Chapter 1
ROSE
THE ORDER OF THE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD – SWITZERLAND
My sisters are restless, but for some reason I am calm. Which in itself is surprising because of all of us, I am the one who worries the most. But not this time.
My gaze flickers to the barred window. Large enough to reveal the outside world but small enough to ensure protection from what’s out there.
“I don’t like it.” Alice’s voice sounds strained, as if she has the weight of the world on her shoulders, and Tiffany sighs.
“It’s probably nothing. Sister Agatha Maria has always been dramatic, and this is a moment of her at her finest.”
I disagree, but I tuck my thoughts away in that special place in my mind. The one where I guard them like a secret diary to drag out and ponder later in private.
A movement outside the window diverts my attention, and despite myself, I allow myself a lingering gaze at the vision outside it.
The young gardener is pushing a wheelbarrow across the square. The sun beating down on his brown, muscled arms that always causes a shiver of forbidden delight to pass through me.
These wicked thoughts are my personal cross to bear because desire is forbidden, and I am ashamed at my lack of restraint.
My hungry eyes follow him, and only my sister’s agonized voice drags me back from the abyss of hell.
“Well. I’m hoping it’s moving the date forward. I am so ready to take the oath and become a fully prayed-up member of the Order of the Holy Mother of God.”
Tiffany’s words are said in the right order, but I detect the quiver in her voice, and I wonder if she is lying to herself.
The wheelbarrow disappears around the corner, and I sigh inwardly, on the one hand grateful that temptation has been removed, and yet sad that the moment has vanished like dew on the grass on a hot day.
Pleasure is fleeting inside this sanctuary. Evil thoughts are banished by prayer and replaced with a strong sense of duty. The only desire nurtured here is the one of prayer and fulfillment, and the outside world is held back by the iron bars to keep temptation away.
It crosses my mind that the gardener was a surprising choice when selecting workers to tend the impeccable grounds.
There are only two men who work here; most of the work is carried out by the sisters.
However, even we can admit that sometimes a man’s strength is required, and the gardener is one of them.
The other is a surly man who works as a handyman and glowers at the sisters as if they personally affront him.
I wonder about him, but I fantasize about the gardener, and once again my prayers will be full of contrition as I beg for forgiveness from my sinful imagination as I kneel before the only man I should ever allow into my thoughts.
“It’s time.”
Tiffany sounds worried, and I wonder about that. Of all of us, she is the one who delights in this world. Her dedication to the order is admirable, and I doubt she has an evil thought in her head.
“We should go.” Alice’s voice shakes, and I note that she doesn’t move. It’s almost as if her body is rebelling against her confident tone.
With a regretful glance to the outside world, I stand, injecting a surety into my voice that doesn’t belong there. Masking my thoughts, a skill I have mastered well over the years — I say with confidence, “We can’t be late.”
Tiffany stands, and Alice nods, joining us as we move to the heavy iron door, our habits dusting the ground as we walk.
As one, we pull our hoods over our heads and, as always, it’s a welcome place to hide because as I start the short journey to Sister Agatha Maria’s office, I’m surprised to find I am dragging a heavy heart behind me.
The convent is quiet. As we edge down the dark hallway toward the sister’s office, my heart thumps with every tread I take.
The sound of our breathing is the only noise, and I wonder what is running through my sister’s minds right now.
We should be excited, ecstatic even, because we have been waiting for this opportunity to devote our lives to God and one another.
But something is missing.
The nagging thought that has haunted my dreams and occupied my mind is like an unspoken statement between us. I feel it, and I’m aware that they do too, but none of us wants to be the one to allow doubt to creep into our plans.
This is what we talked about for many months when we were banished to boarding school. It was the solution to our problem, but as the hour approached, I’m not certain it was the right decision.
Our footsteps are silent as we almost glide along the polished wooden floor.
My sisters remain locked in their own thoughts, and I’m guessing they are as unsure as I am.
And yet you still say nothing.
My inner voice has been screaming at me for several months now. I wonder if it started when the new gardener did. When I caught sight of him in the distance, something stirred inside me, and no matter how many prayers I have offered, the curiosity hasn’t gone away.
Then there are the dreams.
