Chapter 47
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
ROWAN
“I’m not sure I can do this,” I say as Emily walks into her living room, wearing a knee-length navy blue dress in a similar style to the red one I’m wearing. Halter top. Fitted through the waist before flaring out and falling to the knees.
I chose red because I thought it an appropriate color to wear to a fundraiser supporting an organ donation charity.
Now I’m second-guessing everything.
Including my decision to attend in the first place, considering Hayden will also be there and will be hoping to meet the recipient of his wife’s heart.
“Yes, you can.” Emily turns me away from the mirror and forces me to face her. “And you should. Isn’t this the entire purpose of your year of yes? To say yes to things that scare you?”
I swallow hard. “But after today, there’s no going back. He’ll know the truth.”
“Is that what you’re scared of? Him learning the truth?” She tilts her head, studying me. “Or are you scared of seeing him again because it will remind you that you’re actually in love with him?”
I shrug. “Both.”
“Then you need to do this. Remember what you said when you got the phone call from The Organ Network? How you didn’t think Hayden ever wanted to learn who received his wife’s organs, so the fact he does is a big step for him.
” She squeezes my biceps. “He deserves to know the truth. Deserves closure. So do you.”
Closure.
The word feels sharp and soft at the same time.
“Okay,” I say, blowing out a breath.
“Year of yes,” she reminds me.
“Year of yes,” I echo.
The ballroom in the downtown Chicago hotel glitters like a diamond. Crystal chandeliers spill warm light over white-linen tables. A string quartet plays something soft from the stage. The air smells faintly of roses and expensive perfume.
A new wave of nerves washes over me, and I wipe my sweaty palms on my dress.
“Thanks for being here, Em,” I whisper as we make our way through the room, already keeping an eye out for a familiar face.
“Do you think I would have missed this for anything?” she asks, swiping two glasses of champagne off a passing server. “I never say no to an open bar.”
She hands me a flute, and we clink glasses.
“Plus, I’m dying to meet Dr. McDreamy.”
I take a sip of much-needed champagne. “Dr. McDreamy?”
She grins. “It’s how I picture him. Older. Handsome. Brooding.”
She’s not far off. Hayden definitely gives off that Derek Shepherd vibe. Dark hair with flecks of gray. Dark eyes that look like they’ve seen too much and felt even more.
And God help me, I still want him.
As we continue skirting through the hundreds of people in attendance, a woman with kind eyes and a sleek navy suit approaches us.
“Rowan Montgomery?”
“Yes,” I draw out.
She extends her hand toward me. “I’m Marissa from The Organ Network.”
“Oh.” I place my hand in hers. “Nice to finally meet you.”
“I hope you don’t mind me approaching you like a crazed stalker. I recognized you from the photo in my file.”
“Not at all.”
“I just want to say how grateful we are that you’re here. And we were so moved to hear the donor family wanted to meet in person.”
“Yes,” I manage. “Me, too.”
I try to act excited about the prospect of meeting the donor family after over a year of waiting, but I’m worried how Hayden will react when he learns the truth.
Will it be worse than the day he found out I’d had a transplant to begin with? The look on his face when I told him I was on borrowed time still haunts me. The fear. The anger. The grief.
And now he’ll learn the heart beating inside my chest, the one he’s pressed his palm against, belonged to his wife.
I sway slightly, debating if it’s too late to change my mind when Emily’s fingers tighten around my wrist, grounding me.
“It’s okay,” she murmurs. “Year of yes.”
I drag in a breath. “Year of yes.”
“Good.” She gives my arm one last squeeze.
“If you’re ready, I’ll make the introductions now.” Marissa smiles gently.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly be ready for this, but I nod anyway, setting my flute down on a nearby table.
Emily stays glued to my side as Marissa leads us through the maze of tables, past laughter and clinking glasses.
And then I see him.
He’s seated at a round table with his mother, Presley, and Jemmy. His suit jacket is off, his white shirt sleeves rolled to his forearms. Presley is coloring on the paper table covering. Jemmy sits in a high chair, cheeks round and pink, clutching what looks like a dinner roll.
My heart stutters so violently I wonder if everyone can hear it, especially when Hayden lifts his head and our eyes meet for the first time in weeks.
I brace myself for shock. For confusion. For the way his features might harden when he realizes the truth.
But there’s none of that.
There’s only peace.
Understanding.
As if he already knows.
Before I can process that, Presley looks up, her eyes brimming with excitement. She’s out of her chair in an instant, racing toward me.
“I’ve missed you!” she cries, throwing her arms around my waist.
I suck in a startled breath, my hands hovering for a second before I wrap them around her small body as my gaze flies to Hayden, a thousand questions on the tip of my tongue, the most pressing being when Presley started talking.
He stands, lifting Jemmy from his high chair. The little boy points a chubby finger at me. “Ro-Ro! Ro-Ro!”
