53. Simone
Simone
Church this morning was, let’s just say…a lot.
But good?
The way they talked about relationships, dating, and sex…it really took me by surprise.
In the few times I’ve attended church growing up, all I ever heard was that sex is bad. Abstinence was the only option. You’re going to hell if you have sex before marriage.
But today? I didn’t hear any of that. What I heard were genuine, real-life ways to protect my heart, mind, and body.
I always thought sex was just about this big no-no rule that I never really agreed with because it didn’t make sense to me. What’s the harm in having sex? What’s so crucial about “marriage” when sex can be casual?
I understand there are unhealthy habits surrounding sex, but I’m not someone who sleeps around with a bunch of guys. I don’t hook up with strangers; I’m not letting anyone physically hurt me, and I always play it safe. I never got why it was such a big deal.
But today, I saw things from a different angle.
“Whenever God says don’t…he means, don’t hurt yourself.”
That really resonated with me.
I can’t quite explain why, and I’m not sure what it means for my future, but it’s stuck in my head on repeat ever since he said it.
Stepping out into the parking lot with everyone, Lydia grabs my arm and pulls me close to her. “So…how did you like it?” she asks.
“It was…good. Different, but…good.”
She looks over at me with that look like she knows there’s more. But she never pushes; she just lets me talk when and if I want. She’s always been that way.
I’m trying to learn to be more like that, too. I know it’s what she normally needs, and I’m understanding more now why. She’s always been my safe space, and I want to be that for her too, the way it needs to look and feel for her.
Bash is up front, guiding everyone out to his car. Lani and Erik are in front of us, no doubt, probably arguing about what color the sky is. And I’m back here, stuck in my thoughts.
Lydia glances at me. “You okay?”
‘Yeah,” I lie.
I know I’m not in the church at the moment, but still, don’t strike me, Lord.
I just…I don’t know how I’m feeling, and I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it. I haven’t even told Lydia about Mason and me, so how would I jump straight into all the problems we have off the bat?
Different parts of the message replay again in my head.
Protect your heart.
Don’t hurt yourself.
He didn’t talk about all the “rules.” He talked about attachment, about how intimacy isn’t just physical, about how your body can train your heart to cling to a person before your mind has caught up.
All I could think about was Mason, how I feel when I’m with him, how intoxicating his kisses and touches are, how well he treats me, yet how scared I still am with him.
How can someone show me so much love without ever saying it? And why does that make me question everything? How can I feel so safe with someone, yet I know my heart isn’t being guarded?
Does he look at me that way because of me? Or because I’m just the girl who gives him what he wants and makes him feel good about himself?
If we weren’t having sex, would he still treat me the same? Or would he find someone else who didn’t care as much about him or the way he self-destructs sometimes, and put whatever relationship we have in some box, pushed aside because it doesn’t come with the perks anymore?
I don’t think he would, but I don’t know that he wouldn’t.
And that’s the part that scares me. It’s the part that makes my heart not feel safe around him.
I don’t want something we have to hide anymore, and I also don’t want something that hurts either of us.
I want something deeper, something real, something that isn’t built on fear of losing each other, or just being tangled up in sheets.
I don’t want to have to question my worth with the people I love anymore.
I think we’re both blocking anything real from happening, though—him with everything he lets stand in the way of us, and me with being scared to commit to someone who I see going down a very slippery slope…quickly, at that, someone I’m scared to trust.
If I’m honest, I don’t really want to stop either—stop being with him, stop sleeping with him, stop protecting him from himself.
I know the honesty of that would probably be looked down on, but it’s the truth. I love being with him, I love the way he makes me feel, I love feeling like I’m more to him when we’re together like that, when I have all of him.
This is what conviction feels like, ain’t it? Not shame, just…awareness.
Who knew Simone Edwards was this weak?
I stare down at the asphalt and just try to put these feelings somewhere tangible.
Please fix him, God. Take his pain, take the hurt he carries, take the things that stop him from being the best version of himself.
The prayer isn’t really a prayer; it’s clumsy and not put together or fancy, but it’s all I’ve got. I don’t know how to pray ‘right’; I just know how to talk—how to beg for help.
“Alright,” Bash says, pulling me from my thoughts.
I look up to see him leaning against his blacked-out Genesis, one arm propped on the roof. “It’s my day to pick our activity.”
Lydia unlinks her arm from mine and goes to stand next to him.
“Why do you sound so suspiciously happy about that?” Lani asks, glaring at him.
“I don’t,” he argues. “I always sound like this…this is my normal tone.”
Erik rounds the car, opening the back door, waiting for Lani to get in first.
“Nah,” he says to Bash, standing there as Lani stares at him. “You sound like you’re about to tell us we’re skydiving, or running some weird marathon where we all have to hold hands the entire time.”
Bash smirks and shakes his head. “Just get in the car.”
Bash opens up the passenger side door for Lydia to get in, and I go to grab the other back door when Lani stops me.
“You’re in the middle, Simone.”
I roll my eyes, laughing a little, then look up to Erik, who is shaking his head, trying to tell me not to do it.
Lani looks back and catches him, crossing her arms. “Please don’t piss me off on the Lord’s day.” She walks to the other side of the car, where I am, still glaring at him. “Get in, and stay away from me.”
He just smirks at her and slides in, closing the door behind him.
I shake my head as Lani opens the door and waits for me to get in first.
“Lovers, to enemies, to…lovers again?” I whisper, sliding past her to get in the car.