The ones that leave me burning inside as the devil visits me at night.
I wake with my heart thumping and my body screaming for some kind of release.
He has bewitched me, and I wonder if I’m alone in that.
I’ve seen my sister’s eyes trailing after him as often as mine, and yet we still say nothing and pretend this is exactly what we want.
I’ve known for some time it is not.
But what is the alternative? Certain death for sure, and I must remind myself of that because the moment we are no longer within these protective walls is the moment our fates will be sealed because of one woman.
The woman we mistakenly call our stepmother.
We reach the wooden door and, after a soft smile between us, Tiffany knocks softly on the door, almost apologetically, and my heart jumps when Sister Agatha’s voice commands us to enter.
Alice neglects to conceal her despairing sigh, and Tiffany smiles sympathetically. This is it. The moment when we reaffirm our decision to spend the rest of our lives here.
Alice is first inside the inner sanctum, where Sister Agatha Maria presides over the fifty nuns who call this place home.
“Girls.”
Her warm smile is safe and inviting, and she gestures to three wooden chairs set before her simple desk.
Once settled, she faces us with a caring smile, and my heart softens. She has been like a mother to us since we arrived here four years ago and has been the light in our storm and a safe harbor we are reluctant to move away from.
“You are probably wondering why I called this audience.”
We say nothing and merely sit forward and she fixes her gaze on each one of us before leaning back in her chair.
“The time has come for you to make your decision and transition from novice to junior sister, involving intense prayer and study before your final vows.”
My heart sinks as the weight of my sinful wishes crushes me inside, and yet I muster a small happy smile and nod.
Tiffany says politely, “We are grateful for the opportunity, Sister Agatha Maria.”
Her eagle eyes narrow, and I detect a hard edge to her smile this time as she shakes her head.
“But first you must undertake a task outside of the convent.”
I stare at her in confusion and sense the same reaction from my sisters as she taps her finger on the plain wooden desk.
“You came here fleeing from your boarding school and asked for sanctuary within these walls. You were young adults, and I was happy to offer sanctuary. However–”
I am uneasy and steal a confused exchange with my sister Tiffany, and from her expression, she is as shocked as I am.
“I will welcome you all with open arms if this is your chosen path, but first you must undertake a challenge, if you like.”
“A challenge?” Alice leans forward. “I’m sorry, Sister, I don’t understand.”
If anything, Sister Agatha appears to find something amusing, and she smiles.
“How can you make a choice if you have nothing to choose between?”
She leans forward, her gentle eyes searching our souls.
“I am sending you away for one year.”
Our gasps are collective, and she holds up her hand.
“I have arranged work and accommodation for you with a good friend of mine, whose husband owns a huge corporation. You will live and work in the city for one year, experience life, learn the hardships of working for a living and experience the joys of modern life. It will be difficult and something you will no doubt fight against, but if at the end of it your heart brings you back here, I will be waiting with a broad smile and outstretched arms to welcome you to the sisterhood. If you prefer to walk away, it will be with my blessing because, more than anything, your happiness is the most important thing to me.”
She turns to Alice and smiles. “Push away your fear, my child, and embrace the lesson you are about to learn.”
She reaches into her drawer and pulls out a brown envelope and slides it toward her.
“In here are your ID, some money to get by, and instructions on where to go when you get there. Your flight leaves in two days, and a car will arrive at six am to take you to the airport.”
Alice’s voice shakes as she whispers, “Where am I going?”
“New York.”
I stiffen as I gaze at her in shock.
“America?” Alice heaves a deep breath, and Sister Agatha nods.
“You will instruct the cab at the other end to take you to this address. They are expecting you.”
Once again, she rummages in her desk and pulls out a cell phone.
“Programmed inside this phone are two numbers. One is mine and the other belongs to my contact.”
She pulls out two more envelopes along with a further two phones and slides them across the desk to Tiffany and me.
“You will not all be making the same journey.”
The shock hits me hard, and I gasp as Tiffany cries out. “No!”
Sister Agatha’s eyes raise, and Tiffany splutters, “I can’t go alone. I need to be with my sisters.”
“No, you don’t.”