“She’s been talking for about a month,” he explains as he smiles down at his daughter. “Now I can’t get her to stop.”
Marissa looks between us, confused. “I’m sorry. Do you…already know each other?”
Hayden’s gaze never leaves mine. “We do.”
“Oh.” She blinks. “Well. Then you don’t really need me anymore.”
He finally glances her way. “Thank you.”
“Of course, Dr. Lawrence. Good to see you again.”
“You, as well.”
Emily clears her throat dramatically. “And I’m going to grab a drink so you two can…talk.” She thrusts her hand out at Hayden. “I’m Emily, by the way.”
“Hayden.”
“I know.” She winks before slipping away.
“Come on, Jemmy,” Danielle says, reaching for the little boy in Hayden’s arms. “Let’s give Daddy and Ro-Ro some privacy.” She squeezes my bicep, tears shining in her eyes. “It’s wonderful to see you again, dear.”
“You, too.”
“Are you going to do crush business?” Presley asks, her voice carrying through the room.
A chuckle rumbles from Hayden’s throat, and I can’t help but join in.
God, I’ve missed these people.
“We’ll see.” He winks. “Go with Grandma.”
“Kiss-kiss. Kiss-kiss,” Jemmy says as Danielle leads them back to the table.
And then I’m alone with Hayden for the first time since I walked away.
The noise of the gala fades into a dull hum, the world narrowing to the space between us.
“Did you…” My voice shakes. “Did you know I—”
“That you have Cora’s heart?” he finishes gently. “I figured it out.”
Everything inside me goes still. “How?”
“I was clearing out the clutter. The past. I came across all the letters from the people who received Cora’s organs.
The one from the woman who received her heart sounded eerily familiar.
” His lips curve faintly. “Life list. Year of yes. Buying a van.” His eyes search mine.
“And when I matched the handwriting, I knew.” He swallows hard. “Did you know?”
“I found out the day you fired me,” I admit with a strained smile. “I was vacuuming in the office and knocked over some papers on the desk. My letter was among them.”
He closes his eyes, blowing out a breath.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I whisper. “You didn’t want to know. I figured the least I could do was honor that wish.”
“I appreciate it.” He returns his gaze to mine and takes my hand in his, running his thumb over my knuckles. “But I think… I think it was meant to happen this way.”
“What was?”
“Us.”
I pull away from him. “Hayden…”
“Rowan…” He brings a hand to my cheek, not allowing me to escape him. “Before you, I was stuck. In the past. In grief. In what-ifs.” His voice roughens. “You taught me how to embrace each day. To live in the moment. To laugh again. To hope.”
Tears sting my eyes, and I try to blink them back. Thank god Emily insisted I wear waterproof mascara today.
“When you told me about your heart, I was scared. All I could think about was how horrible it was to lose Cora. I loved her.” He doesn’t look away. “But not like I love you.”
The words hit me like a physical force, bursting through the wall I’ve tried to build around my heart since I drove away from Sycamore Falls.
From him.
“I love you differently. Deeper. Fiercer. And it fucking petrified me.” His voice cracks on the last word.
“Because loving you means risking that pain all over again. At the time, I wasn’t brave enough, so I didn’t fight for you like I should have.
But I am now. And I’m not letting you walk away from me without putting it all out there.
Without fighting for you, for me, for us, with everything I fucking have. With every last piece of me.”
My vision blurs as more and more tears fall down my cheeks.
“I don’t care if you might only live another fifteen or twenty years.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m older than you.
” His lips curve up in a ghost of a smile.
“Even so, we can all die tomorrow. Nothing in this world is a guarantee. So I’m asking you to live in the moment with me.
No future. No past.” His eyes shine. “Let me love you in the present. Right now. I’d rather have one tomorrow with you than none at all. ”
I part my lips, unsure what to say. What I want to say.
I remind myself of the reasons I left. To protect him. To protect his kids.
But also to protect myself. Because what if he woke up one day and decided he didn’t want me anymore, like Landon did?
But like Emily reminded me, Hayden’s not Landon.
He went through all the trouble of flying to Chicago and arranging this meeting because he knew it was the only way to talk to me.
He’s willing to fight for me.
Maybe it’s time I start to fight for myself, too.
I take his hand in mine and press it against my heart.
He sucks in a shaky breath at the feel of Cora’s heart beating in my chest.
I close my eyes, drawing strength from the steady rhythm inside me.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Yes?”
I nod, meeting his gaze. “Yes. I love you, Hayden. And I don’t want a life without you in it. However long that life is.” I drape an arm over his shoulder, a smile tugging on my mouth. “Happily ever after is overrated anyway. I’d rather live happily for now.”
“That’s going in my gratitude journal,” he growls as he crushes his lips to mine, his hand still pressed against my chest.
And for the first time since this heart started beating inside me, it doesn’t feel borrowed.
Doesn’t feel temporary.
It feels like mine.
Like home.