Chapter 54 #2
“Yes. He was my best friend and we had an amazing life together. I am glad the children came along but it was so hard for me, but Mo and I worked well together, although he very much slotted into traditional roles far easier than I did and we hired Bea. When I was seventeen, I lost my virginity on a girl’s holiday and it was less than great, however, the next night, my friends hooked up with guys again and I didn’t.
I chatted with a girl working the bar and I went home with her, and she blew my mind, and everything else.
I never saw her again, went home and went off to uni, met Mo and things were good, but there was always something missing for me.
I am sure you know I had an affair and ended my marriage because of it? ”
I nodded.
“She confirmed that I was gay. I didn’t go about ending things in the right way and I hurt Mo, and I will always regret that.
I was a mess, confused doesn’t even come close, and the children should never have been treated by me the way they were, but I thought they were better off with Mo and Bea, and you.
I think I believed that if I was gay and had stuck to my guns they would never have been my children and that I didn’t deserve them, but that is not an excuse.
You, though, you love him as he should be loved and I have never seen him as happy as he is with you. ”
“I do love him.”
“He loved me and believed he was in love, perhaps he was in some way, however I was what he thought he should want. Marrying me was expected, the house, the children, all expectations, but you, you are what he needs like he needs his next breath. Mo was never short of female attention. I mean, he is the whole package, and I am not saying he didn’t enjoy that, but he and I, we both thought we could be a couple for all time.
I don’t know if you believe in soulmates or not, you are it for Mo.
You are the one in almost eight billion for him. ”
“Eight billion?”
“Yeah, that’s the world population give or take a few hundred million, and I think he’s yours. Everything between you both is felt from your core, your very being, and now I have said my piece, so, what you do next is up to you, but I would suggest you start by listening to Mo.”
“Where is he? I need to speak to him.”
“Yes, you do, but before you do, I need to ask you something?”
“Of course.” Nothing could have prepared me for what she said next. Another loud clap of thundered seemingly shook the house causing me to jump erratically as hale began to bounce off the windows. I turned back to Sophie, she deserved my full attention.
“I have cancer, I know that. What I don’t know is the extent of it, and that is my own fault, but my motivation for fighting this will be my children.
” Her voice wobbled. “Fighting might not be enough ultimately, and they will of course have their father and family. Nonna will go into loving them overdrive, which I know is hard to imagine being any more than what she already does.”
I laughed. “She is very intense. I might need to learn Italian because when she talks about me to Maurizio, she does so in Italian.”
Sophie shook her head. “She would love that. So, if the cancer wins our fight, my children will be safe and taken care of physically, financially and emotionally, but the one thing they will never have is a mother’s love.”
I wanted to halt the flow of her words, from continuing with the heartbreaking scenario of two motherless children, heartbroken from grief, but I couldn’t because tears were already silently running down my face and poor Sophie was beginning to gulp as she sobbed, but continued, needing to get these words out.
“I know you and Maurizio will sort this out and probably have children together but I need to know that my children will always have a mother’s love and if it can’t be me, I want it to be you.
Flora, will you please take care of my children and be their mother if there comes a point where I cannot? ”
We were both sobbing, trying to stem the noise so as to not wake the children because with all they were going to have to deal with, the last thing they needed was to find their mother and their nanny hysterical at the table.
I pulled out a chair to sit next to Sophie as we huddled together.
Although the storm was still howling and blowing, the rain interspersed with hale and less frequent bouts of thunder, hopefully the storm was subsiding.
“You’re going to be fine. You can fight this.” I needed her to be okay, for the children, they needed that.
“I want to believe that, and I will fight it with all I have, but nobody knows the outcome, and knowing that I don’t have to worry about my beautiful babies being the children in school with no mummy, the ones who have nobody to make a mother’s day card for, nobody to help guide them through life from a mother’s perspective will allow me to focus on fighting and beating this cancer. ”
“Of course,” I stammered. “Maurizio and I have never even discussed the possibility of either of us having children, but I swear Craig and Rosie will never not have someone who loves them as a mother would. Together we will help you fight and get through this.”
Her words of gratitude were drowned out by the sound of Nico’s voice calling Sophie’s name.
He appeared in the doorway of the room looking ashen and wet through but more than that he looked scared.
The sight of Maddie appearing behind him confused me, although I had been expecting her after the phone call from Ash I had forgotten about.
“What the fuck do you think you are playing at?” Maddie was already striding towards me, leaving me unsure as to whether she was going to hit me or hug me.
She did the latter and soaked me through with her wet clothes.
“I can’t believe you ran away without money, your phone or your coat, and drunk. ”
Nico stepped closer. “I need everyone to stay calm but Maurizio was looking for you Flora, but with the rain and the wet roads, he’s been involved in a car crash.”
That numb feeling I’d been searching for before, that feeling hit me right now. I listened as he told me that we needed to get to the hospital, that Carrie had phoned Ash to say Gabe had seen me in the park. He didn’t know how Maurizio was, just that he had been taken to hospital in an ambulance.
Arriving at the hospital with Nico and Sophie felt like a dream.
Maddie had agreed to stay with the children.
Sophie offered words of encouragement and support to me, but I wasn’t really listening as I felt oddly detached from it all.
Nico seemed angry with me and said very little.
I couldn’t really blame him. If I hadn’t acted so impetuously and perhaps childishly, none of this would have happened.
Maurizio wouldn’t have been out and looking for me in a storm.
That thought did cause a few tears to fall, rather unexpectedly.
Was I going to lose someone else I loved in another storm?