She hits me on my arm lightly and says something under her breath that I’m pretty sure was her cussing me out before she gets in beside me.
The drive is loud and chaotic in the best way. Lydia’s playing DJ because she has queen bee rights in Bash’s car, Erik keeps trying to harmonize badly, and Lani is threatening to open his door up and shove him out at the next stoplight.
I lean my head against the cool glass and let their voices wash over me, grateful for all of them.
For a little while, I don’t think about Mason at all.
That’s a lie. I’m always thinking about him. But I’m not spiraling right now, at least.
When we pull into a massive park with open fields and tall trees, I frown. “Are we…hiking?”
“If we’re hiking, I’m walking back to campus on foot,” Lydia mutters.
Bash turns to look at her from the driver’s seat. “Wouldn’t that just be using the same amount of energy?”
Her eyes narrow on him playfully. “It’s the principle.”
We park near a row of picnic tables and a small rental stand.
Erik looks over at Bash. “Did you bring us here cause you wanted me to push you on the swings or something?”
Lani snorts and then tries to cover it by clearing her throat.
Bash turns around slowly, glaring at us. “All of you, get out of my car.”
We all spill out of the car laughing.
As we get closer, following Bash, I realize we’re at a bike rental shop.
Lydia suddenly stops dead in her tracks, and Bash just keeps walking forward casually.
“Today,” he starts as he stops and turns to all of us like he’s talking in front of a class, and it makes me laugh. “We’re gonna teach Lydia how to ride a bike.”
“Wait,” I gasp, starting to get a little choked up. “You’re actually going to teach her how to ride a bike?”
He nods.
“Damn…that is so freaking sweet.”
Lani turns, looking at Lydia. “You’ve never ridden a bike before?”
“No…” Lydia says defensively with a playful cross of her arms and a hint of embarrassment.
I give Lani a little nudge. “Crappy childhood, remember?”
Lydia tilts her head at me, trying to look mad, but she can’t hide her smile. “Rude.”
I raise my hands slightly at my sides and laugh. “Sorry.”
Bash walks up and puts his arm around Lydia, pulling her in and looking down at her. “Ready to try something new?”
She looks up at him, and this warmth spreads through me as I watch Bash slowly start to heal her inner child.
I love it.
“That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Lani says, pressing a hand to her heart.
Lydia’s eyes get all watery. “Stop, you’re making it weird.”
Bash walks her over and pays before telling her to pick one out.
She just stares at them like they’re all death traps. “What if I get hurt…or break something? I’ve never broken anything before.”
Bash kisses the top of her head. “You won’t get hurt.”
“How do you know?” she argues, arms crossed in a little pout.
“Because I won’t let you. You’ve got this, and I’ll be right there with you. I won’t let anything happen.”
“Promise?” she asks.
“Promise.”
Erik clears his throat. “Okay…well, the emotions are getting a little heavy, and I’m not trying to be seen crying at a park as a grown man, so…let’s hurry this up.”
Bash glares at him, and I laugh a little.
We help Lydia pick out a cute little blue bike, then Bash crouches down, adjusting the seat for her while Lydia hovers behind him, fidgeting with her hands.
Bash stands and holds the bike steady. “Alright. Put one foot on the pedal, and then get the other foot ready to push off.”
Lydia just stands there, staring at the bike. “I hate this already,” she mutters.
“You’ve got this,” Lani encourages.
I start clapping for her. “We believe in you!”
“Don’t clap,” Lydia snaps nervously through a laugh. “That’s too much pressure.”
Bash laughs softly. “Okay, Class. No clapping.” Then he turns back to Lydia. “Just breathe.”
He helps her as she climbs on awkwardly, wobbling instantly.
“Don’t let go of me,” she says quickly.
“I won’t.”
It takes several tries, and a lot of resistance from Lydia, plus a lot more reassurance from Bash, before Lydia finally gets it down pat and is pedaling by herself.
He never looks impatient or annoyed with her. He’s just always exactly what she needs, like he has all the cheat codes to the way her brain likes to panic.
“You’re doing it!” Lani shouts.
“I am?” Lydia squeals nervously.
“You are!” I yell, smiling, watching her.
I don’t care if this is stupid and small…for her, it’s big. It’s something she never got to experience as a kid, and it’s beautiful to watch someone care enough about her to give her these experiences, no matter our age.
I’m clapping now, full pressure be damned. “You’re literally riding a bike!”
She makes it halfway across the field before she slows down and awkwardly hops off, nearly tripping over herself.
Bash jogs up to her, grinning.
“See?” he says.
She’s breathless and smiling. “I did it.”
“You did.”
She throws her arms around him without thinking, and he catches her, lifting her off the ground.
Erik slaps a hand on Bash’s shoulder, looking at them. “Maybe I can teach her how to ride a motorcycle next.”
There’s a flicker in Lani’s expression. It’s subtle and quick, but I see it. It’s like the joke landed wrong for her, like it hurt almost.
Before I can read too much into it, Bash speaks again. “Back off. You are not having your arms wrapped around my girl on that death trap of a speed bike you got.”
Erik smirks. “Can I put my arms around you then?”
“Shut up,” Bash says, shoving him lightly. “Let’s go grab some lunch. I’m starving.”
Walking back to the car, I pull out my phone and hover my finger over Mason’s name before typing out a quick text, hating myself for having to be worried about him at three o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday.
Simone: How are you feeling today? Want me to come over?