Sister Agatha’s voice hardens, which shocks me more than the conversation because she is always so affable, sweet and kind. However, it’s obvious this occasion warrants a firm hand, and she is not shying away from that.
Her gaze is fixed on me.
“Rose, you are to travel to Washington, and Tiffany, you are heading to London, England.”
Tiffany sobs as her fingers close around the envelope, and my heart crashes against my ribcage as Alice gasps, “This is so wrong. We can’t be separated. It’s not, well, right.”
I am wondering why my own alarm is quickly being replaced with excitement, and as I struggle to breathe, a thousand visions are flooding my mind.
Freedom.
I will be free like the birds who soar high in the sky outside my window. I will breathe different air, and I will be unrestrained, and yet, like my sisters, my concern is more that I will be alone.
Sister Agatha shakes her head sadly.
“Girls, listen to me and listen hard because this is important.”
We fall silent, and she says gravely, “You cannot give your soul to God if you have no alternative to compare it with. He requires your full commitment with no regrets because this life is not an easy one. There are many sacrifices you must make to dedicate your life to the church, and it is my duty to make certain your choice is made from a free spirit. You have the phone; use it if you are worried about anything, but use it wisely.”
I’m not sure what she means by that, and her voice lowers an octave.
“There will be many temptations in the outside world. The devil will walk in the shadows with you, and you will be tested. One year is enough time to test your commitment, and it is in your best interests to do it alone with no help from your sisters.”
She takes a deep breath. “Which is why you will not speak for the entire time you are away. You will have no knowledge of where the other one is going, and their number will not be programmed into your phone. The cabs will take you to your destinations, but you will all share the same contact should you need to get a message to one another.”
My heart is heavy as I whisper, “Who is the contact, if I may ask, Sister Agatha?”
A small smile is my answer. “A good friend of mine, who will remain nameless for the purpose of this test. I’m sorry for the secrecy, but remember this is a valuable test you must undertake because the rest of your lives are at stake.
One year of solitude away from each other and on the final day you will all receive a call from me asking if you wish to return.
It will be solely your decision with no persuasion from your sisters, and only then will I consider you are ready to join the sisterhood. ”
She stands, which is our cue to leave, and glances at the wooden clock on the stark painted wall.
“We must prepare for prayers before dinner. Be ready at 6:00 a.m. where a cab will be waiting to take Rose on her way. Good luck, girls, and remember you will always have a home here if that is what you choose.”
We nod, and as we turn away, I detect the concern in Sister Agatha’s eyes before a smile chases it away, and yet it’s with a lighter step that I walk away back to the room we came from.
The minute we reach our room, Tiffany bursts into tears.
“I can’t do it.”
Alice nods. “This is a disaster. Why is she making us do this?”
I shrug, wondering why I am not reacting the same as them.
“It’s a test. God’s test.” I remind them, and Tiffany nods, swallowing hard.
“I suppose, but I don’t have to like it.”
“Me neither,” Alice adds, and as their gazes turn to me, I nod emphatically.
“Same.”
I turn away before my expression gives me away because the sense of churning excitement running through me right now is inappropriate considering their misery.
“I don’t want to be without you.” Tiffany whines, and Alice moves to her side and pulls her close.
“Rose, over here.”
Her sharp request causes me to turn, and she nods toward Tiffany.
I head their way and take up my position on the other side of Tiffany, and Alice places her hand on the top of Tiffany’s knee, who slaps her hand on top, and I do the same, and we stare at one another with determination.
“We can do this,” Alice says through gritted teeth, and I nod.
“We will do this.”
Tiffany sighs, her voice wavering as she whispers, “We have to do this. But we don’t have to like it.”
For some reason, her words lighten the atmosphere, and as we huddle together in the stark room that has been home for close on four years, my gaze once again drifts to the small window, and my heart beats wildly inside.
I will do this.
My words are silent, for my information only, because as soon as the plan was voiced, I knew in my heart destiny was calling.
My inner thoughts, the turmoil of my dreams and my interest in the gardener have led God to set us this challenge, and as always he was right to do so.
I’m in no doubt I will give this test my everything, and if it brings me back into the fold, I will do so gladly.
If not, my life will never be the same again.