Nico pulled into the car park and we ran across to the emergency department. We stood at the desk together as Nico gave his brother’s name and we waited for some kind of information.
“He’s still with the doctor’s, that’s all I can tell you at the moment. A doctor will be out to speak to you when they can, but we are busy.” She gestured to all of the people behind us, filling every space in the waiting area.
Together we filed away and found a space with one free chair and a vacant wall next to it. Both Nico and I insisted Sophie take the seat and we each slid down the wall and sat on the floor.
“I’m sorry,” I told Nico.
He looked confused.
“You’re angry with me, you blame me for what’s happened.”
“I don’t blame you, but yeah, your actions have pissed me off, not least because Maurizio and Maddie were out of their minds with worry, and the last thing your sister needs is more worry. It was immature and irresponsible.”
“Sorry,” I repeated.
“Yeah, well, you already have Maddie’s anger so you don’t need mine.”
“We never did discuss the two of you, did we?”
“Nope, and we’re not about to do it now.”
“Is she okay?” At least focusing on Maddie prevented me from thinking about the man I loved behind doors with doctors.
“She will be.”
“Should we call Carmella?”
Both Nico and Sophie let out a loud no, drawing the attention of others nearby.
“Mama does not need to be here and more than that, we do not need her here. I will call her when we know something.”
Getting to my feet, I began to pace, my earlier calm dissipating with every passing second.
As I completed a length of the waiting room, I turned and looked at the clock.
Minutes turned slowly and with every turn my fears rose and my tears began to fall.
Sophie and Nico continued to watch me but allowed me to continue for a while longer.
As I turned and the clock showed I had been doing this for a solid twenty minutes, I found Nico blocking my way.
“Flora.” He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Stop.”
It was at that point I realised my face was wet with tears and as Nico pulled me into his embrace the tears came thick and fast, as did my noisy sobs.
“You were right, I am irresponsible, this is all my fault. What if he dies? What will I do?” I turned and saw Sophie’s face through the haze of my tears and my hysteria only increased.
“What about the children, and you?” Flailing in Nico’s hold, I didn’t know whether to fight him or flee, but a small voice in my head reminded me that fleeing is what had got us here in the first place.
The children didn’t deserve this, any of it, and now, because of me, they might lose their father, their mother’s life was already at risk due to her cancer.
I was incoherent as I imagined the pain Rosie and Craig would be subjected to as orphans, the pain I knew only too well, but at least I had been older, almost a young adult.
They were still babies. What would this mean for them and what would it do to the adults they were yet to become?
I knew that the adult I was had been adversely affected by the sad events and loss in my childhood.
What of my own babies, the ones I hadn’t had and never would now.
Until Sophie had mentioned children earlier, I hadn’t even considered Maurizio and I having children.
My head was banging, possibly the effects of the copious amount of alcohol in my system kicking in, but the stress, worry and crying weren’t helping either.
I tried to stop crying but I couldn’t. The harder I tried, the worse the crying became and I was shaking uncontrollably.
My breaths became laboured and I was fighting for every one of them.
Shit! I was having a panic attack. I felt myself being lowered to a seat and then the ground as distant voices echoed around me.
My vision was hazy and I realised I was probably too far gone to pull this back from going into free fall.
Maddie and Maurizio were the only ones who had ever been successful in supporting me in preventing the spiralling, and neither of them were here, well, one was but I had no idea if he was dead or alive.
His voice came to me, words of comfort I couldn’t quite make out. This was bad if I was imagining him here, hearing his voice.
“I’ve got you,” he said. “Flora, listen to me, I’m going to stay right here with you, just let me hold you, okay?”
I felt the warmth and aroma that was him as I was rocked from side to side. I was somehow cushioned and wrapped tight.
Time slowed and all thoughts began to leave my mind, my breathing slowed and I entered that place of calm, the one you find just before consciousness finds sleep.
“That’s better. Tesoro mio just needed a hug.”
Voices began to filter through. Nico, Sophie, some I didn’t know, asking if was okay and then one that was unmistakable.
“Maurizio.”
“Flora, I am going to let go and then we’ll get you up, okay?”
I opened my eyes, the tiniest of cracks and there he was.
Was this real? His presence and warmth left me and then hands were helping me to stand, but it wasn’t Maurizio in front of me, but Nico.
“No,” I cried. “Maurizio.” Had this been a dream, an illusion?
Had I imagined him being there and saying those words to me? My legs threatened to give way again.
“Hey, I’m here.”
He was there in front of me, one hand reaching forward to stroke my cheek.
Then I took in all of him; his face was bruised, a variety of shades of blue covered his forehead and face, a bandage was secured around his head and his clothes carried blood stains.
My gaze dropped to see one arm in a cast and a sling holding it at an angle across his body while his good arm was dropping so he could take my hand in his.
Looking down at our hands clasped together, me holding onto him for dear life, I saw his foot in one of those boots.
“You’re here.”
“Of course I am. Where else would I be if not with you.”
I cried again. Happier tears this time.
“Let’s get you checked out,” he told me. “Then we will go home and you and I need a discussion.”
“By discussion you mean to tell me off for running away, don’t you?”
“I mean discussion, and then I will tell you off for running away because I have never been so scared in my life as when I couldn’t find you and nobody could reach you or tell me you were safe. Then, we, you and I, will do this thing properly.”
“Thing?”
“Yes, thing. You and me, us, the future.”
A nurse stepped forward. “It looks as though you’ve had a panic attack, but let’s get you checked over and we can get you on your way.”