Chapter 1 Freedom #2
I groaned. “I can’t promise that while I’m on tour. It’s too hard with all the demands placed on me. Houston is my last stop. After that, I’m giving up alcohol and drugs.”
“You just said you plan to visit Granny. Don’t go see her fucked up. The last time you couldn’t stand straight. Not good enough. I’m not telling you shit about Jamaica.”
“Come on, Peace, touring is hard, but it’s where the money really is. The pressure to perform at my best, even when I’m exhausted, and my body aches. At least I’m being honest with you.”
“You mean this time?”
I sighed loudly, “Fine. This time. Rehab is a waste of time when I’m on tour. I need to be in one place with no distractions or temptations if I’m going to remain sober. Once my tour is over, I’ll stop. Promise.”
“Then once your tour is over, I’ll tell you about Jamaica. You can’t step to her after fifteen years, loaded on pills and alcohol. She doesn’t deserve that.”
Trying to convince my brother to talk when he’d already made a condition was useless. I clicked off my cell and called him back using FaceTime.
His warm, brown, handsome face, with big, expressive eyes that resembled our father's, appeared on my screen. He immediately frowned. “You look like shit.”
“Feel like it too.” My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, and my beard needed trimming. I picked up my almost-empty bottle of Tequila and grabbed three pills from my bedside table. “This is my last drink.”
His eyes grew wide. “Free, what the hell are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself? That’s way too many pills.”
“This is Tylenol, and I do have a hangover. I took the Oxy last night to sleep.” I chased the over-the-counter pain relievers with alcohol. “See, I’m done. Now tell me.”
“Seriously, you’re risking your life every time you mix pain meds with alcohol.
It slows down your heart, fool.” He dragged his hand down his face.
“Every star who died of an overdose, fucking took too many pills with alcohol.” Peace’s jaw tightened, and his eyes glistened.
“Why can’t you understand how seeing you like this makes me feel?
Mama died when I was seven years old, and Daddy beat me like I stole something for most of my youth.
Probably would’ve killed me if you weren’t there, ready to take my licks.
Why fight for me when we were kids, to give it all up when we’re adults?
We should be enjoying life together. Instead, you live in Nashville and barely answer the phone when I call.
You damn sure don’t visit like you should.
I don’t want to lose you. You and Granny are all I have. ”
Guilt added another layer of pain to my pounding temples.
Years in this ruthless entertainment game hardened my already battered heart.
I didn’t trust anyone except Maurice and Sammie, whom I met when I was sent to the Job Corps after my arrest for home invasion when I was eighteen.
Never had a girlfriend after Jamaica or had deep feelings, though some of them desperately tried.
They were all just women I fucked because I needed sexual release.
Used alcohol and drugs to ease the migraines and to hide the void inside of me.
A void that I could only now describe as loneliness at the mention of Jamaica Bennett’s name.
Oh, the happiness and hope she used to evoke with a shy smile.
I believed I could conquer the world, more importantly, my demons, with Jamaica by my side.
I fucked that up, and she’d been long gone from my life.
Now, my brother teased her like a piece of cheese, and I was the mouse ready to be trapped just for a bite.
Ignoring the pain in my temples, I propped one arm under my head and stared into my brother’s eyes.
“You’re right, I’ve been wilding out too long—time for me to settle down and come home to live.
We can be the brothers we’ve always been and want to still be.
You won’t lose me because I’m done with all the drugs and alcohol.
I used them as a crutch. I don’t need them to function. ”
“On Mama’s grave?”
We’ve never used our mother’s death in vain, and I understood why he used it now.
I picked up the liquor bottle. “On her grave. I’ll get help this time if I can’t do it on my own. I’m serious, and I hear you.”
Peace shook his head slowly. “If I’d known Jamaica would make you own your shit, I would’ve brought her up a long time ago.”
“Well, it worked, okay? I can admit I’m still a punk for her. Willing to risk it all.” I tapped my chest. “When I love, I love hard.”
“Facts,” he acknowledged solemnly. “I’m only telling you this because I know that once upon a time, you were in love with her. From what I hear, she’s still that good girl, willing to help others and do for others.”
Settling back against my satin pillows, I placed the bottle on my bedside table. “Is she married or does she have any children?” We’d ended disastrously, and the primary reason I decided to make Nashville my permanent home after leaving Dallas was to avoid seeing her with someone else.
“Yes.”
I blew out a frustrated breath. “Why are you playing games with me? If she’s as good a woman as she was a girl, she’s not going to cheat or leave her husband. Is this your way of getting me to stop drinking and doing drugs, promise me something you can’t deliver?”
“And I thought you were sincere about stopping? Maybe you’re the one playing me.”
Closing my eyes, I conceded, “No. I’m serious. You called at the right time. Tired of how I’ve been feeling for a while now. I need to get my life together, whether Jamaica is in the picture or not.”
“Good,” Peace said with finality.
I refocused on my brother’s now smug face. “Is that it? Because I could use a little more sleep.”
He moved his phone closer to his face. “She’s married to Kody. I thought you should know that.”
