stop it.”
“I’m telling you it’s not always possible, and you can’t blame yourself for other people’s choices. You can only control yourself, be there for them, and show you care without forcing their hand.”
I let out an annoyed sigh. “I still don’t like any of this.”
Lani places a hand on my back. “That’s because you have a really pure and beautiful heart, Simone. You care about the people you love so much. That’s a really special thing, and I’m lucky to be one of the people who get to experience it as well.”
I turn to hug her, trying not to get emotional.
I hear her fighting back her own emotions as she hugs me back.
“Come on,” she whispers. “Didn’t you say the Sig house was throwing a party tonight? Could be a good distraction.”
I let out a little laugh, shaking my head. “The Sigs are always throwing a party.”
“So…you’re in then?”
I lean back, looking at her, playfully rolling my eyes. “Yeah. I’m in. But I’m starving. Let’s grab something before going.”
Lani looks a little uneasy, but fixes her face quickly. “Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.”
* * *
“Take this shot with me, Lani!” I shout over the music.
She looks over at me and then at the shot. “Um, yeah. I will, just let me run to the bathroom really quick, okay? I’ll be right back. I have to pee.”
I down the shot in my hand and raise the other one I had ready for her. “I’m taking this one then! I’ll have another ready when you get back!”
She laughs and then disappears into the crowd.
A couple of Gamma girls pull me into their game of Beer Pong against the guys. Tank and Ryan are up against me and another girl—Hannah.
They’re beating us badly.
“Come on, Hannah!” I slur. “We can’t let them destroy us like this.”
She picks the ping pong ball up, swaying as she tries to steady herself and throw it. She ends up hitting Tank straight in the chest instead of remotely anywhere near the cups.
Tank lifts his chin at her. “Drink up, ladies.”
“This feels rigged,” I tell him, shaking my head.
After they easily beat us, Tank makes his way over to our side of the table. “Alright…how about we play that rematch pool game I still owe you?”
I look around, trying to see where Lani is, but don’t see her anywhere.
“Okay, yeah,” I say, patting the big giant on his shoulder. “I’m way too drunk already for that to be fair, so you drink up. I’m gonna go find Lani, and then I’ll be over there.”
“Sounds good to me. Make sure to bring her back with you. I like a little eye candy as motivation.” He ruffles my hair, and I slap his hand down, laughing.
It hasn’t been that long since Lani went to the bathroom, but it was long enough for me to play beer pong and drink way more than I needed to alone.
I keep searching for her around the house, checking every room until I finally find her sitting on the floor in one of the bathrooms upstairs.
She’s facing away from me, but I can hear the distinct sound of gagging.
“Lani! Are you okay?”
She quickly wipes her hand on her jeans and then turns to me—confusion and panic on her face. “Shit. Sorry. I got sick and have been up here trying to wait for it to pass.”
“Damn. I’m sorry. You didn’t even drink much yet? What caused it?”
“Yeah, no, I don’t know. Maybe it was the food we ate on the way here.”
“You barely took two bites. You think you’re getting sick or something?”
She shakes her head. “No. It feels like it’s passing. I’m not sure what caused it.” She goes to stand up. “We can go back out. I’m feeling better now.”
“You sure?” I ask, concerned.
She nods. “Yeah. I think I’m good now. Maybe a shot will help.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “A shot after puking. Very Lani of you.”
She washes her hands and then grabs me, pulling me back out into the party.
Lani is sitting on the side of the pool table, sipping on her drink and hyping me up as I whoop Tank in our game of pool.
“How are you this good drunk?” Tank asks when I hit another two balls in at the same time.
I shoot him a wink. “I would have already beaten you ten minutes ago if I were sober.”
“Girl, you wound my ego, I swear.”
“This is payback for beer pong,” I tell him. “And when I win this game, you gotta drink up as payment.”
“Not happening.”
“I think you should just accept defeat,” Lani says, shoving his arm as he goes to hit the ball.
He misses the shot and throws his pool stick down, grabbing her and lifting her off the table.
She squeals. “Tank! You’re gonna spill my drink!”
He places her down and takes the cup out of her hand, drinking the rest of what’s in it.
Lani crosses her arms and pouts. “You owe me a new drink!”
“And you owe me a pool game since you just made me lose.”
“Babe, you lost from the moment you started playing,” I tell him, laughing at the both of them.
He glares over at me. “One day I will beat you, Edwards.”
“I’d love to see you try!”
“SHOTS!” Lani yells, grabbing us all some more drinks.
After enough drinks, the alcohol starts to hit hard and fast. I’m swaying between Lani and Tank, laughing too loudly, and getting whiplash from constantly going between having the best time of my life and remembering all the fucked up shit going on in my head.