“The fuck?” Blinding pain reattacked my head, the room started spinning, and I automatically reached for the pills and the bottle before I stopped myself. I bit out, “When?”
“They married about eight years ago. Been together much longer.” His observant gaze swept over my face. “You good?”
“Are you trying to hurt me? Getting me back because of the shit I put you through? I don’t need all this noise this morning.
I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you want to hurt me like this.
I’m sorry because what you’re saying to me is so fucking foul.
” I closed my eyes and tried to settle the rage that threatened to inhabit every cell in my body.
“Calm down, Free. On the contrary, I’m trying to help you get her back if you still want her.
I found out they were married a few weeks back.
The other day, I saw Kody leaving a hotel with another woman.
He didn’t see me, but they were hugged up and giggling as they got on the elevator.
From what I know, this isn’t his first time stepping out.
Seems that he has trouble staying faithful. Perfect time to swoop in.”
My hands balled into fists at hearing my former best friend’s name, who, it seems, betrayed me in more ways than one.
And I was a fucking idiot to help that low-life motherfucker with his business simply because he asked.
Still, I commented, “Husbands cheat on their wives all the time. If Jamaica is the same woman I knew as a girl, she’s the type that only death would separate her from her husband. ”
“Not if she remembers that she loves you, too.”
I scoffed loudly. “Okay, you’ve been reading too many romance novels. Doubtful that she still loves me if she’s with him, and even if she does, she’s not breaking up her family to be with some dude who broke her heart in high school.”
“You weren’t just some dude, and the fact that you’re willing to make lifestyle changes just to get the info says you still have deep feelings.”
“Doesn’t matter, Peace. She made a choice, and it wasn’t me.” Even saying the words, though it’d been true for years, saddened me.
“You have to see her again. You two were epic.”
“Epic? O-kay.” I laughed at my brother’s flair for the dramatic. “We were in love for a second, and then life happened.”
“Life didn’t just happen, and she needs to know that.
” His eyes watered, and I steeled myself against his emotions.
Reliving the past would only make me want to use.
He blew out his breath and continued, “She’s in charge of the reunion, and what better way to see her again than to attend.
Then you can tell if she still has feelings for you, or you can play it off and use the reunion as an excuse if she doesn’t. ”
“Or she’s into me because she’s fascinated with my status.”
“The status that you worked hard to achieve to impress her in the first place.”
“I told you that?” I shook my head, ruefully. “I must have been lit.”
“Probably, but I know you meant every word.”
I did. Everything I did and who I became was about showing Jamaica that I was somebody. “Still don’t get why this is important to you.”
“Maybe I want to see my brother happy for once. Always thought you and Jamaica had something special.”
“Naw. Only in my head and yours. Apparently, she moved on too quickly to my best friend, no less.”
His eyes widened. “What did you expect her to do? You left without a word to anyone for a year. Then, when you returned home, you were in Dallas for a hot second and gone again. You expected her to wait?”
“No. She stopped taking my calls and changed her number. And I was too hurt to deal with you, and you know why. At the time, I couldn’t fight for her.
I wasn’t in any position to make any demands of her.
And when I was, she didn’t want me anymore.
I just never expected her to fall for my best friend,” I explained.
The angry pangs of betrayal struck, and irritation coated my tone as I asked him, “Are you happy? Forget about fixing my life for a sec. What’s happening with you? You seeing someone?”
“A couple of someones.” He smiled. “I’m good. Like really good. I love my job with the kids. I’m up for lead supervisor at the job…might get promoted to regional manager, and I have been asked to live with two different sexy people. The only thing missing is you.”
Seeing my brother smile like this, who as a teenager walked around with a permanent frown, eased the anger that had briefly flamed.
Only three years apart. I don’t remember a time he didn’t exist. “My brother, the player. Breaking hearts left and right. Glad we bat for different teams, or you would be my enemy.” My brother had worn his sexual orientation on his sleeve since I can remember.
And my father, the definition of masculine toxicity, tried to beat it out of him at every turn.
“So, will you attend the reunion?”
“Be honest. Does the school want to give me special recognition? Was it Jamaica’s idea if they do?” I moved the phone closer to my face. “Tell me.”
His eyes lit with devilment. “No. But who cares? You’re Freedom Cade, the biggest celebrity, next to Usher and Ms. Badu, to come out of Dallas. The moment you show up, it’s going to be wild, and you’ll get to see her again.”
I rubbed the top of my head. “Just show up. Like, walk into the reception?”
“Yep. Like the bad ass you’ve always been.” He fluffed his pillow. “See if Jamaica is affected by you.”
“What if she isn’t?” I looked at Peace through my phone. His expression was hopeful, like he knew she and I would get back together and live like some damn fairytale. He fully expected a happy ending.
He quirked a brow. “Once again, you are motherfucking Freedom Cade. And that doubt in your voice tells me you never stop loving her, and maybe it’s time for Jamaica to remember that she has options.”
“You're really pushing this hard,” I commented. “Should I know why?”
“Yep. It’s a good reason. Seeing Kody cheat just made it all the clearer on my next steps.”
I relaxed against my pillows. Maybe it was time to see her again and finally let go of her once and for all. Or hold on and never let go.